Great last chapter, I hope the Hat starts to be more of an influence on HJ fighting the war, just like when he suggested sending Malfoy's head in a box a couple of chapters ago.

I'd imagine the Hat would be pissed as well, now that a war has popped up during it's holiday time. I want to see lots of demanding that they should still go to Tuscany for the Veela spa treatment.

There was a bit of allusion that Fawkes would be HJ's new moral compass of sorts, as he was consciously thinking of where Fawkes would draw that line at acting 'dark'/'unbefitting' of a light wizard.

I'm very much looking forward to the sequel.

 

I applaud Remus dying so ignominiously. It's funny, he and Dumbledore died to the same curse, but Dumbledore's death somehow felt more meaningful. He trusted Karkarroff to some extent, and paid for it.

Remus was just staring at the pretty lights.

The eulogy was moving.

 

I always thought fawkes would be a pretty dark creature. The good dark but still Dark. Dumbledores morality always seemed to lend credence that fawkes was some noble being that would weap for orphans and poop on the unjust but I always thought dumbledore was more reigning him in in his own way.

Being immortal and all, having witnessed varying forms of "goodness" through out the millenia, I would think that he would be more of a observer unless harry truly crosses the line. That's why I liked the epilogue cause fawkes didn't seem to care and was more intrigued than anything else.

I hope the sequel stays along the same quality standards of this fic. I would hate for this to turn into another coming darkness.

 

The last chapter didn't feel like a proper conclusion. The fights in the beginning of the chapter should have been the pinnacle of the whole story; in all the previous chapters you should have built up the pressure, and then released it in the end. Instead, the chapter, the fight felt no different than what I've read before. The word to describe it is bland.

*** mock description ***
"I was waiting for you, Potter."
"Let's fight then!"
"What?" says Lupin, and then dies with a look of surprise on his face.
"Oh," says the Reader.
Snape pulls his mask off, "I am an evil Death Eater, Potter! Prepare to die!"
Enters Dumbledore.
Dumbledore dies of a stray curse.
"Wha--?" says the Reader. "WTF?!"
Voldemort disintegrates. "You defeated me now, Potter, but I'll be back!"
In five minutes the confused Reader finds out that he really is back, has a new body, and runs loose somewhere.
***

The other scenes (the aftermath, starting from Pettigrew's interrogation scene) should all have been put in the epilogue.

The chapter 23 was just a filler, with a month separating it from the chapter 22. I was actually angry when I read it. All in all, the last two chapters were the teasers for the Dead Eye's release day.

Jbern, if you are insulted by my post, then we are quits. The last two chapters don't do you justice.

 

lol; are you going to return his letterman's jacket and class ring too? Lighten up.

 

I agree with Alexeyy.

First, loved the story. Easily the best jbern's written (in my opinion). Amazing characterization, especially the hat. Cool dueling scenes. Innovative ideas. No complaints...

...until this chapter. I felt it was rushed. Could - should - have been easily extended to two or three chapters. Especially when compared to the previous few, which seemed very fillerish to me.

You have problems with focus. There are pages and pages of Harry dueling - well written duels, true. But Dumbledore's death is just four lines. Pettigrew's interrogation lasts several pages too. But when Harry finds out Voldemort's alive, there's only:

Harry's thoughts on Voldemort's rebirth ought to be fleshed out a bit more.

The point is that there's not enough focus on the important things happening in this chapter.

And there are definitely a lot of important things happening. Way too many for one chapter. If I were editing this, I'd split it into five chapters. The duel with Voldemort would be one chapter, ending with Dumbledore coming to save Harry. Then there'd be a filler chapter, with a pause in the action, ending with Karkaroff killing Dumbledore: a cliffhanger. The third chapter would be up to the point Peter is captured. Next I would make the night of Voldemort's revival a chapter, ending with Harry meeting Fleur at Hogwart's gates. Finally, the fifth chapter would be the final three scenes in the story.

Overall, a story of this caliber deserves a less abrupt ending than this.

 

Two things I didn't like:

1. The ending of the last chapter was rushed, but that has already been addressed by previous posts and I have no further arguments.

2. What's with all the sex? I'm by no means a prude and I know James was a playboy in his years at Hogwarts, but God damn they have a lot of sex in this story! It's like everyone's a fucking pornstar at age sixteen. I believe Harry could remember his parents having sex in a broom-closet in all kinds of positions, something I highly doubt a boy could persuade his 16-17 year-old girlfriend to do. It doesn't seem very realistic, but then again this is a world where dragons and fairies exist, so why not? Who needs realism when we got fanfiction, right?

/end rant. Ah, that felt good...

I liked the story, I really did. Very funny when it was supposed to (if that makes sense), good action that you actually want to read (I tend to skip action scenes for some reason) and very nice characterizations. I normally don't like first-person perspectives, but I did find it refreshing in this story.

A must-read in my opinion. 5/5

 

I have to disagree. If you did it that way, you'd either have 2000 word chapters or a million-word epic that never got past the Hogwarts Express.

High school must have sucked for you.

 

I had a long reply, but the internet connect at the hotel died on me.

Basically, it boils down to Abe Lincoln's quote about pleasing people. I'm not insulted, but I do disagree with you when you say chapter 23 was filler and where you think the epilogue should be placed. The fight was over, but the conflict was not resolved when HJ and Hat were about to start questioning Peter.

You say the pinacle should have been the fight with Voldemort. I disagree and say that the pinacle was HJ accepting the responsibility to lead the fight in the coming war without Dumbledore to handle all the details.

As for the other poster's comment, if this was "real" and being edited, they'd say 10k chapters are too long to begin with and tell me to chop it into more manageable 3-5 k chunks (8-10 pages per chapter). They'd also say that 220K is too long for the story and to cut it down to a saleable length with a maximum around 150K, which means about a third of the story (at least) gets taken to the wordcount altar and sacrifice.

Anyway, to each his own. You're entitled to your opinions of the ending and I'm entitled to disagree. I mentioned earlier, that I toyed with the idea of doing it during the 10th and final task, but it didn't make sense there, since it would be easier for HJ to be directly injured in the dueling arena. When Krum failed to injure HJ, Karkaroff sent his backup plan in motion with Roger D. and Poppy to isolate HJ and lead him away from the competition.

As for Dead Eye news -

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/2076 on Smashwords for $1.99

and

http://www.amazon.com/Dead-Eye-Penn...?ie=UTF8&s=digital-text&qid=1243755268&sr=1-1 on Kindle for $3.19

 

In your stories you stake on realism and do it wonderfully. You made realistic and interesting tournament, Dumbledore a man who makes mistakes and learns from them, sane Voldemort (as opposed to JKR's GOF), all your characters are different and interesting to read. Your ending was like what could have been in real life. The thing is, it doesn't work that way in fiction.

The last chapter, you played with the man against himself conflict, deciding to emphasize the ending on HJ making crucial decision (accepting the responsibility to lead the war). Well, it didn't work. Why? Because the reader wasn't prepared for this, you lacked build up on this front. So far, the story was dominated by action: tournament tasks mixed with attempts on HJ's life, and everything else in between. Hat, HJ/Poppy interaction, HJ's training, HJ/Snape conflict, HJ/Fleur, HJ and other champions interaction, HJ/Hermione, JH/Gryffindors conflict etc. -- however interesting they were -- were essentially the filler.

Following that line, by logic, I expected the fight with Voldemort be the ultimate conflict. I completely agree with Belerdorhan about splitting the ending into five chapters. This would be logical.

Ok, I get it that you want to add more depth to your stories. Fuck, I always whine that there's little of man vs. himself conflict in modern stories, and I would gladly support you here. But where's build up?

HJ was training himself knowing that someday eventually he would have to fight with Voldemort. HJ wasn't running away from that fight. He was already planning to hire Hit-wizards to help him. It was logical and expected by the reader, that after Dumbledore's death, he would move on, and take Dumbledore's role. There was no conflict in accepting that responsibility.

And thus we get the slurred over ending with an out-of-focus fight and its sequel, nor tension build up, nor relief, and nor dénouement.

P.S.: Jbern, I got both HHH and Dead Eye from Smashwords. I enjoy the Dead Eye so far, but I just started reading it. I read your short story about that High Priest-turned-God and it made lasting impression. I remember you posted links to your other stories - on podcast and whatnot but I haven't had the time to check them out until now. The thing is, now I have no idea where to look for these links, unless I have to plow through all your posts here. Can post the links to your stories available on Internet?

 

@Jbern: Dead eye was epic, it felt like I was reading the lie I lived again, only the main character is even more believable! I am glad smashword allows so many different formats.

Any chance there is going to be sequel?

@DLP: Reread the ending the ending seemed hilarious, getting Hagrid to convince Aragog to work for the light side, now that is just priceless!

 

I have almost no problem with it. Yes Harry was expecting to have to fight this war, he was making plans, and gaining allies. There is a huge difference between fighting and leading. Harry was expecting Dumbledore to be around and help him for atleast a few more years. Harry is a great fighter, quite possibly one of the best, but that doesnt mean he is ready to lead a war.

The reason that it sees so mashed together is that the first 2/3s of the chaper literally happens in a matter of hours. Voldemort returns, Dumbledore dies, Voldemort gets his body back, and the questioning of Peter, and the return to Hogwarts.

The only and I do mean only thing I might consider changing is adding the Fluer and Harry scene to the epilogue and adding the the epilogue as its own chapter on the websites.

 

Alexxy,

Go to the writings tab on www.jimbernheimer.com. You should be able to find any of my short stories there. Glad you're enjoying Dead Eye so far.

Zero,

Yes, there is going to be a sequel. It's one of the many things I need to start on over the summer. Thanks for the comments and do me a favor and drop a review of it on Amazon.

 

I keep getting this message on Amazon, no idea why.

Bought my copy of Dead Eye from Smashword. Waiting for someone from Amazon.ca to have a copy to sell. US export costs are so much!

Though I only started up my Amazon account half a day ago so it could just be another few hours till I can review, I'll try again later. I'll write something nice and long if it works.

Glad to know there is a sequel, it is encouraging to see people in this forum actively publishing novels, there are number of good authors here after all.

 

Well done for finishing another great story J-Bern, this last chapter was very well done, especially the fight scene which flowed well and kept me interested.

The sequel is well set up too looking forward to it!

 

I disagree with you. As a reader, I was prepared for the exact thing you said I wasn't. I've come to expect the unexpected from this story so I never thought the conflict with Voldemort would be the final conflict just like in the actual book which doesn't end with the fight with Voldemort I didn't expect this one to do so either. I mean the end of GOF placed Harry and Dumbledore against the ministry and Voldemort. It wasn't just about Voldemort getting a new body.

 

Honestly if the story had ended with just a non-conclusive fight with Voldemort I would have been disappointed. This whole story has been about HJ and his development as a person, ending it with on a different note wouldn't have fit with the rest of the story.

 

I got my copy of HHH last week, and it's been really good to me. I got the pdf since I'm not much for paperbacks getting roughed up in my bag. If you're a fan of jbern's writing, you won't regret picking these stories up. I've always been a fan of short stories, though I've tended to read realistic or science fiction more than supernatural/horror, so I cannot make comparisons within the genre. However if you're in this thread you can expect that most of the stories are very fresh or throw a neat twist on staple ideas (e.g. zombies!).

This is coming from someone who gets debilitating buyer's remorse picking gala over fuji apples. In fact, I'll get myself a copy of Dead Eye when finals are out.

 

Well shit.

There I was sitting down to read a few threads when I saw jbern's. I was just wondering when he would update his recent fiction. Then here I learn it was updated...and completed! I soundly shit in my pants.

After cleaning my chair, getting a glass of water, and opening the fic I shit my pants again. Damn it, hate it when that happens. Somehow I had missed the last two updates! I don't know how, but I did. And yes I had the ffnet fic alert on.

The initial reading of the last two chapters was very good. The fight scenes were as usual amazing, especially how Krum was soundly beaten and embarrassed. The interview with Harry and Fleur seemed a bit contrived but I guess dealing who the readership was for the interview I can understand.

The final fight was interesting and unexpected. Four to one odds and somehow HJ still manages to pull through. Marcus/Voldemort was too handicapped to really do a lot to Harry. And considering that Harry, too, was handicapped, the battle seemed pretty even. Until Harry used his blood and the phoenix effect of the brother wands. I especially like how HJ channeled his anger in it.

Dumbledore died and then Karkaroff died as well. Good and Good.

With the epilogue I could see the ground work jbern sprinkled in throughout the story coming to fruition in the sequel. Which I am waiting for.

Upon further reflection, after reading it a few things did not sit too well with me. The main I guess was the pacing. It was fast and hectic through the battle, which was great. And the moments of tenseness with finding the location was stunning. I.E. interrogating Pettigrew.

However, that abruptness was a little too much afterwards with Harry in the Headmaster's office mourning. The funeral seemed good, though with the speech Harry made, but the pace picked-up again.

As in fanfiction, there are certain laws of realism that must be pushed aside. Harry being a speaker at Albus' funeral was one of them I could not quite push aside.

I think one of the main flaws of the fiction would be the scenes. Not that there were not there, its just at times there was no scene set-up, just witty words and inner dialogue. Of course, this did not always hold true, in some places the scenes were vivid. I just found myself half the time wondering to the general one-sentence scene set-ups. I figured a little more description would pull the reader in more.

"I am Igor Karkaroff's executioner."

Judge Jury and Executioner. Nice rhyme to them, but I think a tad poetic in this fic. It just seemed more out of place than anything.

As to the pacing of the battle I said it was good, but at times it lagged when describing in nauseam every spell and counter-spell they launched at each other. Just like in a sword-fight there is no need to describe every feint, parry, and dodge a character does. It seemed to drag the tense parts.

I hope I will not be flamed for saying all this, as it is my opinion and I do it just to speak my mind. Now don't get me wrong, the fic is fantastic! The humor and crude language beyond funny! I just had a few issues as does everyone that reads something. . Now...I shall find a means of acquiring his first novel.

--byl, out.

 

Its over! But at the same time its not.
Personally I loved how it ended. It wrapped things up nicely, it put HJ on his new and much cooler path, and it prepared the reader for the next part of the saga.

While I really disliked how Dumbledore was killed, I am glad it was shown that that was probably the only way he could die, at least in this universe as he is much cooler in this one that the "real" one.

I cannot wait to see the sequel come out, along with you finishing up TML. Also, while I was unsure of it at first, your humorous little story about Harry and Trelawney is good and am excited to see that updated.

-TDO