Well, I never imagined Harry looking like Daniel Radcliffe, so...

 

He is just a bit too......whiny looking, isn't he?

 

The perfect person to play Canon!Harry, then.

 

Too whiney, even for Canon!Harry. Maybe Emo/Pussy!Harry lol

 

I think Dumbledore was the only character I pictured remotely accurately to canon. Old, long white beard, half-moon glasses and grandfatherly looking. Not that hard to create a mental image of.

Although, Malfoy looks like the arrogant prick he is, so at least some castings worked out well.

That said, I can no longer picture many of the main characters like I originally did. Too much exposure to the movie versions. Minor characters like Susan, Hannah, Padma and Ernie are what I pictured them to be like in mind still, 'cause of the lack of screentime only.

 

McGonagall isn't really all that far off, either. Or Lucius........

 

I thought the Weasleys were well cast; a bunch of redheaded nobodies.

 

The twins are blond in the movies, as well as being fugly. Has su ever appeared in the movies?

 

She might have, I never paid enough attention to really see. She's not on Imdb's list for any of the movies, anyways.

 

The original Dumbledore was well cast. The second one.....not so much so.

 

Couldn't be helped, seeing as the great original actor died...

 

That's just a cover story, to hide that Michael Gambon was willing to play the role for half the money.

 

It has been updated. New chapter isn't bad, though I'm now very sick of the Harry/Hermione/Ginny problem. One would think that in a society that seems to have easy access to love potions or other spells of mental influence, that it wouldn't be uncommon to have ways of detecting them as well. I could write several paragraphs on why H/Hr are being idiots for not getting checked out and taking more active steps to solve the problem, but I'm going to skip it.

Otherwise, the continuing development of the characters is nice, because let's face it, this is a largely character driven story, and for once we're actually getting to see Harry noticing that girls exist. Unlike JKR's world, I know that when I was in high school, I noticed all the pretty girls. Even if I didn't really want to date them or didn't know them, I still knew they were hot, and enjoyed looking.

This Harry seems to feel the same way at least a bit, and I think that is far more realistic than him suddenly noticing one single girl is hot to the exclusion of all others and as a 14 to 17 year old deciding that he's going to spend the rest of his life with her.

Frankly, I think its a good thing that Harry may finally have started to realize that having more than two real friends is perfectly acceptable.

 

Some of the characterization felt a little empty to me. Many of the characters could use more depth, although perhaps that’s just a byproduct of limited screen time. While we’ve been given insight into the minds of many characters such as Daphne and Padma, I’m still not quite sure what motivates and makes them tic in this story. Fleur, on the other hand, was done fairly well. Or perhaps I’m just a sucker for the blond Veela.

There needs to be more description and detail. Especially of the setting and characters themselves. Paint me a mental picture of the scene. I’ve always been a huge fan of detail and description, so take that for what it’s worth.

The writing, while better then the majority of drivel we call fan fiction, could be much better. If you haven’t read it, you need to check out “The Elements of Style” by William Shrunk and E.B. White. If you have read it, you need to thoroughly study the rules. I recommend purchasing it, but there is a version online at http://orwell.ru/library/others/style/index.htm

Omit needless words. Study this rule in particular. Your sentences have too many needless words to qualify as skilled writing. Or you use several words when a single word would convey the same meaning. To give just one example, the second sentence of your newest chapter is below.

“It was because of this that there was little care for where one Apparated on arrival, as long as it wasn’t inside someone’s bathroom.”

There are many ways to cut pointless words from this sentence. Doing so makes it more concise and easier to read. For example, you could cut out the first six words entirely like so:

“Consequently, there was little care for where one Apparated on arrival, as long as it wasn’t inside someone’s bathroom.”

In writing, less is more so long as you are able to convey the same meaning and idea. Personally, I’d change this sentence much more drastically, but some of that is personal taste.

Plot seems to be moving along slowly but steadily, albeit with a few clichés. Do avoid those when you can.

It seems you enjoy leaving long authors notes. Please, try to break this habit. Much of what you detail in these authors notes could be conveyed in the story itself to much greater affect.

More subtlety would improve the story. You don't have to beat your readers over the head with every little idea you want to convey. It makes for a better read if we have to think.

With all that said, I did enjoy the story. It is far from perfect, but I still found it worth the time to read. If you think I'm being a little harsh in my criticisms, it's only because I see the potential for higher quality.

3/5

 

The new chapter was ok, but Harry seems to be backtracking into an emotional funk instead of moving forward into planning and preparing the DA for battle. While I'll agree it's common to think of someone at night, especially if you're missing their presence, Harry's thoughts are a little too strong, unless you want to rush the romance. Sure, he'd miss the girl he likes, especially if he's gotten used to sharing her bed...but he's still a bit young to be yearning so strongly for Fleur's presence.

Also, i found an error towards the end of the Chapter.

too much to for anything more to be seen.

Correcting it would only involve removing the 'to' between 'much' and 'for'. Otherwise, I still like where this is going, and hopefully, the pace will pick up soon.

 

You've forgotten what it was like to be a teenage boy. Besides, the desire to reunite with her is proportional to how hot she is. VEELA.

 

I rather enjoyed Luna's portrayal in the movies. She had the perfect, airy voice, spaced expression...

The book's rarely said Luna was attractive in the conventional sense.

*Ponders*

I could so imagine Vin Diesel playing Harry XD

That was random...

But yeah, the movie characterisation's ruined a lot of it.

Now all we needed was to put Peter's face on Ginny and we're 100% correct!

Regards
Aerin

 

Vin Diesel? how about the governor? Imagine.......Avaada keedaavra

 

LMAO Arnold FTW! Actually, I'm getting into this one. I'm still voting for Fleur, though.

 

Arnold? Vin Diesel? You people are so off track.



Harry Rambo ftw.