It seems emotions can cloud angels' judgement too.

When will we see next chapter? It's quite mean to tell us that there are six parts of trap and stop after first.

 

So unless I read that wrong, shouldn't the Sword of the Cross be unmade now because of an apparent coldblooded murder. I'm a little hazy on the specifics of the unmaking so I could be wrong.

 

The thing that nags me was that there was no such suicidal recklesness on her part with Vesper and in DK. There is a lack of consistency in Meciels reactions so to speak.

Obviously I don't know what Shezza has planned. It is possible that Tessa&Rosanna have done something worse to Meciel than Vesper did which would explain why she is so much more irrational in her anger and hatred here. Or there could be some other explanation. My worry is that if Meciel wants Tessa&Rosanna dead because they committed the same crimes towards her that Vesper did, then why did Meciel not act like this then.

I think the enemy has to be innocent. Given that this guy was serving a Denarian we can pretty much guarantee that he was not one.

 

Since I'm waiting for food:

As a wave of flame ... what?

Why the hyphen?

Boredom?

Shouldn't it be for?

his

Unless the guard lost a finger, you should lose the y.

“Please…I have…family,” the man was gasping
I'm not sure which is correct, but not both.

slid out of

If I remember correctly, that comma should be a period since shrugging isn't a speaking action.

The hyphen, again

A glimpse of

 

In DK Meciel had at least two reasons to wait. The first was Harry's training - before he learnt what AD's grimoire consisted TR and Vesper would give him tons of trouble, especially together. White Council was second, but I guess even more important, reason. Imagine how much trouble would they give to Harry should he not finish his OWL's.

 

The sword will be unmade when he kills an innocent with the sword, not just kills an innocent in general.

 

Enh I'm kinda losing interest at this point. Just one thing after another after another and little else. Why the fuck would he follow the traps? That's just retarded.

 

Because Meciel asked him to. The real question is why did she? Is she so confident in his abilities? Is she so blinded with rage?

 

Read it, enjoyed it. Not much else to say really.

I'm definitely looking forward to what's coming, especially since I know a lot of what's going to happen.

 

This just stood out to me while reading, it should be gut...

I found the image of a person being blasted by mines like a pinball around a room quite funny.

 

My English is not very good, but I was bored. So here are some little mistakes I spotted.

It should be under. Or you can add something to the end of the sentence.

The hyphen.

Blazing.

I think 'as' would be more appropriate.

Smashed? Maybe shattered? or struck?

'Harry spared them a glance'.

Either 'which lay on the ground' or remove the 'which'.

Shouldn't that be 'for'?

'outweighed by his experience'.

Pinky?

'Gut'?

'fast'

'Curling'.

'Casting'? And why the hyphen?

Rib? Ribs?


The chapter on the whole (as much as you've posted, yet), though, is as good as any.
I'm really curious at Meciel's change in character and what is going to be Verrine's fate?


EDIT: Oops. Seems World has already pointed out a couple of these.

 

Great to see another update, already can't wait for more.

I guess a missing dot. Or something more, this sentence doesn't "feel" right to me.

I do wonder how did he watch Animal Planet when he was twelve. He had appartment with no electricity, after all. And he couldn't exactly go to friend to watch, too.

Missing "was" ?

 

"Surrounded himself with a wall" or remove the "surrounded".

You missed the full-stop.

"down his forehead and into" maybe? and "surging river below Harry's feet"? The "that was" just seems wrong.

"as something hurled itself at him in a streak of gray"? or "as a streak of gray hurled itself at him"?

I'm sure I missed a couple and my replacement suggestions could use some work, but this is the best I could do. Toodles!

 

You might be missing a much ie, too much luck for it to be luck.

Or it should read too lucky for it to be luck.

 

The chapter was cool, but was rather overshadowed by me constantly thinking of better ways Harry could have dealt with the problems. Bubble-head charm for the water, normal fighting for the animals, Arresto Momentum for the falling debris, flame freezing charm/cushioning charms/impervius for the explosions, etc.

 

Water, I thought bubble head charm at the start too, but it seems like a raging torrent, which could = him being smashed on rocks, or eaten by sharks.

Consider Harry's state when he was doing his stuff, as well. DId he have the power or time to slow the debris, which seemed to be falling quite rapidly.

Flame freezing and cushioning charms... would hardly work against extreme kinetic force propelling little lead balls. No idea on the impervius. Shield charm seems to work the same.

As for the scene... well... its a fight scene, or a Harry gets beaten the shit up, scene, nothing really to comment about on it.

 

Next parts out guys

 

As usual, great update and can't wait for more. If it was real Rosanna who died (and not one of her slaves polyjuiced/whatevered to look like her), I loved it. I mean, I hoped you wouldn't have every fight ending with an epic duel between Harry and "Boss".

 

Yeah, definitely a fan of the anti-climatic death of Rosanna. Lack of duelling ability is presumably why she had all those traps and servants.

Not so sure about Harry letting Verrine live. I guess it works rationally in that Harry needs her, but Harry must also know rationally that it's inevitable that she'll betray him again. I should also think that he wouldn't be thinking all too rationally after that fight.

All in all, I think Harry would have killed her, but him not killing her isn't such a stretch either. It works, if the plot requires her to live.

 

What Taure said here, basically.

However, I have another concern. You wanted Harry to distrust Meciel a bit, in this chapter, correct? Maybe you could add some subtle Harry bashing Meciel, like, I didn't want to come here in the first place, why the fuck did you make me, maybe when he has that whole rant about how he is going to show... Rosanna? I think it was, how low he could sink?

I mean, the way you had it before, was WAY over the top, but you could add it subtly, and then have Meciel confirm admit her mistake next chapter, while they are recovering or something? Stuff like that.

Just a few thoughts on the matter, really.

<filler> <-- I want some, literally.