So I just had a plot-bunny hop into my head after checking in on' Blaise's story A Tale of Two Champions in the WBA forum, the last part which reminded me very much of Dumbledore in HBP. Now, I'm guessing that I'm not alone in thinking that Dumbledore was seriously bad-ass in HBP, the visit to the Dursleys is so epic

Anyway, to the plot bunny. Dumbledore is talking about the Magic protecting Harry at the Dursleys:

So, at age 14 when Harry goes to a Yule Ball... he obviously hooks up with a Hogwarts-hottie and becomes a man. Thus ending the Magical protection at the Dursleys... and gives an excellent start for what is most likely a cracfick Since the Dursleys aren't an option, he can go stay at Sirius' house, where there will be much rejoicing as to why the Magical protections are gone:

Hopefully someone could have a crack at the idea, I'd love to write it myself but I'm rubbish at writing and the idea is too good. At least I think it is

 

This made me grin.

 

I don't know, dude, I think you've got the skill to turn it into a crack-tastic oneshot. Might want to run it past a beta or maybe WBA, but you could do it.

Go for it.

 

Yeah, that could actually work as a crackfic. I don't read many of them, but this could have serious lulz potential.

 

I have a crack/humor story that's been bouncing around my head the last little while. Unfortunately, my plate is already full with my other stories, and I just don't have the time to develop this story right now.

Beware crack, and liberal use of the Dobby character. (I know, taboo.)

Anyways. The idea is as follows. Dobby, like that annoying puppy that you just can't seem to find in your heart to kick away, follows Harry home after COS.

One night, with the Dursleys out of the house, and Harry being the teenager that he is, he spends the night in front of the telly watching a terribly dubbed kung-fu film.

No one ever accused Harry of being a hard worker after all.

Dobby won't take the hint that he's not wanted and so watches with him.

Harry enjoys the movie, but Dobby is gob-smacked by the sheer awesome of watching Bruce Lee fight Chuck Norris.

Dobby becomes obsessed with martial arts after watching it.

He watches every kung-fu film he can find as everyone sleeps (Dobby eventually starts breaking into movie rental places and steals the tapes. "Dobby! You stole movies?!", "Dobby puts them back after! And Dobby is kind; he always rewinds! Not like those other people...")

Eventually he asks permission from Harry to leave in order to seek out a sensei.

Harry has no issues whatsoever with ditching the insane elf.

Harry doesn't see him again for four years.

One day, as Harry is on the run from snatchers in DH, Dobby makes his triumphant return and kicks so much ass it's not even funny. Okay, it may be a little funny.

Uber fighting skills mixed with Dobby's house-elf apparition makes him the ultimate killing machine.

The rest of the story will be alternating chapters. One chapter is a flashback to Dobby's travels, while the next is of the war. So on and so forth.

Dobby's travels:
Dobby, being an elf and all, has some trouble finding a suitable sensei. He lucks out eventually by finding a blind monk hermit living in an old hut in the mountains.

With the monk's limited understanding of the english language, he does not notice Dobby's terrible grammar.

Anyways. Dobby and Harry end the war and all that crap. Not important. Epic Dobby killing skills vs. lazy and flabby death eaters.

The gigantic power gap between Dobby and everyone else will be played up for the lulz.

A decade after the war, Harry rents a new movie.

Star Wars: Attack of the Clones.

They watch the lightsaber fight at the end. You know the one. The one with Yoda hopping around and being a total ninja badass.

Harry feels a chill go down his spine as he hears the gob-smacked elf mumble, "Dobby needs a lightsaber..."

I want to write this story simply because of the end line.

I know it's complete and utter crack, but I think I could make it work.

-PP

 

I didn't even bother reading on after that.

 

Could be improved if it was Hedwig who became a master of martial arts.

 

I thought it was actually pretty lulzy, though still totally retarded. I'd read it if I had nothing better to do.

 

^This. Dobby know Kung-Fu!!

 

That could be arranged.

Through a terrible potions accident, Hedwig grows fists and a taste for violence.

Trained by the great Chuck Norris in awesome, and sporting a mighty neck beard, Hedwig rights all the wrongs as she sees fit.

I see potential here...

-PP

 

House-elves are actually all the same species as Yoda.

 

Not an idea for a whole fic just the magic system.

I've decided to totally ditch the concept of magical cores, the idea is that magic is in the air around us, just another part of the air that we breathe.

The difference between muggles and wizards is that wizards store the magic they breathe in their blood the same way we do oxygen but muggles don't, they breathe it in and then they breathe it out again.

Because wizards have magic in their blood they radiate it just like we radiate heat. That's where wands come in because they can pick up the magic that wizards emit and send it out again.

Wand movements, incantations etc are just a way to help us, sort of initiating the spell.

Some people are capable of channelling magic right through their hands thus eradicating the need for wands but this is simply through a lot practice and the spells that one can do without a focus like a wand are so hard to do they are really just a party trick and a way to impress disgruntled parents and impressionable first years.

Magical strength is just an illusion because everyone has the same amount of magic in them (unless some people live in a vacuum, which I doubt) but some people are simply capable of depleting the magic in their system at a faster rate than others, just like some people have greater lung capacity or can go without food for longer. The amount of magic one can use without becoming magic deprived increases as one gets older but drops once they reach their elder years.

Vampires can't breathe and that is why they drink wizards' blood because it's the only way they can get magic into their system. They need more magic than wizards do because it is what they use to move their muscles and all the other things a body is required to do. The magic in a person's blood replaces the oxygen that they can't have.

Werewolves are caused by a bacteria that gets into the blood system contaminating any magic that is accumulated so that when full moon comes along the wizards own magic forces the change. This is why muggles can't be werewolves.

This is only an outline. I won't go so far as to explain spells, I'll chicken out and say that nobody knows how they work they just do. Tell me if there are any holes in the system or any questions.

 

Well with Vampires Im gonna tell you first off that it just couldn't work that way, if that was true then they would need to be drinking blood every few seconds, if magic is the same as oxygen then they would need to be getting some continuously. The entire species would be extinct because they couldn't get more than a few feet max before needing another drink.

 

That's what stomachs are for.

Did you know that if we didn't have stomachs then we would have to eat every twenty minutes?

(You owe me a piece of interesting trivia now, tit for tat and all that.)

Not only that but think about just how much blood is in a human body. I'll have to say that vampires have the same eating habits as snakes and wolves so that way if a vamp gets a nice big drink they can hold off for about a week to ten days before they need more.

EDIT:

Forgot to put in magical plants and animals. There's air in the soil right? Magic in air, air in soil, therefore magic in soil. So normal plants get magic in their system as well.

And then there's also the magic that humans give back to the earth when they die so plants that are situated over area where lots of humans are buried get heaps of this shit. These normal plants end up becoming magical and adapting over many generations and in rare cases become sentient. After the plants themselves have become magical they can be transposed to other places but some very magically needy plants sometimes need certain potions in their water to keep them alive.

And then of course, animals eat plants and so they can become magical in the same way that plants become magical.

Wizards often don't get the magic from plants because the most magically rich plants are the ones we can't eat or are put in potions and thus configured to do a certain job rather than pure and neutral magic. The plants we do eat have such low levels of magic in them that it is all lost in the cooking process.

 

If the magic in the blood is the same as oxygen then its continuously getting used up for every single action they take, if it powers everything they do then its getting used up far far far faster, the average adult has roughly 10 pints of blood in his body IIRC, assuming that not every inch of that is magic he can use it will go retardedly quickly and this is simply assuming he's going very calmly about a simple daily routine if he's going through a humans athletic workout not mentioning anything supernatural and totally setting aside the thought of casting spells it will burn up in a flash.

 

The system when applied to vampirism depends not on how much blood is in a human body but how much magic, if the ratio is right then there won't be a problem.

 

If you want to say magic powers them, thats fine but Im telling you if that if your going the route that magic replaces oxygen and powers every single action they take, the species cannot function.

 

Krogan: it seems to me that these things you are claiming are completely arbitrary "facts" that would be author-stipulated. There's nothing in science nor canon to suggest that, were magic to be something in the atmosphere that is breathed in and then used, that it would have to be "burnt quickly".

I assure you, science is quite silent on matters of magical metabolism.

 

Meh fair enough, it might be my irrational hatred of all vampires stemming from Twilight related things that is causing me to be a dick about it.

 

I don't have a story line, just a plot hole that has been bugging me.

The shrieking shack is considered the most haunted place in Britain. Why? It's in a wizarding only town, so no muggles would ever see the place. Hogwarts has a hundred ghosts in it, shouldn't Hogwarts be the most haunted place? Surely Azkaban has it's fair share of ghosts, unless dementor's eat them (pacman?). Was reading through PoA and this popped up and would not go away