The joke... it's on you.

 

...

Better nate than lever.

 

An elderly man boards the first class cabin on a trans-national train. He quickly made himself comfortable. Sitting down he ordered a scotch and opened his newspaper to the business section.

After a few minutes the man pulled out a cigar. Reaching into his coat pocket he grabbed his box of matches and lit the cigar with slow deliberate puffs.

Going back to his newspaper the old man sat back and sipped his scotch. Suddenly he heard someone have a coughing fit. Ignoring it he continued checking his financial options.

The coughing continued, and the old man grew more and more annoyed. Finally folding his paper over, the elderly man looked over to where the coughing was coming from.

Across from him sat an angry looking woman and her small dog, who was waving a hand in front of her face, and fake coughing.

The old man stared at the woman in disbelief for a few seconds before putting his face behind his paper again.

The lady made a noise of offense, and the man looked out again this time questioning the woman if he could help her.

At his query the woman told him he could throw out his cigar giving the reason that he wasn't the only one to use the cabins air.

The old man just snorted and told the woman he'd had a long day and needed some relaxation for a few minutes.

They went back and forth over the cigar, until the the woman gave him an ultimatum. She told him to put out the cigar or she'd throw it out the window.

Sneering the old man told her that she'd regret throwing his cigar out the window, and he went back to his newspaper.

Suddenly his paper was torn from his hands and thrown down on the ground. The lady snatched his cigar from his mouth, opened a window and tossed his cigar out the window.

She sat down and smiled condescendingly at the elderly man.

A furious look quickly passed from the man's face. Calmly he picked up his paper and folded it. Setting it aside he stood up. Crossing over to the lady, he quickly grabbed up her little dog and shoved it out the window.

Shrieking like a banshee the lady was overcome with grief over her dog even as they pulled into the station.

As people gathered around trying to figure out what happened the whole story was explained.

Suddenly people started making surprised noises and told everyone to look down the train tracks.

Out in the distance a small animal was making its way towards the station. As the animal got closer the lady exclaimed with joy that it was her dog.

When the dog was still off a ways some people noticed that something was in it's mouth.

When the dog finally got to the station. The lady picked it up. Curiously she pulled out the object in the dog's mouth.

Everyone was crowded around her asking what it was.

Rubbing some dirt off of it she gasped in astonishment.

The dog had found Sanchez's lost golden brick.

 

Nope. Someone told me at work one day. I had the same reaction though if it make you feel better.

 

... why the fuck are you still posting in this thread?

gtfo

 

Thanks for reminding me of that supreme waste of time.

 

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.​

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.​

 

When I got to the New Zealand one, I LOL'd in real life. That's pretty hilarious, Illution.

 

Why did Frosty the Snowman pull his pants down?

Spoiler

He heard the snowblower coming.

Why doesn't Santa have any children?

Spoiler

Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down a chimney.

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

 

I remember this joke being told to me by my friends when I was about eight or nine. D:

***

Three guys are camping in the woods, when they realize they've run out of food. Guy #1 says, "Don't worry guys, I'll be right back!" and runs out to go catch some food. He comes back an hour later cut and bleeding. The other two guys jump up and exclaim, "holy shit, what happened to you?!"

The first guy says, "Well, I found boar tracks, followed them and followed them, and caught a boar! Wasn't too easy though..."

The second guy is kind of jealous of this feat, so he tells the guys to hold on while he goes to get dessert. He comes back two hours later, bruised, battering, and sporting a broken leg.

"Holy shit! What the hell happened to you?!" the other two guys ask.
"Well, I found bear tracks, followed them and followed them, and shot a bear... after I found the abandoned rifle."

After the two guys set the injured man down, the third one, even more jealous of the last two, declares he's going to town to get medical equipment.

Six hours later, the third guy returns to the campsite. His nose is broken, blood gushing from it, he's got two black eyes, an arm and a leg is broken, and he's missing a chunk of his right ear.

Gaping at him, the first two guys ask what the fuck happened to him. Slurring a little, the third guy replied, "Well, I was walking back to town when I found some tracks. I followed them and followed them and got hit by a train."

 

I just heard this one and it made me cackle happily:

Q: What do Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy, and Barack Obama have in common?

Spoiler

A: Nothing... yet.

 

My Biology teacher actually told the class that, one day.