Thank you for this.

After reading all posted chapters has there been any indication of pure blood politics or whatever?

Everyone who responded here got turned off by the Lord black title.

I hope you did find the story interesting enough on its own merit to convince you that it doesn't revolve around a name, or assumed plot devices.
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Lord Ravenclaw

It is an honor that you put in your opinion. I am new here and I am assuming by your forum title that this thread got serious.

Unfortunately, a premise set in chapter 1 and 2 cannot be changed. The inspiration to come up with the idea was tongue in cheek, but the execution was not.

However a newcomer to the Hp world could not be expected to know about pure blood agenda . Especially coming from a bastard who doesn't know who he truly is. He is not going to sneer at mudboods or change the whole game into a 'everyone loves everybody' type Sesame Street. The assumption on this plot aspect was shocking.

He is a Knight of few words and believes in honor and justice.

Assumptions set aside, all the commenters said what they thought and I appreciate the feedback.

The character is learning as the days go by and is doing what he can to help himself and his friends Tonks and Harry. The story still revolves around Harry but I understand that OC makes or breaks a story so his involvement would be under tight scrutiny.

Thank you for the advice.

 

Lord Ravenclaw

It is an honor that you put in your opinion. I am new here and I am assuming by your forum title that this thread got serious.

Unfortunately, a premise set in chapter 1 and 2 cannot be changed. The inspiration to come up with the idea was tongue in cheek, but the execution was not.

However a newcomer to the Hp world could not be expected to know about pure blood agenda . Especially coming from a bastard who doesn't know who he truly is. He is not going to sneer at mudboods or change the whole game into a 'everyone loves everybody' type Sesame Street. The assumption on this plot aspect was shocking.

He is a Knight of few words and believes in honor and justice.

Assumptions set aside, all the commenters said what they thought and I appreciate the feedback.

The character is learning as the days go by and is doing what he can to help himself and his friends Tonks and Harry. The story still revolves around Harry but I understand that OC makes or breaks a story so his involvement would be under tight scrutiny.

Thank you for the advice.

Thanks for skimming through.

Maybe you should read slower and you would notice that by chapter two
1. They need to build wands.
2. They need to protect themselves for when they destroy the
Horcruxes

 

Kind of a litmus test for Jon Snow stories, does he think about Arya the one person in the world he has unconditional love for? She's basically his personal comparison when it comes to judging females and if their acceptable or not. I saw none of that or overly much of any thoughts about his family in this.

 

That is a very good point. But as far as Arya goes, that was his only true friend before he left, but she was a child, and his little sister. When it comes to 'judging females' now as he is older, I think he compares them to the how the wildling women were portrayed, and his step mother Catelyn. For now in this fic, he is just polite to the girls he has met, and observant, learning the culture, so to speak.

 

Well, that was thorough. Have you ever critiqued "The Black Prince"?

As for the fic...mediocre is one way of putting it. You could be a good writer, but I think you're operating on bad Intel. And a terrible premise. There's nothing at all interesting about Jon Snow in the Wizarding World.

I read somewhere that you pretty much have to hook people with the first sentence. Something that makes them want to keep reading, to discover why they should keep reading.

I have a question for you. Why are you writing this story?

 

Hi CX

The statement "there is nothing at all interesting about Jon Snow in the Wizarding World" seems to be a strong opinion here on DLP.

That basically is saying that Jon Snow isn't interesting because he can't do magic/ or he is not interesting as a character.

I beg to differ. The similarities between both young heroes being orphans having to rise to the occasion as the underdog is a common theme between the two stories. Also, Jon has magic, but not the waving spells and lore of HP.

In the books, he is a warg - connected by magic to his familiar, Ghost. Also it seems that the Stark family has ties to old magic, and the Targaryan family also is connected to Dragon magic.

In the GOT series he is OP against the cold, and his ability to to be lucky/survive and be brought back to life means he has a similar constitution to Harry: Brave, Chosen, Resurrected, gifted in combat and serving a purpose bigger than himself. Its an adventure story with themes of teamwork, fighting against bad odds, and entering a new world. But you've guessed that already.

I ave a question for you. Explain what you mean by "As for the fic...mediocre is one way of putting it. You could be a good writer, but I think you're operating on bad Intel."

 

Um, no, that's not basically what I'm saying. I stated it pretty clearly. He could be the second coming of Dumbledore for all I care, it's just not an interesting premise.

As for bad Intel; for one, you think this story is a good idea. I meant, more specifically, you should read/research things like, "How to Write Dialogue", "How to World build", "How to build a scene", etc., etc. Anything and everything about writing. It'll help.

 

Are you comparing Catelyn to the Dursely ?
Jon had loving father, and loving brothers and sisters, who he grew with.
Catelyn leaves sour taste, but she nothing like Vernon, Petunia and Dudley
Jon loves to drown himself in angst filled pools to deal with his "bastard" status, ignoring he got better life than most Westeros true-born sons, and support of his father Lord Paramount of the North.
He is actually tutored and prepared to his future.
Regarding the story, I started to read it, after ch. 3 I got bored and left.
Jon speak pattern annoyed as well.

 

Thanks for the feedback.

Hm. Two heros in one fic a terrible idea... that's rich considering the amount of various angles ff goes with stories. Snape with Harry, Harry with Lily, Voldemort loves Harry... all kind of weird creepy stuff. But if you think the idea is a terrible idea, not a problem, that's cool. Not everyone would dig it.

Methos,

No I am not comparing Catelyn to Dursley. A previous post was asking about how Jon relates to arya and females in hp world.

You should continue, it picks up with the Clan missions with action sequences.

Thanks for reading.

 

With all the traffic this post's been getting, one has to ask: If you dislike the premise yet still read the story, should you vote?

Aren't you already biased against the fic from the onset?

 

Makes sense.

However, all comments from users who actually read the story are welcome, good, bad, or savage lol.

Been in the game a while, all's fair in the internet/fic world.

This site is definitely one of a kind though.

Don't be afraid, check it out for yourself!

 

OP, since you posted your own fic here, you presumably care or want to hear what DLP has to say.

But then again, it doesn't seem that you do.

Here's my advice for you. Your premise might be bad, shaky or hard to buy. That matters, but you'll be shocked by how many people are willing to overlook that if the story is actually engaging.

Yours isn't. And it has nothing to do with Jon Snow as a character, the wizarding world or the conceptual combination of the two. It's all on your execution, which is lacking.

Moreover, stop waving away criticism by saying 'it's explained in the story so read it again you must have missed it'. No, they didn't miss it. If you believe something is properly explained in the story and yet people keep bringing it up, guess what? It's not properly explained. Your excuse is insufficient or unreasonable, or both.

Learn to take the criticism. You can get better. If you're good enough you can use tired tropes and give them an interesting spin, but the general consensus appears to be that you are not.

You might think this conclusion harsh, but it's not. If you take it to heart, you will remember it years later as the moment you actually started improving until eventually reaching a point where you could actually do your ideas justice.

Or you can continue sucking your own dick without improving while ignoring the advice of the people you asked for advice. Either way.

 

Naturally, when reading a fic and intending to review it, one should be open minded and attempt to avoid external bias. A good example of this is another fic currently in Review Board submitted by T3t. The pairing of that fic is fem!harry/Snape, something that I and the vast majority of DLP members instinctively recoil from. However the promise of technically beautiful writing as well as an engaging plot led me to try it. I suspended my dislike of the potential pairing and gave it a chance, and ended up loving it. All other reviewers have said similar things and rated it either 4 or 5 out of 5.

People have different opinions on this topic, but mine is that to vote on a story put up for review:
1. One should read the whole thing - unless it's very clearly a poorly written trainwreck.
2. The fic should be judged on it's own merits - namely the writing, pacing, strength of plot, etc. and not based upon the author's previous works, similar works or personal preferences.
3. The voter should endeavour to write an actual review - rather than just casting a vote - with the score they're giving as well as their justifications for doing so.

 

See, first you put a hard and fast rule, but then you give it a loophole based of subjective standards.

I disagree vehemently, by the way. If a story can't draw my interest, actively alienates me, or is technically bad and/or bland writing, I don't need to read the whole thing to judge it as trash.

 

wow.

This one is a gem.

I have received and accepted all criticism. I have not waived anything. Everyone can, will, and should be free to post their views and I am cool with that.

For some reason you are not cool with Me.

If the consensus from you DLP guys of the story is boring and poorly executed, that's ok. I created this thread without fear, and all views are welcome. But for you to say I am s******* my own **** is just low class.

You should be ashamed.

 

No? Are you sure you know what these words you're using mean?

Let me refresh your memory.

(Yes that is generally what happens when a story is bad)

(Hint: No they were not convinced)

See the pattern? When the person exhibiting this behavior is below the age of seven, we call this behavior 'hiding behind your hand'. When the person is -presumably- an adult, that is called sucking one's own dick.

All that this thread is saying is that A) You have no idea how to properly write Jon Snow.
B) You are similarly bad at integrating him into a new and radically different environment.
C) Your writing itself is nowhere near strong enough to excuse either of the other two points.


As I said, the only way to get better is to recognize your shortcomings.

 

Hi Republic

You win. take a bow, your advice has been received and I shall try my best to improve.

Thank you for the feedback.

 

I think I should have expanded on that point more. I would argue that an experienced reader can tell quite quickly if something is obviously trash - often within the first couple of chapters. But if that's not the case, and the reader is content to keep reading then the vote and review should take place at the end. I find in a not insignificant number of cases here, particularly in longer fics, people will read half of a story and cast their vote. And again, this is only my personal opinion and style, but I think there are enough fics which improve greatly over time, or noticeably flop (see the thread on "what could have been" fics) that the judgement should be made on the whole overall work, as opposed to the first X%.

 

The Review Board Rules state:

Clearly, the rules state that if you don't like the theme/premise and don't read the entirety, then you shouldn't vote. It says nothing about providing your thoughts/reviews/feedback.