The candlelight flickered against the nursery walls, casting long, spindly shadows across the quilted ceiling. Outside, the wind hummed softly against the windowpanes,. A young child lay curled beneath a woolen blanket, eyes wide with the expectant gleam only bedtime stories could summon. Beside the bed, his mother sat, stroking his hair absentmindedly as she thought of what story to tell, her voice warm as she began.

With a flick of her wand, tiny golden sparks drifted into the air, swirling into the shape of a hooded figure. "Once upon a time," she said, "there was a terrible sorcerer, so evil that people did not dare speak his name. He was more powerful than anyone before him, and he sought to hurt not just the magical folk, but everyone, everywhere."

The child gasped as the shadowy figure spread its arms, a whisper of darkness curling through the air before vanishing. "Did no one stop him?"

"Well you see Alex, there was a boy much like you," his mother said, tucking the blanket tighter around him. With another flick of her wand, a tiny figure appeared with a glimmering lightning-shaped scar on its brow and a face that looked much like Alex himself . He had been marked by the Dark One, but he was not afraid. He had been chosen, though not by fate alone."

The boy nestled closer, breathless. "Who chose him?"

She smiled, pressing a finger to his nose. With a wave, two more figures emerged beside the first—a girl with a bright, flickering light above her head and a boy whose outline shimmered like a protective shield. "His friends. A girl with a mind sharper than any blade and a boy with a heart bigger than the sea. They stood beside him when no one else would."

The child frowned, thoughtful. "Only three against the Dark One? That doesn’t seem fair."

"Ah," she mused, "but stories rarely are."

"I bet they were really strong anyway, they didn't need a fair fight"

His mother chuckled, ruffling his hair. "Oh, they had their tricks, my love. And their courage, more than enough to make up for unfair fights."

The fire in the hearth crackled, embers shifting, sending a soft glow across the room. Above it, smoky wisps twisted into the shapes of castles and dark forests, moving as she spoke. "The Dark One’s power had spread like smoke, curling into every corner of the land, twisting good men’s hearts into being meant evil versions of their selves. But the boy and his friends set forth on a dangerous journey to find the magical sword that would destroy this evil evil man"

The child's eyes gleamed as the figures darted through the air, tiny golden footprints trailing behind them. "a magical sword!? what kind?"His mother raised an eyebrow, a knowing twinkle in her eye. "Ah, now that's another tale love, and you only did chores for one. Gryffindor’s sword, forged in goblin silver and bathed in the bravery of heroes past. But that, my dear Alex, is a story for another night."

She continued before he could get too excited and ask more questions,

"One by one, through fire and frost, through forests thick with whispers and castles filled with ghosts," she said, her voice low and full of secrets. The tiny figures battled shadows in the air, and sparks erupted as they vanquished each one. "They broke the Dark One’s power, piece by piece, until at last, the boy stood before him. The battle was fierce, but in the end the three friends joined each others in one spell, one spell so infused with their friendship and love for one another that it shimmered like the sun herself, unstoppable, unyielding, as if the very universe itself had answered their call.", and so, Voldemort, the Dark One fell." With a final flick of her wand, the shadowy figure crumbled into golden dust. "And when he did, the world woke from its nightmare."

The child sighed, dreamily. "And the boy became king?"

His mother laughed, shaking her head. "Not a king, no. Just a man. A hero who chose to do what's right. He lived on, quietly, with his friends at his side."

The boy yawned, his lashes fluttering. "Did they live happily ever after?"

His mom giggled fondly, stroking his hair again. "Pf course dearie, they deserved as much after such a heroic feat"

The child’s breathing slowed, his fingers curling into the blanket. "And the Dark One never came back?"

"Never again," she promised, kissing his forehead. "Because stories like his always end the same way. Evil rises, and good stands against it. And when all hope seems lost, someone—a boy just like you my love—finds the strength to win against it."

The boy grinned sleepily, puffing out his chest. "Yeah, well, if this Voldemort ever comes back, I'd fight him too! And win!" His tiny fingers mimicking the shape of a wand and sluggishly making exaggerated spell sounds, a triumphant but yet sleepy expression on his face.

"I know, mommy's little hero. But time for sleep now my love."

The boy mumbled sleepily, his words slurring as he nestled deeper into his blanket. "Mmm... Mom, tomorrow can I hear the one where Harry Potter fought Merlin?"

 

Spoiler

Short and sweet, in a way, could do with a general edit.

I like the idea of HP turning into a story, and getting twisted with time I suppose, but I think the real story is in the details that got mangled with time, arcane magic, overblown moments, and undeserved credits. So overall what I think this lacks is the words themselves.

Nice closing line, all in all, but maybe a tad too cracky. If this was a last minute effort, cheers, otherwise, a bit of a waste.

 

Spoiler

An outer story with an inner one.
The outer story's description grounds it nicely - I wouldn't mind a few more sentences pinning it further even if it's not the focus. If I were petty, I'd ask why you didn't use Alex's name after introducing it.

Having Alex be sleepy and blurt this was a good move! It sounds like it would be a most ridiculous and captivating tale, things which Alex has latched to.

Now, onto the tale. I like the parts that mutated, keeping all that comes with other children's tales. It teaches its moral plainly - standing together against evil.

The mother's answer to this question froze me for a second. They chose him by being the only ones to stand by him? Sounds a bit nonsensical to me, but I guess it needn't make much sense.

 

Spoiler

I enjoyed it. I liked the tone it set, and some of the imagery.

However, I don't feel that it maintained a cohesive flow throughout. There were moments when reading that I had to stop, go back, and make sure I got what was said, as it wasn't immediately clear. That seems contrary to what was intended.

Nothing another pass or two wouldn't fix tho.

 

Spoiler

The idea of Harry's story getting twisted into something else over time has definite merit. That's a really neat idea. The way you simplify the story makes sense, more or less. Having Ron and Hermione there but being essentially bit characters holds up, though I'd expect that they have something to contribute at some point, but then again, it's just a bedtime story. The chains of story logic and foreshadowing fade a little in that context.

Nonetheless there's something hollow about it. It's almost archetypal, in a way. Alex is a child, and his mother is his mother, stereotypically so. When Alex does something it's because that's what expected from a child character, and his mother responds in the way that you'd expect from a mother. Do they exist beyond that? It's impossible to say. If you had two chatbots RP at each other and edited in the fairy tale story yourself this is what you'd get.

Maybe this is just me making a mountain of a molehill, I don't know, but that's the feeling I got. Also: You've also got some issues with forgetting to end sentences with correct punctuation.

 

Thank you all for the reviews. As I wrote this I thought it was kinda hack to interpret the prompt this way but I'm overall happy with it for a (very) short piece.

Great review, once you pointed this out and I went back to reread it I could see this plainly and am now a bit miffed with it. Would you have any suggestions how to fix it? I've given it some thought and I was thinking maybe the mom snaps at her child for one too many interruptions and that would obviously break the mom stereotype, but that might be a bit edgy. Curious about other suggestions, even if I don't really have any intentions of rewriting this.

Punctuation is for suckers

 

Spoiler

I find this entry cute. I loved the idea of the HP stories turning into little magical tales before bed. It brought a smile to my face. Now, I do think the entry is a little short, and it could use a little fleshing out, but outside of that, it is good for what it is. This entry fits the prompt perfectly. Thank you.

 

Spoiler

I enjoyed the story, felt well written at first, although there are a few mistakes, particularly towards the end:

Spoiler: MISTKE

Typo: Mean instead of meant. Or just get rid of the word altogether.

If repetition is intentional, a comma should be placed in between the repeated words.

Uppercase after periods and exclamation marks.

I don't know whats going on here tbh. This is how it should read as far as I can tell: "...if the very universe itself had answered their call. And so, Voldemort, the Dark One, fell."

Of course. Also, sentences should be ended with periods.

This is a recurrent issue. When directly addressing someone or something in a sentence, commas are used to separate the adress (my love, or a name) from the rest of the sentence. Minor beans, but beans nonetheless.

Getting to the meat and potatoes, I couldn't help but feel that this isn't really a wizarding tale. It's more a slice of life scene about a mother trying to get her son to sleep by telling him a pseudo wizarding tale (very meta, I know). If the mother had been singing, instead of telling a story, the effect on the reader would have been much the same. This is, imo, because the actual wizarding tale, subject of the prompt, boils down to like, three beats:

1. There's a boy who has been marked by the Dark One and fate. The Dark One is very evil, but the boy has his homies so s'alright.
2. The boy and his friends set forth on a dangerous journey to find a magical sword to defeat the Dark One.
? Sike! That part of the story can only be accessed through a paid DLC. Should have scrubbed the dishes harder, ya little shit. Momma ain't got time for freebies.
3. The boy and his friends battle the Dark One and stomp his ass with the power of friendship.

You see the issue. By making the mother literally too lazy to even tell a proper story, the wizarding tale becomes just a crutch for the actual heart of the scene, which is just a slice of life scene about a mother trying to get her son to sleep. And in that it works, although its a little cliche.

Suggestion? Don't be lazy. Tell a proper wizarding tale next time.

3/5 + 1/2 = 1.1 quick maff