Title: Servitude of a Peculiar Sort
Author: Ghostwheel
Rating: T
Genre: General
DLP Category: General (presumably)
Pairing: Unknown
Status: Work in Progress
Summary: Harry wanders the forest after Dumbledore's funeral so that he can think. But instead of a solution to his problems, he finds a Dryad who ensnares his mind and uses him as her servant. But what if in exchange for his servitude, she will teach Harry “the power he knows not?”
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3504058/1/


A few months back, I discovered that my writing wasn't nearly as good as I thought it was. After some helpful criticism and just general suggestions, I went to work. I think I managed two original ideas that may have some actual potential. One is just a one-shot that I thought was all right but I'm pleased with my other story idea and was hoping someone would be willing to look one or both of them over. I posted them on ff.net under my alternate name.

The stories can be found at: www.fanfiction.net/~ghostwheel

Also, am I posting this in the right place? I would assume this fits under fanfic discussion but if it doesn't, let me know and I'll ask the mods to move it or something.

Thanks,
Neopyro

Fixed it -MS

 

Nope, wrong place. Should post in the "For Review" section of the library. Read the rules for posting first.

 

There were a myriad of things wrong, which I will now list so that you have no excuse if you try and recommend a fic again:

1. New stories which are yet to be recommended are placed in 'For Review' where we will tear it to shreds. Also, make sure to check this thread: http://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?t=2803 before even thinking of recommending anything.

2. There is a strictly adhered-to posting format in place which can be found here: http://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?t=101 It isn't there for the fun of it, it really isn't.

3. Generally, each story has its own thread, and certainly has its own link. A vague link to your author profile will not suffice, you must link directly to the story. I used the most recently updated story on your profile page.

4. As a general rule, take some time to find out what is going on before jumping in at the deep end.

5. Your fic did not specify the pairing, if any. You should still be able to edit your post and fill in that field at the earliest opportunity.

In conclusion, when people scream at you to read the rules and stickies, it is to stop you looking like an idiot. While reading the rules seems a bit much, the stickies are easy to read and there is no excuse for not quickly glancing over them.

 

So then, apart from you previously posting this in the wrong place, I shall review.

First off, the idea. Truthfully, I have NEVER seen this one done before. Nor have I even seen anything like it. 5/5 for originality.

Second, your grammar and syntax. They are VERY well done, with only a few errors of your spellchecker, such as "rusting" instead of "rustling." At first, the first few paragraphs felt like they needed to be combined, but on further examination, they're fine as they are. 4.8/5 for those.

Execution comes third. What I mean by execution, is the level of originality in advancing the plot, whether there are horrendous plot contrivances or cliches, and the like. There aren't. In fact, I actually quite like the device you used of Harry just being bored, and deciding to wander, leading to such huge consequences! It really speaks to my love of the Law of Unintended Consequences. Even though canon Harry would never do that (he's too much of a pussy), but oh well. Execution gets a 4.8/5.

Definition is fourth. How well do you do non-speech sections of the story? This is a part of writing that many new and inexperienced writers struggle with. You did quite well with this. At times, I could feel almost as if I was actually there. 4.7/5 here, with minor improvement possible through the inclusion of some tasteful backstory, here and there.

Plot ends the review. Right now, it is too short to determine the true rating for plot, but it links with the idea, which, as stated above, is good. Preliminary 4/5, with room to go up or down based on plot development and sub-plots, later.

Overall, I'd say you get a solid 4.6/5, which I will round up in my thread rating to a 5/5.

Keep up the good work.

 

My apologies for being an idiot. Thanks for looking at it anyway. Thank you for fixing it MS.

For a pairing, I'm thinking of none or maybe some form of attachment to the dryad that is somewhat akin to Bellatrix's devotion to Voldemort. Not sure on that front. I'm glad it had a decent enough start though.

 

Its a pretty good start, I won't pass judgement without more than one chapter written, though. Keep it up

 

Good start to a fic I reckon. You've got good grammar, spelling and I've got an inkling of a plot... Looks pretty damn cool.

No score for now cause there's only one chapter.

Aekiel

 

One of the few things that irked me was the constant use of the word "mood". C'mon! Give us a little variety here! Other than that, it looks pretty good. I'm hesitant to give a score simply because there is only one chapter, though if it stays at this level of writing - a possible 4/5 from me.

 

A very nice start, it seems to be well constructed and interesting. One thing you should watch though, is your use of brackets ()... parentheses aren't necessary when writing narrative prose, put those bracketed phrases into your sentence structure using commas, semi-colons, and hyphens. This makes for a smoother flow when reading, the brackets tend to break up the thought patterns making it seem fragmented. Otherwise, well done.

 

It's good, I like it, but I would prefer you to beef up the chapters, making them slightly longer. That said, you ended this one in a good place.

 

I really liked the beginning of this, and your oneshot. I think that it could quite easily lead into a full story, although I'm not quite sure where Harry would fit in. With your dryad story, you know you aren't recieving anonymous reviews? My favourite part of the story was how Harry didn't even try to fight the dryad. In most stories with mindcontrol, he desperately fights the vampire/veela/banshee, and sometimes even wins, which I think is unrealistic. I mean 10,000 year old vamp versus Harry. The vamp should win easily. Good job, but no rating yet.

 

It's definitely original. Hell, I actually had to look up what a dryad was. I also didn't see spelling errors. Taking everything into account I think that this is a pretty promising story, although I'll have to wait for a couple more chapters to actually give your story a rating.

 

I didn't like it at all, it was bland and needs more fleshing out.

A lot of fleshing out.

2.5/5

 

I'm not sure about this one. While I've never seen the idea before, I think the story itself could use some work. I did notice the overuse of the word "mood" which is annoying, especilly when it pops up more than once in a paragraph.

While this could be an interesting story, I can't say I'd read much further, as the brackets annoy the sin out of me. I cannot be doing with it. It ruins the flow and detracts heavily from the story as a whole.

I shall refrain from rating due to the length, and it may get better, but at this moment in time, I can't say this is a story I'd spend alot of time reading.

 

Errr, what? Was that really necessary?

As for the story itself, well, it was alright.

But as stated before, it needs a lot more fleshing out

 

It's not a bad story so far, and dryad characters are rarely used in HP fanfiction. I know of one other HP fanfic with a dryad character off the top of my head, and that's a Psychic Serpent universe story done back in 2004 by an author named Dryad.

 

Waiting to rate until there is more than one chapter. As you've written many nice starts, and practically no finishes.

There are far too many abandoned recced stories.

 

New chapter is up. Its nice but lacking. Its super short and took something like 18 days for the update. I know I'm impatient but the concept of the story interests me, so I'm really waiting for more. I'm defiantly not the best judge but I liked the writing and I didn't notice any bad grammar or spelling so no complaints there.

 

I didn't find the newest chapter to be particularly exceptional. Add in the shortness factor and and the bland descriptions used equals me not impressed.

This fic seems to be headed downhill. If the next chapter doesn't have any redeeming qualities, I'll probably drop this thing and find something else to read.