ughh MollyWobbles indeed. Nah she was going to give Harry money and felt bad because she knows she doesn't have. Anyways I personally didn't mind the dialogue and I thought in this instance it was necessary, though I would have liked a bit more of Harry's input on Grimmauld Place, what with all the dark arts stuff there.

Good stuff though.

 

<snip all the Mollywobbles innuendo; I've got my fingers in my ears, lalalalalala, I can't hear you!>

Except that Grimmauld Place is not a hidden treasure trove of Dark Arts Artifacts. Dumbledore and the Order had several months to clear out any really nasty things that may have been left behind. The books in the library (which if I remember was sealed off from the kids) are about it, and ten years of neglect probably ruined most of them. If I recall, other than the Locket Horcrux (which no one could tell held a piece of the soul of the Darkest Wizard in a Millennium, lawlz) they found a bunch of magical pests (doxies and a bogart) and 2 cursed items: one (can't remember what it was) covered one of the twins' hand in wartcap and the other was a music box that put everyone in a trance (until the Super Girlfriend saved them all by closing the lid, moar lawlz).

 

Doesn't Kreacher have a storage bin of shit saved up though, and while I would not necessarily like to see a cliche "ZOMG UBER DARK ARTS STUFF AT THE BLACK HOUSE", a bit of curiosity as to where he is would be nice. Perhaps some interaction with Mrs.Black? I think she and Harry would get along.

 

Shit is the operative word here. To quote Sirius: "I caught him snogging an old pair of my Dad's trousers." Most of Kreacher's crap are photos and bric-a-brac.

By all means though, if Shezza doesn't include it, someone should write a Harry meets Mrs. Black Omake.

 

I have no idea what that was supposed to be.

That should be a 'now', I think.

'And as she reached Harry' is rather awkward. 'As she reached for Harry' for instance, might be a better choice.
And there are two 'blazing warmth's. The latter 'with its blazing warmth.' could be deleted.

I think I missed a few, though. Surprisingly few mistakes for something written with your eyes closed, although, knowing you, you could write a bestseller without hands.

 

I have no idea what that was supposed to be.

That should be a 'now', I think.

'And as she reached Harry' is rather awkward. 'As she reached for Harry' for instance, might be a better choice.
And there are two 'blazing warmth's. The latter 'with its blazing warmth.' could be deleted.

I think I missed a few, though. Surprisingly few mistakes for something written with your eyes closed, although, knowing you, you could write a bestseller without hands.

 

Yay new chapter and its brilliant. Wouldn't mind if the action sped up a little bit but its still top grade work.

 

Just read it on ff.net then came back to see it here... and I too, like the flow of this chapter, and it certainly does have several amusing parts, with the "babies are evil" comment, and I admit that 'Mollywobbles', as you call her, scene was surprisingly well done as well.(No sexual favors, NO!)

 

It is better to savour these things. Action can wait. There's still so much awesome left to be mined from this fic.

 

Like Chimme's said

If the story had more action it would be shorter and not has interesting because the character developement is excellent.

 

Do you mean "present even in death"

Lawl, immaturity ftw.

The thing I really like about this story, that I didn't really realize until I read the Dresden Files was that Harry really is just another host. That's what the fallen angels do, as shown by Lasciel. Albeit a very powerful one. Makes it a lot more interesting and intriguing then just "Harry gets a coin that gives him super powerz"

We've seen what Denarians can do, so should Meciel want to [ut on a rape show...

In any case, nice job.

 

I really loved Harry in this chapter. The way he took out the portrait with fiendfyre was both cool and fun. I also enjoyed all the other comments of his during the dinner.

I will say however that the end where Dumbledore kicks him out did feel a bit off to me. I mean I know he is not officially a member of the order but he does play an important role in the struggle against Voldemort&Vesper and may know something that could be important. Dumbledore's decision to kick him out simply because he is not a member of the "club" seemed a bit petty to be honest.

As for Dumbledores claim that Harry is witholding information, thats pretty hypocritical considering that Dumbledore has not revealed to Harry perhaps the most important bit of information there is: The prophecy.

In any event I greatly enjoyed this chapter. More More!

EDIT:Something else occurred to me. Why is it that no one comments on Harrys use of fiendfyre? I mean you did say that when the fiendfyre consumed the spells on the portrait the entire house rocked. Why is it that no one rushed out to see if they were under attack or commented on it during the dinner or something?

 

I dunno, I think it fits more for Harry to be cast out. Harry shouldn't be allowed to order meetings. Even if the excuse DD provides is full of shit, it fits perfectly with his character.

 

Y'know, I feel like a bit of a hypocrite for not saying it earlier, but ...

Standard font, bitch!

 

Hah that was great and you have to love Harry's approach to a situation "When in doubt blow it up"

Im pretty sure that this needs an "I'm" between afraid and going

Thats all the mistakes I caught. Anways great job and Im wondering how Tonks is going to take it when she finds out the guy who beat her ass was sitting a few seats down from her at Christmas Dinner.

 

Shezza, here is a lil tip

 

'realised he was hungry'

That works, but might I recommend: 'been permanently etched into it in death'

'thank you'

The comma between 'kitchen' and 'and' is unnecessary. Also, Harry's first line is where he talks about the smell of the food. He had already noticed it, so at this point, saying he 'finally noticed' it is a bit odd.

Unless Meciel is giving Harry the ability to tell when fabric is about to start fading, this should probably read, 'almost completely faded' or 'heavily/badly faded'

'For a moment, Harry thought it was a window but then he realised it was a portrait; the occupant being an old, and very ugly, lady, who was in the process of yelling and screaming. The yellowing skin at the corners of her eyes tightened, her narrow, spiteful face fixed in an expression of derision and hatred.'

'umbrella stand nearby toppled over.'

'woman'

Should begin and end with " not '.

Watch the quotation marks. Also, 'women' should be 'woman'.

Should really be 'you'd' or 'you had' but we can attribute this to Harry's speech. And lol, centaur shit.

This room is literally filled to the brim with women. THEY ARE EVERYWHERE! And you know what? They've caused a fire code violation. This room has exceeded its maximum occupancy. I really hope you're happy.

WUT? I had Trelawney look in her tea leaves and she think that 'one' was supposed to be 'was', in which case I'd also recommend putting an 'and' before 'a wizard'.

'his'

Again, really? How many cranky old bitches ARE there in that room? I'll give you a hint: there are 479 ovaries in the room. I know what you're thinking, 'Shouldn't that be an even number?' Well, one of the women lost an ovary when she was pressed against an ornamental sword in the crush of bodies. She's a survivor though, and we're all praying for her swift recovery.

'in the air' Just because...

Even with the hundreds of women populating this room, this scene is too manly for any pansy-arsed swishing. How about replacing 'swished' with 'gestured with', 'swiped', 'whipped' or something?

Just to make it extra clear for the slow and/or easily confused among us, how about making this to 'threw the fiery bird at the portrait' or something? I've already seen a number of people, some on this board, who despite reading DH, didn't know what FiendFyre was. Spelling out what Harry is doing here helps for those people, and the ones who didn't read DH (and those slow people...).

'feet'

Oh My God. Soooo many women. 12 Grimmauld Place is like the fucking Bat Cave now; who DOESN'T know where it is? Thanks a lump, Dumbledore, you chatty old fuck. Ever hear the phrase, 'Loose lips sink ships', Mr. Secret Keeper? You and Alfred should get together and gossip over tea and biscuits.

Whew! On with the show...

'attempting' I'd attempt to leave too if there were that many cranky old hags in my portrait. Hundreds I tells ya!

This a British thing, because I've always seen it as 'full blown' or 'full-blown'?

'took in the size'

Lulz. This should be 'venereal', right? Because with all of those women he's let in to HQ, he has to have picked up a dose of the 'magical clap' from at least one of them...

'awe on their'

I'm going to nitpick and say this should be 'seat at Dumbledore's right', just to impress all the women.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say this should be 'still full and that the'

'feeling'

A nitpick, perhaps, but muttering is more of an angry thing, 'mumbling', however, would more appropriately convey embarrassment.

Unless Harry is turned on by little men, this should be 'excitable'

'most who were chatting' doesn't agree/make sense with 'the entire table'.
'After a moment of surveying those assembled at the table, most of whom were chatting to each other while glancing over at Harry'

'Mr. Potter' amirite?

'redheaded'

'Dumbledore said, chastising, although'

I'll admit, I don't know what he said but I know there was a 'fuck' in there somewhere.

Dear readers, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings but I can think of no other way to say this. Grimmauld Place was so heavily laden with women that it, along with the rest of England, sank into the ocean. There were no survivors (other than a duck named Bruce, a mad cow named Sophie and a labor party member who owned a rather exceptional rowboat). Thus, out of necessity, this story has been canceled. Thank you for reading. As all the bodies are now at the bottom of a new deep-sea trench, there will be no funeral. However, memorial services will be held Monday afternoon.

I think you could drop this comma... maybe...

Drop the apostrophe, 'aurors' shouldn't be possessive.

'I'm afraid I'm going'

This is a little tricky but... Voldemort isn't in power, so there can't be a rebellion against him. A resistance against him, maybe. A coalition, perhaps? A movement... I dunno...

'to'

*snort* I know what this means, but it's still amusing. For extra clarity, 'gentle' or 'quiet' could replace 'soft'.

Just out of curiosity, did you have Dumbledore forget to say 'Happy Christmas' here or is he merely making a concession to Harry's, primarily American, 'upbringing'?

There has been a lot of muttering in this chapter. May I recommend some grumbling as an alternative?

-----

AhHaHaHaHaHa!

 

I liked it... The only part that bothered me was when Dumbledore kicked Harry out. I mean, I expected him to do that, but, like somebody said earlier, it just felt off. Other then that, good job.

 

Warlocke...I am in stitches....alas, all my beloved characters are dead, died by an house overladen with women.

As for the font, I'll change it before I copy and paste but I much prefer writing in Sylfaen than Arial, I dunno why. I don't use the button to revert everything back to normal because it gets rid of italics and bold as well, and it's a pain in the arse to go through and correct them

As for the Dumbledore thing, I'll elaborate on it a little.
Cheers for the reviews

 

Dammit Warlocke, I saw how long the page was and I thought 'Sweet two parts of the chapter' but I get down here and what is it? One of your spellchecks that is longer then the actual chapter.

EDIT: Thank you Shezza you killed the picture from Hell.