Despite hating this formula of plot and your characterisation of Harry, it's well written and still just about worth reading.

My biggest problem is that Harry just seems far too gung-ho. He arrives back in time and immediately informs EVERYONE, gets in two random arguments with Fudge and Malfoy that would surely raise suspicions and then blows a large hole into Azkaban to retrieve Sirius. Where is the subtlety and stealth he would have needed to stay alive fleeing from Voldemort for so long? Not to mention the fact that everybody just accepts that he's actually illegally from the future and not just cursed, confounded or polyjuiced which seem one hell of alot more likely.

 

This story is ok 3.5/5

 

QFE. He's going around saving everyone and is Jesus reborn...yeah, it's not that realistic.

Edit: I do like the story in general, though, and will be following your updates.

 

Hmm, I actually like time-travel fics and redos. I like the concept a lot, and I think there are great possibilities within both. That said, I’m hearing grumblings and I was somewhat wary in my reading.

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The Harry and Ron combination, in their future selves, to me would have been far cooler if it had been Charlie instead of Ron. I can easily see that switch in my mind and for the most part I do. The Characterization is far closer to what I would consider for a malignant Charlie. Ron should be on the wall, in my opinion, but then I have a severe case of hatred for Ron. Also Ron’s adamant statements about Hermione, make me frown. It rings false in my ears, I would believe Harry more. But again, I’m somewhat blind in reference to Ronniekins.​

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The Story otherwise is rather well put together, the first part of the first chapter has a rather nice flow to it. Sadly, it gets quickly bogged up. Though I’m confused, because suddenly Ron’s characteristics show up out of nowhere as though he was still a fifth year. Personally I was fully expecting Voldemort to laugh in his face for his pathetic attempt at an insult, but whatever.​

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Harry in the chamber... Harry is not Ron. ​

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Spoiler

Also he sounds like an effing twat. I do not believe, that someone who has had the experience Harry supposedly has while in the future, waltzes all confident-like against Riddle. If anything he should be more on guard, time should have taught him to be wary, not bold. It lacks survival instinct, which he has.

Next: Harry blowing up the basilisk might, might have been cool. Had some of the poison flown and hit Ginny, or possibly a fang impaling her. That would have been cool and made sense, but no, no one was hit with anything. I was disappointed.

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I’d also like to echo Ip82’s thoughts on Harry’s character at this point.​

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Quote:

Spoiler

“I’m unarmed, Professor,” he said, looking at McGonagall, “please would you lower your wand. I have Ginny and Ron Weasley with me, and I have quite a tale to tell you.”

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Groan... and face to hand.​

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Skimming ahead and reading a few passages I get a lot of continues WTFs while reading this fic. I actually couldn’t bring myself to keep reading it past chapter three. ​

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1/5. It’s salvageable with a great deal of re-write, but as it currently stands I would not recommend this. No way.


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I’ve read your story and I’ll tell you my thought about it:<o></o>
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The first chapter was okay, it was a typical start chapter for time travel. Fight, dead, timeturner…nothing new, but that isn’t a terrible thing. It is well written and you can´t have always something new to start with and if it works, why not use it?<o></o>
The death scene was pretty good, the memories…well I thought this was kind of boring with the cottage, but useful with Dumbledore etc. because we learn what happened in YOUR past-future…you get the drift.<o></o>
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The mind prison idea was really good and fun and his actions understandable, but after that…<o></o>
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Most thing were mentioned already, he informs too many people and his character etc..<o></o>
I hope you write the fallout soon.
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It is a decent read and I give it a 3.5/5 with room for improvement in the next chapters.<o></o>

 

Chapter 7 is up and I don´t really know what to think about it.

So much happened (SPOILER ALARM!):
Voldemort comes back (gets a real body), Dumbledore and Harry have a "talk" about Harry´s behavior...

I don´t really know what to make out of this chapter *sigh*

The next chapter should be very important, as for what YOU make out of this chapter.

I´m right now indifferent and wait for the next chapter before I pass judgement

*smile*
But it was well written

 

I've tried to take your criticisms to heart, as they are indeed valid. Chapter seven was more about mildly retconning Harry's behaviour and setting it up to get the story back in line with reality around chapter eight.

I've had reviews saying that it has done just that, so I'm hopeful that I've succeeded in my endevour to please the rich tastes of the DLP reviewers XD

Anyway chapter eight is going to be given a lot of thought so that I can nail the characterisation this time. This is my first really fic and I'm still struggling with some of the things like that

EDIT: In a vaguely related note, my friend edited the entire first chapter into something horrific. Adult themes, graphic depictions of sex+rape+violence, swearing. Also hilarity. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4282783/1/Hairy_Twatter_and_the_Horrific_Omake

 

From the Potter Law thread.

Are you serious?

 

I changed it. PotterLaw is a good way to learn when you're typing like a 12 year old fangirl.

 

I dunno. Dumbledore's outburst and his argument with Harry seemed kind of.. out of character, what with all the blunt and to the point things he was slinging around.

 

OK I've rewritten chapters 3, 4 and 5 somewhat using the things you intelligent reviewers have said. Harry doesn't try to first-name everyone in chapter three, doesn't go all military ("Hold your fire!") and tries not to act all gung ho. I hope the changes have had an effect (just a skim through by someone who read the old chapter would be great).

Four has had the Draco scene changed.
Five has had the Draco scene changed. - They both are more toned down and less about Harry getting petty revenge.

I've also managed to get formatting working - there are section breaks. I'll stick them in the rest of my chapters soon. Chapter 12 is being written, 8 is being beta'd. I have exams this week, so updates will be a while.

EDIT: I AM HEAVILY REWRITING THOSE CHAPTERS CURRENTLY - I WILL POST WHEN THEY ARE CHANGED. A big thanks to Mephisto for his help.

Thanks again for the help you guys

 

Edit: I simply changed the aspect of this post and sent my more in depth review directly to the author. ​

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I took a second look at this writing and this time around I was able to actually read the whole thing. I’ve seen the new rewritten chapters, and though there are improvements many of the same ailments still apply. ​

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The story is still pissing me off on a regular basis and I keep coming across “WTF moments” with equally annoying repetition. Harry’s character is still too childish, his mental age is obviously more 13 than 22. More or less everything that IP82 said previously is still applicable. ​

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The changes that have been made to chapters 3, 4 and 5 are more touch ups than actual rewrites from what I can gather. The same problems that have been mention in this thread about those chapters, before they were “rewritten” still apply.​

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As I was able to read all seven chapters this time around, I’ll raise my rating from my previous assessment to a 2.6/5. It’s still not good enough for the library and I still don’t think that I can’t recommend it. The story pisses you off too often and that’s just inviting the reader to drop it. ​

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Not badly done. Still haven't read much but thought I'd comment a bit on the beginning. Not a big fan of summarizing all that happened before the story starts. It's really better to have reflections pop up and slight hints throughout, but that is mine. Having to read through a few paragraphs on how the world all went to hell, sort of let my eye wander.

And, actually agreed with Ron Weasly. Harry was an utter tool for trying to start up a discussion about Hermione while they were hunting Horcruxes.

On the plus side, I rather liked that you had Ron attack Harry while under the imperius curse. So many people want to make Ron evil. It just never seemed to be much of his character, he was a jealous prat when he was fifteen, but ultimately he stands by Harry. However, I could see him, when not under his own control, attack Harry. And canon Ron was always susceptible to the Imperius Curse.

I'll keep this fic in mind. But, once again, you may want to watch your summarizing. Starting a fic with a summary is sort of boring. Summarizing can be good, can help move a fic along and provide base knowledge, but when it is too early I loose interest.

Still, decent and not poorly written.

 

I have no idea if DLP readers are still following this, but there have been 3 chapter updates since the last post (one more within the next week) and some rewrites centered around DLP critique (which I consider to be the highest quality of criticism I have recieved), so if you were interested you can give it a look. If not, sorry for the necro.

One question from someone who I swear was from DLP ("Darak", I'm sure I've seen the name...) who said
"1) Voldemort getting to know from Harry's link how to summon demons when Harry doesn't know how to do so in the first place is quite farfetched. And no Voldemort getting more power from the link wouldn't give him that knowledge."

Voldemort doesn't get the knowledge from the link, the idea is that the strength Harry gets from the timetravel is transferred down it, making Voldemort more capable in his "spirit form".

EDIT: Fair enough Demonsinthenight, this is why I need DLP critique, I was planning to cut out the muggle weaponry within a few chapters anyway. I'm sick of the OMFG UPDATE PLZ BS you get on FF.net, I need stuff like this

 

I tried reading this.

Couldn't get past the magical guns in the first chapter.

Guns do not belong in Harry Potter.

 

Honestly, I've just got up to the most current chapter and finished it, and I love it.

The enchantment rings I could do without, they hardly serve a purpose, and the gun is questionable, but it's nothing I have a problem with. The "future" characterization of Ron is really well-done, it's believable, while at the same time not making him a fucking loser.

I also like what you've got going with Sirius, Remus, and Snape.

All in all, 4/5

 

They're part of the plot, bear with me. I didn't put them in "just becoz theyre kool" like one of my helpful FF reviewers said

 

If "magical weapons" are important to the plot in such a way that you can't remove them, it's not a very good plot, now is it?

 

Because you know the plot, right?

 

Wow. Interesting chapter update, but, really man?

You left your readers like that? Come on.