Two identical twins went to interview for the same job. After the interviews were over, the boss called them both into his office.

"You two are far and away the most qualified for this position. But, the problem is that I can't rightly choose between you. You went to the same college, had the same major, got the same grades and were both in the same extracurricular activities. The only fair way to choose is to come up with a contest. Both of you compete and the winner gets the job. What do you say?" The boss asked.

The boss explained that the contest was that they each had five minutes to come up with a poem. At the end of the five minutes, the best poem would win and get the job. The only stipulation was that the poem had to include the word "Timbuktu." The twins agreed and were promptly sent to separate rooms. When the time elapsed, the twins rejoined him in his office.

"Allright. Who wants to go first?" The boss asked.

"I will." Said Ron.

Clearing his throat, Ron began;

Across the burning desert sands,
drove the camel caravan.
Beasts of burden, two by two,
Destination; Timbuktu

Needless to say, the boss was very impressed with the poem and was all set to award Ron the job.

"Now hold on there a minute, sir. I'm pretty proud of my poem, too." Jon said.

"Of course, of course." Said the boss, waving for Jon to continue.

Jon cleared his throat. He recited:

Me and Tim, a-huntin' went,
found three whores in a tent,
they were three, but we were two,
So, I buck one and Tim buck two.

 

How does a hermit pay for his mortgage?
Alone.

Did you hear about the national farmer awards? The winner was outstanding in his field.

:awesome

 

[FONT=&quot]Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.



[/FONT] A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are having lunch outdoors opposite a hotel. They see two people go in, and a few minutes later, 3 people go out.
"The 2 must've reproduced," said the biologist.
"There is no such law as conservation of people," said the physicist.
"If one more person enters the hotel, it will be empty" said the mathematician.




How to start each day with a postive outlook:

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it "George W. Bush."

3. Send it to the trash.

4. Empty the trash.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid
of "George W. Bush?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better?

 

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?

Spoiler

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage

How do you punish Helen Keller?

Spoiler

Rearrange the furniture

 

I thought you were supposed to

Spoiler

leave the plunger in the toilet?

:awesome

 

Might not be a punishment...

Two fish were in a tank. One turned to the other and said, "You man the guns, I'll drive."

 

Here are some good Harry Potte Jokes...

1. Knock, knock!
Who's there?
You know!
You know who?
It's okay, he's dead! You can say his name now, silly!

 

None of these are mine, but still cute.
-------------

Why did the Weasely cross the road?

Somebody tossed a knut.


------------------

Q:Why did Crabbe and Goyle cross the road?

Araco did

-----------------

Q: Why did Professor Snape stand in the road?

A: So no one could tell what side he was on.

-----------------

Three girls, a Hufflepuff, a Ravenclaw, and a Slytherin are all first years- which is the sexiest?

The Hufflepuff because she is seventeen.

------------------

A blind wizard walks into a pub. He says to the barkeep, "Want to hear a Hufflepuff joke?" The pub goes completely silent. The barkeep says, "Sir, I am a Hufflepuff. I'm used to handling a rough crowd alone. I have my wand drawn. The wizard to your left is an auror with his wand drawn. He too is a Hufflepuff. The witch on your right has her wand drawn. She is a dueling champion and also a Hufflepuff. Are you absolutely certain you want to tell that Hufflepuff joke?"

The blind wizard says, "Gods no! Not if I'm going to have to explain it three times!"

----------------------------

---------- Post automerged at 05:42 AM ---------- Previous post was at 05:37 AM ----------

I found this on Mugglenet, and it pwns.

You're Too Big a Fan When...


You mutter nonsense latin words under your breath.

You call your least favorite teacher Snape.

Your computer says "You've Got Mail" and you run outside looking for an owl.

You actually ask for a broom for Christmas.

You mutter "lumos" under your breath every time you turn on a flashlight.

You sort everyone you meet into the four Hogwarts houses. (Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Slytherin.)

You were burned when you couldn't get through the flames of your fireplace.

You had to go to the hospital after you broke your nose running headfirst into the wall between platforms nine and ten.

The wand order mistake in GoF drove you crazy, and even after it was "corrected" you still came up with dozens of theories to explain why that happened.

You point a normal things like parking meters and say "Look at the things these muggles dream up!"

You collect plugs.

You try on every piece of silvery fabric your mom has to see if you turn invisible
Before getting up to get something, you always try to summon it first. Accio TV remote!

You watched "Love, Actually" because two minor Harry Potter actors were in it.

You were reduced to tears when you finally had book 5 in your hands.

You refer to your Chemistry class as Potions, and all your friends think you're mad.

You spend hours tapping bricks in special orders hoping that a secret entrance to Diagon Alley will appear.

When playing chess, you yell orders to the chess players and get upset when they don't move.

You yell into the "tellyfone."

You get extraordinarily emotional every time you hear "Hedwig's Theme".
Despite being an American, you use the word "wicked" all the time because Rupert Grint does.

You get thoroughly overexcited every time you see a word somewhere that is distantly linked with HP (ie. Saint Hedwig's).

You name all of your pets after HP characters.

You get in to heated arguments over how much gel Tom Felton had in his hair in the first two movies.

You know that Harry's birthday is July 31, 1980, Hermione's birthday is September 19, 1980 and Ron's birthday is March 3rd, 1980 even though it never said in the books.

You refer to Voldemort as "You-Know-Who", and your friends don't have any idea who you're talking about.

You went out and bought the latest editition of the Webster's Dictionary because they added the word "muggle".

You were kicked out of the movie theater for standing on your chair, throwing your shoe at the screen and yelling "THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN IN THE BOOK!" over and over again, even for the most trivial differences.
You count the days until you're old enough for your apparating license, and everyone else thinks you're talking about driving.




There you have it. Enjoy.

How many Ministers of Magic does it take to light a wand?
<<Just one, but he needs to ask Dumbledore for advice first.>>

 

Based on your performance so far, I'm going to go with Hufflepuff for you. Also, two tips.
1: Learn to edit. It's in the bottom right of your posts.
2: Posting stuff from Mugglenet will not win you many friends here, I suspect...

 

I posted it because i thought it was funny. It's not like i cupped it.

 

Just a polite suggestion.

 

Wow, you people are assholes. Some of those jokes at least made me chuckle.

 

It's less about the jokes and more about how she's an annoying, necroing cunt. We just got rid of turtle7, and now she shows up...

 

Just bad timing on her point. Also, doesn't help her case that she's an idiot, but what can ya do. Also, as someone said, don't post shit from mugglenet. Just don't.

 

You really can't think of anything?

She should go the way of turtle7. As fucking quickly as possible.

 

Well, I suppose when you put it that way, yeah, I can think of one thing.