True on the book part. Even Hagrid's presumably Board approved book bit people with a ravenous hunger. Can't imagine what dark arts books would do, though I don't think that a curse that would make you speak in limericks for the rest of your life is irreversible.

 

I thought that, too. I mean, if he's cautious enough to send a flame-whip at a group of kids practising spells...well, okay, a group of kids practising Dark Arts, but as quoted above, Calypso seems to know a fair bit.

But a nice update. Awaiting more.

 

I like the thing you did with the library and having Harry be able to stay their while everyone else was under suspicion for throwing a offensive spell in the library. Not only does it make sense but it was a interesting way for Harry to have more peaceful studying time.

I dislike how you had him looking at Dark Arts books yet not learning anything "dark" or "dangerous". That seemed really dumb. He was just attacked but yet all of a sudden he doesn't want to learn anything even if it might protect him because they are "dark" or "dangerous" spells. That seemed to come totally out of left field and I didn't understand why you even had it in their.

"Harry noticed that a few of them had their wands out and seemed to be practicing a spell. Still slightly on edge from his attack, and unsure if they were going to try to hit him with whatever they were practicing, Harry jabbed his wand at the group and sent his small flame whip at them. The other first years barely avoided the fire, and quickly ran off as fast as they could all the while shouting insults at Harry. "

wtf? I am usually in favor of preemptive attacks but throwing flame whips at random first years because your jumpy seems absolutely f'ck'n ridiculous.

"Harry reached out to take the book with a thankful expression on his face, but at the last second Calypso pulled the book back. “You owe me a favor,” she said, her light blue eyes intently meeting Harry's bright green ones.

After a moment, Harry nodded his head in agreement,"

This part had me annoyed. Are you telling me your Harry is somehow so stupid now he would get himself into a situation where he would agree to owe a favor to a complete stranger. Especially over a f'ck'n book in a library where he can just get the book when she puts it back. Isn't that a bit dumb? If it was her book and the only way he could get it would be to owe her a favor MAYBE their is a slight chance he would except but is he honestly so stupid that he would owe some random person a favor over a public book he can just take out after she puts it down?

How is telling somone a place is in Siberia a prank worth laughing over? He is in a cold barren place so he might as well be in Siberia. If he was on a tropical island and managed to trick his brother into thinking he was in Siberia it might be slightly funny.

Maybe I am just in a bad mood but I didn't find this update to be particularly good at all.

I didn't mind the Polanski comment.

 

2 issues:

1.) Harry attacking 1st years without provocation. If they attacked him its one thing. But they didn't. And he acknowledges that they COULD NOT have sent the bone breaking curse.

As someone who was an outcast at Hogwarts and was bullied there, it doesn't make sense for him to pick on his peers. Not older students, but kids his age whom he has surpassed. What does it demonstrate? "Great work, Harry. With your extra mother's training, Voldemort's tutelage, and your own talent and diligence, you are now able to successfully defeat and terrify 11 year olds who most likely had nothing to do with the attack on you."

(They might know the person who did, but you never set this up or address it.) Thus, Harry is a bully. Unless you're setting him up to realize it, that this is the path he has begun to walk.

2.) Polanski was caught dosing a first year with a love potion and raping her. Because the girl was a muggleborn and Polanski a pureblood, the French Ministry of Magic allowed him to remain at home under house arrest while awaiting trial....Other students came forward and accused him of giving them love potions when they were at Beauxbatons. Fearing that he could be facing serious jail time in France, Polanski fled to his cousin Igor, who provided him with sanctuary at Durmstrang, much to the annoyance of an irate French Ministry of Magic.

What of Durmstrang parents? They don't care that a serial pedophile who once attacked children is now back in a position to repeat his actions? I get that this is some sort of Roman Polanski reference, but it feels forced and is irrelevant to the story. And there is a big difference in a pedophile returning to a position where he works with children again.

And I doubt they were all muggleborns. And even if they were, in the absence of Muggleborns, what is the most logical conclusion? That he'd stop, or would he move on to Purebloods and Half-bloods because that's what is available.

In addition,
It also jeopardizes Igor's position. Suddenly he is a man who HARBORS pedophiles AROUND CHILDREN. This either has to be a major sub-plot (backlash against Igor, with Polanski potentially having Blackmail material) or it should be excised. If it was as casually thrown in as it appears, then I say excise it to avoid distraction. Oaths and such can have loopholes, as shown repeatedly in canon, and there is no need to open your doors and willingly invite a fox into the hen house.

In Terms of Pacing:
I think move it forward faster. The plot is idling, and there seems to be a drift occurring.

What is this year about? Establish it, do it, and move on.
There needs be a genuine sense of movement and stakes here, and childish pranks are not enough. Those serve as setting and character development to main plot.

Think of Canon 1st year, the troll was a dangerous creature that no student could control and there were genuine stakes established. Gringotts theft. Nicholas Flamel. The Unicorn "half, cursed life" killer. Advanced attack on Harry's broom. And there is the mystery of who is trying to steal the Philosopher's Stone, an object of enormous magical power. There is something for Harry to do.

This, Harry received a rough hazing and doesn't like it. And he's studying while he struggles to make pals.

What do you need to say? Get in, get out. Brevity is a strength. More is not better. Its just more words.

 

You bring up a good point about the Polanski thing not making sense I hadn't thought of it like that when I wrote my post. It does seem strange Igor would risk his own personal kingdom to save his pedophile cousin from jail time. You also make a good point about the parents of Durmstrang students probably complaining about a pedophile. They may accept corporeal punishment because they are old school type of people but child abusers seems extreme.

Since your review was very insightful I was wondering what you thought about the part where Harry owes a favor to a random first year who offers him a book from the Durmstrang public library.

 

Its a small gesture designed to set up a character for later.
THe point isn't the book (which may or may not be decent) but the character its introducing.

Something needs to be the opening volley.

 

"Vikto helped him when he could" - Viktor

"Harry looked around for a something good to read" - remove "a"

"He wasn't sure how how a girl" - double "how"

 

Power of love = Getting your dark wizard twin brother to kill Voldemort for you?

 

Its only a favor.
Whats the big deal.
IF she ever wants help with a subject or anything.
He isnt promising his firstborn you know. Its not even a promise or anything. If she asks something unreasonable he can just say Fuck off. Whatsshe gonna do, cry to the world about how Harry Potter isnt returning a favor?

 

@Chatoicblue: Sonnetts of a Soccerr is one of the few canon dark arts books. It's mentioned somewhere as being in Hogwarts' Restricted Section

@Jigo: Harry's fall into the dark arts will be a slippery slope. It wont happen all at once.

@ChuckdaTruck: Damn you for pointing out plot holes in my bashing of Polanski. I'll probably go back and edit most of the rape crap. As far as pacing, chapter 5 was initially supposed to be apart of chapter 4, but I thought chapter 4 got too long so I split it up. So if it moves a little slower than usual that's the reason.

As far as Harry cursing the other first years, I think I probably need to tone it back a little. Flame whip sounds like what Dumbledore did to Riddle in the Department of Mysteries. The fire Harry was playing around with was the same thing that Riddle used to write his name in CoS. The point I was trying to make with that attack was that Harry is somewhat jumpy around people in his Dark Arts class, since he feels they, more than anyone, have reason to dislike him. After reading through the scene, I realize that I didn't make that clear, so, again, I'll go back and make the necessary changes.

 

The 'you owe me a favor' line irked me the same way Rule of Slytherin or Slytherin 'I'll help you if you help me' is so transparent.

The girl helps him. He knows the girl helps him. The trick to getting people to doing you favors at future and potentially awkward times is to either have shit on them, or to have them no that keeping you happy is in their best interest. Anytime a character has to verbally remind someone that they'll be expecting a favor at a future date is someone who's doing it wrong.

We, the reader, can figure out she's not doing it out of the kindness of her heart. If at a later date she tries to get Harry's help on something he'd rather not do (and she's shown up enough times to prove herself useful/capable of blackmail) then we're not going to question it. In fact, we'll give her points for not being blatant about it.

Polanski made me lol. Stylistically though, it was out of story. I'd keep it for the lulz, but try to blend it in a little better.

 

-Laughs-

Exactly! Not only that, but you let him convince you that It'd be better if he stays out of the spotlight 'Just in case'.

(I maintain Aberforth killed Grindwald and convinced Albus to take the credit 'For the greater good')

 

Uh, Grindwalde was thrown into prison not killed. If I remember correctly Voldemort later meets and kills him in his cell.

 

-Shakes head-

Oh no, Rowling got to you too. No she just added that bit for the slightly older kiddies. In reality Aberforth Eviscerated him, Stuck his head on a pike, and then rammed it through Hitler's chest.

This of course was hardly believable to the mundanes, so the department of mis-information changed it to look like a murder/suicide in an old bunker.

 

Well if the girl decides to call in the favor at a much later date when Harry is more evil-ish and she is in no position to enforce it, I don't see why Harry would bother if the favor she calls in is inconvenient for him (unless she gots the connexionz).

 

Well, If he laughs in her face when she tries to call him on it, it will be fucking epic.

 

I'd actually leave it as is. She is, after all the same age as Harry, so who is to say she is actually clever enough at this age to pull off the trading for favors scheme she tries here?

 

I advocated using "Harry" for the BWL and "Nathan" for the OC protagonist six weeks ago. Potter Law I has a very good reason, but this is not an AU where the canon protagonist is changed to be a prodigy but an AU where the canon protagonist is exactly the same as JKR wrote him, only the focus of the story is the OC. Let the canon character keep his name, and invent a new name for the OC. People like the story as is, and I think they would have liked it the same if the names were reversed. Nobody even called "Stu" yet, despite some warning signs.

For the record, it's 4.5/5 for me, currently.