I must admit I never thought of that. Did Sirius have the standing in the House of Black to accept the Tonks' back into the family?

Considering Gringotts scenes have been done to near death with all semblance of originality gone, I doubt I could have written the scene any better.

 

Regarding the Gringotts scene, I think the real issue is that authors really need to think about why they need/want goblinfriend!harry. If they want it, they need to make use of it, otherwise, its just way overused in my opinion. The real question is why it seems necessary to go to Gringotts for a will reading. Dumbledore doesn't mention it in HPB to my recollection, so I'm assuming its a fanon thing entirely, as a desire to make up for the fact that Rowling handled Sirius' will revelation so casually, and that a lot of author's don't know anything about wills, intestacy (which I'm not going to explain here, because English common laws of intestacy/inheritance are long, boring and confusing) and so on, so Gringott's becomes an easy way to handle it.

Generally speaking, a probate court is what processes a will or disposes of property through intestacy. It issues court orders to the executor, or banks and so on, as to disposition of funds, property, etc. Wills are generally written either by the party himself, or by an attorney/solicitor, and kept either by the party or the solicitor. The will names an executor of the estate, whose job it is to see that the will is carried out according to its terms. A private will reading at a solicitor’s office, with the solicitor saying that he’ll file it with the Ministry’s probate court would work just as well, unless you have a particular need for goblinfriend!Harry and the associated clichés. In that case someone (Lupin, the goblin, etc.) could explain to Harry that a the Goblin Rebellion Treaty of Year XXXX A.D. gave the goblins the rights to act as a probate court and administer estates in their own manner. At least this could explain why an author has the Wizards going to the Goblins for legal services relating to decedent’s estates instead of a probate court.

If a person wanted to play with the idea of a probate court, it could be a good way to backhandedly exonerate Sirius as well, by having Harry give testimony as to Sirius' innocence, Pettigrew's continued existence, and so on. You could even have the various Death Eaters captured at the ministry compelled to testify as to whether Sirius was a Death Eater, perhaps under veritaserum, and whether or not they know Pettigrew was alive, etc. A Harry who is mad at Dumbledore might use this opportunity to compel Snape to testify that he lied at the end of Book III, by asking not 'Is Pettigrew alive' but 'How and when did you find out that Pettigrew was alive?' Perhaps better, you could see if Snape might have known Sirius was innocent way back, by asking "Do you know who the Potters' secret keeper was?" "yes" "Who was it" "Peter Pettigrew" "When and where did you find out?" "At a meeting at Lucius Malfoy's home on Oct. 31st a few hours before the Dark Lord attacked the Potters', he told us that Pettigrew had joined our ranks as a Death Eater, and told him the secret" Oops. "Did you tell anyone?" "yes" "Who?" "Dumbledore" Double oops. The questioning could stop there because anything else isn't relevant to the specific case, but could definitely spark media outcry, or other legal actions against Dumbledore.

Perhaps this all comes about because Sirius' will cannot be executed without him being exonerated, and because of prima genitor the estate would go to Malfoy Jr. through intestacy, but if exonerated, Sirius' will would be executed instead.

Edit: regarding the first part of the quote above, I have some thoughts on Sirius' status in the house of Black, but they're based on some really boring English common law, and extrapolations of what the wizarding world might do, particularly if Sirius' parents died intestate, or if their will left everything to Regulus (who then predeceased Sirius) and didn't name any other devisees in the event that Regulus predeceased Sirius. I think its pretty likely that Sirius could do whatever he wanted as the last male Black of the direct line from his parents. If you want to see it, yell here or on ff.net, because its a couple pages in Word.

 

I'm reading this story, and there are some good parts, such as the mere fact that I miss the old stories that used to come out about Harry's next year in Hogwarts (those were really common after OotP). I can probably come up with more, if I bother.

The characterization is so-so. Ginny is too easy to hate, coming off as one-dimensional. The same goes for Ron. I like the development of Harry and Hermione's friendship and how it has ups and downs; too often in fanfiction there is no down in a friendship. In addition, the way Harry's personality has developed is something that appeals to me: getting stronger but not invincible.

Unfortunately, the fact is that the only reason I'm reading this story is for nostalgia purposes. There's nothing new about this story that differentiates it from the million others that follow the same plot. Harry does well in a Death Eater battle, he reforms the DA, he gradually grows more powerful, there are all the relationship problems involving school, Voldemort fades into the background until the final five chapters, when that grand scheme he's been planning erupts. The fact is, I've seen this before. Many times before, in fact. These plot devices (dare I say cliches) have grown old over time. It's a major reason why we don't have this type of story any more: they all follow the same format, and in the end one story is no different than the other (and all of them are pale copies of the best in the field, such as The Awakening Power Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1709027/1/).

But the worst part of this fic is the writing style. The author simply loves to recount books 1-5 over and over and over and over again. Once he had five characters recall their role in the all of the Potter universe. One by one. The scenes took up half the chapter. It's infuriating. We, the readers, know what happened previously. That's why we're reading fanfiction. In fact, you can bet that there are scores of stories that have recounted the same old tales before. It gets old. It gets boring. And my mouse is slowly creeping towards the big red X in the corner. I don't care that he does it to develop the power of Harry's persona. Find some other way.

The author also loves to immerse this unholy rhetorical device with quotes. His use of quotations is absolutely horrible; he spends literally paragraphs having a single person talk. Especially Harry Potter; it's as if every time Harry opens his mouth he becomes Barack Obama at a convention speech. Real people don't do that. If the author really wants to continue using this tactic, he or she ought to put the quotes as thoughts and directly address the reader. What makes this all the more sad is that the author does have the ability to write out decent conversations; I've seen it in other parts of the story. But for some reason, he doesn't do so.

There are probably a lot of more positive things I can say about this story that I haven't. But it's the nature of criticism to...well...criticize.

3/5

P.S. Here's a perfect example of the use of quotes while recalling canon. I don't recommend reading the whole thing; just know that by the end of this gigantic mass of words, Harry has only finished recounting his first year.

 

I tried to like this story. I really did. Really.

But I don't. The love potion scandal, the rape "attempt", and the 'ultra-ordinary' HBP storyline with blaringly foreshadowed H/Hr all combine to make a lot of shit I've already seen that just isn't entertaining at all.

It has some good points. The writing is okay, not bad but not spectacular either. Some of the characters seem very Canon-like, though that can be counterproductive if you're actually trying to be entertaining.

But still, most of it sucks hot donkey dick. I'll be nice and give it a 3/5, but only because it is better than others fics exactly like it. Otherwise, you'd be lookin at a very sad 1/5. Bravo.

 

Well, if it makes it any better, in the new chapter, there's blaring H/Fleur foreshadowing.

Personally, I think it's an upgrade.

The new chapter is decent, but not exceptional. Though it did bring up a good point to me: why aren't there 'After Crutacius Spasms' if there's so much shaking around while under the curse?

 

Magic.

Personally I think it'll stilll end up H/Hr, even if Harry goes through the entire DA first.

 

I think it could go either way. Doctor's prediction is possible, but the insight into the Delacours' opinions on their daughter's marriage makes me think that any H/Fleur followed by Harry/Susan...all the way down would irrevocably destroy any relationship between the families - and the author seems to be establishing it as Harry's first and very likely most important alliance.

I think will have a period while Fleur is still engaged where Harry goes out with a DA member, followed by a triumvirate paralleling the situation in Jeconais' 'Best Man', with a very close but platonic Hermione and a love interest in Fleur.

Now that I've gotten my two cents on the shipping wars.

Not bad, decent introduction of OC's as well and a well done Hermione scene. Nicely done detail with the after effects of trama and what not, as well as an attempt to cap Harry's massive hitherto unheard about family vault. Still a shitload, and still bordering absurd, but at least it's finite and theoretically possible, which is more than most rich!harry fics.

4/5

 

I like this story. I want to love it, but there's just that spark missing that makes it a truly great story.

The fight scenes are less than average, even though Harry seems to be slowly becoming something special. The train ride fight was garbage (although kudos for the way it ended) and the latest fight against the Black sisters left me shaking my head.

However, I do like most of what is happening. The narrowed down DA is more than a bit cliched, but well done, and we all love to see Harry/Options. Fleur and Hermione's characters are fairly well developed, and of course it's remarkably easy to hate Ginny and Ron (and the rest of the Weasleys for that matter).

The last chapter was very well done, and this story looks to be on the up and up despite an average start. I look forward to reading the meat of the story, and I hope that as Harry grows, the story will flourish as well.

All in all, it's a very good story (despite its cliched nature) with potential to be great.

4/5

 

I read the first chapter, and then from the penultimate chapter to the last chapter, and enjoyed it. Not sure what skipping pages at a time says about the fic, but it was enjoyable. What I didn't skip, I enjoyed, with the exception of action scenes, but they aren't everything.

Contrary to the author's note, I actually don't have any problem believing the Cruciatus just makes someone hurt for a few minutes, and then they're ok. But, if it facilitates Harry/Fleur, I'm all for it.

I found the character development systematic. In one of the earlier chapters, for example, the author writes a passage for each of them, one after the other.

 

4/5 from me. True it does have a lot of the old cliches in them, but I haven't read a fic with them in such a long time that they really aren't bothering me. The characterization leaves something to be desired, but as the story goes along it is improving. The battles scenes are kind of meh, but that didn't bother me to much.

Really the only thing that bothered me to no end is a minor thing. When Harry and Padma are walking back to the Gryffindor common room Padma thinks

(Chapter 7)

Yet if they scene you are talking about is the one I think, it doesn't happen until after they get back to the common room. I could be wrong so please correct me if I am.

Anyway I will definitely continue reading this and look forward to the next update.

 

I just read that chapter today. The confrontation at the Fat Lady wasn't the first time in the story Ginny was a bitch to Padma and Harry.

 

Thanks for pointing that out! Originally that scene was supposed to take place where H/P were talking in Ravenclaw Tower, but my beta found it odd that Ginny would 'pop up' unexpectedly there to confront them. To some extent I agree, though it does get explained later. I'll go edit that right now.

My fights aren't the best, I'm well aware of that, and I'm trying to improve the future ones. Any tips?

 

I especially like the way the author is setting up relationships that they aren't rushed into being lovey dovey. Hope that the eventual relationship of Harry's isn't a disappointment with all the potential.

 

I say just go for some originality. The further that the duel deviates from canon in terms of actual spells used, the more exciting. So, less Stupefies and such, but it is still a classic fight in the sense that spells are being traded.

http://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?t=8248

Here's a compendium compiled by Shezza.

He also made a mini-tutorial on how to write fight scenes. It's at http://forums.darklordpotter.net/showpost.php?p=33895&postcount=16

Shezza and LT2000, another good fight scene writer, both credited some of their spells to http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2147931/1/Spells_&_Creatures

The fights are more than excusable. If I was a newcomer to reading dueling scenes, I'd be enamored with yours. The combatants in the lastest chapter used environment to their advantage, etc., and you concluded so that it transitioned smoothly into the next plot advancement. The rest of the fic, when not on recaps and soliloquies was great. You've got romance down, and I honestly wouldn't mind if the pairing is ultimately Harry/Hermione.

 

Thanks Andromalius. I've spent the last two hours rewriting the next big fight scene (chapter thirteen) and I think it's quite a large improvement. I'll have to find time to read LT2000's stories as well.

 

Aside from the advice Andro gave you, I'd also recommend you head over to the Work By Authors section and read Mors Mortis' fic. It's fairly short, with only two chapters, the second one with a well-written duel scene.

If you have the time, you might also like to read joe6991's Hero Trilogy or Queens of Darkness, Ladies of Light (I've forgotten who the author of this fic is) to get a feel of how a general fight scene should be like. They may not be duel scenes, but these fics have probably the best action scenes in all HP fanfiction, and I believe you can learn something from them. You can find the links for both in the Library.

On the whole, apart from some cliches and your focus on the romance subplot, I generally like this fic. As far as pairings go, I can honestly say I don't mind who he ends up with, as I enjoy most pairings from H/Fleur to H/Hr.

 

Excuse the self-plug, but my own fic "Assassin's Creed" is so far a glorified, long action scene with a few interludes.

You can do a lot with action scenes. Invent a shield that is thermodynamic, mass-spells, dip puppies in chocolate and force Death Eaters to lick them clean... which I have done, done, and will do respectively.

 

So far you seem to be off to a fairly good start. All of your major characters are fairly well defined. The biggest weakness that you have is once again the action scenes. Right now I'd give you a 4/5 because so far you really haven't been writing an action story so far but rather a drama type fic.

Yea but you did it well so you are excused.

 

Ok, after reading the latest updates over on PC, I'd have to take back a previous criticism.

I was upset that there was very little oiriginal content in this story so far. With the newest developments, I'd say the author is bringing his own ideas into play. I like that foreign MoM's have been mentioned and made use of, and I like the fact that quite a bit of infighting between Harry and his surrogate family seems to be just past the horizon. I especially like the 'consequences' of Harry's escape to France..especially with that particular companion.

If the author keeps this up, then there is a chance this fic will be quite a read, especially in later chapters. Let's just hope he doesn't sink back into the pattern of emulating HBP like he did earlier in the story. Good Work on the latest.

 

The new chapter is good. While the apparition test was a bit standard, I'm glad you avoided describing every little piece of clothing Harry bought. The relationship with Fleur is interesting and she's leading the poll, but there are a lot of Harry/Fleur fics around. Go for something a little more original, go for Padma, or at least give her a little more chapter time.......please?