Alright, skipping ahead the last half a dozen of reviews, I'll say this.
The story is not without flaws, it is probably full of them.
That is why I post here, hoping that I'll get that one guy who says "That sucks, but if you do it that way, it'll be better."

Now, first off, yes, I did copy parts of the book and the dialogue to give you the impression that the story started pretty much the same.

And the reason I use 'blablabla' for dialogue is that Rowling does.
I don't think any other author does.

To the guy saying it's good I didn't use Hariett~.
I considered it first but it simply sounded horrible so I decided against it.

The "oops" thingy was quite hilarious.. If it wasn't serious, that is.

Now, since the majority of the people here are quite lame and fail to give constructive criticism and rather just say "Hey, you suck." I'll remove the story and fix up as best I can.

I do promise you though, that the result in the end will be intersting and original

 

Translated for clarity.

I lol'd.

 

/me can't decide whether to smash his own head on the desk or the OP's.

IT R CONUNDRUM!

I shall now gift this 'Story' with a review, It..... Failed..... Hard. You seem to be under the misguided impression that we want another crappy Fem!Harry story. If you got recommended to the site by someone, Please tell us their name so we can either kill them for making you seem to think we wanted this story on the site. Or so we can kill him for sending you to troll us. Either one works for me.

 

There are some stories which you can give constructive criticism to. Stories which are salvageable, stories that could be good with a few changes.

This story is not one of them. Some stories are just so bad, so irredeemable, that in order to make them good every single thing about said story would have to be different: the plot, the characterisation, the dialogue, the description, the pacing, the world, the narrative. Your story falls into this category.

Not to mention the fact that it's plagiarism.

 

Ouch. Maybe you should just give up writing altogether?

Or start a new story.. maybe if you just do everything the complete opposite of how you were originally going to write it, you'll get a good story? Maybe not.

 

I wasn't aware of this rule. Posting your own story here is a way to get reviews, and many authors have done it without problems.

*has posted her own stories on two occasions*

I'll back up the newb on this, it's unusual but it's the format JKR uses.

That kind of comment fails so hard even the opening post looks like a masterpiece in comparison. And I mean the original post, the one with the retarded format.

God I hate the 'u suk at life go kill urself' line. At least try to show a modicum of relevance and, if possible, something vaguely resembling intelligence when you insult someone.

o_o link?

Or are you just speaking in general, as in "canon rehearsal" and "clichéd story"?

 

I was speaking in terms of the fact that large quantities of the chapter are canon copy/paste jobs (as shown by the "boy" slip up).

 

I think it's better when female does the sucking.

I doubt there is such rule, but recommending your own work is... quite lame. Author is rarely best judge for their work. As for reviews, I guess you're right, didn't think of that.

 

That's why it fails. If we were content with canon we wouldn't read fanfiction.

 

While I disagree on the fact that the author's putting up their own stories for reviews is lame, this is perhaps the wrong section. The fic should of gone up in the WBA section.

I see no problem with authors posting fics up for reviews either way.

 

No, not really. Rowling put a lot more effort into it. Small little bits of dialogue and thoughts and whatnot. What the author did was take the important lines, swap it for Hannah, and then chuck in Dumbledore and McGonagall.

Whereas reading canon I was given an enjoyable first two chapters (some of my favourite out of the whole series, to be honest), with good characterization, some lulzy parts, good description and so on.

While I don't want a drawn out rerun of the first part of the book, I certainly don't want a badly cut and pasted, hugely shortened version with a small twist that was hardly elaborated on.

Honestly, I'll check in on this if another chapter is posted. I'm not a fan of Fem!Harry or what the author has so far, but they say they have an original idea. I could really use an original idea. If however, the story continues to fail as badly as it did in this chapter, I'll stop and recommend it the idea gets posted as a challenge instead (should it prove to be a good idea).

And Taure, Fem!Harry does suck. Unless of course, It's Fem!Harry/Fleur (or Daphne, or Patil Twins etc).

 

No, he is correct. Fem!Harry is only cool when its Harry/Fem!Harry.

 

So in effect what you're saying is that fem!Harry sucks except when it doesn't...

Which was kinda my point.

 

What is sad is how people sit here, accusing me of being stupid when they Do Not Get What I Am Saying themselves.
There is a reason why I copied and pasted certain parts.. Did you notice that as the story progresses that happens less?
Now, I had to get past this first part, I couldn't just start with Hannah going to Hogwarts and in the process, I may have bits boring. Thanks for that info, I'll work on it.
Now, in the future, a message too all flamers... Either give me constructive criticism (Or at least something that brings something to the discussion) or please sod off.

 

"My story isn't bad! You just don't understand it!"

 

Fixed that for you.

Telling you to stop writing is really a kindness. We're doing you a favour in avoiding a trainwreck when we tell you to start all over again with a new idea.

 

I don't think you understand what we are attempting to drill into your terminally softened skull.

We think your story sucks. We think that it is irredeemable, and you cannot possibly improve it unless you delete it. We have also offered certain other pieces of advice, such as find a new idea, and then work on that.

That is our constructive criticism.

 

This misunderstanding would be mostly my fault. When I first read this forum name I read "recommendations", not "For Review", and this belief was confirmed by quality of posted stories (this is first I've seen here that fails so much). Maybe it would be a good idea to split this forum into two parts, one for authors to get reviews and second for recommendations to library? But then, that would be what WbA is for, isn't it?

Ha, it wasn't just me.

This shouldn't happen at all. If most of your story is copy/paste from another you can't really call it your own. And no, I didn't notice, I just stopped reading when I realised I could read almost the same plot with better narration in HPaPS book.

 

This may just be how I interpret the rules here but isn't the For Review section for stories that people believe are good while the Work By Author section for the stories that people want to improve?