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View Full Version : [Abandoned] Persistence: Book One of the Replay Trilogy by deepthoughtz - M - WIP


Mors
05-16-2008, 02:03 PM
Title: Persistence
Author: deepthoughtz (me)
Genre: Angst/Horror
DLP Category: Time Travel <SECONDARY universe="" alternate="" category:="">
Ships: None
Rating: M
Chapters: 9
Words: 29,375
Updated: July 15, 2008
Published: October 27, 2007
Status: Abandoned
Summary (FFN) : Time and space do matter in magic. But sometimes they matter less than they should... Cursed by the oldest power in the universe, a madman wakes up in the past, when all those he watched die are alive. None had ever escaped Chronos... but Harry must try.

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3859088/1/Persistence (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3859088/1/Persistence)

I'd thought of posting it here after it crossed the 30K mark, but as luck would have it, my beta is busy and she can't deliver the next chapter for some considerable time. Also I suppose this way we won't be cluttering the WbA thread any further, or so says Vash.

The story is, it's universally agreed, somewhat confusing at the start... the initial chapters 1-3 are short, if only because that seemed the best way to write it. Most of the confusion seems to come from the interchanging POVs,.

Just to give you a feeling of it, the story starts at the fifth year at Hogwarts. Waking up at the Hospital Wing, Harry finds out that he doesn't remember anything of the last month- but the chief problem is that he remembers what happens thirty years into the future... a future where he had been one of the most feared wizards in a near-Fascist Britain.

Yeah, that's right - my past/future timeline doesn't follow JKR.


The first book is around one-third done, and two more plotted summat.


Checked by Minion, January 1, 2013

Banner
05-16-2008, 02:26 PM
I love Time-travel AU's, esp. "fix-it's." I'll take a look at this.

No pairing? Thank you!

Taure
05-16-2008, 02:41 PM
I'll take a look and edit later, but at the moment, this:

Cursed by the oldest power in the universe

And this:

a madman

And this:

Chronos

Are instant turn-offs.

Korisovra
05-16-2008, 11:26 PM
It's actually decent. I finished the first chapter and am actually entertained.

Cxjenious
05-17-2008, 12:01 AM
4.5/5. Very good, but only seven chapters so far... I want twenty.

ParseltonguePhoenix
05-17-2008, 03:28 AM
I'm surprised at how much I like this, so far. Generally, I don't get into the time-travel genre, Joe's Wastelands of Time having been the sole exception to this point. But the way the characters are written in this story make that a moot point. Especially this Voldemort. He's written (briefly, I admit) the way I'd imagine a true Dark Lord. Powerful, a bit mad, unforgiving of failure...but charismatic.

4/5 With hopes that the quality continues.

Imperator Pesmerga
05-17-2008, 05:05 AM
Really good story. It's original with Harry's past/future slowly being revealed as the story unfolds.

The story is quite detailed and has tidbits of info about history, spells, creatures, legends etc that help reveal a bit more about the world.

The writing is excellent, the action scenes easy to visualize.

Characterization is good, managing to keep everybody in character, including Ron and Hermione, without the bashing.
5/5

Now all he has to do is post a new chapter. Write faster fucker. >_>

Blazing Chime
05-17-2008, 11:16 AM
It's been like a month since I read this story but I recall that I really liked it. 5/5 from me.

Krogan
05-17-2008, 01:11 PM
I just finished reading what you've got and I have to say this is one of the best time travel fics I've ever read. 5/5 for me and I hope to see more

Tehan
05-17-2008, 06:29 PM
Typically Mors: a tad hard to follow, but otherwise damn good. Full marks.

Mors
05-17-2008, 08:17 PM
The story is also at PC, for the initiated.

PC linkage: http://patronuscharm.net/s/73/1/

Also there is a (very) short prequel, possibly ~10-12k, in the works, a project I undertook when it became clear I'd never be able to fully clear up all the muddled backstory otherwise (though reading "Persistence" alone is okay too). The prequel elucidates on the points where my past/future timeline started to stray from JKR's, and since it's post-DH, it has H/G in the background. Warned.

Some of the prequel is posted here (though I'm still polishing it):

http://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?t=9217

I'd edit the post itself but FF is fucking my shit up... text is becoming quite illegible at times.

Demons In The Night
05-17-2008, 09:30 PM
I eagerly await for the next update.

5/5

ip82
05-18-2008, 11:33 AM
This wasn't bad at all. Some very interesting plot threads and nice darkish atmosphere.

This isn't the style of prose I normally enjoy, but you had added just enough action and dialogues to hold my interest through the funky introspective parts.

What did bother me, though, is that you kept 1st person perspective through POV changes, which was a bit confusing at times. IMO you should have switched to 3rd person while following thoughts of people other than Harry. Or wrote everything in 3rd face, as is usual with stories that follow multiple characters.

Also, the appearance of that alien/god/whatever-it-was in Harry's dream was a bit confusing, mostly because it was lacking any sort of followup. After that bombshell he dropped, we needed to see at least SOME reaction from Harry.

Your Voldemort in the last chapter was VERY good. Exactly the way I imagine him. If only he wasn't repeating everything he said over and over again...

Anyway, pretty nice story so far, even if a bit confusing at times. Keep it up.

Mors
05-18-2008, 11:59 AM
ip82:

1. Yes, I know the 1st person views are confusing, and it's standard for most stories with one main first-person POV to incorporate other 3rd person viewpoints. However there usually the other characters are (usually one or two only) far less important than in my case, and frankly I had just read a book that juggled two first-persons unbelievably well and wanted to be cool, too.

Hell, this was my first fic. I didn't know any better. But I think I'm getting better with the juggling POVs, somewhat.

2. The alien/God/whatever dream sequence cannot have any follow-up right now. I would have included any follow-up reaction of Harry's if there was one, believe me... </secretive bastard> :P

3. Yeah, I know. The only thing that bugged me about Voldemort's speech was that, too. But frankly I never thought of Voldemort as an awesome orator, he's more of a doer in my mind. So I let it slide.

shadownin
05-18-2008, 01:52 PM
I've only read the first chapter but it's looking good so far. Solid writing style, no glaring grammar errors and overall quite polished. You introduced the Death Gate well, you provided enough info to keep me interested yet didn't overdo it with facts. I also loved the dark atmosphere. All in all, keep up the good work.

4/5

Manatheron
05-18-2008, 10:32 PM
Excellent read through. the plot is Intricate without being overwhelming, the POV shifts while initially confusing gave enough clues to allow you to guess who's mind you were following. All in all an outstanding start.

That's the problem. It's only the start. Seven chapters of solid writing, I don't deny that this is compelling evidence that this story is likely to be epic. Assuming two things...

1) You manage to maintain the delicate balance you're writing. The balance between foreknowledge and SUPER!Harry. It's a fine line, and I'm sorry, But the plot hasn't progressed enough to know if you can maintain it.

2) You don't lose focus. The best stories are mentally taxing to their writers, and all to many people find that they can't keep up the quality and inspiration necessary to complete a story in the manner they started it. I hope you are one of the few, but I'm not going to hold my breath.

I withhold judgement for now. (But a 4.7/5 if I were to rate it.)

Taure
05-21-2008, 11:57 AM
Finally got round to reading this. Beautiful writing, very...haunting, I think, would be the best word for it. Nice atmosphere too.

Interesting plot, not your usual cliche time travel. Good characterisation, especially of the supporting cast. Most authors have a tendency to do a few characters well, and then mess up the more complex ones like Dumbledore and Voldemort. You managed to do both well.

Interesting additions to the HP universe, hinting at much more to magic than we have seen from the books. Usually higher powers or whatever put me off a story, but you've done them well so far too.

As Ip82 said, the multiple first person points of view are odd - not so much because they're first person, but because you keep switching and it takes a while to figure out who the narrator is each time.

Why Harry knows he has lost a month of memories is a mystery - if they were truly lost, then he would have no knowledge of that month ever occurring, and so everything should seem normal to him.

Harry's "madness" isn't really madness at all, thankfully. He's just a bit psycho. Madness is characters going around giggling at imaginary people etc.

The fic still feels a bit...vague. The way you narrate is crafted well, but could be a bit more...practical. I still don't feel like I have a feel for what Harry's thoughts and plans are.

I was a bit annoyed at all the verbalisation of spells, but then the next chapter they were non-verbal, so yay for that.

I liked the idea of the Gathering. Didn't like the idea of wizard magic/spells being trapped Spirits of Magic, unless they're metaphorical.

Umbridge scene was good.

All in all, a very enjoyable read. 5/5.

Korisovra
05-21-2008, 01:37 PM
4/5 from me.

Ikaros Mephisto
05-24-2008, 04:23 PM
I donít usually read first person writing, I tend to run the other way, in fact. It is hardly ever done well and I tend to find it has no real purpose. What canít be said in third person that you can say in first? Very little, but I understand the choice. There is a certain aura to the writing thatís different in first person. Mystery and Horror tend to be better suited to it.



The first chapter pulled me in and I have no real complaint about it except a smallish advice to look at the exposition when Madam Pomfrey appears. By that time the reader has already figured out who is telling the story. The references to Harryís previous accidents and the matrons assistance at those times, is rather irrelevant and make the text stutter slightly. Itís not completely jarring, but not necessary either.

Itís a nitpick thing and I only mention it because I would want others to do the same for me.


The flow of the text otherwise is superb, a little jarring to jump between points of view, especially as the reader hits the ground a little and slowes up in order to figure out whoís telling the story. But then, you appear aware of it.


I rather like seeing how the main character thinks, and his introspection. It was the reason I kept reading. I urge you not to lighten that too much. Personally, I thought the second chapter was by far your best, style wise, followed closely by the first.


The situation with Christopher, I thought was particularly well done as far as characterization goes and while Harryís hostility is somewhat expected, it is also somewhat of a clichť. It would be nice to see a more accepting intelligent rebuttal rather than the quick to anger routine, though I obviously canít know if that would create holes in plot twists later.


Sadly, I canít give this more than a 3.7. The shifting first person view is just too jarring the further the story continues. Itís very well written, but the jarring shifts push me away from it. I would recommend it though, it has superb style.

Lawyer in Exile
05-25-2008, 06:46 PM
I enjoyed reading it very much, mainly because of the great characterizations and the ever changing 1st person POVs.
A great start for a great story, and this is where my problem lies: 7 chapters, over 20k words and the story is still in an introductory phase, the main tones put on, but no sign of any plot so far. At this pace, the author has to write up at least 300k words to make this story what it has the potential to be, which means 50:50 chance of being a real epic or going abandoned after a few more chapters.
4/5.

Lhefriel_Medies
05-27-2008, 02:00 PM
I just wanted to comment that...

Just to give you a feeling of it, the story starts at the fifth year at Hogwarts. Waking up at the Hospital Wing, Harry finds out that he doesn't remember anything of the last month- but the chief problem is that he remembers what happens thirty years into the future... a future where he had been one of the most feared wizards in a near-Fascist Britain.

...this appears to make the story immediately win. Now to actually read it...

Mors
07-04-2008, 03:10 PM
Update: Chapter 8 added (http://www.patronuscharm.net/s/73/8/) at PC, and at FFN (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3859088/8/Persistence).

We've reached the end of the beginning, for everybody who expressed their concerns about it. The middle part of the story is going to begin next, and none too soon, either.

Hadoren
07-04-2008, 05:35 PM
Epic. Just like Swimdraconian and Joe6991, you have achieved what few in fandom ever will.

Small touches like your description of the origins of dementors make the story all the better.

Great to see that you have a plot, too.

But beware of making your story too epic. Don't do what joe6991 did (by that I mean not his blow-up-the-universe plot but rather how Harry never relaxed, ever). Have Harry laugh once in a while, have Harry have fun. All work and no play makes a reader go away.

Suggestions (without which your story is still awesome):

-One of the things that would make your story one-of-a-kind in all fanfiction is to have Harry battle Voldemort. You would do it well; your battle scenes are terrific. Then have Harry lose, lose badly - an idea I got from this chapter - despite all his foreknowledge and all his power. The blow to his psyche would be terrific to watch.

-Get rid of the different POVs thing. It takes away from the whole cachet in your fic, which is how Harry deals with his situation. And the sense of mystery weakens.

Rating: 5/5

Dirk Diggory
07-04-2008, 08:25 PM
-One of the things that would make your story one-of-a-kind in all fanfiction is to have Harry battle Voldemort. You would do it well; your battle scenes are terrific. Then have Harry lose, lose badly - an idea I got from this chapter - despite all his foreknowledge and all his power.

If Harry sucks, who cares about all his brooding and potential for doing evil deeds? The entire reason there's any suspense about Harry's unstable mental state is that he IS powerful enough to fuck people up if he loses it. This would be one-of-a-kind because it's a shitty idea.

That aside, I like the story so far and if it were completed I would have no complaints about the pace. However, given the slow drizzle of chapters I'd like to see more plot movement or we're not going to be anywhere by 2010.

Renzhoulawyers
07-06-2008, 02:58 AM
NVM~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mors
07-06-2008, 08:32 AM
The story isn't completely Harry-centric, and there will be other subplots in the future. Writing it solely from Harry's POV will just add to the confusion. Though I acknowledge that some of the POVs were there solely because I wanted to write them. And I think I did all I could to keep the sense of mystery intact.

If I'd written all of it from Harry's POV only, all you'd have gotten till now would be a bunch of introspective monologues bandaged together. And you wouldn't have known that anything of import was happening at all outside Hogwarts. That's the problem with many fanfics - so much time is spent within Hogwarts that the readers are bored long before the conflict comes to a head near the end. And usually the villain has to gloat for a full page before the reader can understand what the hell had been happening all the year.

I don't want that to happen here. It's not efficient.

And I've committed myself to multiple-1st person POVs already, so unless I'm convinced that the whole story needs a revision before I write any more of it... it stands as it presently is.

And this won't certainly be a Super-Harry! who owns everybody else with his power and foreknowledge. That also doesn't mean that he'll suck. We'll just have to see.

Mors
07-15-2008, 03:18 PM
Updated at FFN (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3859088/9/Persistence) and PC (http://patronuscharm.net/s/73/9/).

e1
11-02-2008, 10:00 AM
Epic. Just like Swimdraconian and Joe6991, you have achieved what few in fandom ever will.

^That^ pretty much sums it up. I've been following this for quite a while. The updates come a bit slow but it's well worth the wait. The different POVs are a little disconcerting but I caught on quickly after a couple of chapters.

If I'd written all of it from Harry's POV only, all you'd have gotten till now would be a bunch of introspective monologues bandaged together.

Dunno about that one. Many authors (Joe6991 included) make it work just fine. By introducing the element of Time Travel, you have made Harry the protagonist by default --the timeline will change if and only if Harry intervenes. So when anything important happens, it's bound to happen somewhere near Harry or because of his actions. You can certainly advance your plot and not bore the audience without having to switch POVs. A few interludes (in different POVs) thrown in between the chapters can cover anything important that happens outside of Hogwarts.

All criticisms aside, I see a lot of potential in this story. And for a first fic, this is some damn impressive work! :D Take a well-deserved 5/5.

Under_score
11-02-2008, 08:02 PM
I've enjoyed the story, the Voldemort you've presented caught my interest, and although I've been reluctant to touch this story in case it was a rip off of Joe's "Wasteland's of Time," I've got to say I've enjoyed it.

The scene of the soul of the Death Eather being at Voldemort's mercy creates a nemesis for a super powered Harry which I am sure to enjoy. The existence of complex sub plots with the control of Umbridge gives you many avenues to explore and enrich your story.

The last chapter was intriguing to say the least we now see more forces come into play. This story deserves 4/5. I'd give it 5 but its not complete or long enough.

Mors
11-03-2008, 03:12 AM
Dunno about that one. Many authors (Joe6991 included) make it work just fine.

Yeah, but I'm not arrogant enough to think that I can match him at my first try. ;)

I've enjoyed the story, the Voldemort you've presented caught my interest, and although I've been reluctant to touch this story in case it was a rip off of Joe's "Wasteland's of Time," I've got to say I've enjoyed it.

Rofl, I posted mine before he did his, if that helps. And I've always avoided reading that particular fic after the first couple of chapters because it was entirely possible that it would've influenced me unduly. Or stop me from writing any more in self-disgust. But nice to know you liked it.

But yeah, comparing me to Joe gives me a major ego boost, I'd admit. Even if I'm pretty sure it's not really deserved...

By introducing the element of Time Travel, you have made Harry the protagonist by default --the timeline will change if and only if Harry intervenes.

I'm not sure what you mean. Just because Harry's journey through time changed the time-line doesn't mean every shit he takes becomes an "intervention". Something changed the timeline, and he was directly involved. That much I can agree with. But from that point on, history is written anew. He doesn't get to play God, even indirectly. His foreknowledge gives him an unique insight into the workings of the world, yeah. But as days go by, the timeline is diverging more and more in a cascade effect. It follows that all the "important" things, which are frankly so much shit in the eyes of Time, don't have to follow a track even similar to before.

His foreknowledge or whatever won't help him directly. He's only certain of people's motivations, not actual happenings. It'll probably become clearer as chapters go by.

Lucullus
11-03-2008, 09:14 AM
Joe's work is very polished, but yours is certainly no slouch too. Both give me that sense of epicness when I read them.

I love your characterisations, especially that of Voldemort's, like many other DLPers have pointed out. To me anyway, his characterisation is the best I've seen so far. Give me yours over Mizuni-Sama's humanized version any freaking day.

We've yet to see Joe's version, though I personally think you've set a pretty high benchmark.

Does this give you enough of an ego boost to update earlier? :)