I seriously don't understand the criticisms here. Harry is emotional. He can cast emotion based spells well. He cannot occlude his emotions worth a damn. He has a hard time concentrating past his emotions. If he were to turn dark, he would clearly master the unforgiveables. If mouth-breathers like Pettigrew can do it, Harry can.

Age 12 is probably too young to achieve mastery. meh. The whole point of wild AU's is to get Harry out there on a limb. Dark Harry's, especially so.

As said before, this fic is WIN despite all those problems. If the style and plot are sufficiently original and interesting, much else can be forgiven. This fic is not as epic as some others, but we have some real assholes on this site that are skewing the odds for all of us lesser talents. Still, this fic is a solid four stars, IMHO.

 

I finally got around to reading this, and I'm damn glad that I did. This is good. Like OP said, the best recent dark!Harry I've seen.

Tonk training in Hogwarts was a bit of a cliche meeting, but otherwise nothing jarred my mind.

And your fic is just oozing awesome. I could go on and on about his magic's manifestation inside his mind, his mindscape, his magic usage, the dementor cloak, the rosary, on and on... it might give a slight vibe of trying too hard, but it's still succesfully awesome.

Quite a rush to read, too. You sure this is your first fic? The quality of writing is easily 4/5, and not far from 5/5. If you have something, it's talent at writing. The general mood, the descriptions fit very well for this kind of story.

Favorited, and 5/5.

 

The mindscape is a little confusing and blurry for me. By far, my favourite bits have been the brief Tonks interactions. Why is she so damn loyal to Harry? That's what hooked me.

 

So If I were Harry Potter, I could theoretically conjure a room full of naked women to service me with sufficient... emotion?

 

Well, since my post got tagged, I feel obliged to reply (even though i don't know why we're discussing magical theory in the preview-a-fanfic thread - oh the nerdlingering). Mind you, I said that emotion shouldn't necessarily play a part in the casting of spells. At least, I don't think it should. I don't see JRK or whoever writing "he cast a Stunner, a filled with hate, dripping-with-emotion stunner that was as red as his eyes" or some similar drivel. Even so; if you can make it work like Anonymous did, then you should go ahead and have your story's magic work work with emotions and intent, or you could have your magic flip planets upside down because of an utterance.

And, yes, I'm quite sure there ought to be spells that summon naked women that serve you. Now, be a good boy and share it with us, if you stumble upon one. ;D

 

The only issue I have with this story is that it's short. A minor misgiving, but this can still go anywhere. It's kind of hard to judge it, especially when teenage angst is his source of amazing power. I mean, the story doesn't stand out yet. His characterization of Bella is okay, but Tonks makes me :/ and Harry himself is not that well developed yet. Whenever he does anything he just says "freedom" which just isn't enough of an explanation for me.

 

It's a WIP with a reasonable update rate and a pretty good chapter length. How can length possibly be a 'problem'? That's like saying the only problem I have with French literature is that it is written in French.

 

Updated. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5866937/5/Control

I'm not 100% happy with Tonks if I'm honest, but hopefully I'll warm to writing her with practice. I love the character.

Thoughts?

Edit:

I was afraid of that response - the only defense I can offer is that it's a pity so many of Bella's words affected Harry but her warnings to his arrogance went completely unheeded.

Thank you - in hindsight, it was a bit excessive and I'll tone it down in future chapters.

Harry was rather worried about Dumbledore's response if he forced his hand, as he owes the man his freedom(loathe as he is to admit it). There's a scene in the next chapter that should better flesh this out, as Harry is still waiting on the talk Dumbledore mentioned.

 

Well this went to shit fast. Harry's being the prototypical doucheface, and I hate him already.

He's spouting all the stupid mudblood/blood-traitor shit, and just seems to hate everyone and everything. I wish someone would write a Dark!Harry that wasn't immature!Harry. And the sheer level of Dumbledore hatred is just annoying.

 

I read it as Harry trying to get under their skin, not as his true beliefs - he thinks he's better than everyone, not just mudbloods.

I liked the update, the only thing I had problem with was seizure of Harry's accounts: ffs, it was fucking impossible in canon for the Ministry to do so.

 

Eh? Wasn't the whole first part of the prologue about how much Harry despised Dumbledore for dumping him with the Dursleys and allowing Ginny to be taken and killed in the chamber? He did try to kill Dumbledore, did he not? I would say that showing any sort of civility towards Dumbledore is incredibly mature on Harry's part.

Wasn't so much of a fan of the mudblood spewing, though. Just because Bellatrix forced him to use the word shouldn't negate the affectionate feelings and memories he has for his mother nor should it radicalize his worldview. He was in prison after all, not actually having these thoughts in practice.

 

This ^ ...

When I read about the Potter's money seizure, I was for a moment happy that you'll add another obstacle down the path for the boy, making it more interesting in that way, but instead you gave him "teh Black Ring" and pretty much made it too easy for him. I've got no idea on where you're planning to take this, but giving him money and a Lord title was the first plot objection you're getting from me. I'd even go ahead and say that it was rather disappointing.

Just thinking about Draco inheriting everything and the reaction on Harry's part when he learns that he was stripped off from, yet another, source of power that can easily back him up on his thinking of superiority - it would have made for a much better read. Although that's my opinion at the current stage, and I'll say it again that I've got no idea why you did it and what you're setting it for, further down the story.

One more thing is - I'm a big fan of Tonks' character, but her/your constant use of ya, annoyed me to no end. It's one thing to use it once or twice, it's totally another reading it every time a major character opens her mouth. I do hope you won't stick to it for the chapters to come.

I have nothing against "the prototypical doucheface", just as long as you keep in mind what you said " it's a pity so many of Bella's words affected Harry but her warnings to his arrogance went completely unheeded", and take him down a peg, sooner than later.
Edit: thinking about it - being emancipated and with the Black money I have some really hard time imagining how/what anyone could do to the boy. It was left unclear as well why he allowed for his "guests" to remain in the house, when there was absolutely nothing there to stop him from calling the ministry or using the goblins to have them out?! I'd even say that it didn't make sense, unless Tonks convinced him to do it as a favor to her, which wasn't mentioned.

Overall I didn't like the chapter as much as I like the previous four, for the reasons explained above, and yet I should say that the story is going strong and I can't wait to read the next one.

 

Very rarely is a story not WIP on here, but this story is pretty short to be recommending. And see? Suddenly, he's an heir. Story could go really downhill from here, despite the good beginning.

The update rate is not worth mentioning because it's not even a month old. Anybody can stay active with a story for a month. Past that? That's dedication a lot of people have trouble keeping (myself included).

Latest chapter was okay... but I hate Tonks (she feels "dumb" in a way, I guess, or at least subservient - can't place it). Why is she guarding Harry again? Talk about the worst person. She's only his closest friend and not even that skilled (considering Harry's killed two fully trained aurors already). Dumbledore's reasoning for picking her better be good.

 

Excellent so far except for a few things:

1. Why reuse the cliche of the Lord Black, Lord Malfoy, Lord Potter, etc.. ? Just keep the estates, and ignore the whole Lords thing.
2. The increasing amount of mudblood/bloodtraitor cursing is unneccessary for what you can do with him. Have his insults more planned out and original.
3. The matter of Griphook being the account manager. He was a teller up front, and whats more it's too cliche. Not hard to get over, but still.
4. Lordly influence over the Ministry. No. No. No. That just ruins any sort of maneuvering and scheming, IMO. Have it be an old-boys network of purebloods, have it be just plain corruption and money involved, but Lordships is just silly.
5. I agree with psihary. If you have a small insert into the Tonks/Harry scene where she convinces him to put up with them for a short while, it could be a good little humor scene, a heartwarming one, or just clearer as to why they're still there.

 

He's an heir in the same sense he was in canon. Sirius's will.

 

More constructive criticism! :awesome

Keep variety in your characterization and what your characters say. You have a talent for writing setting - the landscape in Harry's mind can easily demonstrate that, being remarkably vivid and cool to read. By contrast, your dialogue has started to suck pretty hard. Bella was overusing Ickle too much in my book [I mean yeah, she's a crazy bitch from azkaban], Tonks is overusing 'ya', as was noted earlier, and Harry's overuse of mudblood etc.

On a similar vein, Tonks's ability being able to tone down Harry's anger should be explained further - I get the impression that, at least in the first couple chapters, she has this effect on him because she was his only friend earlier, NOT because he loves her. However, the whole thing with 'RAGEMODE HARRY IMA KILL YOU Oh wait I just looked at Tonks <3' made it seem a bit too far into a straight pairing. Make her make him consider what he's doing by himself as opposed to just a straight personality switch.

Lastly, another request for toning down on the MUDBLOOD! spouting, excessively violent just for the sake of being excessively violent in public!Harry. I mean, yes, he just went to Azkaban and that's kind of the point of this story, but the title is *Control*. Make Harry use some. It isn't fun to read Harry acting like Malfoy, but it IS fun to read him as a more manipulative Dark wizard.


In all, I feel like this first actual chapter is far away from the quality that we'd seen earlier chapters, and seems as if another author is writing it. If you have time or effort, I'd recommend editing it some before posting the next chapter.

 

I didn't really mind all the Mudblood and Blood Traitor rage and stuff. It's his first day out of Azkaban after an entire year, and he's understandably pissed. Hopefully, the very last line of the chapter, "Control yourself, Potter.", suggests that he realizes that he's taking things way too far overall, and not specifically with the incident with Hermione.

He's justified in throwing a hissy fit, as long as it doesn't last. Next chapter should be in the vein of "Lets get my shit together and start thinking."

 

Also, please don't lose sight of the fact that Harry's still in his early teens.

His vocabulary seems pretentiously verbose for that age. If I met someone who talked like that and they were only 14 I'd punch them in the face.

 

I liked it. Not really much to say here from me, except that I think the title would've been better as A Will To Shatter Stars.

 

This. Easily the worst part of the chapter, true, but he's just spent a year in Azkaban with only Dementors and Death Eaters for company. I'd be surprised if he *wasn't* being a dick. Hopefully it won't last long, but at the moment it's ok.