Really? The writer didn't take notice of the fact that you registered very recently, responded to your criticism seriously and rebutted it, and you're the one who's bringing that up? If doesn't matter if the site founder criticized the story or someone who registered five seconds ago, that doesn't change the fact that you were unable to comprehend a very straightforward sequence of events when you should have.

If you want to play the role of the newcomer who's persecuted by the community so you can complain on FFNet about it, fine, DLP will probably oblige, but I can't imagine why you'd want to.

 

Zombie... ok, first of all, in that post I 'stuck to my guns' just fine, reiterating (badly) the problems I had with the story and - out of courtesy and because my first post was rude - promising to amend the original with an actual review when I had a chance to devote some time to it.

I didn't enjoy the story, as I made evident even the first time around, and if you didn't understand why it's really your fucking problem, considering that the bulk of your 'cohesive' comments tend to follow the pattern of 'update, bitch', 'this looks like shit' and 'go die', which are even then to established members - as in, whenever you have five minutes spare between trolling and spewing racist trash. You are the very last person I'd need a crash-course from in forum etiquette. And if I came across to be 'backpedalling' or appearing to be some pussy who won't stick to what he's said, either I'm plain out of practise or, who knows, maybe I was just fucking tired.

Meanwhile,

I am not intending to be anything of the sort. I don't troll, nor do I in any other way set myself up to be 'the newcomer who's persecuted by the community' other than when in a sleep-deprived stupour (fortunately not frequently). In my opinion, I think I'll fit in enough to contribute what I can to the DLP community, 'persecuted' or not. Starting with new and improved G.L. 2.0 reviews that make both sense and, hopefully, a slightly better impression.

The fact is, the writer did take notice but was polite enough not to rephrase his "here's the story because you're stupid" to "idiot newbie, learn to read" or words to that effect. I thought I'd get it over with and, instead of letting people's eyes simply flick over to the avatar, throw my hands up and say, yes, ->n00b<-, made stupid mistake, will fix.

I'm not trailing for sympathy, an easier ride or any sort of amenities, and if I still think IdSay's fic is not for me, the opinion and reasons may not change - the phrasing, however, will.

Sorry for the mix-up.

 

^^

Pretty much sums up my feelings.

You didn't understand it because the plot wasn't spelled out for you and you were too "tired" to read between the lines, eh? What a formidable strategy you have there. Idsaywhynot did a good job of feeding us the clues we needed to determine the situation while also creating an air of mystery that was meant to, and succeeded, in leaving us wanting moar.

Protip:

If you need to revise earlier comments then you a) fucked up and b) should shut up. There's nothing left for you to say here.

Oh, and Idsaywhynot:

His words, not mine.

 

Yo, Geico, I honestly don't give a crap about when you registered. All I care about is the reviewing of my story here, and I am aware that old register date and valuable feedback don't necessarily come hand-in-hand.

In fact, it's you who brought the cuestion of "established member" to this...debate. And funnily enough, I'm not even an established DLP author. Quality of my fic aside, for better or worse, I've been in DLP for a grand total of four months. Some guys have been here for years.

In other words, in DLP - and here I think I speak for myself and for every other half-intelligent poster in DLP - we don't care about the poster's registry date. He who has 5000 posts under his belt and a solid reputation might be respected and held to a certain standard because people already know he is capable, smart and contributes with interesting and different perspectives. A new member can do all of those, too, and if you bring to the table something interesting and worth discussing I personally guarantee people will listen to you and respond accordingly.

The problem here, at least for me, is that you came to this thread, said you didn't like the story because you couldn't understand it, claimed you were tired as an excuse for giving a not-so-in-depth review, and now you're trying to argue your way out of it.

You say you don't need a crash-course in forum etiquette, Geico, but I'll give you one anyway: if you're going to share your thoughts to others in the For Review section, and particularly if your comments are negative and in contrast to the rest that have been posted so far, always make sure you read the whole or at least the majority of the fic in question, so that you can give solid arguments and reasons as to why.

Regardless, thank you for taking the time to read my first two chapters. I'll give your thoughts the weight they deserve when you're done with the rest and feeling 'refreshed'.

Nick


EDIT:

@Tinn:

In an ideal world, then yes, that's true. But let's face it, if you go and say something that is against or in contrast to what everybody else says, it's necessary to have solid reasons and arguments. Maybe not because your posture needs better explaining or otherwise it'd be worthless, but because when you disagree with the majority odds are you won't be taken seriously unless you explicitly and in detail explain why you disagree.

Meh. I don't think Phantom meant for it to be taken so seriously. But maybe he did.

 

Really?

If that post isn't enough to explain Lizard's reaction (by which I refer to the so-called "playing the role of the newcomer who's persecuted by the community"), I don't know what is. In fact, if that post is not a monument of stupidity, I really don't know what is.

Although it's nearly rivalled by this one:

I won't dissect or explain the contents of your or Lizard's posts (which I have read, and understood, but I'm not participating to this debate); but generally speaking, in all and any thread, you, my friend, don't get to say that. Ever, to anyone.

Now if you feel personally offended, take it to PMs. Including with me.


EDIT: Well, IdSayWhyNot posted while I was writing this -- and while I like his post for its optimism and the good review it gives of DLP, I'll cold-shower it. Just a bit. As someone who's been here for years.

It doesn't change anything that he's going against the majority. Any opinion should stand on its own, regardless of what the others say. He doesn't need to justify himself any more than someone who thinks like the majority. On that note, while it is true reviews should contain arguments, I've seen way too many posts merely saying "this is shit, go fuck yourself" (most of them by well-established members). Don't demand from a newb what you don't demand from an older member.

On that note, I'm still astounded everyone ignored Phantom's post (see above)just as they claimed so loudly no one cared about registry dates. No one should care about registry dates. But some obviously do.

As for his review.

Where have you guys been posting? Reading your posts, I get the feeling his review is one of the worst ever to disfigure DLP's Library. Have you been reading the same threads as I have? What kind of happy little bubble is this, where people are persuaded every review on DLP is in-depth, justified, and argumented? I wish it were so, but -- sorry to disappoint you -- this ain't Disneyland.

His review says "I don't like the tone because it's too offhand, the dialogue doesn't help me understand the plot, people's attitudes aren't coherent; and I'm wondering what's going on after 2 chapters." Those are arguments. Suddenly, after you all posted, his arguments transformed into "he didn't like it because he didn't understand a plot that's fairly straightforward." That's only one part of his review, and you already called him out on it.

His problem is that he didn't read all of it, and that he won't do so at once -- because he's tired. Maybe I'm a naïve and fragile little thing, but having had a few experiences of sleep deprivation, it didn't sound like a lethal sin to me. He'll reread the entirety of the story and give a proper review afterwards. I may shock you, again, but plenty of people do that. Drop a comment after a couple of chapters then come back when they've read it all.

Nice and condescending like I love it.



As a conclusion:

Good points were made, by both parties. Bad points were made, again by both parties. Now I'd appreciate it if we could stop this ridiculously unjustified mob-lynching and go back to reviewing the goddamn story.

 

Not really. It was just an offhand comment, but Tinn is right that it was stupid. I doubt it was the entire reason for the thread derailment, but meh, still stupid.

Anyway, back to reviewing the story, etc.

Guess that means I'll have to actually start reading this again. Stopped after chapter three and was going to wait for more chapters to pile up.

 

I usually tend to stay away from a WIP because more times than not they are abandoned, that said I am really glad I choose to start this one anyhow. This is the type of story that keeps my interest and makes me come up with excuses too stay up half the night to " read one more chapter ".

5/5 here

 

Oke doke,

It definitely got better. I'm not sure if the dialogue is actually smoother or if it's just registering better after a few chapters to get used to it, but it has begun to combine well with more focus in the narrative and a very well crafted wizarding world. My remarks on the narrative previously stand, but I'll clarify; it's an abrupt transition from the prologue's Three-Brothers-style abstract to the flesh-and-blood naturalism of chapter one and it threw me off. It being off-hand and flippant are obviously deliberate, because your narrator is also a character. It's one of the reasons I usually out-of-hand do not read first person POV stories, preferring personally an objective narrative.

You're obviously putting a lot of hard work into this; you've built a comprehensive environment for it to take place in, and though Harry and 'Fil' are about as far out of canon as you can get, there are worse derivatives of canon characters in existence, and in much worse fics.
Rereading what I'd read so far helped clear up several issues I'd had. Namely what was going on at the beginning.

I still have an issue with why it's going on, which is part of what flummoxed me originally - what I was trying to express was not 'I can't read, please explain the plot' but rather 'I can read, so why the fuck am I so confused?' - I know the pattern, so valiantly demonstrated by the kids chewing me up above, is to not worry too much about why it's happening and why, for example...

Spoiler

Flitwick uses the term 'Mother of God' instead of wizard/goblin blashpemy, why they're worried about Aurors turning up 'any moment' in the tunnel when they're obviously in a fairly secret location, why they're more comfortable with an obscure, unholy clock managing to catapult them back in time than they are comfortable with a skilled wizard managing to make untraceable portkeys, why Flitwick is remniscing about old times and how much he's looking forward to the jump before, on a whim, he changes his mind to the point where he will duel Harry, etc

... but these are points which you've chosen not to address.

Historical points, however? I know I should simply not ask, but ...

Spoiler

Why does a 1945 wizarding society have more liberal and modern attitudes than a muggle one of the same era? How has Harry managed to get a shiraz he liked 50 years later in war-torn europe (no UK wine imports from France because of the war and not Australian because nobody drank Australian wine)? Why were muggle streetlamps on in London during the blackout? How are the non-magical, bombed out streets 'busy' during this time of oppression and terror? Why have you said the muggle war end in September of '45 when Western European hostilties stopped on the 7th of May? Et cetera

... the problem is, being the type of reader that I am these things, among others, stand out. If I suspend that incomprehension, and stop worrying about the 'why' these things are happening or just shrug and go 'Fuck it, its AU', it's a smoother read... but, even if other readers are happy to simply plough on, I'm not interested in having to doctor the way that I read a story to overlook discrepancies that actually bug me.

Nitpicking at writing quirks aside, the historical stuff... well, either it's a lack of research or simply oversight because they're not going to be integral parts of the story, but it makes it hard for me to get through, and as soon as I've noticed one thing I notice another and another... and it seems sad to have a mostly decent Grindelwald story (or a good crack at one) marred by appearing to have not researched the period it takes place in. I'm the sort of author who, when writing about any period in history, has six books open on the desk and two googles on tabs so that I don't pull a J.K.R. and give a playstation to my character two years before it's been invented.

So - Bottom line: Objectively it's good. Keep working at it, because a lot of people are enjoying it. But in the way it is now: not for me. Even without reading too far into subtext, OoC!Harry in 1st Person doesn't do it for me.

3/5

 

I can agree with this. However, I'm just used to it by now, and while if I thought about all the things that wouldn't match up, I'd just be giving myself a hard time. I've been evolving a bigger depth of disbelief that I give to fics, though, so maybe I'm just weird.

This is also partly why I've withheld a rating; if I were to critically review, like I think DLP should, I'd give it a rounded down 3/5 for current. However, I like the potential this has, and for an enjoyment factor it's sitting at 4/5. I must see more before I can solidly rate either way.

 

Figured it was about damn time that I read this story in its entirety, and dropped a review. Suffice to say, you've got quite the interesting story here, IdSayWhyNot.

Let's start with the good. The dynamic between Flitwick and Harry is great, and the bits of magical theory you drop in add great depth to the story. Couple it with some damn-near excellent description and a good pace and you've got yourself the makings of a good story. Your writing has also markedly improved as the story has continued, so that's a point in your favour.

But, like everything, I've got some issues with your story. For starters, your dialogue outside of the Flitwick/Harry dynamic tends to drag a little. It doesn't really feel real, if you catch my drift. If anything, it's a little clunky, and it doesn't flow particularly cleanly. It's not that it's bad, but it could be better. Same with some of your descriptive passages - most of the time, it's excellent, but other times, it's a little clunky and doesn't really feel organic with the rest of your story.

My second issue is primarily a personal one: I don't feel I know enough about your Harry. He kicks a lot of ass, but he's almost a blank slate of an ass-kicker. I don't feel like I know him enough. You have focused a great deal on developing the 1945-era in phenomenal detail, but I've hardly seen any glimpses into Harry's psyche as a whole. Not a lot of memories, or personal introspection - that kind of disappoints me, because I like seeing those when reading a first-person story. And even though the old timeline isn't hugely relevant anymore, I'd like to see more of Harry's memories from it, flesh out where he and Flitwick came from. It would add some more depth to the characters, and explain why those two (of all people) were the team that ventured back in time.

Finally, my biggest issue: the combat scenes. I'm sorry, IdSayWhyNot, but these are a mess. Your excellent descriptive skills aside, I can't follow what's going on in these fights, and frankly, I find it difficult to care for some characters that are fighting. I can see that you're trying to mirror some of Joe's style when writing the scenes (I can't entirely blame you, he writes some pretty damned epic fights), but your execution falls a little flat. The fights don't feel truly visceral, or evoke any real emotion from me. Your 'pre-combat' scenes, like

Spoiler

when Harry meets Tom Riddle for the first time

are pretty solid, but once the fighting starts, it becomes a bit of a clusterfuck. I'm not saying they're all bad - there are some great moments - but I just find the scenes a bit of a hodgepodge, and a little hard to follow. Unfortunately, the bad tends to overshadow the good in these scenes, and I find it hard to appreciate the good when I can't really care about the fight.

Overall, I'm giving your story a very solid 4/5. You've got a lot of potential with the plot, and I'm really eager to see where you want to take this, but there are some issues that need to be cleared up. Pretty damned good, but a few more steps could make it great.

 

I was going to post an extremely long and detailed response to both of you, but the level of mind-fuckery involved was too daunting.

Some things you mention I had already noticed or somebody else had pointed them out, others came as a surprise, and a few might be because you didn't quite understand or missed some stuff, particularly in geico's post (yeah, you're stuck with that one)

Anyway, there're all things to be fixed some day. Maybe - and this is a huge maybe -- I'll rewrite these scenes. Again.

Thank you both.

 

Figures. Had worse nicks.

If you do, I'd look forward to rereading.

Peace,

G.L.

 

Don't rewrite. Rewriting is bad. Just write better later on. People generally don't like to read rewrites and I'm sure they're not as enjoyable for you to do either. In fact I liked the original where Tom Riddle escaped better then what you changed it into. Just leave things the way they are.

4/5

Rating may go up but as of yet I don't know where this story is going.

 

Well well well. It's been a while since I both visited this thread and read the story.

I remember when I was first commenting on it, I thought it had a LOT of potential, however I do remember the issues I initially had with it, ie the disjointed feeling of the first couple of chapters. After this I took a rather long break from HPFF, but now I finally picked up the story again the other day, as something to keep me entertained when the sun went down while I was on a boat in the middle of the great barrier reef.

Frankly, this is turning out beautifully, if you keep going in the direction you've laid down. The St. Mungo's chapter was just awesomely badass, I love how you play around the concept of reputation, it's something while present in a lot of fics, certainly never reaches it's true potential. You're well on the way to exploring that potential. Hopefully this progresses as it has been.

Pretty much all of the points I would of mentioned, have been mentioned, however they also really deal with the initial chapters. I can't give the story in it's current state a 5/5, though the later chapters are definitely of that level. If the next few chapters you bring out are of the same quality, i'll knock it up from the 4/5 I gave it on the review thread.

Looking forward to updates to this, keep em coming. I'll be following it.

 

I put this up bookmarked as a 'story to read' for far too long before finally getting around to it. That said, from reading it today, without going into detail, I can assuredly claim to have enjoyed the writing so far.

If it maintains the level of quality that it has now, I think I can comfortably give it a four-point rating for now.

 

Thanks for the comments and thanks to whoever wrote that flattering tag at the bottom.

For those who are interested and don't make it a habit of regularly visiting the WBA, I just posted a couple thousands words of the next chapter there.

Here's a link

 

I really don't like this story. Sorry. I wanted to, I really did.

But your Harry is the most unlikeable hero in the history of fanfic.

He's basically a supercharged Ron Weasley. Or possibly Draco Malfoy.

There is absolutely nothing to recommend him. At all. Even Voldemort, as morally bankrupt as he was, at least worked for his power, gained it by intelligence and skill. Harry just seems to be like a kid who's been handed a gun and thinks it makes him a big man.

If people got their just deserts then Harry would have died at least 2 times in the first chapter alone. Once when he went to dispel the fire, once when he dragged Flitwick into the time machine. Both times I was expecting him to suffer extreme backlash. It seemed unusual that an author would just let him get away with acting so rashly. Usually when a person rushes into a dangerous situation out of their depth, they get torn apart. That's kinda how traps and ambushes work.

I really want him to get curbstomped. By Grindelwald, by Dumbledore, by anyone. Just, please, let him die. Or at least be severely crippled.

On the plus side, the writing is technically brilliant. It's just a pity that reading it makes me want to support Nazis, because by comparison they look like saints.