Title: The New Year
Author: DesiDoodles
Rating: M
Genre: Action/Adventure/Romance
DLP Category: Would end up in Dark Arts for later chapters.
Pairing: HG/DM
Status: Work in Progress
Summary: First off, this is my first fanfiction and I've already got negative feedback on DM and HG, but i'm sure there are a select few who will appreciate it. The actual summary: "Hermione Granger goes off to India for the summer. Upon returning to Hogwarts, she is somewhat more than when she left in her 6th year. On New Years Eve, everything changes."
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3895592/1/The_New_Year

 

...Oh, lol.

 

I'm reading the first chapter. Its not written badly. But the content doesn't seem very promising... and there is absolutely no hook at all.

 

@First reply:What an adequate response.

I wasn't sure where I was going with it when I first started, I have a better idea now.

 

Ah, you've written it.

Then here is some advice: India is not Britain. There would not be a neat market, cobblestone-d and with a clean fountain at its center. If you use another country, be it India or anywhere else, try to at least inject some description of the place in your story, be it 'truthful' or merely imaginary. As it reads, there is no real background for the events, and that, so far, is one of its greatest failings.

 

Was going to say the same thing.

The main thing with this is that it's like one of those Indy!Harrys that gets abandoned after the first few chapters. So far, it's been a bunch of nothing, and then there's an encounter with Pansy Parkinson, who shows up literally out of nowhere. After that, it forecasts training for the near future, which makes me want to go find something more interesting. It's just kind of... dull, so far.

Also, LMAO.

 

Oh lawdy.

What an epic fail. Shameless self-plug. HG/DM. Probably going to be 'Dark' Herman. Dull and lifeless.

1/5 Just because I can't give it 0/5

 

I believe you mean the Recycle Bin.

 

Thanks for the constructive criticism.

 

Most welcome. That's about as constructive as it gets when your story is that bad.

I might be wrong though.

They might just outright delete the thread altogether.

 

Less than 3 stars usually get deleted. Though sometimes the Mods get lazy and just launch it in the Bin.

 

Non-Harry centric: -1
HG/DM: -1
Draco Malfoy as one of the main characters, and portrayed in a good light: -2

Your fic starts off at 1/5 already.

I skimmed through the first three chapters and saw nothing to change my vote. Hermione's on her way to Sue-dom what with the intense "training" that would undoubtedly make her hawt and unbelievably powerful in the span of a summer.

 

Excellent guess.

 

While the criticism is welcome, so is construction. Any takers on what I could do to turn it around? Other than kill off Draco and marry Hermione to Harry.

 

I liked the part where you killed off the entire Weasley family in a sentence.

 

God why would you post this garbage.

I can't criticize it because the very idea behind it is wrong.

 

No, marriage between Hermione and Harry is wrong too.

I advise you to kill off Draco and Hermione... its probably the only way this fic could turn decent.

Unfortunately, that leaves us without a story, doesn't it?

 

Killing Draco, and gruesomely, mind you, would be a start. But I don't think I'd like this version of Hermione to be paired with Harry, despite being a H/Hr fan. I think killing her off is a better option.

But seriously, I see no way to save this. Only thing I constructive I can suggest is to read some of the fics in the Library or Work By Author section and see how a well-written one looks like.
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Ok, well I'll start off saying I hate the idea of your fic; however I did feel that you were getting the raw end of the deal since usually DLP will give some form of constructive criticism despite how badly your fic may suck (and yours really does.) That being said I'm now reading it since it's only 10k words. I will review each chapter as I finish reading it. Just as a side note as well, I know that I and a lot of other member prefer longer chapters and not chapters that are only 1.5k words each. Just something to keep in mind.

Chapter 1

I'll start off with asking if this is HBP compliant? If so then why is Hermione so out of character. At the end of HBP she was a bitch (Snape/prince thing) however she still cared very much for both Harry and Ron. In the opening you have her not feeling "connected", I feel as if I missed a lot here since I see no reason she would feel that way. Don't give some bull shit reason like they were writing half-hearted letters, they always have and they have always been great friends before now. If it's not HBP compliant then what the fuck.

Next up is Hermione wanting to cut loose a little. While I find this in general to be believable, things such as

is not believable from canon Hermione. At this point in the story it looks like your turning Hermione into a complete Mary-Sue. While I may not like Hermione in the books, I would prefer that Hermione than to somebody butchering her character like it appears your doing right now.

Oh just something else that's nitpicking

I would expect somebody as smart as Hermione to realize that that's an awful idea since it guarantees her being burned since she is oiled up and she's taking a nap under extremely hot sun.

Chapter 2

What the fuck? This is easily the most ooc thing I've seen so far and that's saying a lot. Every other time she goes on vacation she visits the culture first thing, and yet a week as gone by and she hasn't seen anything yet? Completely unbelievable, and the Mary-Sue self insert theory is gaining strength.

Dark Arts? You do realize that Hermione criticized Harry for using a lesser Dark Arts curse on Malfoy right? You also realize that that was less then a year away. What on earth makes her want to learn Dark Arts? Your lack of plausible explanation for so many things is making your story seem completely far-fetched. I'll give you that the only thing wrong with the Hermione-Pansy interaction was lack of anything interesting. It really seems like you might have just copied and pasted the cliche Death-Eater-in-training dialogue. Why doesn't Hermione wonder why Pansy is there however? In the first chapter she is positive she won't run into anybody she knows, yet a week later she runs into somebody.

Oh, and you just let the reader know that this isn't HBP compliant. I really don't even know how to react to that.

Chapter 3

Hermione beats Lucius in a duel? Complete and utter bullshit. I can't believe you turned him into an incompetent duelist that got beaten that easily. Even with the training Hermione has been doing every day, training =/= real dueling experience; also, kicking his kneecap in? Has she been receiving some martial arts training now as well? Why don't you just make her a fucking god and get it over with?

Overall this has been the shittiest chapter so far. Hermione was ooc before, but now she's ooc with the skills of somebody who has been dueling for 30 years or so. You sure there isn't a time turner scene in there somewhere that you forgot to add?

Oh and killing off the entire Weasley family in one sentence was lulzy

Chapter 4

Malfoy's in the order? You must have had some weird prequels that you haven't let the reader read since I know the canon Malfoy wouldn't be in the Order.

When has Hermione ever done anything but suck authorities' dick? She doesn't even have a reason to be pissed at the Order. Really, are you sure you didn't forget to post the prequel that's an AU?

LOL, this is such bullshit. I don't know how on earth you could even justify this.

Last point for this chapter is why does the POV change to Malfoy's for the last two sentences?

Chapter 5

And the self-insert Mary-Sue returns.

So your saying that one of the two most powerful people in the wizarding world is "ruffled" by an 18 year old nerd? Clearly in character I can see.

Wow, way to make Harry a pussy, didn't you just say a few chapters ago that Harry was stronger then Hermione? Why yes you did, in fact here it is

You can't even keep the completely out of character characters that you have in character.

Capitalize that I.

Alright, you now have Harry of all people telling Hermione that they can't grieve. What characters from what books are you using, because you do remember that Harry was the one who spent forever being a bitch of Sirius dieing right? God, I don't know why I'm continuing to read this shit.

Chapter 6

Fix the I again.

Were you really serious about Hermione telling Harry to be more observant about looking out a window, that had the curtains drawn, to see that it was just after dawn? This must be a self-insert because she is really just as idiotic as you.

Good to see that she's now a brilliant spell creator as well. When does she get to shoot fireballs out of her eyes and have the power to crack the world in half?

Chapter 7

Wow, I'm really impressed you resisted the urge to have both Harry and Hermione win their duels. Though Harry even knocking Moody out was completely unbelievable; and honestly, what are the chances of a demi-god losing to Snivellus? Don't have anything more to say except thank fucking god I'm done.

Conclusion

The tl;dr version is you all were right. This story is a self-insert Mary-Sue that is absolutely horrible. I wish I could give it a negative score, however I'll settle for 1/5. I will never read any more of it so hopefully you'll take this final piece of advice from me. Delete this story and start again with a Harry centric fic.

 

Ok. It's a first fanfiction, and first fanfics usually aren't the best fanfics.

My suggestions, all of which have been stated before in previous threads:

1. Read good fiction or fanfiction. See why the stories are good.
2. Be a grammar nazi.
3. Make an outline for the whole story.
4. Get beta readers.
5. The characters must be believable.
6. Edit and re-edit vigorously. The first draft is just that-- a first draft.
7. Have a hook. Why should we be interested in the story?
8. Active voice good. Passive voice bad.
9. Adverbs are evil.
10. Never be afraid to cater to the audience. If you know people want Draco to die, kill Draco. And be descriptive. If you know people want Snape to die, kill Snape. And be descriptive. If you know people want Fleur to be naked, write it. And be descriptive. Just be believable.
11. When you cater to the audience, cater very sparingly. It's better to have the audience wanting more. Too much can be overkill.