Quick question Shezza,

Where does the timescale fit in relation to the Potterverse? Having read the Dresden Files up to Book 9 the Carpenters are certainly a few years along from where they were in the books.

Other than that this story is brilliant. I do not think that the first few chapters were slow. It's a good set up, the Dresden Files always reiterates what occurred previously.

Regards

Steve

 

I agree. Harry's won quite a few fights lately and a loss would destroy his ego (in a good way).

I found it strange that Voldemort aligned himself with Red Court Vampires. Other then Harry killing a couple of vampires in a past chapter, the Red Court doesn't have much reason to kill him. The vampires and the White Council are at war, and wasting twenty or so vampires on a person like Harry seems like a waste to me. I would've liked it better if Voldemort came with a couple of Denarians. Voldemort has an alliance with Vesper, who hates Meciel and has quite a few Denarian followers.

 

I'm going to disagree with you there... Rita Skeeter alone would love that kind of story, though I'm forgetting what her attitude was towards Harry in the tournament. Too lazy to look it up.

Either way... she flip flops depending on the juicyness to be had. With the ministry controlling the papers at this moment, Fudge would probably salivate at the idea of discredditing the missing "hero".

You forget that Dumbledore only needed a few minutes to find out what a Denarian is... this wasn't some exhaustive search either. I'm sure the ministry could find it out with their resources...

If nothing else, it's good filler and easily resolved with his handy dandy sword...

"Who would believe a Knight of the Cross could be a denarian..."

 

Agreed. Confidence is one thing. Arrogance is another.

Harry knows his strengths, but he's not really spent any time to deal with his weaknesses.

 

Actually the Dresdenverse does have a traditional hell and the Denarians were once denizens of it. According to Dresdenverse canon(it was a post by Jim Butcher on his forums that said this) they were the elite of hell and the Devil kicked them out because he was afraid that they would betray him.

Now that I think of it - I have to agree that Voldemort's power has to be shown. He is the most powerful(or second most powerful or equal to Dumbledore... anyway) wizard in the world and so far he just doesn't seem as powerful as he should be.

 

I agree. If the main bad guy in this story is going to be Voldemort, Shezza needs to make him convincing. He can't be half-assed or the entire story will be like "how long until Harry gets off his lazy butt and deals with the bad guys?"

Somehow, I think the antagonist won't be Voldemort though.

 

I read the zombified behavior as an indicator that they weren't exactly volunteers.

I would also like to see Voldemort re-establish some of his badass credentials.

 

I liked the explanation for the curse. Didn't make it seem like it was something anyone could do. Meciel cursed the coin when Vesper was least expecting it, and she said that she used several sources of power that aren't available to her anymore. Good explanation I thought.

 

I say Dumbledore informed Snape where Harry can be found and he, like a good dog he is, did run to his other master with info.

Edit: Edited out retardness. Dumbdork, seriously...

- Dark Syaoran

 

Shouldn't the title of the thread be CH7 - Denarian Knight?

 

This does a great job of showing that while Harry<Voldemort and Meciel>Voldemort, Harry+Meciel can handle him. Not well, but still distractingly.

 

Scent

Sources

Eyes

any, broken

Now this is simply a subjective point, but I would prefer "to escape". Nothing wrong, though.

full

scent

And, last but not least, something about the content:

He wants to remove all traces of saliva, yet leaves the cutlery as it is (as noticed when he tries to turn a dirty fork into a portkey). Maybe he should destroy that as well and use something else for a portkey.


Whoa, didn't even notice the second part there. Your speed still surprises

Lose both words

Priori Incantatem ?

Now tenses were never my strong suit, but I'd say "was glowing" would be the correct one here.

Radiated, either detect or feel

Was that meant to be? Sound shattering light?

Quite a feet.

air

Flash, a burst

A tad repetitive, maybe replace one hallway with corridor.

Sounds strange. "Once been" or "just been" make sense on their own.

Crevices

Slashing, imo

and

have

 

The speed is inhumane again. I really liked the description and imagery of the duel. Also I second those above who praised Voldemort. He did not become the most feared Dark Lord of the century by just torturing Wormtail every second chapter.

Voldemort's arrogance in dealing with Vesper and his disdain for the Red Court vampires captured his character very well.

In conclusion, a great second part, and I await the return to the prologue timeline.

 

Fight was rather good.

I liked interaction between bad guys.

BTW: What's up with names showing contempt for character? If I remember it correctly Dumbledore was given this insulting name by Malfloy in one of the books. Second?

(It may be not canon, I'm not sure after so many fanfics)

 

I agree with those above that Voldemort was great. Easily the best written Voldemort in the past few months, at least that I have read.

 

Why is it that all those more skilled and experienced than Harry are also so much faster? I mean Dumbledore had faster reflexes than Harry in that one renegade chapter and here Voldemort is faster too.

I always thought that people slow down as they get older. With Meciel boosting Harry's reaction time there should be no way for Voldemort or even Dumbledore for that matter to be faster than Harry. This may not be all that important but to me it would seem better if Voldemorts true advantage was far superiour skill and experience rather than raw power or raw speed. And for the most part this was true in this chapter except for the beginning.

Speaking of skill, I got the impression that your Voldemort was far superiour in skill to the canon book version. Taking his hands off the wand during the priori incantatem for instance was something I would not have thought Voldemort capable off since he obviously did not do it in the canon books.

I do however think that its great that you are showing Voldemort as really tough and skilled and capable of doing things normal people cannot. Makes him a lot more credible threat to Harry and justifies the way people fear him more than the book Voldemort did in my opinion. Though he is still Voldemort with all the faults such as foolish arrogance which is shown at the end when it is revealed that he was supposed to wait for Vesper and did not. Great stuff!

There was a minor nitpick that I noticed. You wrote that "It was only because Voldemort had a limited control over his wand that Harry was able to break the connection". All well and good except that in chapter 36 of Renegade Harry actually DID break the connection while Voldemort was still fully focused. And he seemed to do it without any huge effort too.

Also I wonder why Harry did not try to cast "Avada Kedavra". I mean is that not the strongest spell he knows and also very hard to block. He casts that during the whole Vampire attack so we know he can do it at will these days. Given the way that spell has been described I doubt even Voldemort could have just shrugged it off the way he did Harrys other spells.

Oh and to Sree:

Who would believe? The magical world. The same people who blindly believe everything else thats printed on the paper. I mean like QuaziJoe said, Dumbledore seemed to know what Denarians are and actually had a book describing them in his office. I am sure if Voldemort informed Fudge, he would atleast have the matter researched and if nothing else it would give him justification to try and have Harry arrested or something.

Now I have no problem with Harry and Dumbledore somehow dismissing the allegations. Maybe by saying that a Denarian could not be a knight like QuaziJoe suggested or faking some evidence or whatever. However for Voldemort to not even try seems pretty foolish in my opinion. This fact should be addressed.

 

Magic!

Fanfiction!