Session Start: Tue Jan 15 10:31:02 2008

[14:31] <FB> Btw, are you going to incorporate that omake into the story, or has it been slashed off?
[14:31] <Shezza> FB: probably not


Sorry about taking my time, Log is quite big XD

 

Should be plural, not possessive; drop the apostrophe. 'more' should probably be dropped too. 'More sweeter' just doesn't sound kosher.

Should this be capitalized? I'm not exactly religious myself, or I'd probably know the answer.

You need to use the subjunctive verb 'were' because Harry's being warm is a hypothetical/nonexistent condition. (Did I get that right? This is all shit I taught myself after I was out of school.)

If that situation was the same as this one (her making him feel warm despite actually being cold) then wouldn't his fingers have been frostbitten, rather than scalded? Or was it the same neural manipulation, only in the opposite direction (him being too hot and her making him feel cool), because without further information, the natural assumption is that it was the same as this time.

Either way, I think I'd dump the comma after 'fingers' and replace it with a semicolon. Then again, I think I'm guilty of overusing semicolons.

Ah, who needs neural adjusting to feel warm when you have such fond memories?

'home'

"It's just all the aluminum foil I'm wearing to try and seal in my body heat, Meciel."

I try to avoid strings of 'as', since it tends to sound a bit weird.
As an alternative: 'But his eyes remained narrowed as he watched one of the older kids shove the smaller child into the snow, his two friends giving loud hoots of laughter.'

Now if it feels as if you need another 'as', like there's an 'as' missing, that's what we call an 'as hole'. If you feel that your 'as hole' being empty makes you uncomfortable, you could try putting something in your 'as hole', but I'm hardly an expert on such matters and leave it to you to decide how you want to handle it. Likewise, if you notice someone else's 'as hole', you may offer up a suggestion as to what they can stick in it.

'than'

He was already ignoring her, so unless more dialog from Meciel is inserted for Harry to ignore, I'd change it to 'and he continued to ignore Meciel as he'

Say this line out loud and see if it doesn't sound like Harry is suffering from some even weirder form of echolalia. I'd change the 'eh?' to 'huh?' or 'aren't you?'

'The boy frowned, clearly mulling over what Harry said, straining to understand it.' I'm all about the flow and separating 'mulling' and 'over' stymies that flow, IMO.

I'd blink too if I had all that grain in my eyes. You've just stumbled upon one of my pet peeves. 'barely'

There should be an 'it' between 'feel' and 'thirty' and the quotation mark between 'ask' and 'what' needs moved next to 'what', rather than 'ask'.

'fist' Also, I'd change the 'in' to 'into' just because all the cool kids are doing it.

Or is it 'two thumbs-up' ? Or would that be 'two thumbs-ups' ?? Or just 'two thumbs up' ??? Damn... I should have slept last night instead of staying up reading.

Either add a 'was' after 'and' or just drop the 'and' and put a comma after 'pockets'.

You have a quotation mark on the loose. Tighten up those ranks, soldier!

Need what? Because, taken at face value, it looks like 'need it' is referring to 'are just alone' and we know that's not what you're shooting for. One can desperately equate 'it' with 'Meciel' from the previous line of dialog, for lack of anything else, in order to force this sentence to jibe, but it just doesn't work that way.

'No matter how much they need... companionship? a friend? (a)family? help? a guardian? an ally?, some people are just alone.'

---

You've been spoiled by all those fight scenes, wimp. Character development is important too.

 

Reflective works, but it's bugging me. I think introspective would be a better word here.

 

Eh is a Canadian word that you put at the end or near the end of a question that you already know the answer to. So shezza's wordage was correct on that, eh? Even got the grammar correct, eh?

 

Canadian, in other words, wrong.

(British English > * English)

 

Actually, a lot of people use 'eh' in that sense in Britain.

It just so happens to be a Canadian stereotype.

 

You say that as if it's a bad thing.

 

Ok its only a stereotype if its used wrong.

and the Britain thing probably a result of the British settler flocking to Canada when it opened for immigration,

 

I know that (though Canadians have hardly cornered the market on the sound 'eh') but this is not about being incorrect (and I never said he was) so much as it's about the way it sounds.

Not everything I list is an outright error, sometimes it's just stuff that is technically correct but may not sound its best in a particular context or situation. Harry is trying to intimidate a bully but the repetition of the long 'A' sound makes what he says sound a little silly. Like he's trying to make a joke that falls flat, compared to the funny but scathing insults he's already dished out. It's not a huge problem, but I thought I'd address it anyway.

Many people may not even hear anything strange about it, but for me it stood out, probably because I'm an obsessive compulsive tight-ass.

"I guess you're exhibit C on that debate, see?" <- Exactly what I'm talking about. Grammatically correct? Yes, but...

EDIT: Oh, and I agree with Chime?? on the reflective/introspective thing.

 

I haven't posted in ages.


Anyway.


I'd like to suggest Denarian Throne for a possible sequel title; I just wanted to throw my two cents in.

And Shezza, nice stuff. Again. For the millionth time.

 

Pics or it didn't happen.

 

Harry/Meciel 4eva! Now that I have got over my retarded moment, I have to say I enjoyed this chapter far more than the previous ones. It might be the Meciel business, but it also has a light-hearted tone, filled with dark undertones that I like.

Looking forward to the DA and Meciel.

Pics would be nice as well.

 

I formally demand that Harry murder Umbridge and her Inbredatorial Squad when they come to break up the DA meeting.

 

No. Not murder. Just set them on fire. Fiendfyre. By accident .

 

I fully agree

 

Brilliant chapter, the humor was great (the rest too, mind you, but I really liked the humor).

Hope to see the next part soon, with some pics, if possible...

 

Brilliant!

I would've liked a little bit more of the Harry/Meciel interaction in his mind before they were interrupted by Amanda though. Their conversation got cut off early and I find myself wanting to know what they were going to say...

Now that Amanda is back from the holidays, she should be in the know about Harry's "thing" with her family. Will she show any signs of this? Or did her family keep it from her?

Also, naked!Meciel ftw. You better show that scene rather than just telling it, or I'll...do something very bad. You don't want to know what.

Looking forward to the scene in which Harry teaches the DA. It promises both much lulz and much coolness.

 

Excellent.

Harry is a smart ass, jackass, and all other sorts of donkeys rolled into one.

 

Great chapter as always Shezza. I eagerly await the next installment.

And yes, you describe naked!Meciel. In detail.