Voldemort=Ron Jeremy

 

He'd play the piano and enjoy the gentleman's sport of hunting.

I always thought of him as the kind of snobbish, posh british people. Fine wines and all that.

He also faps to Playwitch.

 

Jenkins, just to be clear:

Playwizard = magical Playboy = DO WANT
Playwitch = magical Playgirl = DO NOT WANT

It's funny either way.

 

-Rolls eyes-

Someone has been reading too many crack fics.

Good though aren't they?

 

Voldemort Jazzercises. It's twroo!

 

I think he and Dumbie are secret lovers. We already know Dumbie liked his other arch nemesis like that. That explains why he grows a beard.

 

No, don't be stupid. Everyone knows he grew a beard because he's a dirty, old pedo who likes feeling up little boys.

Aekiel

 

Actually, that might explain the whole 'Dark Lord' business in the first place. Dirty old Dumbledore touches young Tom Riddle => Tom decides to wage war on sketchy old man.

"So I won't have to go back to the orphanage if I do this, right?"
"Yes Tom. And besides, you like snakes, don't you?"

 

I can imagine him enjoying plotting the downfall of his enemies, dreaming of new ways to harm Harry and Dumbledore. However he is very knowledgeable wizard so he must spend lots of his spare time researching and learning new magic, something that I find very few stories mention.

 

You know in fanfiction it actually ticks me off when authors never write what Voldemort actually does besides cruicio every now and then or something. I wish people would write about the dark lord training and stuff to get stronger then he is and stuff. That's what I would find realistic, Voldemort training all the time and having his followers train.

 

I'd imagine Voldemort would listen to Marilyn Manson, pull on his nipple rings, and masturbate to videos of people dying. Beheadings and firing squads mainly, a jumper every now and then.

 

"Oh yeah... mmmm, that's good..."

Bellatrix looked up at her master, eyes all innocent. It was in that moment that Voldemort pulled out of her mouth and shot his jizz onto her breasts. He smirked as he observed the pearl necklace being formed.

Once he had finished, Bella put a finger to her breast, fingering the spunk, before plunging it into her mouth. Voldemort groaned. "Very good, my Lord," she whispered. "Shall I send in Cissy?"

 

Congratulations. You are now watching Dragon Ball Z.

EDIT: Why the hell don't we ever see Voldemort or a Death Eater use the Imperius Curse to interrogate prisoners? It's supposedly beyond most peoples' power to resist (hence "Unforgivable"), and it doesn't make new neighbors for Frank and Alice if Tweedle Deatheater maintains the spell too long.

 

Come on, guys, let's not beat on him too much. L_F has a point about the Cruciatus Curse. It gets really old when all you see is Voldemort plotting and torturing his own followers.

"Master, I have done as you commanded!"

"Crucio! You didn't do it good enough, bitch!"

"I'm sorry Master, I'm sorry!"

"As you should be. Now go back to doing something that has nothing to do with the plot."

"Yes, Master. As you wish master."

"Oh, and one more thing ... Crucio! MWAHAHAHAHAA"

It gets lame after seeing it done in almost every, single fanfiction, the exact same way. He Crucio'd the one Death Eater at the graveyard because none of them helped him after he was ripped from his body and then that man dared to ask for forgiveness. It was legitimate, as far as Dark Lords go, and that doesn't mean he tortures the fuck out of his subordinates 24/7. Give me a break.

 

I agree, I personally hate the ever-torturing Voldemort. I'm trying to write one where he's not such a dick. I think it's fucking stupid if Voldemort acts like that, which so many authors make him do, it's entirely un-realistic.

 

I agree with (LEEEEROOOOYYYYY!) Jenkins. If anything, Voldemort is probably more benevolent than torture monger. I mean, even retarded Pettigrew got a solid silver, powerful replacement hand, and he did that as more of an afterthought.

What would be realistic is if he tortured his enemies in front of his Death Eaters, and used that as motivator to inspire fear. Frankly, I doubt his DE's could be that productive if they're well on their way to becoming like Neville's parents.

 

He is like a bazillion years old, everyone is young next to him. Except God, but he is even more perverted than Dumbie, watching everyone when they shower and all that. I wonder if Voldie ever showers...

 

ROFL, thats good lol.

 

Die, die a painful death, preferably involving rolling pins.

 

Well, everybody dies. I might just as well die for others amusement.