Yeeeeeaaaahhhhh. They're still not funny.

 

Two gay men are having sex and one says to the other, "Hold on a minute, I'm just going for a piss, don't wank while I'm gone."

So he goes upstairs, has his piss, comes back downstairs and there's cum all over the walls and he says ,"I told you not to wank!"

The other man just looks at him and says, "I didn't I just farted."

 

FIRST POST FAIL.:facepalm
Dude, your first post was a gay joke. And a stupid one at that.

 

I feel the need to point to your sig right now, Oz.

 

That would explain the noises. I always wondered...

 

And I feel the need to point to yours. Pot, meet Kettle.

 

Shut up and start posting jokes already.

I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"
He answered, "I don't know."

I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."

 

^I don't think he's coming in tomorrow either, his ass is fired.

Not hilarious but it made me chuckle.

 

Two dyslexics walk into a bra

 

^In that vein...

An agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac stays awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog.

 

Here's one for all you mind readers.

 

ROFL! That was fucking hilarious do it again...

 

Found this and thought it was pretty cool. I'm going to go turn off my computer now.

 

The blonde patient sees her doctor because she really wants to loose weight. He prescribes a special low-fat/low-carb diet which she follows exactly.

After three weeks she comes back to a check-up all happy because she already lost 15 pounds. However it seems that she developed an insatiable hunger for sex with her husband.

"That's a quite normal reaction." explains the doctor and tells her not to worry.

Another three weeks later she returns for yet another control visit and is devistated.

"What's wrong?" the medic asks her, as she sits crying in front of him.

"Oh, Doc! I feel so bad. You know with all that insatiable sex and me being horny for my hubby, I bit off one of his balls last night."

The doctor puts his arm around the sobbing woman. "Don't you worry. One testicle can't have more than 60 calories."

 

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

 

^ Zing! Retribution time.

The Americans had just landed a man on the moon and the Soviet Politburo called an emergency session.

"Comrades," said party chairman Brezhnev, "the Americans have beaten us in the race to land a man on the moon. Do not be discouraged, we can still demonstrate the superiority of the communist system and top them by landing a man on the sun."

The assembled apparatchiks applaud wildly.

When they settled down one of the cosmonauts present at the meeting raises his hand, "But chairman Brezhnev, if we try land a man on the sun, we'll be burned up."

Stunned silence from the assembly.

Brezhnev replies, "Comrade, do you think that your Politburo has not already considered that? For that very reason, we have decided to have you land at night."

(more thunderous applause)

 

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

My wife ran off with my best friend. God have mercy on his soul.

Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.

Eh, they amused me.

 

Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
U.S. Government regulations on cabbage sales: 26,911 words

 

Just some quick pop-off jokes...

" I went to a premature ejaculation meeting and no one was there. Looks like I came to early."

" There's no I in team...
Yeah, but there are three u's in Shut the Fuck Up."

" That was a terrible comeback.
You want some comeback? You can get it off your mom's chin."