If the building is under the Fidelius and Harry managed to find his way back after leaving, then he had to have already known the name of where he was staying. Er, it is under the Fidelius, right?

If they are the inner planes of his mind, is it not, perhaps, redundant to say his mind drifted inwards?

As an aside, I would just like to say that you can refer to Hogwarts as something other than Hogwarts (like 'the school') every once in a while and I promise we won't assume you meant the Salem Witches' Institute or Ridgemont High.

I'd drop the 'if', especially since she did just add.

I would venture to say, 'worst'

Just to avoid the close repetition of 'put' I'd change the first one. 'she had placed there to put him at ease'

Amanda seems to annoy Meciel far more than the average person. Is it because she's a Knight's daughter, or because she sets off a territorial response in Meciel for some reason? Hehe.

I'm at a loss.

An admitted nitpick, but I'd change 'to' to 'on'. Presumably he's already looking at her, he's just not focused on her (until he refocuses).

Nitpick: I'd change 'it' to 'that'... or not.

I'm not quite sure what to say about this...

'from'

'our'

'from'

Their gaze may have shot towards the entrance, but their heads? Ouch.

'Harry’s head, as well as those of most other students', jerked towards the entrance'

I'm not sure this qualifies as a sentence. In addition to that, Umbridge goes from having a wide smile to having a look of disapproval on her face with zero transition.

'Behind her, Professor Umbridge was watching with a wide smile on her slack face. She schooled her expression into one of mild disapproval and tutted loudly.'

Technically 'simperingly' is not a word.

'string of red'

'on to' It's a subtle difference but a difference nonetheless. Typing "onto vs on to" in google might net some results.

'took'

'hatred'

As opposed to holding it with her labia, which is a trick she only does when she's really, really, drunk...
'in her hand'

I've done this myself, but starting a sentence with 'but' is generally frowned upon and, in this case, makes the sentence feel flat. Either way, 'rose' should be 'risen'.

'Dumbledore, however, had risen to his feet, his own wand in hand-'

typically things collide 'with'.

These should really be split into two sentences at the 'and'.

'about your being'

Hehe. Nice... but I think that Wicked-Witch-of-The-West should be capitalized.

'Harry gave a barking laugh' or 'Harry dissolved/broke into barking laughter', et cetera.

Why do I feel like Meciel did this, suspecting from the start that she'd lose, just so she could thoroughly distract Harry from other people without letting him think she'd do such a thing voluntarily? Then again, I'm probably reading too deeply into Meciel's antics. Mortal women's motives are hard enough to decipher.

As a general tip, I'd avoid trying to pack too much into a single sentence. Nobody wants so many tiny little sentences that their writing is stilted, sure, but you really try to cram a lot into your sentences.

I'd add something here about not linking independent clauses with a comma and such, but I don't really know what I'm talking about. :mrgreen:

 

There was in DH something about being able to see a building hidden under Fidelius once you were inside or sth like that

 

But I believe this only happened in the specific situation where the original Secret Keeper had died (ie, Dumbledore).

In any case, excellent work! This portion was really entertaining to read. It did seem the scene with Harry/Meciel was cut a bit short, though. Felt sorta awkward. But overall, a very fun read.

 

I liked the interactions between Harry, Amanda and Meciel here. They were very funny while still being good character development. I also liked how your Dumbledore continues to be so cool with the way he reacted to Amanda's wig comment. Unlike McGonagall and others, he actually seems to have a sense of humor.

I see that Harry is going to join the DA. I wonder if you intend to have Umbridge capture Harry in the next chapter or will Harry become a regular DA member for a while. It has been a while so I cannot remember when the bust happened in canon. Are we close? In either case, I look forward to seeing Harry "teaching" the DA.

Speaking of this however, how is Umbridge going to capture Harry when the time finally comes. I mean since Meciel can conjure up such detailed illusions so quickly. Should be easy enough for Harry to change his appearance to match someone else or become entirely invisible. No way Umbridge could see through something like that.

I brought that up since you did say that you would get rid of Dumbledore and I cannot see him confessing if Harry is not threatened. Unless ofcourse you have something planned that is totally unlike anything in canon.

Anyway! More! MORE!

 

'The barbed head 'was' torn out of her' or something, I guess.
Nice chapter, although I should think Harry would think that teaching the DA would be more of a con than seeing Meciel naked a pro. But, teenagers... well.

 

Just the slight correction, that I am surprised Warlocke missed.

 

Good to know that Harry still have his priorities right. ^^

 

First!
After new mini-chapter...

Another chapter full of win. I was suprised he even went to the DA, wouldn't it be more IC to just blow her off AND get to see Maciel naked?


ops, not first, lol.

 

Interesting. But, all that stuff like the DA, Harry helping a bullied children, chatting with Sirius, etc., all those things are good and well but we want some Voldemort/Vesper smut!

Well, or at the very least learn what they're up to.

 

I think i just threw up a little.

Thank you so much, that was a mental picture I had never thought of.

 

Weakling.

I'm beginning to wonder about the Meciel naked thing...

On the one hand, it's Meciel naked.

One the other hand, if the story were to head towards Harry/Meciel, then him seeing her naked now seems a bit too soon.

Of course, this is all moot if Meciel has tricked Harry. She is capable as appearing as anything she likes, since she's just messing with Harry's visual cortex when he sees her, and she never specified in which form he would see her naked. She could appear as tubgirl naked if she wanted to, and still have fulfilled the pact.

 

Here's some hope for those who like the Harry/Amanda pairing! :banana: Meciel would just be Harry's personal blow-up doll.

 

Eh?

Amanda is weak: a complete pushover. She's Harry's bitch. Meciel owns Harry. If anyone's going to be Harry's personal blow up doll, it's Amanda.

 

so? whats so bad about a relationship with a weak partner?

Considering how callous Harry seems do you honestly think he could have a mature relationship with an equal partner? i think not

 

Quoted for Harry/Meciel truth.

Still, great chapter, tastefully done, enjoyed Ginny getting hit with a curse. Also postponing the Harry/Meciel interaction for the next chapter was masterful. Keeps readers on the edge of their seats.

 

Harry only treats those who are below him unequally. Those more powerful than him (Meciel, Dumbledore) he treats as an equal/superior. He's perfectly capable of acting mature when it suits his purpose, he just prefers not to, and can get away with it due to his power.

 

I kind of neglected to mention it because the whole phrase was in question. Of course, I'm also not perfect or I'd probably be doing this for a living. Mmm, employment...

Okay, now I think I may have thrown up a little. And since I'm still in proofreader mode: The entity known as Tubgirl is naked by default, so specifying that she's naked is redundant, whereas specifying that she is clothed is not. Hehe.
---

This may be pedantic, but... 'He smiled coldly, as Hermione paled, and pressed on.'

'sheet'

'shatter'

there should be a 'with' or an 'in the' between 'it' and 'roaring'

'charms and'

How about having him 'watch' or 'observe' 'cautiously', 'warily' or 'with caution' the second time around?

chunk of wooden what? Or should 'wooden' simply be 'wood'?

'as'

A quibble, perhaps... 'to'

'do'

If this were me, I'd change 'on' to 'on and on' for good measure... but it's not me, it's you, and I have bread in the oven.

Just thought I'd take a moment to mention how many people confuse rapt/rapped/wrapped. Don't you hate that? Where do such people come from? Er... anyway, congratulations on not being one of those people. You get a gold star because I want those people to feel bad and a banana on speed, because we have no gold star smilies.
:banana:*

'against'

'your'

'who's given'

'from'

'eerily'

This just sounds a little weird to me compared to, say, 'take a third of them' or 'take a third of the students'. Those two sound more like someone teaching a class.

'take a third of their people' sounds like someone who's going to kill the men, rape the women, enslave the children and raze their farmland.

"Take a third of their people, BWAHAHAHAHA! Soon they shall know the cost of defying me! MUHAHAHAHA!"

Okay, I may have exaggerated slightly. :?

'You'd best' or 'you had best' I'd have ignored it if Harry said it but I'd expect Meciel to be more well spoken than him. (Then again, I suppose being around harry could make her loosen up a bit.)
This is why, earlier, I didn't mention Harry saying '...then I got to see how you fight...' instead of '...then I've got to see how you fight...'

Except now I have mentioned it.

 

Well, unless Shezza pulls something out of the hat that gives Meciel a corporeal form, she wouldn't be able to make Harry less a virgin than what he is now. There will be a point when Harry will want the real thing, and I hope Amanda will be present during this moment

Beside, Amanda's getting better and more skilled (or rather corrupted) each passing days, and I get the feeling she's earning (very slowly) some respect from Harry. Well, maybe that's just me.

 

Harry isn't a virgin.

Plus, virginity isn't a physical thing, it's a purely psychological event. If Harry counts having sex with Meciel as having sex, then it is.

And I don't see why there would come a point when Harry would "want the real thing". Meciel can fool Harry's senses to the point where he wouldn't be able to tell the difference - other than the fact that sex with Meciel would be better.