For those following the story, Chapter 18 is now up. It's got a little of the 'Harry finally kicks some ass' action that people having been asking for.

@Ame River: thanks for the long and thoughtful response. It's always helpful to know what's working and what isn't from a reader's perspective. Your concerns about Parvati are good ones, and you're right that I'm trying to slowly turn her into a more mature character. Same goes for Harry.

About that line you didn't like: “And leave you here to fight the bad guys all by yourself, Harry?” That was intended to be a bit of a joke, as Parvati is well aware that she doesn't have much to offer Harry in terms of fighting ability. Looks like it fell a little flat.

Cheers.

 

Eh. I may also just have a crap sense of humor - the line certainly makes more sense in that context.

*Toddles off to read new chapter*

Edit:

How does he know it's Moody? Two paragraphs ago it was his "invisible assailant"

Oh hell yeah. That's what I'm talking about.

...And it gets better!

Spoiler

Harry’s piercing curse drilled him in the forehead and rocked his head backward, and Severus Snape slumped to the floor, dead.

Spoiler

“Reducto,” Harry muttered, and Moody’s one good foot exploded in a shower of gore.

My desire for badassery and epic win has totally been satisfied.

On the other hand, the whole Kingsley/Fawkes bit seemed a bit... unnecessary. Kingsley didn't *do* anything, and we already knew Fawkes was on Harry's side. If the only point was to introduce his "fire vision" power, I almost feel like I'd rather do without. Of course, it may become important later and I can accept that, I suppose.

One other thing - so I'm all about

Spoiler

the killing Snape thing

but it's a little weird how no one thinks it's Harry's fault at all. Yes, he was attacking Harry, but at that moment he wasn't really a threat - no arms. He was basically helpless at that point. So... I dunno. I feel like at least *someone* should have mixed feelings about it.

An erotic peak at the sight of her breasts...?

I'm interested to see where things are going after the whole Fudge announcement. A good chapter, moving things forward. I continue to enjoy the story. All I can say is... don't be afraid to include more action/gore! I approve.

 

The combat scene was meh. You could have put a lot more detail in it. It seemed a little awkward actually.

 

I loved Snape's death and its (lack of) repercussions.

The situation looks really bad for Harry and his clique now, I wonder what will they do with Dumbledore now - turning against him (which probably would get full support of the ministry) would only help him stay out of Azkaban after Voldemort was dead.

What will happen with Moody? I think that Harry should've finished him instead of leaving it to pure luck.

About the fight, I'm no fan of long and detailed fights and often scroll down through those so it was okay for me. You get extra points for making it apparent that Harry got out of there only because his enemies couldn't harm him and were surprised by strength of his spells.

 

Meh. At some point in every story "making the protagonist win through chance so it's more realistic" needs to stop in favor of "protagonist wins on own merits". Actually, at this point I'm pretty sure these fics outnumber superpower Harry fics on here by about 3:1.

This could be more interesting. Usually phoenixes are boring "Light" blah blah whatever. But this is not a warm and cuddly Fawkes. What would be more interesting is if phoenixes were creatures of whatever power seems to control fate in the HPverse and Dumbledore's attempts at thwarting prophecy meant that Fawkes will cause his downfall.

 

Harry being able to beat both Snape and Moody after a month of training would be instant ctrl+w from me. Hell, even if you put Tonks, Harry's instructor, in that situation it would be extremely unplausible for her to win through the skill.

 

It's not really through "chance." Exploiting your enemies' limitations (non-lethal force only) and using the element of surprise are legitimate battle tactics. Moody and Snape were using the element of surprise - would it have been "by chance" if they won?

No, they won't be surprised next time, and maybe they'll be shooting to kill, but Harry will just have to come up with other advantages, which he clearly will because he's actively training and improving.

About Fawkes - interesting thought, and possibly cooler than "he just likes Harry," which is what I thought. Either way it's a fairly original characterization and I certainly wouldn't mind seeing Fawkes take a larger role. I just thought that particular scene was unnecessary - Fawkes wouldn't have needed to do anything if Kingsley wasn't stationed outside, and it seems like the only reason he was stationed there was to get his ass kicked by Fawkes. It didn't have any effect on any of the other characters' actions or thoughts (except for one line from Moody, but he could have just buckled instead of thinking he was outwitting Harry).

 

It's less not being able to defeat them easily and more falling for the same dumb portkey trick as 4th year. He doesn't need to be able to beat Voldemort in a duel one-handed, but he has to at least be smart enough to come up with a way to cheat and gain the advantage because recurrent dumb luck gets just as old as super!merlin!powers.

 

I wanted to add that we have many examples of young military commanders from real history. For example, how does one become a 26 year old Colonel? By being a Lieutenant at 16, and while being a Lieutenant being better than other Lieutenants who are over 20.

How does one get battlefield commission at 16? By joining a fighting organization where there is enough opportunity to show how courageous, smart, powerful/skilled and charismatic you are, at 14, and surviving for two years. It helps if loses are high and higher ups need competent tactical commanders.

They are not geniuses, but when wars last long enough, teens with the motivation and drive sometimes make military careers that would take decades in times of peace. See any history about prolonged wars and civil wars.

 

I may perhaps have stated my terms poorly. "Child genius/prodigy" is probably not the best way to describe what it takes to lead a war as a teenager - your description is much better. What I was trying to say is that the combination (and quantity) of drive, intelligence, and charisma required for this sort of role is not present in canon!Harry as of the beginning of OotP. Perhaps ever, if we're talking canon - after all, it's Neville that leads the resistance, not Harry.

Obviously this is fanfiction and character changes are both allowed and expected, and I think the wider fanon character of Harry does have that potential. But I do agree with darklordmike that there are far too many stories where the *entire wizarding world,* including a number of older, charismatic, experienced witches and witches. In these stories, Harry isn't a Colonel, a Lieutenant, or even a General. He's it - the big guy, Lee, Napoleon, Alexander.

 

I agree Ame River, and I like how darklordmike makes it more believable.

We know why teen Harry becomes the "big guy" in all those stories. The problem fan-fiction of this genre is trying to solve is that JKR didn't actually write a young male power fantasy some readers (presumably unsatisfied young males) wish to read.

The first four books are a reasonable setup for a coming of age story in which the protagonist fights the whole world, becomes very powerful, avenges his parents, kills his enemies, gets the best girl, lives happily ever after as king. But then Rowling ruins it. Of course, she didn't "ruin it", she just planned and written a completely different story. Her protagonist is unsuitable for this power fantasy because in her mind, he is the average Joe, and must prevail and still remain an average Joe. He has a commoner name. No great heritage in genetic gifts, money, vassals, respect given to his name alone. The most deference he gets due to the circumstances of his birth are due to his parents' achievements in school, and his fame is useless as a shield as early as second year.

He is not exceptionally smart or powerful. He is intellectually lazy. His only skill is flying, and it's at best marginally useful in magical combat. He relies on luck and the help of his friends to survive. His prophesied purpose is to commit suicide, not to conquer. His life's ambition is an average life with an average woman, working an average job, raising average kids.
JKR wrote a moral story about love and sacrifice and friendship. Not what the fanboy likes to read.

Enter fanfic - the way to right this wrong, and turn Harry Potter into Paul Atreides: when his planetary ruler father is cruelly betrayed by the venal emperor and killed fighting a dynastic war against a nouveau riche House, fifteen year old Paul, the result of centuries or careful breeding and years of special training to produce the powers of the mythical messiah, must hide among the oppressed people of an inhospitable planet to survive. Combining the training of his warrior-nun mother and the hardy fanatic Muslim warriors of his adoptive people, he uses his father's surviving loyal vassals and his family's cache of nuclear weapons to wage war on the combined forces of the empire's socioeconomic elite and the emperor's own stormtroopers, emerging victorious. Scenes include romantic encounters with a warrior princess who first kicks his ass but then bears his children, and leading his warriors on the backs of giant sand worms.

If that is a story you'd prefer reading, you're just in the wrong genre. Or you could "fix" this, by changing the protagonist's character development, or retconing the circumstances for even more awesome.

 

I saw this story awhile back and bypassed it because it looked like it was full of the same old shit, but if it's got DLP's vote then I guess I'll have to give it a look see.

 

Uh. Or you could not draw ridiculous false dichotomies.

There is some truth to the idea that Harry is designed by JKR to be incredibly mediocre in canon and most fanfic alters this. But that is just because most adults (as opposed to the children the books were written for) do not want to read about mediocre protagonists, especially in fanfic. It hardly means any attempt at making him less retarded is a "power fantasy" involving making him Paul Atreides.

There is a continuum of how competent you want to make him from JKR to Super Merlin. This story probably falls more on the JKR side (which is the trend nowadays), but it's a good read so I have no problem with that as long as reading it doesn't induce too much face palming at the main character's stupidity.

 

Woah, so I finally got around to reading this, since it actually garnered some excellent reviews. I must say, I definitely enjoyed reading it, and subsequently have put it on my story alert.

The last chapter... I really did enjoy the fight scenes. They weren't too extravagant, and honestly seemed quite realistic. The brutality that Harry displayed was an absolute pleasure to read. The lack of angst is also nice. Especially in an indy Harry fic.

 

Chapter 19 is up.

I also went back and heavily edited the first couple chapters. The most offensive elements have hopefully been excised. They're about as strong as I can make them without affecting continuity.

Lastly, I recently posted a humor oneshot called 'Voldemort, My Pet Inferius.' It was in WbA for a few days, so some of you may have already read it. If you haven't, check it out. I had a lot of fun writing it.

 

A filler chapter. Nothing happened basically, only Harry was told he's not quite ready to become an Auror.

 

I wanted to review this earlier, but all the lovely HP fandom was lost for me for a month or so, so please forgive me if ,by chance, I repeat a thing or two that has been said umpteen times already.
Firstly, where on Earth has Parvati come from? This so called reasonably paced romanced is so out-of-nowhere for me, as a tube-strike in the middle of snowfall when every line is down anyway.
Secondly, I feel that we are not getting anywhere. There's a lot of filler scattered around, the last chapter being a good example, and the plot is not really moving forward. At some point Harry will have to confront Voldemort and Dumbledore, (not at the same time obviously) and there are more and more lines drawn, but I just don't feel the inevitable looming ever closer on the horizon.
Anyway, there are plenty of great things about it and I'll definitely follow this one. Library material, but could be a lot better.

 

I don't know, with Voldemort's takeover of the Ministry, with support from the Minister, it feels like Harry and his allies are being squeezed out. I liked the situation being built steadily, as opposed to DH, where Voldemort overthrows the Ministry in a few weeks.

 

I've mentioned something like this to the author. Despite having 19 chapters pass, I don't feel like I've covered a lot of ground. When considered that the total chapter count is around an estimated 30-35, I'm worried the coming chapters will be rushed or simply lack the oomph to create a great story.



The first few chapters are a struggle, but it definitely picks up around chapter four or five. Despite all the cliche's in the early stages, the fic somehow becomes a must-turn-page kinda' story. My main concern at this stage is what I mentioned above.

For now, 3.5/5. Depending on how the coming chapters and climax play out, I'll raise that to a 4-4.5.

 

Just a late comment, at the end of Chapter 15 it felt like a surreal version of the baptism scene of the Godfather.
Wonder if you were aiming at that.