Since when is anyone here at DLP normal? :awesome

 

The only three jokes I can remember off the top of my head, taken from a picture book I had when I was five:

Why did Mickey throw his alarm clock out the window?

Spoiler

He wanted to see time fly

What do you call a sleeping bull?

Spoiler

A bulldozer

What do you call a big bird on your lawn?

Spoiler

A lawn-moa

I actually won a prize from a radio station for ringing in with the middle one

 

Yeah, we call painkillers panadol here. So yeah. -_-

Artenry, that was fucking gold man. Absolutely awesome. You win this thread.

 

Yeah they do.

 

Chili Cook-Off
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

Note : Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting $&$&-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.
At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI......
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

 

I've tried a Texan style chili dish once in my life. Never. Again. Still, that was fucking amusing .

 

Holy shit Artenry that was fucking hilarious, I think I cracked a rib.

 

My contribution:

--
Six dwarfs [snow white] went to meet the Pope, with Grumpy trailing behind grumpily. When they met the pope the bowed deeply, murmured among themselves and asked:
"Heavenly Father, are there nuns in Antarctica?"
The Pope answered, "Yes, there are some nuns in Antarctica."

The dwarfs bowed deeply, murmured among themselves and asked:
"Heavenly Father, are there black nuns in Antarctica?"
The Pope answered, "Yes, I believe there are few black nuns in Antarctica."

The dwarfs bowed deeply, murmured among themselves and asked:
"Heavenly Father, are there midget, black nuns in Antarctica?"
The Pope answered, "No, I don't believe there are."

The dwarfs rejoiced and cheered: "Haha, Grumpy fucked a penguin!"

 

Nearly gave myself a concussion against the wall from leaning backwards in laughter.

Grubdubdub, I salute you.

 

Sanchez was a brick layer. He was known through out the lands as the best brick layer. Sanchez could build great big houses down to lowly rock walls.

Now a rich man heard of Sanchez's skill, and sent for him.

When Sanchez found out the rich man wanted to meet him, he was very excited. He ran back to his wife at home and told her to gather all his architectural equipment. He wanted to be ready to impress the rich man, so he would keep his reputation as the best brick layer in the country.

Rushing out to the house of the rich man, Sanchez was directed out to the veranda by the rich man's staff.

Sitting on the veranda was the imperious rich man waiting for Sanchez.

The rich man had a reputation for being extrememly difficult, but very generous if everything went according to his plans. So Sanchez steeled himself, and asked the rich man what he could do for him.

The rich man looked upon Sanchez, and didn't say anything. With each passing second, Sanchez grew more and more anxious, until finally the rich man spoke.

He wanted Sanchez to build him a house out of solid gold. A grand and impressive house that wouldn't ever be replicated. But he wouldn't pay Sanchez any money until it was all complete. He wouldn't hand over a single peso until the last gold brick was layed. He told Sanchez three times to make sure he completely understood.

Once he'd made himself clear, he told Sanchez that he'd repay him triple the amount it cost him to get the gold bricks and build the house.

So Sanchez sets out. He's on a high. After this job, he and his wife would never have to work or struggle ever again. He'd never have to lay another brick in his life, and his wife wouldn't ever have to work in the rich people's kitchens.

Sanchez planned and calculated for months, and finally he got the house just the way he wanted it. The only problem was that he only had enough money for the correct amount of golden bricks. If he messed up or lost a brick he wouldn't be able to buy another.

He set out and got his golden bricks, and moved them out to the build site. Very carefully he started to build. Brick after brick, Sanchez built the golden house.

Days, weeks, months passed. From sun up to sun down Sanchez worked tirelessly. With no money to pay extra workers, Sanchez's work went slowly, but he made progress each day.

A year passed and the time for Sanchez to lay the last golden brick finally came.

Only Sanchez couldn't find the brick. He searched high and low all over the build site. He knew he had gotten the correct amount of golden bricks. Frantically Sanchez searched the build site, but alas he couldn't find the elusive golden brick.

Defeated Sanchez made his way back to the rich man.

Depressed and broken Sanchez told the rich man, he completed the house except for one last golden brick. He could complete the house if he only had a little bit more money. On his knees Sanchez begged the rich man for only a little bit of money to get another golden brick to complete the house. He told the rich man that he could take the amount for the golden brick out of the money he would pay Sanchez for completing the house.

The rich man looked at Sanchez and told him very slowly that he would only pay him after the house had been completed.

Sanchez made his way back home bankrupt.