Title: A Name in the Ashes
Author: Pensieve Pundit
Rating: T
Status: Work in Progress
Pairing: None
Genre: Drama, Adventure
Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14486696/1/A-Name-in-the-Ashes

Summary:
What if Voldemort attacked both Harry and Neville that Halloween night? The world crowns Neville the Boy Who Lived, while Harry is presumed dead. But in a quiet Muggle orphanage, a boy with strange powers grows up unseen. And somewhere outside, a fugitive godfather plots an impossible rescue, risking prison, death and worse; to give Harry a name, a future. And a home…

This story is a different take on the Wrong Boy Who Lived trope, told with a focus on emotional realism, character depth, and narrative development. Rather than relying on character bashing, the story explores differing perspectives and opinions; people may see each other in imperfect or conflicting lights, but no one is vilified just for the sake of it

This first book acts as a prologue, spanning from Halloween 1981 to the autumn just after Harry's tenth birthday. It primarily follows Sirius Black’s point of view as he navigates grief, guilt, and redemption in a hidden corner of the world. From the next book onwards, Harry will take centre stage, and his perspective will become the heart of the story.

Though not a crack fic, the series will carry a thread of humour, especially from character interactions and dynamics.

This is the first of a seven-part series.

 

I guess you're the author? Since it's only 14k words long at the moment, I'll wait for more before checking it out. You might want to consider posting this in the work by author section instead.

 

Yes, I’m the author. Thanks for checking in! The story’s now up to around 30k words, almost halfway, and I’ll be updating regularly. The full fic should be complete by next week, so if you’re waiting for the entire thing, you won’t have to wait long.

I’d thought the Review Board was the right place for sharing new work, but I really appreciate the heads-up! I’ll keep the Work by Author section in mind. Thanks again!

 

Really enjoying this so far. The writing is fantastic and just sucks you in. The scene with Dumbledore and the kids in costume hooked me right away. Eagerly looking forward to more.

 

Thank you so much, truly appreciate the kind words!

That scene with Dumbledore and the kids was one of the earliest I imagined when the idea for this fic started bubbling. I liked the contrast of him, this towering mythic figure, being gently out of place but still deeply human, surrounded by kids who think he’s just some quirky old man with odd socks. It set the tone for the kind of story I wanted to tell, equal parts heart, humour, and weight.

Also, thanks a ton for the review, it really means a lot. I’m so glad the story’s resonating, and I hope the upcoming chapters continue to deliver!

 

A few thoughtful readers on FFN pointed out something I’d overlooked: by 1981, most Muggle orphanages in the UK had been phased out in favour of foster care. They’re absolutely right, and I appreciate them taking the time to say so.

When I first outlined this story, I’d noted that historical detail, but coming back to it years later, I went with theme over accuracy. So yes, Harry is raised in an orphanage in this fic, not to mirror Riddle’s childhood or lean into gothic tropes, but as a way to explore quiet resilience, loneliness, and what it means to be offered a choice.

St. Jude’s is meant to feel ordinary, not cruel, a narrative foil to ask: what if two boys with similar beginnings had different hands extended to them?

And honestly, if the wizarding world can run on quills and parchment in the ‘90s, perhaps the Muggle side was just a little delayed too, Ministry inefficiency is clearly contagious.

I'm new to this forum and couldn’t find the edit button on my original post, so posting this as a follow-up. Around 47k of the planned 68k words are already up, and I’d really appreciate any feedback or advice on how to improve, whether it’s character, pacing, tone, or anything else.

If I’ve unknowingly broken a rule by posting this, I hope I won’t be sent to magical detention, unless it comes with biscuits.

 

If you’re already finished with writing it & are just looking for final ratings/reviews & possible inclusion in our Library list then you’ve probably put it in the right place. Our discord has been sapping activity from the main forum lol so replies will be a bit slow in coming in.

Work by Author is typically(but not always) used for WIP stories or to get more specific and direct helpful feedback, like story structure, grammar issues, etc.

It’s nice to see a new face (& story), I’ll give this a read and drop my review with any comments or thoughts once I’ve finished it.

 

The quality is there, some scenes go on a bit. There's a narrative issue of being unsure what the plot is which adds to making things feel like they're running on while we wait for something to happen.

 

I think it's still early, even after the latest chapters. I think what strikes me the most is that the substance is missing a little. I've noticed it can be very common in fanfiction to dramatize scenes with very self-indulgent prose. While imagery and descriptiveness and yada yada are great in balance, what's happened so far

Spoiler

is the attacks happened a little differently, and Harry is growing up in an orphanage and meeting Sirius.

Great, a good start and I'm intrigued. On the other hand, for every plot beat we get, we also get paragraphs of repetitive descriptions and dramatization. It also comes with a lot of "telling." Here's an example of what I mean.

Spoiler

Outside, across the narrow lane from Number Seventeen, a short, plump man crouched low in the cover of a dense, untrimmed hedge, barely distinguishable from the shadows around him. He shifted nervously, the hem of his cloak damp with dew, breath curling white in the cold air.

Peter Pettigrew had always known how to disappear; not with the elegance of a skilled wizard, but with the instinct of something small and cornered. His pale, round face was pinched with cold and fear, eyes darting with a twitchy, rodent-like alertness. A weak chin disappeared into a scarf that had seen better winters, and his fingers fidgeted ceaselessly around the handle of his wand as though it might vanish if not clutched tight.

He had a way of folding into himself, as if trying to shrink from the world's gaze, to not be noticed, and more importantly, not be remembered.

But tonight, all that furtive energy was fixed on a single point: the quiet, glowing windows of the cottage across the road.

Dumbledore. Damn it.

He hadn't expected the old man to show. Tonight, of all nights.

Peter swallowed hard. He had to alert the Dark Lord now. He had to move.

He slinked back through the hedges, his breath shallow and ears straining for any sign of being spotted. The Dark Lord needs to know that Dumbledore is here, he thought, heart pounding like a trapped beetle in his chest.

He vanished into the mist.

I feel as if this could easily have been shortened into even a sentence. I don't deny the imagery is well-done, but it loses a lot of power when every scene/action is written so dramatically. I remember there was a single spell that merited an entire paragraph of descriptor.

 

Thank you so much for the warm welcome and the thoughtful message. I really appreciate you taking the time to drop by and say this.

The story is indeed almost done. This part of the arc will be fully wrapped up by the 13th of July at the latest. Once it's complete, I would absolutely love to hear people’s thoughts and feedback, and I’d be honoured for the story to even be considered for inclusion in the Library, provided it can hold its own and pass muster.

Thank you again for the encouragement. The DLP community has such a strong reputation for valuing quality storytelling, and I’m genuinely overjoyed that someone from that space has taken the time to say this. I’m really looking forward to hearing your thoughts once you’ve had the chance to read.

Thank you for reading and taking the time to share your thoughts. I really do appreciate it.

You’re absolutely right that some scenes stretch a little long. I’ve tried to be deliberate with pacing and emotional depth, especially early on, but I understand that it may sometimes feel like things are meandering. Since this is a character-driven story, I’ve spent time diving deep into the setup so readers can fully understand where each character is coming from and what drives them. The penultimate draft was much shorter, but it felt more like a summary of canon. I wanted to reintroduce the characters properly, so that even someone unfamiliar with the original series (highly unlikely, I know) could follow along and connect with them.

Still, I genuinely value the critique. It is helping me see what’s working and where I can tighten things going forward. Thank you again for taking the time to read and reflect. It means a lot.

Thank you for taking the time to read and share such detailed feedback. I truly appreciate the honesty and your perspective.

That said, I respectfully see it a bit differently. I understand your point about length and stylisation, and I agree that prose should serve the story. But for me, scenes like the one you quoted are meant to do more than just move the plot forward.

Spoiler

Peter Pettigrew was hiding in the bushes opposite the cottage. When he saw Dumbledore, fear gripped him and he ran to warn his master.

That version certainly gets the plot across. My aim here isn’t just to tick off plot beats. It’s to live inside those moments, to show not just what’s happening, but what it feels like to the characters involved. He isn’t just a plot device moving across a chessboard - he’s a man shaped by fear, cowardice, and desperation. That scene is trying to immerse the reader in his fear, his twitchiness, to make you feel what he feels. The prose slows down intentionally there, not because the plot demands it, but because the character does.

It may sound selfish why I wrote it the way I did. As I’ve said earlier, the penultimate draft of this story was actually much shorter. I thought it was fine. But when I handed it to my partner to read, someone who knows the basics of Harry Potter but hasn’t gone deep into the lore (her excuse is she's seen the films once), she kept pausing to ask, Who is this? Why does he matter? Why is he like this? And I realised then that if a reader who isn’t already deeply familiar with canon were to pick this up (however unlikely that might be in fanfiction), I need to ground the characters. Show who they are, what they look like, what drives them. Let them be more than names on a page.

That same approach runs through much of this first arc. It’s deliberately character-driven, which slows the pace, yes, but it’s also laying the foundation for what’s coming. There is a larger narrative arc in motion, and it’s building toward something I hope feels earned once it lands.

Still, I take your point about balance. I’ll continue trying to tighten the writing where possible and keep emotional depth without slipping into indulgence.

Thanks again for reading and sharing your thoughts. I genuinely appreciate readers who care enough to share what worked for them and what didn’t.

 

This is probably the best HP fanfic that is being frequently updated along with Shadow of the Rainbow. Great job and please keep going.​

 

Update: A Name in the Ashes — Now Complete | AO3 Link | Reflections + Request

Esteemed forum members,

I’m pleased to share that A Name in the Ashes is now complete. The final arc has been posted, bringing this chapter of the story to a close. For those who prefer alternate formats, the full work is also available on AO3:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/67399473/chapters/174149233

The second instalment is currently in the works.

I’d like to extend a sincere invitation for feedback, whether brief impressions or in-depth analysis. This forum has long held a reputation for its discerning readership and critical insight, and any reflections, suggestions, or critiques would be genuinely appreciated. I read everything shared with care and curiosity.

On a more personal note, one thing this project has taught me, and which a few kind readers have also pointed out, is the delicate art of balancing character exploration with narrative propulsion. I’ve always been fascinated by the intricacies of the human mind, and that often draws my writing toward introspection, atmosphere, and emotional texture. But clarity of plot, and the engine that drives a story forward, is equally vital. With the upcoming sequel, I intend to strive more consciously for that equilibrium, as achieved by writers far more skilled than myself.

If, after reading, you feel this work might be worthy of consideration for the DLP Library, I would be honoured. Recognition by a community known for its critical standards would mean a great deal.

Lastly, and forgive the rather amateur question, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to update this thread’s tag from WIP to Complete. If someone could kindly direct me, I would be very grateful.

Thank you again for reading, and for welcoming this story into the fold.

 

Congratulations for finishing a book! You've entered an esteemed realm of authors.

Now, for my critique:
An interesting premise, and you conveyed the confusion of the characters well for your halloween massacre. You've sown many seeds with who lived and died in this version, and I am quite curious how some of those unexpected survivors will impact the story moving forward.

Your internal monologues are lovingly crafted, and you have a clear passion for the internal world of your characters. This can edge toward self-indulgent, but hell, its fanfiction, indulge yourself.

Your characters are beleivable, and you made Sirius's thoughts and actions match up well with his depression. The orphanage staff are absolutely perfect. They are a great reflection of the holding pattern that you have turned the orphanage into, a mirror of a mirror. We see in them what the characters see, a disciplinarian, a helpful expat, a overstretched leader. And yet we never see inside their minds like we do everyone else.

On the other hand

Your tendency to give everyone an internal monologue, especially in your begining chapters, slows the story to a crawl. When i am begging voldermort to just kill her already to get the story going, the text has grown too long. You picked this up significantly once

Spoiler

sirius got out of prison,

but I would argue that was a feature of your focus narrowing. whereas before it was everyone with a name, finally it was only a few characters. I would really try narrowing it to 2-3. Harry and Sirius are well set up for this. Some of your dramatic tension was lost when we got to see inside the mind of the other interlocuqueter, especially with sirius and remus.

Spoiler

We know Remus beleived Sirius based on the interaction with Dumbledore, but we are reading how sirius is feeling anxious if Remus beleived him. You have already shown sirius was anxious already, and we know the result. This goes past self-indulgence into emotional voyeurism. Where we know someone's fears are unfounded, we lose sympathy for them if they go on about it. Losing sympathy for your protagonist is not recommended.
You did a much better job with this when Remus vanished with Kingsley's watching. That had tension, that got me intrigued and anxious for Sirius.

On your internal worlds, I admit i was disappointed with your use of legilimancy,

Spoiler

with Voldermort's use. This would be an area i would expect your crafting to vault to new heights, to build mental manors and perspective palaces where the legilimens could get lost literally in your own literary style. My hope is that this was voldemort just blasting through and that when we get more of this with snape, dumbledore, and others, that we get some truly beautiful worlds.

I liked it, and I will read the next one.
Strengths: Character consistency, deep introspection, good premise
Weakness: overwrought introspection, too many perspecives, slow pacing.
3.5/5, rounding up for actually completing the story.

 

re. Legilimency

I don't know how you can reconcile hiding your thoughts with big manors or traps or whatever and someone not realizing you're hiding something, or at the very least capable of hiding something. In canon, it's just clearing your thoughts so there's nothing, no happiness, no anger, no sadness for a legilimens to follow and they'd just see random (real or false) memories? that aren't necessarily important, is it not?

If someone like Voldemort used legilimency and it was obvious that occlumency was being used, I do believe he would be unhappy and employ violence. A lot of it. It would rather defeat the purpose of the entire discipline. If it's just some shield, the attacking legilimens would know, would he not, and realize that something is hidden.

It might just be a difference between using the spell without a wand or not. The Dark Lord could tell lies from truth after all.

 

This was a nice story. Short and to the point, I wished it involved more magic, that it had more Harry with Sirius and Remus, but given that this is a setup for future books/chapters, it's quite alright.

Looking forward to seeing more from the author.

5/5

 

The sequel is up today, https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14499949/1/A-Name-Reclaimed

7 chapters posted straight up

 

7 chapters to the dome is certainly the way to do it IMO. Feels like fic meta is to release chapters once a week for…. some reason? Not sure the science shows it actually attracts readers.

Anyways, is the first chapter not one of those things that’s really cool to write (and read if you jive with the author’s style) but should get slaughtered in an edit pass? It’s full of stylish writing and emotional scene setting, but nothing actually happens until the last 5 paragraphs when Voldemort descends on a wizard. Also love the “more Harry” vibe of AN/descriptions straight into a full chapter where he doesn’t feature.

I liked the first story and will definitely continue reading, especially if the dumps continue at 7 chapters/per.

 

I like the story and overall I'll rate it 4/5, but there's an issue I had with the writing that started bothering me. Again, keep in mind I'm rating it a 4/5 anyway, but I think you should keep an eye on this.

You overuse metaphors. There's way too many "X like Y" sentences in there, and many of them don't make much sense. Ideally, if you're doing this, the Y should explain the X or call to mind a picture that gives me an idea of X. This is not really happening with your work.

Take Chapter 3. There's around 20 "X like Y"s in there. One of them is:

The fury is like a breaking bone - that seems to imply it's weak? What does it mean for fury to 'snap'?

Another:

Do closing wings go past each other mid air? I'm no ornithologist, but I doubt it.

What would that motion look like? Is his wand going up and down with his breath? Or did he rise it in time with his breath?

Or in the next chapter (Chapter 4):

Is that what death on velvet is like? What IS death on velvet?

Or take in Chapter 5:

A dying ghost? Is it customary for those to cling to ceilings?

Later on Dumbledore's eyes are described as being "like moonlight behind ancient glass" (what?) The steam from Remus' cup is like "ghost-breath". The air shifts like "breath drawn through old stone".

So, most of these metaphors actually work to confuse instead of illuminate the reader. When you're tempted to write X like Y, I'd recommend thinking about whether Y actually is like X in any way. Two blue jets of light can just cross mid-air, they don't have to be like anything. And Voldemort can raise his wand slowly, it doesn't have anything to do with his breath. Dumbledore's eyes can twinkle or seem wise or whatever, they don't need to be moonlight.

Still, despite these points being negative, I really enjoyed your story and hope you keep going with the second one. 4/5 for me.

 

I'd echo that I am also greatly enjoying the story and any criticism I have isn't a whole reflection of said enjoyment, just minor issues I have.

For my enjoyment the flowery prose is a problem, it's a bit over the top. For me it needs to be toned down a few notches. It is only exasperated by the authors notes, sorry to the author but I stopped reading them, it feels like I'm at a recital reading those and not in a good way. To be fair that's not really relevant to the review of the story, but it is included as something to read so something to take note of because in the past authors notes have affected my enjoyment of a story, sometimes on rare occasions making me even drop a story. Not with this one because it's just stylistically I am not enjoying the notes but I am enjoying the story a lot so I can ignore the ANs, but for the author take note a simple thing like authors notes can affect enjoyment of a story, at least for me.

Maybe I need to put those thoughts about authors notes into the Pet Peeves thread instead but it is relevant here so I'll leave it.

All that being said Pensieve Pundit clearly has a preferred style and it's working for them so I hope they keep it up even if sometimes I metaphorically shake my head at some descriptors and go 'Just why?' or more importantly 'Let's just get on with the story.'

Harry is a bit too mature for his age but I am perfectly fine with that as I would rather read that than the other way around.

Other than that I am still holding out on an overall verdict for when we actually get into the meat of the story which brings me to my main concern for the series as a whole. That first book was basically one long adoption arc that was roughly 80k words, which was longer than the first official Harry Potter book yet covered nowhere near as much. The second book so far, which I am only guessing is going to cover the first year or potentially only the the lead up to Harrys first year, is already at 27k words and we are not at Hogwarts yet. So over 100k+ words so far for a glorified prologue. At this rate, depending on the authors plan but assuming it's going to go through all of Hogwarts years into Voldemorts defeat, this is going to be one very long series at the current pace which historically rarely if ever gets completed in fanfiction. The author is off to a flyer of a start though as far as releasing content goes.

For now I am happy to be along for the ride and keen to see what happens. I am enjoying the second book more than the first already and the first was a good start, and I am enjoying a lot of the interactions outside of the main trio so far. I see a lot of potential in this author if they can just reign in their prose a little bit, keep the story moving and keep an eye on their word count.