I agree with Samuel, it is really annoying. Apart from that, it was perfect. Like the others, I think you got Amandas skill level about right.

As for the next chapter, Harry should waltz in amongst the fiendfyre, rip off some fucking heads with his wings, chop some people up and kick Amanda in her injured arm. Because she's fucking retarded for bringing EVERYONE BUT HARRY.

Oh, and the subtle Ginny bashing was awesome.

 

Splendid. As always.

And I am feeling sorry for myself for forgetting that you were posting here in the Dresden section.

No recent chapter had my heart beating with expectation like your last update.

I look forward to seeing Harry coming in to the battlefield and what sort of "clean up" Amaris had in mind.

 

Nice chapter Shezza ol' chap, keep up the good work!

 

A/N: Last scene of Chapter 29 has been posted

 

The image of Harry casually blowing up walls while looking for everyone.. it's like a precursor to the awesome ass kicking that will no doubt follow..

Just one thing, this bit here from the first part:

It's probably just me, but "on her warm head" just sounds really weird to.
Something like he "planted a quick kiss on the top of her head" or "planted a quick kiss on her forehead" sounds better imho.

But then its up to you

 

Repetition of the word “small.”

Walls

its

His eyes were sharp or His eye was sharp.

More of a pet peeve but: He unconsciously stepped up his pace until he was jogging past the other offices and reached the room that he wanted.

The blonde twit he had seen this morning.

She

There were a few more, mostly with the flow of sentence structure and continuity but I wasn't exactly sure on those and didn't want to affect writing style or something that you intended.

 

Nice going. Harry blowing up walls is a great image *grin*

It schould be "I killed a man"

 

They added it because they thought Harry was dead.

 

I'll have a go

[cracks knuckles]

I'd get rid of the was, but it's not wrong I suppose. It sounds better in my head though.

I think you mean walls...

I know what your trying to say but it comes off as awkward.

I'd go with "down the Corridor".

I want to complain about your use of the word "tantalising", but its up to you. I'd go with intriguing or some other synonym. I don't think Harry's that interested in the situation. Maybe Meciel but not Harry...

I want to replace the "," with a ";" or maybe a "."

I never said I was good at this... if you've read my stories or any of my posts you'll know what I mean.

"its" not "it's", and curvier could be shortened to curvy since you already said more in the sentence. unless this is one of those style moments then carry on.

I'd get rid of the last until as its repetitive and just say "as he reached the room he wanted."

The that is unnecessary in my opinion. Then again, the last sentence there is a bit awkward, consider revising.

Maybe end at "jogging past the other offices."
then follow up on the next sentence.

Missing a "the"

"that he had" sounds better.

Consider on or across for the last sentence. A slash presumes in already.

"the"

First thing, since you already said tendons were cut I have a hard time believing both her hands flew up, plus you follow that later on with how useless it is when Harry sends her her wand.

Second if both went up, what happened to the second one, or is it hanging up in the air somewhere?

I kill bug... Squish squish. Go take piss I am... Burns piss does

I'd put a "a" before hard... minor thing.

Amanda's arm is like a penis... it must not hang... it must be hung! Or erect... but hung works well here.

Other than that... sounds good to me

I wanna see Hermione get rescued by harry, if only because I wanna see her owe harry her life.

For some reason I have an odd thought that your going to have harry fall through the archway...

I say that only because I'm an attention whore and if I'm right I wanna be able to say "called it!"

Edit:

@immolo: didn't they think voldemort was dead as well?

It wouldn't explain why they added Neville's name unless they realized voldemort was still kicking. It would have had to have been before Halloween, or after harry resurfaced.

 

I was thinking the same thing, no idea why.

Awesome chapter as usual Shezza, though you made us a wait forever for it.

 

I'm assuming the fact that a winter fey changeling has a warm head is significant... On reading, I think the chapter was more powerful without that final scene, ending at a more natural point.

 

Actually that didnt bother me. Kinda shows she is still disoriented.

But that might just be me.

 

It's harder to make that kind of mistake while speaking if your fluent in the language. It just feels wrong to say.

Slurring your words makes sense, but not something as innocuous as "a"

 

What would be really cool in regards to the arch, would be to have Harry fall through it, and merely appear on the other side of the arch with the voices dying down to a whisper in fear. If you played the archway as a gateway to Hell, then it would stand to reason that due to his association with a Fallen, Hell has no intention of taking Harry. Meciel, as a Fallen, would have been allied with Lucifer and his third of the heavenly host during the war for heaven, as outlined in the Book of Enoch. Why would Lucifer take the host of, no doubt, one of his Lieutenants? Score major creepy points for Harry in front of the Death Eaters, students, and Order!

 

If you wanted to stick more with the Dresden-verse then you could use it as a permanent portal to Faerie and use it as an escape point for Harry.

 

The sword on Harrys back more than likely would not make him many friends in hell.

 

Liked the final part of ch29. Harry was very Harry.

Oh, and since everyone seems to be making their guesses about the veil in this story. My guess is that the Veil is actually a permanent doorway to Outside (you know the place where Meciel is imprisoned) and Harry will throw in some death eaters for Meciel to play with.

 

Damn it Datakim took mine...

I was going to say, Harry may try and free Meciel if he was able to get to the outside, because clearly he has to get free and if he can... why can't she.

I figure Meciel being able to actually handle the coin, in which she is imprisoned in( thats a tricky concept in itself ) would give her a slight advantage.

I figure thats the logical goal of the fallen, get free of their prisons... Sheeza hinted at it when he tried that scene with Dumbledore giving up his sight to change Meciel.

I mean if your going to fuck around with powers beyond comprehension, distorting the fabric of reality like it's silly putty... you might as well do the thing right.

But then again, maybe Sirus will do the swan dive and Harry will shrug it off.

 

A/N: I've decided to keep the Harry Scene to the start of the next chapter, to annoy the hell out of the readers at FF.Net. The last part of Ch29 is up, just a little piece from Ron's POV. The other part will become the first part of Chapter 30.

 

great to see you on the ball again Shezza, I agree with keeping the harry/Amanda scene for the start of chapter 30, hurry up and get another section out I cant wait to read about Harry finding a couple of Death Eaters, insulting Hermione etc.

Fash