Oh bloody hell!

Tinn had a slightly older version of the chapter, and I was saving the bit with Carpenters for the next chapter

Fuck me!

You all got a sneak preview.

Thanks Yak and Uriel, for pointing it out.

EDIT: okay it's fixed now. Yes, you saw nothing, an obliviation squad has been dispatched. The Carpenter scene was just your imagination.

Can't believe I made a newbie mistake with desert, dessert*

 

No wonder I was getting confused.
I was trying to think why I could not remember what you posted on FF.net.
Weird...

 

You know, I had a thought based on Karrin's statement of bitterness towards not being able to protect herself as well against magical threats. Harry (Potter) could enchant Karrin's bullets or Bullet Clips so that the bullets either act as portkeys or miniature bombs (Bolters FTW) when they come into contact with blood. The portkey could lead into the middle of a volcano, ocean, tundra, or jailcell depending on what you want. And the Bolter Rounds are just overkill for anything less than a daemon. And even then, most daemons would feel it when their limbs and intestinal tracts are being shredded or blown away by explosions and shrapnel.

It would give her a lot of extra firepower without really drawing any suspicion towards what she's carrying.

 

Yeah, the second sentence was my own suggestion, but since it was just a minor problem of phrasing I didn't want to delete nuhuh's, in case he liked his better. I thought I had explained that to him when I talked to him later. >_<

Good chapter, nuhuh, by the way. Harry Potter's point of view is very enjoyable, and Dresden is more IC than in earlier chapters, where I often found him a bit too childish. I think I've already told you everything I thought of Murphy, so I won't repeat it here.

 

Hmmm...

Hmmm...

Hmmm...

I see.

Well, huh - I'm going to have to think about this one.

 

Great stuff.

But it feels as though you're forcing it more now, and you still haven't gotten the plot to really roar yet.

Frankly, that seems to be your biggest issue (the chapters spent wandering the underworld desert in your other fic.)

The issues that you set up earlier on need to be consitently the issues throughout the rest of the fic. For example, the Karen Murphy brain issue might FEEL important, but for the reader it just slows things down, and becomes repetitive. Don't be afraid to establish the problem, its weight, consequences, and repercussions. Then solve it, and move on.

It feels like everything has slowed to a crawl. At the end of every chapter, the question should be, "Did I succeed in driving the story forward" the second should be, "Was this chapter interesting in its own right?" That's it. Everything else, all the ideas, themes, characterizations, etc. are secondary.

The whole bit with Charity Carpenter felt forced and somewhat cutesy. Harry sticking out his tongue, etc, all felt a bit contrived. Be a lion in there. What is point of this story? Are the Carpenters important? If they are let's stop screwing around and start building on the elements that will be.

Also, Harry Dresden doesn't seem to be utilized nearly as well as he was in the beginning.

That said, I've read it all the way through. You write very dynamically and the world you create is very well thought out. Even the chapter with Harry trapped revealed all the key elements of his back story in an interesting and quick fashion.

Be decisive. Know what your story is, and tell it. Be ruthless with your ideas; don't fall in love with them. Of course, that's just my humble opinion. Take it with a grain of salt.

 

Chuck~

Thanks for the great review. You have definitely given me a lot to think about. I feel that some of the things you pointed out will come on track in the next chapter, but without a doubt I should keep your suggestions at the forefront when writing more.

Appreciate it.

 

I wonder about you sometimes. Underage nude ghost dancing has become a recurring theme in your stories. ALL of them.

 

Name one other! I dare you!

What was with the review in WBA btw? you had to "think about it."

 

She's not underage though.

Harry is in that I suppose, but only physically.

Well the Queen is topless, maybe that is where the similarity is.

But then again her breasts aren't underdeveloped.

 

....you know, i want to read this. I really do. And the topless part really crossed my mind. Damn! But i'm probebly gonna wait till you finish this before i read this. coughanotheryearcough

 

DAMN CLIFFHANGERS.
WRAAAAAA!
I am very aggravated at you.
This is too mean.

 

New chapter posted:~​

Chapter 12
Lasciel's Gift​

Link: DLP
Link: Fanfiction.net

Omake by Shezza for Chapter 12
Link: Work By Author​

 

Oh oh, let me guess!

Karrin's cross is now a Horcrux? That'd be an interesting twist – kill Harry off but resurrect him without the reader realizing it.

 

Nuhuh, your update rate is an inspiration to us all.

Just a few errors I caught:

office -> officer, unless you intended it, which I can understand given one of the children asked the question.

"not something to be trifled with"

Not really a mistake, but frost and covered seem like they should be hyphenated, and maybe "where" could be replaced with "whereas".

The errors were sparse, so excellent balance between quickness and quality.

 

That was my first thought. It would also mean that there is always a piece of Harry lying between Karin's breasts. It's all Dresden's fault, lol.

Nuhuh: Fuck. How can I say anything more when your writing is so good?

The innocent demon is not. Was it all a ploy by Lash?

The dinner with the Carpenter's did seem to drag on a little bit. It was all interesting character building material, but they've just got too many kids. It's exhausting even reading about them all. You only focussed on one or two of the boys and Molly thankfully. If you'd tried to spread my attention any further...

For some reason I thought you meant Molly Weasley, a figment of Harry's insanity had his wand. It wasn't until Harry later snuck up to Molly's room and saw her playing with his wand that I realised which Molly you had meant.

Damn fine writing.

Yak.

 

Ah hah! Finally, the scene that us Fallen-lovers have been waiting for. The cute, adorable, vicious little bitch is here! Let me be the first to say:

Roqa ftw

The Charity and Molly parts have been set up really well, especially since I know where you want to go with them, so well done there. The Charity/Vernon-Petunia comparison was a nice low blow, especially to those who got sick of her anti-magic attitude in the original Dresden Files. Despite her hawtness, that woman could be such a bitch, so it's nice to see Potter taking her a peg or two down her high horse.

One thing I am really interested in is Michael and the 'Phoenix Chosen'. I am wondering if Michael is going to want Harry to do certain jobs or something for him. It'll be interesting to see where that arc leads.

As for the comment that it seems as if nuhuh doesn't have a plot or anywhere to go from here- Well, you're wrong. I know he has a plot. Hell, I've read it. Trust me, this story is only getting started....

 

I suggest you work the first POV some more, it feels alien and unnatural. The thoughts and feelings are robotic. Make it more human.