Dunno, I think I'd prefer a raven - not only are they common as fuck, so Harry could blend in, but they're freaky smart as hell. Heck, they're probably the smartest bird species there is - with the possible exception of the African Grey, but I don't think Harry would find much use in being a rather expensive parrot that would attract attention.

 

If we're voting, I'd say a fox as well. I don't really think a bird would fit him. You'd need something vicious and protecting, while still being clever.

 

Latest update is in WbA.

I know, two updates in less than a week, I spoil you guys sometimes

 

If we're going for smart animals, I'd go for a crow of some sort if it didn't seem so damn cliche.

 

Good update, though I hoped that you would give us some clues about Harry's Animagus form. I liked that Krum was first to transform, it showed that sometimes intuition is more important than intelligence.

After the whole situation in Gellert's room, I wonder how good duelist is Harry. If he were to fight seriously with Krum, Kira or Calypso, would he win or are they still better fighters?

I may be wrong, but I believe that by the time Harry ends his education he will have skills (if not experience) to fight with few fairly good opponents at the same time (as is a case with other as skilled wizards as him), but I have no idea how good he is right now. I hope we will see some challenge which will show us his true dueling skills before 4th year starts.

 

This update was the best in the entire story. I don't have anything else to say that is positive and would prevent me ruining my pride by gushing for 300 words.

However the cliche bashing on the cruciatus curse was distracting and made me frown. Occasionally that satirical variety of humor is amusing, but since you ragged on the animagus transformation in the same chapter it hurts more than it could help. Doubly so in such an awesome scene including the torture of puppies.

Edit: I wonder if occlumancy is impeding Harry and Calypso's ability to transform.

 

Loved the update. Harry's instinctive reaction to Kira's taunt was great. The full-on hatred between Kira and Calypso is one of my favorite parts of the story. The interaction between Professor Rosier and Harry was well done, it felt appropriately strained but hinted at a changing relationship of sorts.

I disagree. It made me chuckle; I get so tired of seeing the same tired defenses trotted out for the Unforgivables time and time again. Its a small bit and I don't think it distracts. It's also defensible as good teaching. Rosier is trying to emphasize the sheer darkness and perverseness of the Cruciatus. It get's the point across well.

 

Awesome update! Nice jabs at those cliches

Also nice to see that Harry isn't perfect (yet anyways). As good a duelist as he seems to be, he still doesn't stand a chance against an unexpected attack.

 

I noticed a mistake, but now I can't find it: in one spot, you have "it" instead of "in". Or the other way around.

Good chapters.

 

How is telling us that the Cruciatus curse is painful cliche? :/ It's fanon that tries to give other positive sides to the TORTURE curse.

If anything, this was avoiding a cliche.

As to the updates, loved them completely. However, everything I could add has been stated already.

Apart from one thing actually, please please please don't rush the romance aspect to Harry and Calypso's relationship. I have no issue with what's happened so far, but yeah. I can't see you fucking it up, but still, I feel the need to mention it.

 

Excellent job, Santi.

I'm not sure how I feel about the jabs at the Animagus and Cruciatus cliches. Both of them made me chuckle, but at the same time caused me to lose immersion in the story. I don't know that the laughs are worth it.

The romance, on the other hand, is paced wonderfully. The buildup has been crafted perfectly, and the development has felt very realistic. While the relationship isn't the focus of the story, it's one of the better progressions I've seen in any fic, fluffy or otherwise.

You're writing a damn good story here, and it remains a quintessential 5/5.

EDIT: My first thumbs up goes to the most recent update, and I'd be hard-pressed to find anything more deserving.

 

Excellent update.

There are a few mistakes, which I'll go into later. I'm slightly perplexed at the way professor Rosier is referred to in the Unforgivables scene. My understanding is that it's written from Harry's point of view, but he's generally written as "Romulus". Usually students don't think of their teacher's first names. I guess Harry could be close to a few of them by this point, but I didn't get that impression between him and Rosier.

I'm also not a big fan of the way Harry and Viktor's "fight" worked out. You're right in portraying him as a thirteen-year-old; I guess I like to see Harry more mature and I felt he should have tried to convey how cruel Kira's actions were. The fact that they had disagreement is good, and the unexpected Legilimency is great.

^this.

It happened faster than I expected, tbh, but I don't think it's a bad thing. A lot of authors (and virtually all TV series) take stupid enjoyment in drawing things out. As long as they act like they're thirteen, I think it'll be a good development.

I personally like the self-concious rejection of fanon clichés. The one with the cruciatus curse was less adroit than the previous one.
___

I'm not a grammar expert, but I don't think the tenses are consistent there. Either "I'm not sure what happened, but the next thing I knew", or "I wasn't sure what was happening, but the next thing I know my mind is filled" would work better .

than

The comma should go.

Romulus already knows the answer. What he's trying to do is to get it out of Harry.

Clumsy punctuation.

Maybe something like: "As adults, I make you this offer: I will give anyone who wishes it a chance to cast the Imperius or Cruciatus curse on me right now. I will not try to avoid it; however, if your spell fails I will cast the same spell on you."

Yeah, that was weird. Try some generic form of "he was interrupted by an owl".

 

This is the reasoning I have against the cheap laughs.

It's working too hard to avoid the fanon cliche and make a joke out of it. Bringing in non-canon elements like psychic shock, and coma patients is distracting. It removes you from the story to think about different fanfics that are far worse than this one. If a teacher started giving specific and seemingly random examples of what something doesnt do, then I would be sarcastically thinking that it also doesn't cure cancer or teleport me to Mars. Psychic shock isn't even a real condition, but something some author dreamed up to add substance to their own fanfiction.

The joke was already used twice. The first time I smiled, the second time it didnt make me laugh, and the third time I am annoyed at the overuse. This is doubly true when it was used just few thousand words ago in the same chapter.

 

Overall I enjoyed the update, however I did have one major issue with it: Krum's reaction to Harry cursing Kira, and Harry's acceptance of that reaction.


While I completely agree that cursing someone is serious—and that one would naturally be protective of one's girlfriend—Kira's reaction to anything and anyone throughout this story (aside from Krum) has been to curse them.


She has on multiple occasions attempted to curse Harry without provocation, and also attempted to curse Calypso after receiving only verbal provocation. This, in addition to the fact that Calypso was in a potentially fatal situation, mitigates Harry's reaction to some degree, as well as making Krum seem like a complete asshole (and making Harry seem somewhat spineless for his acquiescence).

 

A few errors that haven't been mentioned yet:

Viktor who?

crashed

Change that period for a comma.

I enjoyed the way that you've engineered this new change in Harry and Calypso's relationship. It was dark and sweet at the same time.

 

I actually definitely agree with this. I forgot about this when I was replying to the thread.

I felt that Kira's laughter was FAR crueler than anything we've seen between the two so far, with how much pain that Calypso was it as it was described to us, I felt Harry should of definitely made an effort to argue his point with Krum.

 

This seems to be a scene that you may want to rewrite - on the other hand, people do incredibly stupid things all the time, so it's possible that these reactions would have taken place in real life as well.

 

On the topic of the Calypso and Kira scene, we've under the impression Calypso was in immense pain from her failed transformation. Like Cruciatus level pain. I don't have the words to describe my feelings about Kira's reaction, but "she is a massive fucking bitch and should spent a several minutes under the Cruciatus to be taken down about a dozen pegs" are a start. I cannot remember the last time I've so vehemently hated a character, and Harry's reaction afterwards to Krum (and Krum's reaction, too) is disgusting.

I can't bring myself to think I'm overreacting. Kira's reaction is the complete opposite of my own personality. If I see someone, even someone I despise, in that much pain, laughing would be very, very far down the list of things to do. Kira's reaction is beyond cruel.

If this is what Santi was aiming for, he damn well did it perfectly. But somehow, I don't think so.

So, yeah. Totally agree with Provis, Ellisande and Sree.