Just a bit of fun. Write a short drabble which undermines an HP fanfiction trope, post it to the thread.


"Dumbledore sealed my parents' will!" Harry spat. He looked Ron and Hermione in the eyes. "I'm telling you, he's hiding something from me. He's trying to steal my inheritance!"

Ron and Hermione exchanged an uncomfortable look.

"Yeah, mate, Dumbledore does that to everyone," Ron said. "Uses his power as Chief Warlock to do it. No one has opened a will in over twenty years."

Harry blinked. "What? Why?"

"He has a principled objection to the concept of inherited wealth," Hermione said.

Harry gasped. "It's worse than I thought! Dumbledore... he's a communist."

 

"Just cut your finger on this ceremonial blade, and the secrets of your bloodline will be revealed. For a small fee, of course."

---- Timeskip ---

"I can't believe you, Harry. You paid 20 galleons to get tetanus," Hermione scolded. "At least magic has a cure for that. You're just lucky it wasn't something worse, because I don't think they've ever washed that thing."

 

"Wait, Dobby, your house-elf apparition... wizards can't block it, right?"

Dobby shook his head, his large ears flapping back and forth. "No, Harry Potter. Dobby can go anywhere he likes."

"So... you could just, like, apparate right next to Voldemort at any time, and he couldn't stop it?"

"At any time," Dobby confirmed. "Does Harry Potter have a task for Dobby?"

"I think I might," Harry said. "How'd you like some new clothes?"

He reached inside a trunk and pulled out a suicide vest.

 

"One more thing, Mr. Potter-Black-Peverell," said Cockgobbler. "I now hand you the proof of being the head of House Black."
Harry had expected a ring, or maybe an amulet of some kind. Instead, the goblin handed him a necklace, on which an innumerable amount of shrunken house-elf heads were strung.

"Yes, Potter," Barty Crouch Jr. growled. "I was the one who entered you as the contestant of a fourth school." He tapped his nose smugly. "Ouagadougou: you never said explicitly you weren't black."

"No, you don't get it!" Haltos Snow screamed. "A fucking printing press!"

"Here, a puppy," Sirius said. "Made him myself."

Greyback only actually attacks people who shit on his fursona OC.

"My Lord," said Snape - everyone in the room having long learnt to ignore his random moans of "Lily!" from the other room. "I bring you... news."

"You see this scar?" Harry said, pulling up the arms of his robes, exposing Quidditch-toned muscles and tracing a thin red line. "Got it from when my uncle hit me with a belt."
"You poor thing!" Susan Bones said. "That must've been horrible!"
He'd actually gotten it during a chugging contest in the Room of Requirement that'd gone wrong, but Susan didn't need to know that.

"I'm going to kill all the Malfoys, one by one," Hermione said. "All I need is this Time Turner and a complete disregard for condoms."

“We swore when we took him in we’d put a stop to that rubbish,” said Uncle Vernon, “swore we’d stamp it out of him! We'll have none of it -- that Catholic business! Who knows what's hiding beneath those white frocks, eh?”

"Alright," said Snape. "You take this Polyjuice, Draco, and I'll take this one. Then -- what happens, happens, and we never speak another word about this." Harry, hiding behind the door after having snuck out of Slug Club, was horrified, but moreso when he realized Snape's hair was turning bright red, and his eyes a clear Killing Curse green...

Harry grinned at Mrs. Weasley. "I have some experience with the Avada Kadavra," he said, taking another tug of his cigarette. "But I also have some experience with la petite mort."

"That's Malfoy for you," Ron said, scowling, after the blond boy had left the compartment, his nose as high in the air as ever. "He's a complete twat."

"Really now, Harry," said Dumbledore, his voice somehow drowning out the screams of the muggles trapped inside the burning Wicker Man, "I don't know why you're complaining, it's a Hogwarts Yuletide tradition."

"Harry, Voldemort's resurrected! Shouldn't you be studying how to duel?"
"Fuck off," said Harry, "I've got a game to win and whores to bang."

 

Harry loved books. He positively adored the mere concept of reading. There was nothing he wanted more than to spend hours in the Hogwarts library, with Hermione of course. Gone was his passing tryst with Quidditch, much to the chagrin of his former friend in Ron Weasley. His new hobby was reading books of dark magic and mastering the concepts and practice within the hour.
Across the room the vulpine senses of the librarian, Madam Pince, easily detected the approach of Headmaster Dumbledore. He offered her a lemon drop, but she told him she hardly needed the veritaserum. It was better used on that failure of a witch Molly Weasley.

"Honestly, Albus, how is it that a mere eleven-year-old outwitted you? It still seems impossible, even as it happens before my very eyes."

"Oh, no, dear Irma. At this rate, Harry will pass his exams without my having to cancel them." She blinked. She blinked again.

"You can't honestly expect me to believe-"

"-that this was the plan all along? Perhaps not. And yet, Weasley revealing everything was as sure as the Chudley Cannons finishing at the bottom of the league." His brilliant blue eye gave a wink before she was distracted by another permission slip for passage into the Restricted Section. She sighed, hoping the students had only been forging Severus's signature to check out books on sex magic.

 

Also Taure and I had a whole discussion about why the Malfoys were so rich. Our conclusion:

<Taure> Abraxas Malfoy, inventor of the vanishing chamber pot.
<BTT> the vanishing chamber pot, of course, being the invention where the entire pot vanishes
<BTT> ingenious sales maneuver, really
<Taure> At the worst possible time
<BTT> the minute you've got diarrhea it grows legs and is out of there
<BTT> for some reason he gave it a mouth so it can scream
<Taure> Which makes sense
<Lindsey> and some poor muggle walking and just getting drench in wizard piss
<Taure> Why would the pot want your piss and shit in it
<Taure> If wizards give life and personality to their mirrors
<Taure> Why not their chamber pots
<Taure> "What's that sound?" Pansy asked, looking around Draco's bedroom nervously. "Is someone calling for help?"
<Taure> "Ignore it," Draco said, "it's just the chamber pot."
<BTT> But, awful as being tortured by Bellatrix at Malfoy Mansion was, they heard far worse screaming in the night - and once, Harry had been taken past a room with a big lock magically bolted onto its door, which said simply, in huge letters, "POTS".
<Taure> "It's him!" one of the pots said to its neighbour, "the chosen one! At last, my friends, the Potter has come! Just as that old gypsy woman said!"

 

"Harry, I'm worried," Hermione said, "we're half way through our sixth year and the only new magic you've learnt are thirteen variations of the contraception charm."

----Some time later----

"Huh," Harry said, staring down the green light of Voldemort's wand, "guess I should have spent more time studying magic and less time fucking Fleur."

 

"Avada Kadavra!" Voldemort shouted. "Monkas," Peter Pettigrew muttered outside. "This is not poggers."

Dumbledore rose from his chair and moved to the fireplace. With one smooth movement of his wand, he made some floo powder fall into the fire, and it swiftly turned green. "O M G, Minnie," he said. "You won't believe what just happened."

"Is it true, professor Dumbledore, sir?" Hermione asked. "Are you gay?"
Dumbledore blinked. "Well, not at the moment."

 

Harry stared at Susan's bountiful breasts, bared to him at last. "Susan!" he gasped, "you've got locks on your magical core! Did Dumbledore put those there?"

Susan looked down. "Er, those are nipple piercings."

 

I finally understood what "Magical Core Enthusiast" meant.

 

Harry frowned. "You're saying... I swallowed the philosopher's stone?"

"Quite so!" Dumbledore said cheerfully. "I'm afraid to say, Harry, that you have a great many years of life ahead of you--all of them to be spent with the most terrible constipation."

----Some time later----

"You mean it's true?" Malfoy said with delight. "You're actually shitting gold, Potter? I bet Weasley's got all sorts of plans for your arse."

--- Post automerged ---

The Adventures of Griphook the Cart Driver Account Manager
​

"Griphook," Harry said respectfully, "my trustworthy account manager, promoted from a lowly position driving carts to an investment analyst handling my billions of galleons. Tell me, how fares my fortune?"

Griphook rubbed his hands together. "You're going to like this one. I looked into the Muggle technology market, just like you told me to, and I've found the perfect product to invest in. It's streets ahead of the rival technology... I'm so sure, I've invested your entire portfolio into this one technology."

"Well?" Harry asked, "what is it?"

"Betamax."

----Some time later----​

"I can tell you're a cautious investor, Lord Potter" Griphook said. If the boy hadn't been cautious before, he would be after he found out about the Betamax disaster. "That's why I recommend putting your money into a safe bet blue chip stock. In fact, I've already taken the liberty of putting a large portion of your gold into a company called Enron."

----Some time later----​

"I'm not sure about buying shares in companies, Griphook," Harry said. "They seem too risky. Isn't there a safer option?"

"Of course," Griphook said. "I'll tell you what, I'll put your money into real estate. There's no safer investment than the American property market."

----Some time later----​

"I've decided to enter the property insurance market, Griphook."

"An excellent choice, sir."

Harry nodded. "Now, I'll need something big to make a statement... announce myself in the market, you know? Do you have any ideas?"

"How about this?" Griphook said. He pulled out a brochure. "It's called the World Trade Centre."

 

There was a knock at the door.

“Go away, Hermione.”

Harry had the shards of the mirror in his hands, and he looked out the window of Gryffindor tower, morosely. Why hadn’t he thought to use the mirror? Why hadn’t he thought?

“Knock, knock,” came an adult voice. The door to dormitory opened, and Remus’ grey hair popped around the door. “Can I come in?”

“Aren’t you afraid I’ll get you next? First my dad, now Padfoot, and Wormtail’s proving a little slippery, sorry.”

He looked worn as he walked over to Harry and sat down beside him, more than usual, in his customarily shabby robes.

“You know I’m always going to be here for you, right?” asked Lupin.

Harry placed the shards down on his beside table. “Yeah, thanks.”

“It’s just us two now, pup. He wouldn’t want us to mourn, he’d want us to howl at the moon.”

Harry looked away. “Sure,” he said, “‘Cus you were around so much when you were teaching here.”

There was an intake of breathe. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that,” said Harry.

“I’m sorry, too, pup.” Remus backhanded the glasses off his face. “Submit and this’ll be quick.”

“Ow! What in Merlin’s name was that?”

“I’m the alpha now, Harry!” His next backhand slapped Harry to the floor. “It’s for the good of the pack, now bite the foot of that wardrobe!”

Harry showed his belly, instinctively understanding how to assume the omega role in his new pack.

Remus howled in victory. “Woooolfstar!”

 

"Where are you going?" Amelia asked Amos, who was rushing towards the Wizengamot chambers. Now that she looked, a lot of people seemed to be headed in that direction.

"It's Fudge!" Amos cried. "They're going to impeach him!"

Amelia sighed. "Right then. You get the peach, I'll get the lube."

-------------

[AU where the Ministry uses the Sorting Hat to judge criminals.]

“Hmm,” said a small voice in his ear. “Difficult. Very difficult. Plenty of greed, I see. Not a small amount of wrath either. There’s lust, oh my goodness, yes — and a nice dose of guilt, now that’s interesting. . . better be CASTRATION!"

-------------

"Prison, Mr Potter?" Mr Crouch said with a chuckle. "Oh no. Here at the Ministry of Magic, we only deal out ironic punishments."

"Last week we had a fellow caught dosing a pretty witch with a love potion. We sentenced him to marry a hag."

"Then there was the chap who kept spying on locker rooms under an invisibility cloak. We cursed him so that all women will be invisible to him."

 

An AU where Dumbledore isn't just evil, he's also treating Harry's life like a game show.

 

"Ah, Griphook!" Harry exclaimed as he made his way across Gringotts lobby. He didn't notice the hush that fell across the room at his words, wizard and goblin alike staring at him in shock. "How's it going? Just here to make a quick withdrawal, nothing too...Griphook?"

The goblin was staring at him, slackjawed and...blushing? After a moment's awkward silence, during which Harry finally began to pick up on the attention being focused on him from the others in the room, even worse than normal, Griphook hopped off his stool and hurried round to Harry's side of the counter, hand out-stretched towards him. "Mr Potter - Harry - I had no idea, this is indeed an honour! Please, follow me, follow me."

Too baffled to disagree, Harry followed, letting the goblin take his hand in a surprisingly gentle grip. As Griphook led him away, Harry noticed some of the other goblins flashing their colleague enthusiastic thumbs-up, and similar signs of encouragement. "Um, Griphook, what's going on?"

"Hooknose, the bank's director, will explain everything, Mr...Harry," Griphook said, his voice softening on the name, looking up at Harry almost demurely. Harry could feel the hairs rising on the back of his neck; he started trying to ease his hand out of Griphook's, but the goblin was tenacious, squeezing tighter. After ascending through several floors, they found themselves outside an impressive set of double doors, with a stern looking goblin sat at a desk outside. Griphook finally let go of Harry's hand, and hurried over to the other goblin, whispering urgently.

"Really?" the other goblin exclaimed, casting an incredulous look Harry's way. "Well...congratulations, I suppose."

"Thank you!" Griphook exclaimed, sounding almost giddy. He hurried back to Harry, taking his hand again as the doors swung open, revealing on older, rather more distinguished goblin sat behind a much more impressive desk than his secretary. Harry was rather reminded of Dumbledore's office. The goblin looked up at them as Griphook led the way across the room, finally breaking the silence when they came to a halt in front of the desk.

"Well?"

"Honoured Hooknose, may your gold ever flow, I am pleased to announce that Harry Potter, The Boy-Who-Lived..." Griphook paused, clearly gathering his emotions, "has remembered my name!"

Hooknose dropped his quill, ink spattering over his waistcoat. "I beg your pardon?"

"Harry remembers my name!"

"Oh Griphook, that's wonderful! I'm so pleased for you - and Mr Potter, what a delight it is to be able to welcome you to our little family!"

"I'm...sorry, what?"

"You remembered Griphook's name, my boy! A momentous occasion, I'm sure you'll agree - this hasn't happened since the last Rebellion!"

"That seems unlikely..." Harry muttered, but the goblins both shook their heads.

"Oh yes, no wizard since has been willing to invoke the Marriage Contract clause we insisted on, but here you are!"

"...Marriage contract?"

"Yes, Mr Potter! Now, I think a spring wedding is best, don't you?"

Hooknose's words washed over Harry, indistinct, as he looked down at Griphook, aghast. His...fiancee...looked up at him with an expression that bordered on adoration. How the hell was he going to get out of this one?

 

Griphook smiled as Harry agreed to give him back Gryffindor's Sword. "I'm glad you agree with the Goblin theory of ownership, Harry. I was beginning to fear you were a capitalist. You see, Goblins believe in the labor theory of value. Have you ever heard of our Goblin hero, Karl Gripcoin Marx?"

 

"The Dursleys," Harry said to Amelia Bones, finally opening up about his childhood, "they kept me in a cupboard."

Amelia nodded. "Well, it's good to hear the Muggles at least know something about how to properly raise a wizard. Did they also expose you to danger?"

Harry blinked. "Well, they let my cousin beat me up all the time... so long as he could catch me, that was."

"No, no, that won't do at all," Amelia said, and Harry felt like he was finally getting somewhere. His feeling was short-lived. "I'll have to have a discussion with your guardians. They should have at least been throwing you out of the window on a fairly regular basis. How's a child's magic supposed to manifest if you don't expose them to proper danger? Honestly, these Muggles know nothing. Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Harry. Don't worry, I'll make sure to take the appropriate action."

------Some time later, after Amelia has removed Harry from the Dursleys to ensure he gets a proper wizarding upbringing------

"Magic is like a muscle, Harry!" Algernon said cheerfully as he dangled Harry out of a window. "We'll turn you into a great wizard, mark my words!"

----Some time later----

"Weak," Harry spat, looking down at the pathetic form of Draco Malfoy. "Look where your silk sheets and elegant breakfasts get you, Malfoy. While my magic was fighting for survival, yours was wallowing in a lake of butter."

 

The saga of Severina Snape:

[BTT] I was actually thinking up a shitpost earlier where Harry busts into the dungeon, wand drawn, to find Severina Snape crooning along to Celestina Warbeck's Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love
[BTT] "Mr. Potter," Severina Snape said, her lips curling in a horrible attempt at a smile. "You have your father's eyes."
[BTT] "Uh," Harry said, deeply uncomfortable.
[BTT] "Welcome - to Remedial Potions," Snape said, in a horrible voice. She waved her wand and the door locked behind Harry.
[BTT] "Tonight, Mr. Potter," she breathed, "we study the Love Potion."
[Taure] Snape's Best Memory
[Taure] Harry stumbles into the pensieve to the memory of fem!Snape giving male!Lily a blowie
[Taure] "You came in my mouth, you mudblood!"
[BTT] "I shall have to motivate you, I see, Mr. Potter," Snape said, and Harry cringed. "For every time you cannot repel my Legilimency attack, I shall take one item of clothing off."
[BTT] female Snape the Rapist is pretty easy to write actually
[BTT] fem!Snapist

 

Breaking News: Hogwarts to trial new Dark Lord detection programme

Every new student is to have their palm read by the seer Sybil Trelawney to determine whether their future contains death

--------

"In remarkable news, Ms Trelawney was able to apprehend 40 Dark Lords in the making in the programme's first year of operation."

"Yes, it's quite stunning, Apparently every single student that year was a future Dark Lord in the making."

--------

"The Ministry of Magic has determined that all 40 potential Dark Lords shall be forced to participate in a "Hunger Games" to determine which of them is most deserving of the title."

"We need to raise the quality of our Dark Lords," Minister Pump said. "When these Dark Lords rise up, they're not sending us their best."