Thats really good idea, but I doubt Harry would ever willingly part with the coin.

 

Why not?

I mean we are not talking about permanently giving up the coin here. Ofcourse Harry would never even consider it. However here, the prisoner is weak and helpless both, and I assume atleast that there is no risk of him apparating away with the coin. And ofcourse as I said above, no chance that Meciel would prefer the prisoner over Harry. Losing contact with Meciel for only a minute or two with no risk and in exchance learning huge amounts of information on both Voldemort, and on other matters seems like a good exchange.

Hehehe.

In DF canon atleast, the fallen can probe the hosts memories easily without doing any harm. Or a shadow of one can anyway since Lasciel did that to Dresden. But I assume the same would obviously be true for the better more powerfull Fallen. So there would be no risk of the guy dying before Meciel drained him dry.

And I cannot help but think Meciel would actually find it amusing to mess around with the prisoners mind. She cannot/will not do it with Harry so I am sure she misses it

 

While Harry could give up the coin, he won't. Meciel is the only being to ever care about him and he wouldn't ever consider letting her go. He would take on Dumbledore, Voldemort, and the dreaded Bat Bogey Hex at the same time to keep her, and we all know that nothing can defeat the Bat Bogey Hex!

btw, did Shezza ever say where he keeps the coin now? He used to have it on a necklace and it was mentioned that other hosts insert it in their bodies, but I don't remember anything past that.

 

I think Shezza did mention at one point that Harry does now have the coin inserted somewhere in his body.

 

An update!

(If this is meant to be in the Review thread I'm sure a mod could be persuaded to move it.)

Scene 1/3

Repetition of "over". Perhaps replace the first "over" with "of"?

Missing space.

Missing space.

I don't know if you'll even want to bother adding loads of spaces, but I'll point them out anyway.

Typo.

I reckon "any" would work better here.

Space.

Space.

Scene 2/3

Another space.

Space and capitalisation.

Should be "her".

At first I thought the bitch to wake up on was Meciel, with Harry just having called her a bitch. Consider replacing "on a bitch" with something like "on an ugly bitch" or "in bed with a hag/crone".

Spaces.

Should be plural.

Scene 3/3

Doesn't read smoothly for some reason (the capital letter kind of breaks it up). It's probably grammatically correct but it made me pause for a moment when reading it. Anyway, it's ignorable so don't worry too much about it.

Spaces.

Extra "as" makes it flow better. "Heave" doesn't quite work in my opinion. At first I was wondering why she was being sick. Heaving is what her breasts are doing, so I suppose that Tonks is the one doing the heaving. Maybe "... when you're breathing like that", "... when you breathe as hard as that" - "heave" will do fine though, so it's not too important.

Spaces. (I think you're meant to have a space after ellipses, but it might just be personal preference.)

"This is" is singular. "Beginnings" is plural. I expect you meant to type "beginning". Also: full stop followed by lowercase. Fixing required. Full stop changing to a comma might work.

Spare full stop. Replace with space. (Heh, that rhymes.)

Compare to first "Scene 3/3" quotation (“What the hell were you doing?” Was the first thing Tonks bellowed). Punctuation signifying end of sentence followed by lowercase here, but previously followed by uppercase. Inconsistent.

Should be "now".

"What" is an interrogative word and should be followed by a question mark. It is also, however, an exclamation. Wikipedia says: If the need for urgency or illustration of higher confusion is needed, an exclamation point and a question mark should be used ("What!?") I think you should do that.

I think that's everything.


Good chapter, but more Meciel would have been nice. (She didn't even say anything this chapter, and was only referenced twice!)

 

I hate you... Whenever I get the little "Reply to post 'Denarian Lord- Story'" e-mail I always get a happy feeling inside... Then I come here and realize that there is no update. I am not amused.

 

It was him! I hate you now. When I become a werewolf again I'm gonna gut you and stick you up on a cross. Rip your arms off and string you up in a tree. Possibly something else... Maybe eat your liver too.

 

Mmm. Liver. Though I recommend the Heart myself.

 

What can also be just an exclamation.

 

Awesome, as always. I'd remove last line, or change what Dumbledore said, though. I mean, he should've said something like "You have no idea..." or keep his mouth shut.
I hope for more today!

 

[Cut/paste from Story thread, where I'd posted by mistake.]

Great start. The Harry/Tonks and Dumbledore/Tonks interaction shines. I only saw a couple little things:

“...bedroom, the sun peaking up from the horizon through the blood-splattered window.” probably should be “...bedroom; the sun peeking up over the horizon was visible through the blood-splattered window.” or “...bedroom, the sun peeking up over the horizon and through the blood-splattered window.” Gets the right "peeking" homonym and makes the window thing make sense.

Also, Dumbledore’s last line is a throwaway and probably should be sharpened some or dropped. I prefer the latter--it makes Tonks's calling Harry a mean little bastard the take-away.

 

While its good, I am really missing the lack of Meciel we have had lately.

Scene 1 was nice, looking forward to the next two scenes, really interested in seeing Harry back at Hogwarts, I miss Amanda's interaction with Harry, seeing what Dumbledore will teach Harry should be interesting as well.

I truly enjoyed the Harry/Tonks interaction as well, a nice balance of revulsion vs lulz for Tonks' view of Harry.

Edit: I agree, the last line is pretty meaningless.

 

Twas a good part-chapter, for a bit of filler anyway. The Dumbledore jokes had me cracking up for a good long while, so it's good to see you haven't lost your touch for humour . Looking forward to the next chapter, and I really do hope people stop posting in the story thread >_>.

 

Yeah, yeah. And I really do hope Raven would implement a "delete" option for within a few minutes of posting. Guess we'll both be disappointed. ;p

 

Nice chapter partial. Spotted a few typos and the like, but I'm sure others will comment on them.

I wonder how many people will go crazy on FF.Net because you've used the word nigger? Should be amusing to watch.

 

Nice, though, from someone who watches two and a half men; the jokes left me with a sour taste in my mouth.

 

[FONT=&quot]Tonks picked up [/FONT][FONT=&quot]a book and hurled it at him. Harry ducked behind the door and the book slammed into word, bouncing off onto the ground. The loud thud coincided with Harry’s loud, obnoxious laughter and Tonks gritted her teeth.[/FONT]

The most prominent typo I found was when you had the book slam into 'word'. I assume you meant 'wood'.

Otherwise great scene. I greatly enjoy your characterization of Tonks.
[FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

by day, but by night...

I liked it, but found you had to many hyphenated adjectives with man in the first paragraph. Nitpicking, I know, it just irked me. Shaggy-haired, mild-mannered, dark-skinned, off the top of my head.

I had to complain about that little thing because all the big things were so awesome. Dumbledore age jokes FTW, and I can't wait for Harry to tell everyone when he's worked out the Big Bang joke...

 

Dumbledore on the big bang: "Took long enough."