The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v5.0

Schrodinger · Aug 2, 2009

This. Just this.

Euroclydon · Aug 2, 2009

... o.0
Weird niggah

Dark Minion · Aug 2, 2009

Erm... I think it was funnier than most "humorous" one shots posted in the library lately.

Schrodinger · Aug 2, 2009

You know how its says it was beta-ed? I emailed the guy who did the beta job (we know each other) and got the unbeta-ed version. Its even worse.

“Ginny, listen...” Harry said “I can't be involved with you any more. We've got to stop seeing. we can't be together.”
She said, with an oddly twisted smile,
“It's for some stupid, noble reason, isn't it?”
“It's been like...like something out of someone else's life, these last few weeks with you,' said Harry. 'But I can't...we can't...i've got things to do alone now.”
She did not cry, she simply looked him. “I didn't ask you fore your life's story, I asked if there where for some bloody noble reason”
“Voldemort uses people his enemies are close to. He's already used you as bait once, and that was just because you're my best friend's sister. Think how much danger you'll be in if we keep this up. He'll know, he 'll find out. He'll try to get to me through you.”
“What if I don't care?” she said fiercely.
'I care' said Harry ' how do you think I would feel if this was your funeral... and it was my fault...” She looked away from him, over the lake. “So you think I am an little wimp that can't take care of myself?” “Ginny..” Harry started
“I am full capable, to take care of myself, I was an first year you git.” Ginny interupped
“I do this because I care for you Ginny.”
Half-laughing Ginny answered, “Have you seen Corner or Dean around?”
“Err, no last time I saw them, was whit you I think.”
“Harry? Do you know why you haven't seen them.”
“No”
“Because they break up whit me,”
“What are you talking abut.” Harry said, sounding very confused.
“This!” Ginny said pointing her wand at him. “Avada Kedavra”
An green bolt shots out from Ginny's wand and hits Harry in the chest, he falls to the ground.
“BLOODY HELL GINNY!!! Why did you do that?!” Ron screamed as he come running towards her.
“He break up whit me.” Ginny said emotionless.
“That bastard!” Ron spits out, and starts kicking harry dead body.
Hermione come walking towards them.
“Not to interrupt” She said “But it was just Dumbeldore's funeral, and now you killed Harry Potter. Who now will defeat Voldemort?”
“Good point” Ron and Ginny agreed.

***One book later***

Ginny finds herself standing facing Voldemort.
“For the last time girl!! Where is Potter?” Voldemort hissed.
“As I said, I killed him, that bastard break up whit me.”
“As an little girl as you could do such a thing.”
“Ron, can you get the corpse”

Ron run away, at the moment Ginny and Voldie had an nice little chat, Voldie told Ginny abut his favourite shampoo.
'Why he use shampoo, he is bald' Ginny thought for herself.
“So when you are not trying to take over the wizarding world and, all this Death Eater stuff, what do you like to do?” Ginny asked.
“Well.. I am training, do I can fulfil my dream.”
“What's your dream?”
“To become an broad way star, my parents didn't be leave in me, so I killed them. Last time I tried, I got rejected everywhere, so I thought, if I took over the world, they would have no choice to accept me.”
“Sounds like an plan, oh look, there is Ron.”
Ron walked towards them, next to him levitated an skeleton, whit pieces of rotten flesh. The skeleton, had Harry's glasses, but the best way to recolonise it was the lighting bolt imprinted to the skull.
“Oh My, you really killed that prat. But then who should i duel agents then?”
“I guess it is me.” Ginny said whit an fade smile.
“Just because you could kill your little lover, you don't really think you can defeat me?”
“Just one way to find out, but may I ask you an question first?”
“Sure, what do you want to know?”
“What's up whit your nose?”
“Try to get perfect results by, recreating your body.”
“Yeah, right. Are you ready Mr V?”
“Yes, wands up.”

Voldemort and Ginny started circulate, pointing there wands to each other, after 5 spins, Voldemort shouts “Avada Kedavra” An green bolt shoot out from Voldemort's wand “Alakasham” Ginny shots, and an dark purple bolts from her wand, going right threw the green bolt, and hit Voldemort in the chest, he starts to scream as an light comes from the place he got hit, soon the blending light is all over him, and he fell silent, the light disappear, and there stood Oddish.
“Oddish?” Ginny asked surprised.
“Yes”
“How did you?”
“Come here?”
“Yes.”
“Because, I a, the Author, I control this world.
“Yeah right?”
Oddish lifts his hand, suddenly Ginny begin to shake.
“Ginny? Are you ok” Ron asked.
Ginny turns around, runs toward Ron, tackle him to the ground, drag his shoes off, drag his socks of and runs away giggling.
“What a hell?” Ron shouts.
“That was Random.” Hermione said, and helped Ron up.

“Stop this nonsense!!“ An guy, around 16 years old, he got long Brown/Reddish hair. “Oddish, what are you doing here, this isn't your story!”
“I am the author,I can do whatever I want.”
For some reason Draco Malfoy walks past them, Oddish point at him, Malfoy's hair changes in to an blond hairball whit teeth, that's start to chew on his head.
Malfoy start to run around screaming, trying to drag the hair of.
“I like it, but you can't do that.”
“Why not?” Oddish ask.
“Because I am the real author of this story.”
“Dream on.”
“The spell Ginny shot on Voldemort, it did bring you hear, I guess that Voldemort now is Author of your story.”
“Bring me back.”
“I can't, Ginny is the only one who can do it, and you made her go berserk and steal socks.”
“Your story, or my story, I will show you who is the best.”
“Bring it on plant-boy.”

Eric “The Author” and Oddish stand opposite each other, the both took there wands and pointed at each other, an huge syringe appear in front of Eric, who start to run, screaming like an little girl, as he runs whit the syringe chasing him.
At the same time, an box appear around Oddish, so he are stuck in it, you can hear how he slowly looses his mind in there.

“There is an important lesson to be learn here, never write an fan fiction if you don't have an plot, and to get other authors coming in to the picture doesn't help.” Hermione says, and walk back to the castle.
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Banner · Aug 2, 2009

* whimper *
But I didn't WANT an emetic just then...

Dark Minion · Aug 3, 2009

Erm... I still think even the unbetaed thing is funnier than the stuff posted for review - though in a twisted kind of way.

Invader.Azula · Aug 22, 2009

I know this forum is old but I had to post this little gem. I'm not sure if it goes in "awesomely bad" or "sick and perverse" but here you go:
Fan Fiction Friday: Hogwarts and a Giant Squid in "First Encounter"

Honestly, it's one of the funniest fics that I've ever read.

Dark Minion · Aug 24, 2009

<this is messed up>

this is messed up by carlyxsam321 reviews
what if the south park kids found out they were wizards
Crossover - South Park & Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 382 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 8-22-09 - Craig T. & Harry P.

One might think it's a neat idea to cross two universes which at first seem to be uncrossable. With such different content and audience it certainly was a difficult process to come up with this story. You have to picture every South Park character, his bevaviour, his interaction with the Hogwarts staff and students, their magical abilities, and so on.

this is a crossover of south park and harry potter. i just thought of this when i was on the trampoline.
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Oh, yes. Or that. Now it is important to carefully choose the point of view.

Stan's pov
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But where to start with the story? How about jumping right into an important scene? Of course one the most important scene is the moment when the kids learn that they are wizards:

i walked into the living room cause my dad Randy. called me down to tell me something.

"Stan?" randy asked.

i looked to the side of him was my mom. "What?" i asked.

my dad sighed. "Stan your a wizard." randy said in a serious tone of voice.

"you got to be joking. there is no such thing as a wizard." i said to my dad and mom.

"Here wave this." my mom said giving me a peice of wood.

i toke it and swished it and a pillow on the couch flew and hit the wall.

"What. i can't be a wizard." i said. my heart was beating rapidly.

i thought for a second and said "how do you know i am a wizard?"

"We know because we will be teaching there." they said at the same time.

i looked suprised. How could i be a wizard.

"you and your friends are wizards." randy said.

"which ones?" i asked

"Craig', Kyle, Kenny, Eric, Clyde, and Butters." randy listed off.

"Do they know that they are wizards to?" i asked

"there parents have informed them yesterday" randy said.

"i am going to go over to Kyles house." i said

"Ok Stan." randy said.

i walked out of the house. i started to walk next door.

i rang the door bell. i heard steps. "hello." kyle said as he opened the door.

"Hi kyle. i jut had the weirdest moment in my life. my dad and mom said i was a wizard." i said to kyle.

"my mom and dad told me that to." kyle said.

" my dad also sad craig, butters, clyde, eric, and kenny. were wizards to." i told kyle.

"lets go see craig." i told kyle.
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Err... what to do now? How about posting it on ff.net as a teaser? Just to see if the audience might praise me?

That's his third story and the first with actually a critical review. Nevertheless I think the review doesn't do justice to the story:

Okay. Well, this is a premise. Now we need a story. The premise being, of course, that the South Park kids are really wizards. But then what? You have written an introduction, but there's no middle or end. Is it a one-shot or a full story? Do the boys go to Hogwarts or to an American wizarding school? Stories can't consist singularly of their premise.
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The author as two more fics up on ff.net, published in June 2009. It is amazing to see how he developed his unique phrasing within just two months.

Just Friends

Just Friends » reviews
what if harry and hermione were put into slytheirin house dr/hp ac/hg
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Friendship - Chapters: 6 - Words: 4,023 - Reviews: 8 - Updated: 8-21-09 - Published: 6-7-09 - Draco M. & Harry P.

Just a short excerpt. The protagonists meet on the Hogwarts express and introduce themselves:

hi im hermione granger. i am Draco malfoy and this is Harry potter. after that we just talked from school to books to classes. it was time to get into there clothes. when they were done changing. i felt my face turn slightly red. but i don't think it is enough to see. i heard the screech of the train stoping. so i opened the door of the room and started to get off of the train. a teacher yelled to everyone to stay on the train. i looked out the window and saw something. it was a teacher. ok the teacher yelled for everyone to get out. i walked up to the castle and looked at the huge door. we walked into the halls. then into the grand hallway. albus walked up to the stage and yelled WE WILL BEGIN SORTING HOUSES. First will be Draco malfoy, i walked up to the stool and the sorting hat was put on my head. it yelled slytheirin.

Next will be hermione granger. agian it was lowered onto her head and yelled Slytheirin. Next Ron weasley it was lowered and yelled Griffindor. Harry potter will you come here. harry walk up to he stool and sat it was lowered and started to talk "hmm mabye griffindor." than it yelled Slytheirin. i finished diner i went to the dungeons and i said the password and got into the common room. i sat on the couch with a book.

i looked at the fire. "i thought when i saw him my heart skip. but what if he doesin't like me." when i heard harry come in i thought "oh god he is sexy."
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Save me

Save me » reviews
harry has been abused all his life. than it all changed cause of one person DM/HP
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,067 - Reviews: 4 - Updated: 7-12-09 - Published: 6-26-09 - Draco M. & Harry P.

As an example I post the first paragraph:

DON'T PLEASE. I GOT PUNCHED OW!! NO PLEASE STOP OH!! "SHUT UP YOU ASSHOLE!!" UNCLE VERNON YELLED as he swung for another hit to my face. there was blood coming down the side of my face. "OW. FUCK YOU I YELLED AS I TRIED TO HIT VERNON. THAN OUT OF NO WERE THERE WAS A KRACK AND I WAS OUT COLD. i heard a laugh than i hit the floor. i woke up. i tried to move my arms but the woudin't move. than i tried to move my legs they wouldin't move ethier i got my hearing back and it sounded like i was in the car i heard vocies i heard the car stop i tried o open my eyes when i opened them i coudin't see anything. i felt a pain in my head. OW!! i just got punched in the stomach. vernon picked me up and through me out of the car and i rolled down the hill hitting many rocks and sticks. i finale stoped and started to crie i must have layed there for 2 hours. when i heard someone coming to me. i heard rustleing and undid the rope around me. i looked at him it was a boy with blonde hair. and there was someone next to him i think it is his father. "look daddy it is a kid." said the boy."he needs help." said the man. he picked me up and put me in the backseat. and drove off i said "what is going on?" i asked. "we are going to help you." the man said. "my name is draco." said the boy."i am harry." i said. "my name is lucius malfoy." the man said. "how did these happen?" lucius asked. "i don't know." i said.
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Now I really am curious. Let's have a look at his profile:

hello i am 16 i am a girl

i will be writing a harry potter fanfics

i am done writing another chapter harry potter fanfic so please read it
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</this is messed up>

Mercenary · Aug 24, 2009

Dark Minion said: ↑

snip
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... You like tutoring yourself dont you?

LadyKitti · Aug 25, 2009

hello i am 16 i am a girl

i will be writing a harry potter fanfics

i am done writing another chapter harry potter fanfic so please read it
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Did this girl not go to school past the second grade? I was writing better then this when I was 8 years old. I swear this girl would have given my grammar teacher a hissy fit.

ChaosGuy · Aug 25, 2009

She needs to use the power of the almighty capital and punctuation mark.

Dark Minion · Aug 26, 2009

Warning.
Rape Fic ahead.
Contains rape, abuse, violence, torture, and more.
Read at your own risk.

Ok. Now you have been warned. Here are the links and the summary:

THE ARESOME CROSSOVER FOURS TO SAVE THE WROLD by Supersonic Sphinx reviews
this is my story about 5 frends and 4 enenies from differnt universies but the websiret only lets me show 2 so i put in 2. im' stil riting this so be read yfor a new bit!
Rated: K - English - Adventure/Mystery - Chapters: 1 - Words: 729 - Reviews: 6 - Published: 4-25-09 - Albus D.

Some might be confused by its title, but like a lot of good books, the title on the cover is slightly different from the title on its first page:

THE ORESOME CROSSOVER FOURS TO SAVE THE WROLD

At the moment there is just one chapter posted. It's called:

CHAPTER ON

THEH FIFE FREINDS
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I am not quite sure if this chapter is intended to introduce the main characters or if it is already preparing the plot. It starts with a phone call:

one day doctor ivo robotnk from sonic was sitting in his hose in the green hill zone and playing wordl of warcraft with his nerdy friends over the computer when he got a pohne call from his friend albus dumbledoor from the harry potter books. ivor obotnik leaned over his coffeee mug and picked up the phone.

"hello this is dr ivo robotkin." said rototnik.

"hello robotnik this is your frend ablus." said dombledure in reply.

"oh hi albie hos it going." robotnik smiled.

"me and the guys were going to orgynise a boleing game on the weekedn and fought you migth wan tto come withus."

"wow that sound fun. okay i'm gonna come. where is it?" robotnik drink from his coffee and killed an goblun on worle of warcruft.
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The excerpt above demonstrates the author spent some time on researches before he started to write. He mentions a detail only few Harry Potter fans are able to recall: Dumbledore enjoys (or rather enjoyed, the poor bloke) tenpin bowling.

The next part shows the author also has an indept knowledge of British culture:

dubmle dore put down the phone and tunrd to bakura who was in the same room where he was.

"ivo said he would liek to com boleing with us on the weekend." he said with a smiles.

"oh that is bolly." said bakura from yu-gi-oh because he was britich. "so did you remember to take you pills this morning?"

"oh poop i forgot again." said dublindoor.

"well the doctor said you need to take your pills in the morning to stop your mental sickness from happening."

"i'll go take them now." dongledptr said with a sad face. then he went upstairs to where his pills were to take them. bakura sied and drank his tea because he was british.
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And we already have a hint at a possible future twist. Most authors deal with the problem how to get rid of Dumbledore in an acceptable and readable way. Will Albus forget to take his pills? Will Voldemort switch the pills with Viagra and cause a heart failure?

The story gets a bit repetitive when Bakura gets home. Another phone call introduces another main character:

bakura got home and got his tea out of the microwave and turned on the tv to watch the bbc because he was briish. he was going to sit down but he got a call on thr phone so he went to ansrwe it.

"good morning your spaking to bacura." he said.

"hi bakura this is bruce." said bruce the sniper from tf2.
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I can't recall if the sniper, a fake Australian, actually has a name at all. Other fanfiction authors covering that universe usually name their characters "Sniper". Well - the TF2 characters are usually a bit flat, and the author manages to deepen the characters with additional traits:

bruce was in his bedroom updating his furiffinity with his new picttures and furry fanfics because he was secretly a furry but noone else new.
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The author really knows how to create tension. Another phone call introduces another character, Wario, and then the chapter reaches its climax and ends with a cliffhanger:

MEANWHILST LOTS OF SMILES AWAY...

a mysterious mamn was packing a sparklying object iton his sootcase. "now everything is gong on my plan." he said in a garvley voice then cogged and took a couh sweet because he had a courf. "when everythink comes togeth eri can put my panl into action."
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For a first chapter this really is a great start. Even the usually rather contained readers at fanfiction.net praise story and author:

Umm... sorry, but I'm not going to even try to read this until you fix the grammar. Big time. It's... difficult to read with all the grammar errors. >_>
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EPIC fail!
Perhaps you should invest in a Beta? Who speaks English?!
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Let's be frank, just between us, this sucks even for a troll.
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This is why 9 year olds shouldn't be allowed on the internets.
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Now did it contain everything I promised above?

Yes, it did!

Rape: Several fandoms, including but not limited to Harry Potter, TeamFortress 2 (it's posted as HP/TF2 crossover), Sonic, SuperMario
Abuse: The English Language, its grammar and spelling
Violence: Logic
Torture: The Reader

Sesc · Aug 26, 2009

This is epic awesomesouce.

It has My Immortal-level mangling of words. Did you track the Dumbledore variants? The wizard from Ireland, Dublindoor? Or Albus' sad russian cousin, Dongledptr?

"i'll go take them now." dongledptr said with a sad face. then he went upstairs to where his pills were to take them. bakura sied and drank his tea because he was british.
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HAHAHAHAHA. Oh god. I'm dying here.

ChaosGuy · Aug 27, 2009

That story has to be a parody of My Immortal, there is no way that is a serious story.

Veri · Aug 28, 2009

Yeah, I'm calling troll. No fucking way is that real.

ZeroTheDestroyer · Aug 28, 2009

Veri said: ↑

Yeah, I'm calling troll. No fucking way is that real.
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You would think that wouldn't you, but...

Commander Kellen is on Earth recruiting women for his planet’s sex-starved males. Not particularly excited by human anatomy, he seeks nothing more for himself than the occasional slaking of his needs with some anonymous female — which shouldn’t be a problem, since she’ll have to face the other way to accommodate his special anatomical needs.

Dr. Monica Teague is thrilled with her ten-year assignment caring for Garathan’s sexual recruits. Her quirky looks and childish excuse for a body guarantee she’ll never be expected to put out — which is kind of a bummer, now that she’s up to her armpits in horny alien beefcake.

But, when an overdose of alien pheromones makes Monica drunk off her ass, Kellen quickly claims the odd little doctor before another Garathani realizes what she is. The overdose sparks a violent chain reaction in her, and when Monica finally wakes, she’s got the body of a porn star — and two sexy alien mates who are determined to tame her.
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This is a real book. When you run into this shit, you realize nothing is too hard to believe, and girls are 100x more perverse than the rest of us.

scaryisntit · Sep 9, 2009

Harry Potter and Luna by Jdog1o1
Sorry i messed this up the first time- harry tries convincing Luna that she knows him read to find out more.
Rated: K - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 369 - Published: 9-8-09 - Harry P. & Luna L.

Another atrocity, this time in the Harry/Luna field. It essentially has Harry singing the Potter Puppet Pals song "The Mysterious Ticking Noise" to Luna, who has no idea who he is. The punchline? She was kidding. She knew who he was all along. Christ.

Schrodinger · Sep 10, 2009

Harry Potter and the Long Lost Relative by Lizzie1995 Rated G
Summary: Summary: this is about Harry finding out that he has on other relative other than the Dursleys and a new character will be introduced how is harry related to this person read to find out!!!
Characters: All, All | Genre: Action/Adventure
Keywords: Relative | Chapters: 2
Category: Harry Potter Alternate Universe | Reads: 363
Date Added: 2007-06-30 21:38:59 | Date Updated: 2007-07-06 14:20:35
This, this, a million times this.

You know you want to open the link.

Aekiel · Sep 10, 2009

Hover over the link. See www.ginnypotter.com. Decide not to click the link.

Andro · Sep 12, 2009

Aekiel said: ↑

Hover over the link. See www.ginnypotter.com. Decide not to click the link.
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It starts with:

It was a dark and stormy night at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and `Wizardry.
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Figures.

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