I liked the original characterization of Harry in your first draft fine. He's not treating her any different between edits, the public's reaction and her identity as a cousin is the only difference (changing to a cousin is the only change I didn't mind, as it allows Harry to keep his cards to himself for a bit longer).

I hope to high hell you don't have Harry train Amaris, I disagree with anyone who thinks it would be an intelligent move. It would be completely out of character for Harry at this point and would server as filler that would detract from the story. She's a good side-character, a way for Harry's character to mature. But developing her uses words that could be better spent developing other things such as the why behind Harry being chosen as a knight, Meciel's inner workings (is she going to take over Harry or will she fall in love with her host), etc etc.

There are quite a few plot ideas you've been subtlely, and not so subtlely exploring that would take a backseat to Amaris's education and interaction with Harry.


Your original edit was easily a 4/5. The change to cousin made it slightly better but the change over perception (in other words, popular opinion... like it matters to Harry) I think dulled the potential for comedy later, comedy that could include Harry and Amaris (who I see developing a snobby attitude towards mortals that don't have her DNA).


Great to see so much this last day, hope to see more.


EDIT: Oh yeah, I (as I hope all of us have) read all of J.K.'s HP. If I can't stick it out through a couple of chapters that don't mesh well with me when I could read a couple of books that didn't mesh well with me, then I'm just looking to complain, wouldn't you agree? I don't see myself abandoning reading a quality story if I dislike one, two, hell maybe even three chapters. But I guess I'm not everyone.

 

Seems like something is missing in the bolded bit. Also, first cousin isn't very obscure, so I don't quite understand what Harry's saying there.

Instead of inherited, maybe "You certainly share Mr. Potter's..."? Also, I'm not sure if this is really over-the-top enough to prompt the fetish discussion. You know you want to give in to your inner Simpsons fan here ("Why must you turn this castle into a house of lies?").

I like the new version, the changes are subtle, but now it's more that Harry is snapping at Amaris out of irritation rather than being deliberately cruel.

 

I actually laughed. Do you know how amazing that is?

The 'retard' lines were just amazing.

 

I agree with Datakim and Sree views when it comes to the treatment of Amaris.

The edited version is much better but I’ll miss seeing Amanda’s reaction so soon…

Will there a small Harry/Amaris/Draco*NO, NOTHING SEXUAL* scene? I love it when Draco’s face gets introduced to a wall.

 

It was fun to read. I was sporting a grin from the moment of Amaris' first line to Amanda's last one. Win.

Before I read this, I thought that Harry/Amanda/Amaris interactions might be awkward. Oh, how wrong I was.

Yak
wonderfully wrong

 

The heavens opened up and–

That will be win, assuredly.



Great chapter Shezza, even if with all the changes, it's a little confusing what's going on (I'm sure it'll make sense on FFnet).

An off hand comment:
I don't think it will be Harry, for whom we think is the one to change, but Meciel. She's been acting more and more like an Archangel than any demon, since the story has progressed. Her concern for Harry and Amaris are proof of it.

 

That's where I'm putting my money.

Hmmm... It was Meciel's love for children that caused to her to disobey God in the first place. Her concern for Amaris may not be a sign of her redemption so much as a manifestation of a core part of her personality. Whether she's Angel or Fallen, perhaps she just loves children.

Yak.

 

I liked this final part. It was back to your usual awesome quality.

One nitpick that I could offer is that it was a bit strange when Harry pulled his wand from his robes when he was startled by Amaris. I mean he was in the process of practising that petrification curse so the fact that the wand was suddenly in his robes was a bit strange. He should either have the wand in his hand or you should add a line telling us that he put it away before Amaris comes in.

Other than that very minor nitpick however, I liked everything. Amaris was cool and Harry was his standard amusing self without being too evil. Great work!

 

Yes she does, especially with on rye with a little mustard.

 

It's nice to know that Shezza thinks of me when she's writing.

 

I think the usual word there would be "shower." If you're going to use "spew" use "...which crackled, hissed, and spewed grey sparks."

I had no idea his hand was capable of flowing as a liquid. Try "...a vicious motion."

 

It's nice to know that Shezza thinks of me when she's writing.

-Rehio

Shezza's a girl?

i don't really care one way or the other, but i'd like to know.

if shezza is a girl, she can write a hell lot better than JKR.

more power to you, shezza

 

LAWL, no Shezza is a guy. You must have missed the fact that it says Male under his avatar...

I really like the new edited chapter here it felt much better than the first draft. Harry stays in character and yet seems to care for Amaris in a strange and slightly twisted sort of way.

 

Why do a lot of people think Shezza is a girl?

 

I would presume it stems from the fact that his screen name ends with the letter "A" and thus has a high chance of being a girl's name. History has proven us wrong, however.

 

Because she is. Google her full name - shezza88 - and look at her myspace profile if you don't believe me.

Pretty hot, huh? And a working brain to write awesome stories with to boot!