So you can post in WbA if you already have it posted for review?

 

Of course. Here in the review section it is presumed that what you have is what you believe to be the height of your work at this point. WbA is a little more forgiving and a good sounding board for your ideas before its committed to pen and ink so to speak.

 

Just got around to reading this, and it's quite promising, if slightly flawed. Since you wanted feedback, Sooner90, I'll pretend this is a thread in WbA. I agree with former posters that it would be a good idea to post new chapters there, or locate an alpha/beta here or from http://www.perfectimagination.co.uk/.

The premise is interesting: Harry is raised by a painting and a house elf, and later loses the ability to use conventional magic. He now has elements of house elf, werewolf, and unicorn magic, but it's too early to tell how he's going to use it. Will he even be able to study at Hogwarts?

The prose is lucid and intelligent, but, to be frank, a bit dull. You have a tendency to rely too much on lengthy narration and summary. I do the same thing in my own writing, so I notice it in others. It's most noticeable in scenes that had potential comic value--e.g., a clueless Harry interacts with wizarding society for the first time, and nearly gets busted stealing. You chose to just summarize what happened, so the event is less interesting than it could have been.

Likewise with the battle scenes. The house elf vs. werewolf vs. unicorn battle was really neat, but you used huge blocks of text to convey the action. It takes away from the urgency of the situation and is simply harder to read than it needs to be. Anything over 120 words per paragraph when you're reading on a computer borders on tl;dr.

I think other readers have found the early chapters to be somewhat dull because there is such a claustrophobic POV at the start. We get detailed summaries of what the elf is doing, what Harry is learning, etc., but we have no idea what's going on in the outside world (and still don't). It would be helpful, I think, to see a few scenes from Dumbledore's POV, or Malfoy's or McGonagall's, so that we get a hint of where the plot is going later on.

But enough with the criticisms. There's a lot of really good stuff here too. Charlus' antics are entertaining, and his ribald humor could really turn Harry into a fun character while he's at Hogwarts. His connection to house elves could be played to great comic effect. I'm interested, too, to see what you do with Harry's magical defeciencies/strengths, and how the capture of Bellatrix will affect the plot.

In short, the early chapters aren't bad so much as not as good as they could be. It's still got the potential to turn into a really good story. For now, 3.5/5.

 

DLM,
Thanks for the good critique. The points you made were helpful, especially the bit about large paragraphs. I had already come to the same conclusion, and had broken them up a bit, but more is obviously needed.

As for the total blackout of news of the outside world, I debated this at some length. In the end, I decided that I wanted to keep the suspense and leave those answers to later. There are some interesting questions that exist about how the world (and Dumbledore) would treat a Harry who was thought dead but who had defeated Voldemort. (Would the public even know?) Would Dumbledore think that the prophecy had already been fulfilled?

I think preserving the mystery was worth it. Perhaps the liberal use of a red pen on the first few chapters might make up for it and heighten reader interest. I HATE going backward on a story, so I haven't done it yet. Another reason to get a beta. Anyway, great comments. Thanks for reading.

 

I must say I really enjoy this story! it has been a long time since I read a good story like this. Please decide on a pairing, no story is good without a bit romance. You don't have to over do it, but just a little fluff, here and there. Something like the Skitterleap, or Wastelands of Time, would do.

 

LP,
Oh, so no pressure then. Just write more like Enembee or Joe6991. lol. I WISH! But, I get your point. I don't know if there will be romance in this first story. Harry is obviously too young now, and I don't know if this story will carry much past adolescence. If there is avid enough interest, future stories might have some. We'll see.

 

new chapter up in WbA. Check it out and comment.

 

new chapter up in WBA. Check it out and comment. Also, any lingering admins, Is there any chance of getting this out of the recycle bin? I noticed it's in the library, if that makes any difference.

 

Well I've been keeping up with it. Definitely been improving. I think I can see what Bella was trying, but I did like that her first obvious betrayal was so easily spotted. That was fun.