Dark Lord Potter Forums
Go Back   Dark Lord Potter Forums > Library > General Fics
Donate Register Rules Library List IRC Chat FAQ Members List Social Groups Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Donate to DLP Scryer Banner

 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 07-22-2010, 07:05 PM   #1
MellowYellow
Fourth Year
 
MellowYellow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Canada
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Posts: 130
DLP Supporter Donor Star
Breach of Contract: Twelve Signs by MattSilver 3k - M

Title: Breach of Contract: Twelve Signs
Author: Matt Silver 3k
Rating: M
Genre: Suspense
DLP Category: Please fill in
Pairing: Harry/Tonks
Chapters: 5
Words: 73,592
Updated: August 20, 2010
Published: July 22, 2010
Status: Complete

Summary: To avoid the prosecution of his friends in the days following the Voldemort war, Harry Potter signed a contract in blood. Years later, Harry deals with a wizard ritualistically murdering Muggles, periodic contract renewals and his own relationships. HPNT

Link: Breach of Contract: Twelve Signs by Matt Silver 3k

The author's other stories aren't really all that great but this one shows promise.

Edit: ok fine maybe posting this story before it really took off is breaking to suggested rule of not posting a story with only one or two chapters. Sorry if that offended anyone(fuubar). But I though maybe I could get away with it because of the chapter length and the basic idea of whats going on.

Second edit by Tinn: THAT's the correct format.


Checked by Minion, July 29, 2013

Last edited by Dark Minion; 07-29-2013 at 08:51 AM. Reason: Format.
MellowYellow is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-22-2010, 07:17 PM   #2
fuubar
Headmaster
 
fuubar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,048


You've been here more than long enough to know the damn rules.

Edit: Quoted for permanence.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MellowYellow View Post
The author's other stories aren't really all that great but this one shows promise.


Breach of Contract: Twelve Signs by Matt Silver 3k

To avoid the prosecution of his friends in the days following the Voldemort war, Harry Potter signed a contract in blood. Years later, Harry deals with a wizard ritualistically murdering Muggles, periodic contract renewals and his own relationships. HPNT

Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Suspense - Chapters: 1 - Words: 11,061 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 7-22-10 - Harry P. & N. Tonks
__________________
I turned toward the door and opened it. I looked from Morgan with his juice box to Molly with her shotgun. “You two play nice.”

~Dresden Files~

Last edited by fuubar; 07-22-2010 at 07:51 PM.
fuubar is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-22-2010, 07:55 PM   #3
Matian
Seventh Year
 
Matian's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Denmark
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Posts: 292
DLP Supporter Donor Star
I skimmed it and it looks decent. I'll read it tomorrow and give my two cents in an edit.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fuubar View Post
You've been here more than long enough to know the damn rules.
What rules are those? The only rule I can see him break is the standard posting stories for review rule, and that can easily be corrected with an edit.

EDIT:

I liked it, not much else to say.

Kensington: Okay, thanks.
__________________
"Thanks to denial I'm immortal."
- Philip J. Fry

Last edited by Matian; 07-23-2010 at 03:55 PM.
Matian is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-22-2010, 07:57 PM   #4
Kensington
Minister for Magic
 
Kensington's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: West Coast
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,324
DLP Supporter Donor Star
Send a message via AIM to Kensington
Quote:
Originally Posted by Matian View Post
What rules are those? The only rule I can see him break is the standard posting stories for review rule, and that can easily be corrected with an edit.
The ladies don't like premature postulation. And by ladies I mean lady. And by lady I mean Tinn.
__________________

HIVE TULLY
SWARM. ANNIHILATION. TROUT.
Kensington is offline   Reply With Quote
Thumbs Up 1 Thumb Up
Old 07-22-2010, 08:52 PM   #5
IdSayWhyNot
Minister for Magic
 
IdSayWhyNot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,280
DLP Supporter Donor Star
Meh, didn't really hook me in. If I were the author I'd have written an action scene first, to draw the reader in. I'd probably had tried writing it from the murderer's POV, of how he killed the eighth victim and then activated the portkey. Maybe add some trouble with the MLE to keep it interesting.

That could've served as prologue and this as the first chapter. That way you don't have to go over what happened, which was really tedious, and you also add a bit of mystery to the mix. Frankly I don't give a fuck about the Muggles, the killer, Boot or Harry.

Not gonna rate 'till we get another one or two chapters.
__________________
Your advertising here.
IdSayWhyNot is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-22-2010, 09:07 PM   #6
Shinysavage
Death Eater
Madman With A Box
 
Shinysavage's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: UK
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 980
High Score: 2,296
Quote:
Originally Posted by IdSayWhyNot View Post
Meh, didn't really hook me in. If I were the author I'd have written an action scene first, to draw the reader in. I'd probably had tried writing it from the murderer's POV, of how he killed the eighth victim and then activated the portkey. Maybe add some trouble with the MLE to keep it interesting.

That could've served as prologue and this as the first chapter. That way you don't have to go over what happened, which was really tedious, and you also add a bit of mystery to the mix. Frankly I don't give a fuck about the Muggles, the killer, Boot or Harry.

Not gonna rate 'till we get another one or two chapters.
I disagree. As an insight into Auror investigation, I thought it worked rather well. Presumably, the murders are going to be a fairly important plot strand, if not the main basis of the fic - showing the murder happen could have given too much away, or ruined some of the suspense. It's a police procedural show, that happens to be set in the Harry Potter universe. And has Harry rewriting reality on a regular basis...which seems interesting.

As you say though, too soon to rate - but one to watch, I think. My main problem was that there's a serious need of proof-reading.
__________________
“I am and always will be the optimist. The hoper of far-flung hopes and the dreamer of improbable dreams.”
Shinysavage is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-22-2010, 11:02 PM   #7
JenosIdanian
Professor
 
JenosIdanian's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: With HP and the Hipshit Sparklepuff...
Gender: Male
Posts: 419
DLP Supporter Donor Star
I'll agree with what's previously been said about needing some editing work done, here's the first example that jumped out at me...

Quote:
"Who was he?" I spoke up, kneeling down to examine the corpse more closely. Yep, still a corpse with a vicious stab wound in the chest, as if someone had punched a large. He was starting to smell too, an unpleasant odour mixing in with the cold blistering my nostrils.
A large what? A large knife? A great bloody pole? A ginormously huge toothpick? The world may never know.

There are a lot of things I like about this fic so far, though. I like Dover's character in that he still shows some disdain for muggles. I think that's great, it differentiates him from the other characters around him as an OC yet he's still enmeshed in the fic through decent dialouge and conversation. I also enjoyed the reasoning behind Terry being Harry's superior,
Quote:
" The man was seriously a walking repository of random knowledge, hence why he was above me in the ranks despite the age difference being a month. Ambition, knowledge and tedious note taking. The bitchin' eyepatch probably scared off any competitors as well."
I found the journalistic duo of Jensen and Fallon to be quite refreshing as well, I mean a ghost journalist and silent photographer? That'd be a great little ficlet in itself catalouging their adventures in the written word. I've only got one comment concerning Harry's closing statements in the opening section about committing murder and it's thus: Verdant Greengrass, seriously, WTF?

Quote:
"Umbridge's brutal murder during the war probably helped things along in that regard."
Never has so much good been done with one little sentence. Just sayin. I hate that bitch.

Quote:
"Okay, how about the witch who polyjuced tried to herself into a bear and mauled those campers in her half-bear, half-witch state?"
Again, just some syntax stuff. This might be FFN editing crapiness, or it might be an upload issue, or it could just be a lack of polish on the author's part. No matter what, it's distracting.

I like the idea of castrating the patrons of the whorehouse upon their arrest and conviction. Call me what you will, but I've been through the poorer areas of Asia and I've seen the governmental abuses of those deemed less fortunate all because of which family or tribe or people group they were born into.

Quote:
"Very well. Miss, when I snap my fingers-" And remove the spell, I added silently, "- you will forget that I was here. No one wanted to know where Selwyn was tonight. In fact, you should quit this crappy job and go back to school or something. Do you understand?"
Shades of a young Obi-Wan Kenobi, eh? I like.

I thought the end scene between Harry and Loki was pretty okay. Loki could be an interesting character, if given enough focus. It would be cool to see what he's doing with the knowledge of a shifted reality. I've only got one question: What happens when Harry dies?

All in all, I enjoyed it. Still too early to give a rating to, though.


EDIT: Kensington: The GIF in your sig rocks! I saw that episode of Cake Boss today. Serious nostalgia going on.
__________________
SUBSCRIBE to the DLP 5-Starred and Featured Authors C2. It is your destiny.



Quote:
Gipsy Danger died for your sins you ungrateful motherfuckers.
~LordRaine

Last edited by JenosIdanian; 07-22-2010 at 11:05 PM. Reason: The gobsmacked expression on Cookie Monster's face.
JenosIdanian is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-23-2010, 12:00 AM   #8
IdSayWhyNot
Minister for Magic
 
IdSayWhyNot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,280
DLP Supporter Donor Star
Quote:
Originally Posted by shinysavage View Post
I disagree. As an insight into Auror investigation, I thought it worked rather well. Presumably, the murders are going to be a fairly important plot strand, if not the main basis of the fic - showing the murder happen could have given too much away, or ruined some of the suspense. It's a police procedural show, that happens to be set in the Harry Potter universe. And has Harry rewriting reality on a regular basis...which seems interesting.

As you say though, too soon to rate - but one to watch, I think. My main problem was that there's a serious need of proof-reading.
Well, most thriller novels and police shows start with the crime. Even Dr. House starts with the 'crime'. The purpose is to draw the reader in. The crime, or whatever it is, has to be interesting and original enough to stop the reader from going, "Huh, another dead chick. Moving on..."

And by writing from the murderer's POV I don't mean 1st person. It can be written in 3rd, with little to no thoughts from the murderer, and just show/tell what the murderer does and how. Since the Aurors and Harry discuss the modus operandi of the killer in the first scene, I'm guessing that's not gonna be a big part of the suspense.

What we don't know is who the killer is, why he kills or how he chooses his victims. Those facts can easily be concealed in the prologue I suggested.

Anyway, not important. The fic could go well without the prologue. Let's just see where this guy takes it. And pray at night for a beta-reader.

__________________
Your advertising here.
IdSayWhyNot is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-23-2010, 02:13 AM   #9
Kensington
Minister for Magic
 
Kensington's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: West Coast
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,324
DLP Supporter Donor Star
Send a message via AIM to Kensington
Quote:
Originally Posted by JenosIdanian View Post
EDIT: Kensington: The GIF in your sig rocks! I saw that episode of Cake Boss today. Serious nostalgia going on.
C is for cookies. And cookies are for me!
__________________

HIVE TULLY
SWARM. ANNIHILATION. TROUT.
Kensington is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-23-2010, 02:42 AM   #10
MattSilver
The Traveller
 
MattSilver's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: TREEPOCALYPSE2K18.
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,234
Seriously first poster guy? You couldn't have just waited until I'd, you know, posted the other four parts of the story first?

But cheers for the comments guys. Let's do some addressing...

Quote:
Verdant Greengrass, seriously, WTF?
Yeah, sorry. No excuse beyond a throw-away line.

Quote:
Meh, didn't really hook me in. If I were the author I'd have written an action scene first, to draw the reader in. I'd probably had tried writing it from the murderer's POV, of how he killed the eighth victim and then activated the portkey. Maybe add some trouble with the MLE to keep it interesting.
I'll admit to that idea never actually striking me, but either way I wanted to make it entirely Harry's POV. Trouble with the MLE? Stay tuned.

Quote:
What happens when Harry dies?
Funny that.

I'mma go triple-check my chapter over. Try to root out those mistakes. Cheers for the heads up guys, Jenos especially.
__________________
"I worry about your mind, Matt, and the things it spawns." - Nuhuh, 12/01/15.
MattSilver is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-23-2010, 03:20 AM   #11
Andro
Master of Death
 
Andro's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,948
DLP Supporter Donor Star
Quote:
Edit: ok fine maybe posting this story before it really took off is breaking to suggested rule of not posting a story with only one or two chapters. Sorry if that offended anyone(fuubar). But I though maybe I could get away with it because of the chapter length and the basic idea of whats going on.
You edited that and still couldn't be fucked to correct the format?
Andro is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-23-2010, 03:02 PM   #12
IdSayWhyNot
Minister for Magic
 
IdSayWhyNot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,280
DLP Supporter Donor Star
Quote:
Originally Posted by MattSilver 3k View Post
...Snip...
Huh, didn't know the author was a DLPer... Ah, to be a newbie.

Anyway, why not post it in WBA? I'd love to see a new story there. The Santi's HP BWL is all well and good, but we need some fresh blood.

And I'll definitely stay tuned. I always enjoy police work novels, and you pretty much got a clean slate to play with here. Go blow my mind off
__________________
Your advertising here.
IdSayWhyNot is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-24-2010, 12:57 AM   #13
Garden
Minister for Magic
 
Garden's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Florida
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,253
I'll wait until there's more to look at until I post a rating.
For now:
-I liked Harry's character and his skills;They seemed to fit each other very well.
-I liked the detective style writing and the crime scene
-I'll echo what someone already said about the ghost journalist.
-I think this idea is pretty original and really cool.
-I like Remus's characterization, though he does seem cowardly. It's an original take on him, so its still cool.
-I liked the Harry/Tonks interaction and the Harry/Goblin interaction.

Looking forward to this fic getting longer.
Garden is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-29-2010, 04:44 AM   #14
psihary
Groundskeeper
 
psihary's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: ... I've got a polar bear for a neighbour...
Gender: Male
Posts: 362
Pretty good job on this one!

I admit I skipped it while browsing the search-results list in fanfic, and I read it just now since it was put for a review, and I'm quite happy I did... reading the story I mean, not the skipping part.

Anyways, there are a number of errors in the first chapter, but that was already mentioned. The only other problem that is worth mentioning would be the constant repeat of "the contract this" and "the contract that". There are paragraphs with the words "contract" and "blood contract" in every sentence, or at least it felt that way.

Finding a beta or posting in the WbA section will probably improve on several aspects of your writing as well. Since you are not a newbie in the forum, you should know that there are a number of people here who can help you spot strange wording and such.

Anyways, a good start and solid writing. 4/5 and looking forward for the next chapters where depending on how you progress the plot it could get to a 5.
__________________
"It can't be bad if we're doing it. We're the good ones..."
psihary is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-29-2010, 09:17 AM   #15
Kratos
Squib
 
Kratos's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 8
I like the suspense genre, it's refreshing to read a good story styled more towards mystery. It's a bit early to judge how it will all play out. The one thing I would say is the author likes to go heavily into the stereotypical brooding language. While it can work somewhat, I thought it was fine in the opening, there's too much of it.

Looks promising.
__________________
Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
Kratos is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-29-2010, 08:57 PM   #16
Snag
Squib
 
Snag's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: The State of Intoxication.
Gender: Male
Posts: 8
I liked it. So far, so good. Plus, the notion that Harry has to do something kinda evil to keep reality from reverting or whatever the consequences would be, is a novel twist. Too early to rate, of course, but the basic layout is quite promising.
__________________
"You have the bedside manner of an autistic vulture."
-Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham, http://www.questionablecontent.net
Snag is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-30-2010, 05:41 PM   #17
AAli
High Inquisitor
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: England
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Posts: 506
DLP Supporter Donor Star
Chapter 2 is up ; http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6166553/...t_Twelve_Signs
__________________
('._.)
AAli is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-31-2010, 05:32 PM   #18
psihary
Groundskeeper
 
psihary's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: ... I've got a polar bear for a neighbour...
Gender: Male
Posts: 362
Rituals, elements of mystery, Voldemort's name gets involved and Kingsley's murder... well the second chapter was everything I was hoping for and even a bit more... =)

The scene with the broken man Kingsley was absolutely brilliant. Can't put it right into words but I liked it so much that I read it twice before finishing the chapter!

5/5 and honestly I can't wait to read the rest.

There are still a number of errors, missing words and such. Definitely less compared with the first chapter but they are still there.

MOAR!!!
__________________
"It can't be bad if we're doing it. We're the good ones..."
psihary is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-01-2010, 02:55 PM   #19
JenosIdanian
Professor
 
JenosIdanian's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: With HP and the Hipshit Sparklepuff...
Gender: Male
Posts: 419
DLP Supporter Donor Star
Really glad to see an update for this fic.

First, the awesome:
Quote:
"Have you ascertained the whereabouts of Christian Selwyn?" Boot inquired. My leg twitched unconsciously. Thankfully, the damage from Selwyn's little projectile harpoon had been healed by a friendly Healer at St Mungo's, her services repaid with a Memory Charm for good measure.
Some fics have Harry "doin what he's gotta do" and it comes off as cliched and super-OOC, but there's enough good setup here that it seems natural for your Harry to do something like this.

Quote:
"That," Robards hissed, as if I had said a string of curse words, "does not get to the press, you hear me? I don't care if he's locked up in his crypt or something - Maximillian Jensen does not hear a word of that." He shuddered. "Ghostly bastard freaks me out.
Love Jensen, he might be my favorite OC in this entire story. Just sayin. Love the idea of a Ghost-writer YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

I love the Honks interaction in this chapter, especially when he blows her off at the Ministry right after he and Dover hear about the ninth body. It makes their pairing much more life-like, cause ya know, that stuff happens IRL.

I like Robards, especially with dialogue like:
Quote:
"No pressure," I said lightly. Robards's expression turned thunderous.

"Yes there is so fucking pressure," he snapped. "Cole's complaining to Williamson and Williamson's wondering if my Aurors are up to snuff." He glared at the two of us. "If I get shafted because you two can't solve this thing, you're both done. Potter never finished Auror training after all, and Dover, you are just generally inept."

Quite the pep talk, really. I quite disliked him, and I especially disliked the feeling of being under pressure. I was hoping tomorrow's visit ended up fruitful.
It really lets the cop in him shine through, even though he's an administrator and has to deal with political crap, well written character, I think.

Seeing Harry back at Hogwarts and his interaction with Lavender and giving the shaft to Neville was good. Just more stuff fleshing out his character. His musings about Hogwarts and the issues surrounding the "Shift" were interesting too, it'll be neat to see what the author does with the various repercussions of Harry's dimension-altering activities.

Harry and Hermoine in the alternate timeline. Hot damn, killer; you tell her! I really liked the alternate dimension setting.
Quote:
"Murdering rapists and thieving psychopaths led by an immortal snake-loving orphan who didn't get enough hugs as a child, you mean."
ZING You killed Kingsley. With a glass of scotch. There are no words for how awesome that is, seriously. Ending the chapter with some good Honks interaction is always a plus in my book.

Till ten...
__________________
SUBSCRIBE to the DLP 5-Starred and Featured Authors C2. It is your destiny.



Quote:
Gipsy Danger died for your sins you ungrateful motherfuckers.
~LordRaine
JenosIdanian is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-07-2010, 04:19 PM   #20
MattSilver
The Traveller
 
MattSilver's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: TREEPOCALYPSE2K18.
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,234
Thanks a ton for the reviews, psiharry and Jenos. The Kingsley scene was fun in that challenging sort of way to write, and I'm fucking estatic you guys liked it.

Chapter Three: Ten is up now: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6166553/3/

Fair warning though, it's a big one.
__________________
"I worry about your mind, Matt, and the things it spawns." - Nuhuh, 12/01/15.
MattSilver is offline   Reply With Quote

Tags
author: mattsilver3k, complete, harry/tonks


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Once more unto the breach Yggur Introduction Archives [Closed] 10 01-14-2010 02:19 PM
Leaping Into the Breach Nim Introduction Archives [Closed] 9 12-13-2009 11:23 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:44 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Copyright ©2005 - 2016 DLP Group. All rights reserved.
No personal intellectual property on this site may be used without the credit and express permission of the respective authors.