Nigga' jokes => in no particular order

How do you stop Justblaise a nigger from drowning?
Take your foot off the back of his head.

What is a nigger?
Proof that skunks fuck monkeys.

How many niggers does it take to pave a driveway?
One if you spread him real thin.

Why don't nigger women wear panties to picnics?
To keep the flies off the chicken.

Why did the nigger carry a piece of shit in his wallet?
I.D.

Why did god create orgasms?
So niggers know when to stop.

Whats blue and hangs in my front yard?
My nigger I can paint him whatever color I want.

What do you say when you see your T.V. floating around at night?
"Drop it nigger."

What does Pontiac stand for?
Poor Old Niggers Think Its A Cadillac.

Why do niggers drive with their windows up?
They think the smell is coming from outside.

:awesome

 

Sexist joke.

What is the first thing a woman should do once she's back from the hospital?

The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.

 

Mahatma Gandhi could be perceived to be a wise Hindu, who walked everywhere he went with bare feet, followed a strict diet and fasted a lot, which might have given him a poor constitution and a bad breath.

This would make him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

Props to those who catch the reference.

 

I hate that fucking word.

 

Q: What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon and George W. Bush?

A: Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Dubya doesn't know the difference.


George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal and he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a long white beard, long white hair and carrying two stone tablets in his arms.

He approached the man and asked reverently, "Aren't you Moses?"
But the man wouldn't listen to him and continued walking. George asked him again, ''Aren't you Moses?''



The old man continued ignoring him, even turning his back on little Bush. George grabs the man's arm, looks him right in the eye and insists, "Answer me -- Aren't you Moses?"



The man replies, "I'm not saying a thing! The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up roaming the desert for 40 years!"

Edit: I am now a Squib

 

Spoiler

That Mary Poppins Song?

A horny couple were walking around in a park one early evening with their hands all over each other when the chick suddenly felt the urge to take a piss.

After a quick scan of the area and on seeing no one else around, they both agreed she should take a piss in the bushes. While the chick went behind the bush, the guy begun to imagine the in the most compromising of positions as she bent down to pull up her skirt and slide down her lace panties. He imagined her smooth ass exposed and her pussy lips being wet as her urine passed out.

This was too much for him to bear so he decided to slide his hand through the bush and stroke her as she peed. So he shoved his hand through the bush and touched her ankle. He slowly moved his hand up her calf to her thighs and over to where he judged her open pussy would be but much to his surprise he felt something long and soft hanging there instead.
Upset but trying to be understanding he asked why she hadn’t told him about her sex change operation to which she replied;

" I haven’t had a sex change operation, I’ve just changed my mind. I'm having a shit instead".

 

Some racist jokes I know:
What's the difference between a jew and a pizza?
A pizza doesn't scream in the oven.

Why do niggers stink?
So blind people can hate them too.

How do you know Adam and Eve were not black?
You ever try to take a rib from a nigger?

 

The Peach Joke

The Peach Joke -----

A guy is driving down the highway when he sees a little hand-painted sign on the side of the road. It reads "Peaches - Any Flavor - 15 Miles"

The guy shakes his head and thinks he misread the sign, but a few minutes later, he sees another one: "Peaches - Any Flavor - 10 Miles" and he starts to get curious.

He's ready for the next sign, "Peaches - Any Flavor - 5 Miles" and decides he has to check it out. When he sees "Peaches - Any Flavor - Exit Now" he gets off the highway and follows the home-made signs to a little farm in the middle of nowhere.

As the guy pulls up near the big red barn, a jolly-looking old farmer in overalls and sporting a long white beard comes out to greet him. Picture Uncle Jesse Duke, if you will, or the old farmer from "Roadhouse"...

"I saw your signs, and I just had to know," says the driver. "Do you really have peaches in any flavor?" The farmer smiles and asks, "What would you like, sir? You name it, I got it."

"Okay," says the man, "How about chocolate?"

"That's a fairly popular flavor, sir," says the farmer, nodding and smiling, and leads the man to a spot by the barn with several bushels of peaches and a little sign that reads "CHOCOLATE"

The man stares for a second, then picks up a peach and takes a bite. "My god," he says, "that tastes just like chocolate!" He looks at the farmer in amazement and the farmer simply nods and smiles.

"Well, that isn't too hard, though," says the man, "How about something harder, like, uh... coffee?"

"Another popular flavor, sir," says the farmer, pointing to another set of bushels just inside the barn labeled "COFFEE" When the man takes a bite, it tastes just like a rich cup of fresh-brewed coffee. "Holy shit," he says, "that really does taste just like a cup of good coffee! This is amazing!"

The farmer chuckles and says, "Now how about something harder, eh? I know you didn't come all this way for coffee-flavored peaches, sir."

The man tries to think of something harder, and says, "All right then, how about peanut butter and jelly? I bet you don't have that one." The farmer laughs again and leads the man a little deeper into the barn and points to another set of bushel barrels labeled "PB&J" "That's one of our very best sellers," says the farmer proudly.

The man can't believe his eyes, but picks up one of the peaches and takes a bite. "Wow!" says the man, "That is exactly like peanut butter! But where's the jelly?"

"Turn it over, sir," says the farmer, and when the man bites into the other side of the peach, it tastes exactly like grape jelly. The man is amazed and too stunned to do anything but chew. The farmer chuckles again and steps a little closer.

"Now, tell me what you really like, sir, something really hard. We have ANY. FLAVOR. HERE."

The man looks around to be sure they're alone before he replies, "Well, I really like to eat pussy..." The farmer is nodding knowingly and says, "Ah, I thought you might. Come this way, sir, that's maybe our very best seller."

The farmer leads the man into the deepest part of the barn to a set of bushels without a label, and hands one of the peaches to the man with a smile. The man looks warily at the farmer before shrugging his shoulders and taking a huge bite of the peach.

"AHHH! That tastes like shit!" says the man.

"Turn it over, sir," says the farmer.

-----
For some reason, women seem to find this even funnier than men...

 

That's amazing. :awesome

 

There are a lack of Irish jokes:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all builders working on a bridge.

The Englishman opens his lunch-box and says, "If I get one more tuna sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge."

The Scotsman opens his lunch box and says, "If I get one more ham sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge."

The Irishman then says, "If I get one more egg sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge."

The next day, all three get the same lunch, all three jump off the bridge, and all three die.

At their funeral, the Englishman's wife says, "If only I'd known he didn't like tuna."

The Scotsman's wife says, "If only I'd known he didn't like ham."

The Irishman's wife says, "I don't understand it. He made his own sandwiches."


An Englishman, Irishman and an Australian are all imprisoned together. One day they decide to escape and start a new life. The day of the breakout dawns and the three prisoners make a break for it across a field beside the road where their chain-gang was working. The chase was on, and when they thought they were about to be caught they stumbled upon a garden shed.

The quick thinking Aussie said " Quick we’ll hide in there until the heat's off!"

When they opened the door all they found were three potato sacks and without anything else to hide in they each crawled into one. Unfortunately for the prisoners a passing guard saw the shed and thought he’d take a look inside. Luckily though, this guard wasn’t the brightest man and when he opened the door to find three, large, lumpy potato sacks he didn’t really think much of it and instead of opening them he decided he'd kick them, one by one.

The first contained the Aussie,thinking quickly he start barking like a dog "WOOF WOOF WOOF!", the guard grunted and thought "oh it's just a dog".

Next he kicked the sack containing the Englishman, who, following the Aussie's example "MEOOOW! FFFFT FFFT!", the guard grunted and thought "oh it's only a cat".

Finally he kicked the sack containing the Irishman, to which came the reply "POTATOES!"

 

That is a Curious Collar

A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field about 10 miles from his farm. To get there he must drive his tractor, and his dog old Joe trots along beside him. Halfway through the plowing, the tractor runs out of fuel.

He wanders out to the road and flags down a ride, which just happens to be a Ferrari. The driver says, "You can have a ride, but that dog can't get in my car."

The farmer says, "Don't worry. Old Joe will keep up."

The driver figures he'll show the farmer just what his car can do and lets it rip. Just as he is going into 5th gear, he looks out the window and sure enough Old Joe is right beside him. He can't wait to have a look at the amazing dog, so he slams on the brakes, and the car stops rather abruptly.

The driver jumps out of exclaiming, "He's the most incredible dog I've ever seen! But what kind of collar is that he's wearing?"

The father shook he said and said, "That's not a collar. That's his asshole. He's not used to stopping that fast."





Bubba Died in a Fire

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"





Jonny is seven years old and unlike any other boys his age rather curious.

He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.

This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny.

He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.

His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.

About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house!

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. The eel spit on her face a little bit and then, All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight.

Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again.

I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.




Running for Office

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are injured."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"




The Injured Thumb

A man went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into it. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the fudge and this was too much for him.

"Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!'

"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."

"Why don't you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily.

"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."




Bar: Three Tests

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the counter, which is filled to the brim with ten-dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it and approaches the bartender to ask: "What's up with the jar?"

Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

Man: "What are the three tests?"

Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules."

So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar.

Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila - the WHOLE thing at once - AND you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot; I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of tequila and get crazier from there."

Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the jar."

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking and screams, yelps, and growling, then eventually silence.

Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"NOW," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"




Garden of Eden

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called "woman."

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"




College Entrance Exam: For Football Players

You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify.

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (b) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d) Swedish (e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)

8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (C) NORTHERNERS

9. Spell -- CAT, DOG, PIG

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5

 

What do you tell a black jew?
Get to the BACK of the oven!

 

Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far."

So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times).


[FONT=&quot]15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!"

[/FONT] One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician."


[FONT=&quot]Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]The reply: "For three reasons. (1) he took a long time to answer, (2) he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless."[/FONT]

 

Lol'd at some of them, though a fair few had been posted earlier in the thread- still, I feel the need to say 'only in America.'