Title: The Empty Room
Author: enembee
Rating: M
Genre: Action/Adventure
DLP Category: Independent Harry
Pairing: Harry/OC (sorta)
Status: Work in Progress
Summary: A terrible event in the middle of his summer changes Harry forever and isolates him from his friends. Seemingly alone he spends sixth year trying to counter-act Voldemort's plans whilst things are made even more difficult by a teacher who toys with time.
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4076390/1/The_Empty_Room

I will admit that it's a little bizzare.


Edit by Minion, Dec. 9, 2012
Dead link is dead. If you know where to find another copy of the story, please inform the library staff.

 

Try not to have typos in your summary, it turns many people off.

I'll read the story now and edit in with the review. I hope this teacher isn't Mary or Gary sueish.

EDIT:

I may be letting my bias get to me... well, I know I am letting my bias get to me, but I can't finish chapter one.

The writing isn't terrible. You could use a beta to check for grammar mistakes and you could use some work on your dialogue, but the writing just fine, and is definitely something that will improve with time.

The thing is... I just don't like Snape. Hate him in fact, and any story that gives him powers that make him unique to any other wizard and the strength to duel Voldemort to a standstill just doesn't sit well with me.

Maybe others who can tolerate the teacher will give it a full read through.

 

Corrected, thanks for spotting that.

Snape is purposely OOC, but I can understand why you dislike him.

Thanks for the advice, I'll try to find someone to correct my grammar in future

 

Interesting. I'll definitely be watching this one. I just finished reading what has been posted, and I agree that you need a beta reader. Perhaps you don't need it as desperately as some do, but you still need one. This is fast-paced, interesting, and at times I'm not entirely sure what, exactly, is going on. I'll give it a tentative 4/5 for now, but I may change my mind later, depending on where you're taking this. It's better than the average Independent Harry, but the typos, occasional misspellings, and small grammatical errors are holding it back from being excellent.

 

Seriously though, my written english is just dire. How could I go about finding someone who wants to beta my awfulness?

 

Perfect Imagination has many accredited beta readers you can go through.

Edit: Never claimed to be perfect. 'S why I work with around three beta readers at a time.

 

Post your stuff in the work by author section. Bam, instant beta.

Not a complete one (usually), mind you, but if nothing else, it's something.

 

Interesting, im thinking that you've lead well into a powerful!Harry story line. A bit of it was confusing upon first read through, but then it cleared it up on the second time through. Just a question you've said its HP/OC, seeing as the OC died and you've gone and put HP and Ginslut up top? Whats the deal, is it another OC or are we looking at some up and coming interaction between the boy wonder and the most despised character in the Potterverse?

 

I'm assuming you meant she is marked on FanFic as character 2. There will be no H/G in this fic. I am not sure how I selected her, or why. I'd imagine illicit substances might have been involved somehow.

 

Well, you get points for lulz. Your story however is a bit confusing. Try to slow the pace down a little, and use a little bit more detail in your writing. Detail is a difficult concept to grasp, use too much you put your readers to sleep, too little and you look like you don't put enough effort into it. Your grammar could be a little bit better. For example (mild spoiler):

[FONT=&quot]Boothe, the lawyer acting on behalf of the Lestrange and Malfoy estates, had recently tried to pressure certain ministry officials to pass an act legalizing unregistered werewolves. Harry made a note to research the man later.

Instead of:
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] It appeared that whoever was acting on behalf of the Lestrange and Malfoy estates, a man called Boothe, this was a name that Harry did not recognize, was leaning upon certain ministry offi[/FONT][FONT=&quot]cials, trying very hard to pass an act that would legalize unregistered werewolves.


[/FONT]I realize that you are trying to introduce a plot or an OC here, so you need to make sure that the reader is aware of this character. Whether Harry knows of him or not really is not relevant. Write, revise, repeat. I'm with holding judgment for now.

 

As a personal opinion on the matter quoted, I liked the author's way of saying it better. You've got the makings of an excellent story here. Snape, in my opinion, is just who he's supposed to be. He didn't fight Voldemort to a standstill, but rather slipped around him, and cleverly removed him from the situation. Harry is strong, but in a way that seems like he would have been just as powerful had he reached his potential in canon. Keep up your work, and try to be a little clearer about the story and you style of telling it.

 

It seemed like the sentence had too many clauses, and not enough periods, such that the sentence would drag on, even though its purpose could have been clearer, if it had been broken up.

Sometimes ambiguity is good. I assumed the author wasn't trying to be mysterious here, but I could be wrong. Regardless, he did use the verb "was" three times in one sentence. I think he needs to work on active voice too.

 

Excellent start. Dark and gritty atmosphere, good characterization and decent plotting. Yes, this last chapter was a bit confusing and Harry transformed into a ass-kicking Casanova out of nowhere, but that's not enough to even mildly annoy me. Bad grammar I didn't even noticed.

 

Aside from the need for a beta I would say that this story is off to a very good start. I like the use of Grindlewald's GreyFlesh soldiers. Even better is that you introduced them into the story with just enough preamble to really communicate how dnagerous they are without over doing it. I really like how Harry' s character is developing, capable of vicious and cold blooded acts of violence, but still at least somewhat burdened by his choices. I will be keeping an eye on this story. 3/5

 

New chapter, I have no idea how this will be recieved

 

Mild spoilers for chapter 5.

Spoiler

The possession came out of nowhere. Harry's state of mind needed to be more detailed, giving us at least some foreshadowing of what was to happen. As it stands now, I'm not sure how much of Harry we've seen so far is really Harry and how much Voldemort.

The writing and action, on the other hand, were excellent.

 

EDIT: Sorry, I re-read my post and realised how much of a whiney twat I sounded, I seriously apologise for my attitude, my only defense is that I was really worried about how that paticular element would be recieved. Sorry again.

Spoiler

There's been little bits of hints all the way through. Perhaps I danced around it a little much, lots of people commented that he was OOC but all of these things were supposed to show a growing similarity between he and Tom Riddle.

To your other point; the idea is that you don't know how much is he and how much is Voldemort because he doesn't know.

Sorry if I sound overly defensive, but you've pretty much immediately picked up on my biggest worry for this chapter. Thanks for the compliments and criticism. I will attempt to persevere on my shortcomings.

 

This is a wonderful debut fic. Keep it coming.

 

Well written and plotted. 4.5/5 Can't wait to see the next chapter.