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Complete The Denarian Knight by Shezza88 - M - Dresden Files

Discussion in 'The Alternates' started by Rehio, Oct 26, 2007.

4.6346154212952/5, 104 votes
Page 86 of 96
  1. KubYnator

    KubYnator Second Year

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    Jun 18, 2008 #1701
    You could end the Amanda scene after this sentence
    Then just add the Ron scene and you would have a nice little cliffhanger.
    Or at least add the last part of the Amanda scene after the Ron scene, because I think the Ron scene is more interesting when you don't know what happened to Amanda after the crucio.
     
  2. Chime

    Chime Dark Lord

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    Jun 18, 2008 #1702
    There was a glaring error around the beginning, you said Ron "through up" instead of "threw up". A couple other minor errors (ad instead of and), but otherwise fairly solid scene.

    Is this the part where you kill Ginny? Please tell me you have plans to kill someone here :).
     
  3. Reyhkt

    Reyhkt Groundskeeper

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    Jun 18, 2008 #1703
    Isn't she already dead?

    Luna, Hermione, Amanda, and Ginny were the only girls there. We know the others are safe. So that leaves only Ginny who could be the corpse on the floor.

    Edit: Fuck me, never mind. I read that Harry moved away from the corpse, and was under the impression that he entered another room and spotted Amanda.
     
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2008
  4. uriel

    uriel Seventh Year DLP Supporter

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    Jun 18, 2008 #1704
    Wishful thinking :p Ginny really hasn't done anything in this fic... so it's okay if she lives through the ordeal. Makes no difference in the long run :)
     
  5. Oz

    Oz For Zombie. Moderator DLP Supporter

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    Jun 18, 2008 #1705
    Ron's POV.
    ​

    corridors
    'A' would work better as 'The'
    God called, and he's very offended. :D That 'h' shouldn't be capitalised.
    and the lock clicked.
    threw
    Eaters
    his opponent's
    hair
    sounded
    Incantatum
    Comma after Hello.
    Drop 'them'.
    him
    Drop 'towards'.

    Beginning of Chapter 29
    ​
    reverberate
    Comma after intoned.
    'down the room'
    when a large
    foul
    haired
    That kind of petered off towards the end.
    Mebbe, Most of them wore masks but one of them- a crazed-looking witch with pallid features, hollow, maniacal eyes and stringy, ratty hair- left her face exposed.
    Comma after 'once'.
    Hermione's
    or
    long-term
    his
    Eaters
    Mastered and masterful in the same sentence... Change masterful to experienced or something.
    Comma after screamed, and Eater's should be Eaters.
    cocoon
    The Ghostly figures did what?
    Repetition here is a bit... repetitive.
    Again, the repetition is a bit repetitive.
    felt
    doors
    relishing the feeling of cold stone
    Ya' know... you've mentioned this quite a bit already.
    witch's
    shrieked
    me in the
    ???
    her wand with
    Comma after deep.
    defiantly
    Comma after 'molded from her'.
    in
    Change 'a' to 'as' and drop 'over'.
    Drop 'a'.

    man's
    at
     
  6. TurnCoat

    TurnCoat First Year

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    Jun 18, 2008 #1706
    Awesome story been reading 3 hours straight. Eagerly waiting for the next update and HERMIONE MUST DIE
     
  7. Ragon

    Ragon Dark Lord

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    Jun 18, 2008 #1707
    Shezza. Brillant idea. Since we know that more than likely Butcher is not going to kill Murphy. I dont suppose it could be arranged where Harry like kills her could it?
     
  8. Jearom

    Jearom Sixth Year

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    Jun 19, 2008 #1708
    This is an awesome idea.

    Great chapter Shezza, I can't wait to see Harry tear through the Death Eaters.
     
  9. Dirk Diggory

    Dirk Diggory Seventh Year

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    Jun 19, 2008 #1709
    I hope Harry has a good line for when he waltzes in to greet Voldemort. Dumbledore's smug "It was foolish of you to come here tonight, Tom" to furious Voldemort was one of the more badass moments the old man had in canon.

    Oh yeah, insert standard comments about this chapter being good.
     
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2008
  10. Rahkesh Asmodaeus

    Rahkesh Asmodaeus THUNDAH Bawd Admin DLP Supporter

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    Jun 20, 2008 #1710
    u shud chang harys name n make him a vampire sheza! if u dont den ur a prep!!!1!!
     
  11. kraytkiller

    kraytkiller Second Year

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    Jun 20, 2008 #1711
    ...........

    I'm at a loss for words. And I knew it'd be bad when I saw your name.


    Did she ever actually make Harry a vampire, btw?
     
  12. Oz

    Oz For Zombie. Moderator DLP Supporter

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    Jun 20, 2008 #1712
    i fink harri shud becum a vampyr and den he wud be da strngset nd win agenst evrywun
     
  13. Darius

    Darius 13/m/box

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    Jun 20, 2008 #1713
    No .
     
  14. Rahkesh Asmodaeus

    Rahkesh Asmodaeus THUNDAH Bawd Admin DLP Supporter

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    Jun 20, 2008 #1714
    hary iz stoopid name iz rakhesh nao!!!! i dun leik dat prsonility so i maed dis persnality n m vampire nao!~ if u dont liek it den ur a prep!!!!
     
  15. Dethklok

    Dethklok Order Member

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    Jun 20, 2008 #1715
    Rahkesh.....

    One, that profile picture looks really fucking stupid. It reminds me of a gay, emo-Sasuke.

    The boy ain't right.

    Two, your language.....it smells to me of mental retardation mixed with emo bullshit.

    Is English even your first language? Or one you can read and write properly?

    I'm concerned for you, you lost soul. Come back to the light of God.
     
  16. Viper

    Viper Fourth Year

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    Jun 20, 2008 #1716
    Psst. It's Sree trolling to show his hate for A Second Chance at Life.

    And a nice chapter, Shezza.
     
  17. Oz

    Oz For Zombie. Moderator DLP Supporter

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    Jun 20, 2008 #1717
    Gee, Dethklok, someone must be feeling like a royal tard right about now, huh?
     
  18. Rahkesh Asmodaeus

    Rahkesh Asmodaeus THUNDAH Bawd Admin DLP Supporter

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    Jun 20, 2008 #1718
    hay fuk u prep!! engrish iz fo prepz n pozers!!!
     
  19. Dethklok

    Dethklok Order Member

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    Jun 20, 2008 #1719
    Why should I feel like a 'royal tard', Oz? I have to call stupid as I see it, and Rahkesh is talking stupid.
     
  20. Oz

    Oz For Zombie. Moderator DLP Supporter

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    Jun 20, 2008 #1720
    These two posts are why you should be feeling like a royal tard. -_-'
     
Page 86 of 96
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