Title: Patriot's Dawn
Author: The Pro (formerly The Six Paths of Creation)
Rating: T (PG-13)
Genre: Action-Adventure/Drama
DLP Category: Alternate Universe
Pairing: Nothing definite
Status: WIP
Chapters: 15
Words: 139,198
Updated: February 22, 2012
Published: October 31, 2010
Summary:Uzumaki Naruto was born to be a shinobi. He was supposed to be a killer, a protector of unparalleled skill. His lineage and the demon in his gut ensured that. In canon, his growth was stunted. In here, he had a reason to be strong. He has to survive. AU.
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6441645/1/Patriots_Dawn

Well, I feel kind of awkward posting this here, I'm the author, but I could really do with some more opinions on this fic, as I'm hoping to take it pretty far along. I wish I had posted the first chapters in the WBA section, but I didn't know we had a WBA for other fandoms . I figured I'd let some people read it before posting new stuff in the WBA.

Anyway, it's AU starting before canon begins, with Naruto having a chance encounter that impresses upon him the idea that he should actually train, rather than slack off like he did in canon.

I've gotten a pretty good response from FF.net, not that that means shit, but I'm not getting much in the way of constructive criticism that I couldn't have thought of on my own. My other Naruto fic, Hurricane Suite, has gotten a fairly positive response here, and I'm working on implementing a bunch of the suggestions I've just recently found in that thread.

Tell me what you think.


Checked: June 11, 2012

 

I'm not done with reading, but so far it looks good.
Will post back with more.
Just on a grammar mistake I noticed:
"This may prove to be a bit harder than he had first imagined."
The tense isn't consistent here with the rest of the paragraph.
Edit:
The Gai training had me wary, but then you redeemed yourself by not going overboard. The fight with Sasuke was a nice touch. I hate the mention of orange, but its unobtrusive, so I'll ignore it. The weights were cliche, but they make sense, so that's fine. The only thing that really stands out negatively is the emotion. Naruto seems to have definite emotions and feelings, but the writing is rather cold. Its smooth and descriptive, but it doesn't have much punch.
The initial push for Naruto is definitely realistic. I like the idea of Itachi doing that.

I'll come back again with a few more comments.
Second edit:
Asuma is done very well here. His test is unique and fits him as well. Good job on that. The special weights are cliche, but again, they make sense being used in this manner (in Naruto canon, not RL).

Spelling error:
"Being the son of the Hokage has some perks," Asuma said simply. Naruto wasn't sure, but he looked less than pleased with the notion that his name got him special treatment, despite his willingness ot exploit it. Naruto knew the feeling."

There's an abundance of smirking, so maybe toning down on that would be a good idea.

Repetition:
"was a beautiful sight to behold. Bathed in moonlight under a clear, starlit sky, Konoha exuded an orange glow from nearly every corner. It was a sight to behold from on high, and it was this that originally led Naruto to his favorite haunt. The top of the Yondaime's head."

I noticed this:
"short of Sarutobi outright ordering them, he wouldn't likely ever."
There's no reason given for him not interfering. Maybe you could justify his inaction? A convenient one would be to say that the Hokage traditionally doesn't interfere with the school, or something to that effect.

Edit back later with more comments...

Just finished the available chapters...
The writing and Naruto's emotion become much more present and in focus. I like it.
Also, the ending of last available chapter is great.

 

I could definetly seem he cheating out of it, but I add my vote to the "keep it true" crowd. I want to see the effects of that on Naruto very badly.

One thing I don't like about this story is the combat scenes. I'm not sure if I'm just not reading them right or something, but I cannot get into them, they feel very stilted and fankly boring. I usually end up skipping every 2 paragraphs until i've outrun the fight, and then go back and read from there.

That minor quibble aside, it is a great story.

 

You're definitely reading them wrong. The combat scenes are one of the greatest strengths of the story.

I've been following it for a while, and I definitely prefer it to Hurricane Suite . Not to mean that I dislike Hurricane Suite, but Patriots Dawn is slightly more focused of the characters and it works better. As long as you're willing to take risks to avoid a canon rehash (and you've proven beyond a shadow of a doubt you are), then this will turn out great.

Probably my favorite thing about the story is how utterly outclassed Naruto is. Not many authors can pull that off without making the characters weak and/or pussies, but you've managed it perfectly. It makes it that much better when Naruto isn't outclassed anymore, and lends itself better to the not-as-flashy world you're writing.

I'd rate this 4.5/5 right now, and if you can keep up the current level of writing til the end it will be an easy 5/5.

Now go update.

 

Thanks for the feedback guys.

Naruto being outclassed is something that I really put a lot of effort into, as I'm trying to show that a few extra years of really solid training doesn't make him God all of a sudden. By that same token, neither Kiba nor Ino are really at his level yet, but they do more than hold their own in spars. Maybe I didn't write it clearly enough, but that's where I'm trying to go with that bit. In the spars, Naruto's major strengths, Wind Chakra, more devastating jutsu and the like are limited, so two competent genin would be around his strength level. In a straight fight, they're not even close. There just haven't been many straight fights yet.

I've been catching a bit of heat for that bit even on ff.net, surprisingly.

@Dark Syaroan: Naruto is heads and shoulders above others, but Ino's been working her ass off the same as him, and Kiba was so bad in the manga, at least for a genin. Naruto hasn't had too much chance to really show off, as he's been fighting enemies that both outclass him and match up against him in ways that make it tough for him to win. That's what I'm going for at least.

I've read too many fics where Naruto dominates all of his fights regardless of anything, be it terrain, experience, etc. I'm trying to make a realistic world with this fic, and fights where Naruto doesn't have the advantage all the time come with the territory. He'll start showing some more brilliance later on, though.

@pdo91: I have 7600 words of the next chapter done, though I'm thinking about posting it in WBA first to get some real feedback. I'm not entirely pleased with them yet. Unfortunately, from what I've seen, the other fandom WBA doesn't get much in the way consistent posting.

 

I agree with what Syao is saying, without the second part of his post, saying it could be reasonable. It doesn't make sense. I dislike God-mode Naruto same as anyone else, but this is a step too far.

He's been training incredibly hard since he was 7, with Gai, of all people... And Ino and Kiba can hold their own in a fight against him in several months? I wouldn't think they'd ever get remotely close to him with the head start he had.

I mean hell, in canon Naruto beat Kiba, with Kiba holding his own for the fight... And that's with Naruto knowing absolutely nothing but Kage Bushin, with Orochimaru's seal wrecking his chakra control at the time.

Canon Naruto. Naruto with no survival instinct, or Taijutsu training, or anything that you added in this story. Ino was even worse than Kiba.

What's the point in even adding all that work and training and motivation if he is exactly the same level as he was without it?

He's been training with Gai for years, "putting his all" same as Lee... Not just for training, but because he's motivated to survive.

Do you remember the first time we saw Lee in canon?

I could see you saying that Naruto isn't as good as Lee in Taijutsu, far worse, even.
But really? It does not add up.

I'd almost wager that Pre-time skip Lee could probably beat post-time skip Kiba AND Ino. And I hate Lee. lol >_>

Anyway, I really enjoyed the rest of the story, besides that.

 

Gotcha. I definitely see what you're saying here, and agree. I've gone back and looked at my work and admit that it comes off a little strong. I'll see about that in later chapters.

 

Excellent. ^^ That's all I was concerned about, I have greatly enjoyed the rest of the story, just that part bugged me. It was definitely not something that would prompt me to stop reading though.

I tend to get a bit worked up about inconsistencies in stories that I actually like.

 

I noticed my chapter 5 review in the latest chapter. I was that guy that took offense to the logic Asuma used, the entire, ""...Naruto, it's that the only way to get stronger is to focus on yourself, and what you need to get where you want to go."". Fact is, I am endlessly amused at how right I was pointing out how far Asuma logic will work. Well this is assuming that you really did kill Asuma though.

 

I like the premise, I like the strong but not super Naruto, and I like the way Naruto gradually realizes how outclassed he is in A-ranked battle. I share the quibble about his teammates catching up--even as Naruto realizes he was only a big fish in the small pond of rookie genin, he should still stay the big fish in that area.

I have a comment about the combat. Once I manage to decode what you've written and translate it into a movie in my head I like the way you handle combat. The issue I have is that it can be a little tricky to figure out what's going on. Part of it is the exclusive use of Japanese technique names, as I only really have instant recall of the academy techniques. I think it's fine to have the characters announce the techniques with the Japanese terms, but when you describe what's going on it would be a lot easier to read in English. For example:

Why not just say his opponent used the cover to replace the mist that Asuma had blown away, or whatever your preferred way is to describe the result of the technique? Similarly:

I think it's easier to follow and has more impact if you say that Asuma was powerless to stop the giant dragon made out of water that was bearing down on him... he shot a wind bullet at Zabuza... and Zabuza blocked the attack with a creative use of a capture technique to briefly imprison himself in a sphere of water that absorbed the worst of the blast.

The problem with the Japanese technique names for me is that (1) I don't remember all of them, and can't figure them all out from context; and (2) it tends to make combat feel kind of turn based, with a list of techniques going back and forth.

Also, on the assassination mission I like the idea of having them struggle with it, but I'm not sure if the way you did it is really consistent with the Narutoverse. What I mean is that in the real world an adult will have an advantage in strength and endurance over even the best trained 12 year old. However, in the Narutoverse hard training lets people reach a level of strength and conditioning that is impossible in the real world. Accordingly, if you have a 12 year old who has been training the way Naruto is supposed to have been training, it is surprising to see him getting overpowered in close quarters by a guy who isn't described as being anything special.

Put another way, if you tell me "pre-timeskip Lee and a no-name adult C rank missing nin mix it up in a taijutsu battle" my assumption is that Lee is going to curbstomp the guy. Since I thought Naruto was roughly on a level with Lee it was surprising to have that not happen, especially since it is attributed to the other guy's strength. If Naruto had trouble because of something that is more attributable to guile or experience (the guy uses a hidden blade, or uses ninjutsu in an unexpected way, or uses tags that Naruto didn't take into account, or set traps in his apartment, or something) it would be easier to swallow.

tl;dr: I like the plot, characters, character interaction, and the thought that goes into the combat sequences. The combat sequences could be rewritten to be easier to follow and a little more consistent with Narutoverse conventions.

 

Patriot's Dawn has been updated updated.

Short review of the entire story, from memory:

1) As other posters have noted, The Pro's combat scenes are fantastically good. They're hard to describe, but I would say that a) action is concisely described, so it actually feels like a fighting scene, and not like one of Hamlet's soliloquys, and that b) action is imaginatively written i.e. the jutsus are used effectively and ruthlessly - as you would expect from killer ninjas.

2) The characterization is good enough - though in recent chapters Naruto seem too mature - as evinced from his language.

3) Overall, the story can only be considered great if it goes in a direction different from canon. Orochimaru's attack was a good move by the author - we can expect there to be more to the story than a canon rehash. Hopefully the Chunin exams will turn out to be sufficiently different from canon as well.

 

I admit I might be somewhat biased considering that I have had difficulty in finding decent Naruto fics, but holy shit! This story is amazing!

I am sure there are things I could point out that was inconsistent in the story, but I was too busy enjoying the fic to even notice them. So I will throw in my two cents with a 4.5 out of 5 with a potential for a perfect 5 if things progress in the same manner.

Good Job!

 

Patriot's Dawn was one of those stories I constantly heard people sing praises about until I finally gave in and read it, only to discover that it didn't live up to the hype. I'd skim updates and sometimes contribute to WbA after that but that impression stuck with me fever since. Since it's been completed (congratulations, Inert) and I'm making an effort to read and review, I decided to give it another shot.

And while it takes time to get there, it does become quite good.

It has a very solid - and believable - opening with Naruto experiencing a powerful catalyst for change as Itachi takes an extra precaution against Akatsuki's goals. Having a inevitable threat to his life hang over him like the sword of Damocles makes for one hell of a motivation, more so than a distant dream of becoming Hokage.

Unfortunately, the rest of the opening chapter is quite dull with it largely being about his training/learning and laid on Naruto's bad childhood a tad thick. Not in how badly he was treated, which was reasonable enough here, it just felt like it goes on for a while and when you've seen it all before anyway, it's tiresome. I feel like everything from "Believe it" to "A twelve year old..." could have been cut without any real loss.

I was happy to see the team combination of Naruto, Ino and Kiba. It's a team I've wanted to see ever since The Sh33p's Catch 22 (Chapter 5,'glimpses 16 and 21 if you're curious) and while Naruto isn't the same as his canon self, it's close enough. And though I'm not a fan of Asuma, I can appreciate that he helped Naruto on the road to wind mastery and acted almost like an extra conscience for his more self-interested mindset.

The Land of Waves was competently written and the ending was ballsy but, ultimately, the Wave Arc is the Wave Arc is the Wave Arc. The next arc with the Fuuma Clan was more interesting, if relatively brief, but I think it was that first confrontation with Orochimaru and Kabuto after the Forest of Death that I felt properly invested in the story.

Then it kept that momentum when it introduced Jiraiya with his combination of the standard kind of training regime with a more learn-as-you-go style of education. It takes advantage of Naruto's greater learning curve and the direct threat of Gaara to bring the Rasengan in early. Hell, at first I didn't even notice that Naruto never signed the toad summoning contract, which I appreciate for the sheer novelty of it. You'd expect any Naruto trained by Jiraiya would learn to summon toads but the training scenes were handled so well that it didn't even cross my mind until later. And then things go on a wild ride with the Konoha Crush.

Unsurprisingly, I'm sure that the Chuunin Exams had only just started in my original read through.

Onto the things I didn't like, I hate the unnecessary use of Japanese terms such as gaki, teme, dobe, baka etc. I got sick of that crap years ago and it's depressing to see in an otherwise quality story. Similarly, there's the use of "Fuuton chakra" and "Suiton chakra" which just feels a lot more than awkward than saying "wind chakra" or "water chakra". And the writing sometimes relies on the jutsu name itself to tell you what's happening without providing any actual description. If you don't specifically remember the jutsu, it can be tricky to know what happened considering the names are in Japanese. I think this only crops up in the earlier chapters at least.

In Chapter 14, Naruto started using the Hiding with Camouflage Jutsu compeletely out of the blue. Since this is an A-rank ninjutsu (his highest level jutsu at that stage) that we've only seen used by Iwagakure jounin in canon, I couldn't help but wonder how and where Naruto learned this jutsu considering he was specifically not being taught ninjutsu at this stage. It would make more sense to me if he'd learned it after meeting Jiraiya considering their training.

In the same chapter, Naruto learns about the Shadow Clone Jutsu and immediately figures out the training method which caught my attention since I know that it was a training method that Kakashi came up with himself later in canon. Here it appears to be a known application of the jutsu? More importantly, I don't recall there being any mention of Naruto actually using that training method for ninjutsu despite this entire passage about it. I'd expect him to be obsessed with training like that, especially later on.

And in Chapter 17, there's a sudden mention of Naruto experiencing pain after using the Body Replacement Jutsu. It caught me off guard since there hadn't been any mention of him ever getting hurt using the jutsu - with or without his personal twist on it - and it didn't looked he'd simply done it wrong, so it felt like a new rule had been introduced late into the game.

Now the best parts of Patriot's Dawn are the S-rank shinobi. Part of it is how prevalent their existence even when they aren't physical present; the threat of Akatsuki is such a prevalent threat to his existence that he can't help but think about S-ranks all the time. But when they do show, they never fail to disappoint.

Orochimaru's first and foremost but true to the kind of monster that he's made himself into, he's never not as creepy as he is powerful which makes his keen interest in Naruto all the more disturbing. Both Jiraiya and Tsunade managed to come across as incredibly powerful without actually doing much on-screen. And then there's Itachi who appears and manages to wreck Naruto's shit with illusions alone - which keenly demonstrates how physically outclassed he is as well - then delivers a sweet 'The Reason You Suck' speech.

Spoiler

The revelation that Itachi may have influenced Naruto's mind all those years ago as a fail-safe was a treat too.

Most importantly, to me, was the recognition of the Fourth Hokage as the legend he deserves to be known as. I'll never forgive Kishimoto for taking the S-rank ninjutsu responsible for Minato's fame which everyone believed was his own and retroactively making it Tobirama's creation. Having people recognize the sheer threat of the Flying Thunder God Jutsu as something that could make the world so much better or so much worse if Minato was still alive to use it.

Now that the story has properly branched out from canon, I'm hoping for more opportunities to see high-level ninja as Inert depicts them.

Spoiler

Finally, the ending made me genuinely excited to see what comes next. How the relationship between Naruto and Sasuke after the circumstances of their defection, how Naruto's developed under Orochimaru's tutelage, and how characters like the Sound Five, Karin and Juugo might become involved.

Exciting times ahead in the sequel, I hope.

4/5

 

@Knyght thanks for the detailed feedback. Having re-read my own work many a time, I can completely understand how the beginning is flat. I meant to kick things off in Wave, with a slow but steady climb into solid AU territory. From what you've said both here and in my Nightfall thread, it seems like I was able to do so, but not without tripping over myself a few times lol. Most of the inconsistencies in the narrative that you pointed out can be attributed to me never actually having outlined the fic on paper, only in my head.

My only other excuse for mediocre at best writing is that I started writing it when I was 17. 7 years later, I've got a much better grasp on how to make things enjoyable.

Regarding shadow clones, I believe I had Yamato mention it to Naruto directly as a way to train his ninjutsu. It always irritated me that Kishimoto had Kakashi deliver that bombshell in Shippuden. It came across as a retcon to help Naruto get stronger quicker, and made him seem like a complete moron for not having figured it out on his own given it's his signature technique. Seemed sloppy to me.

Regarding Hiding in Camouflage, it was a technique I always planned for him to learn. I tried to make notes in the narrative regarding his struggle to actually use/master it effectively, but can understand how it could come off contrived.

I'm glad it ended up being a mostly enjoyable ride, with twists and turns that make sense within the story's confines. I hope the sequel will be much cleaner in terms of execution, as it's being meticulously planned, and that my writing of S-ranked characters lives up to your hype. To be completely honest, I couldn't wait to be done with Patriot's Dawn so I could get to work on Nightfall, which I already feel is far more interesting as we're pretty far off canon's rails.

You're also the only person I can remember taking note of Itachi's subtle meddling, which made me grin.

Cheers!

 

So I finally decided to read this story, given that it is now complete.

The bad news is, I was cucked by the fact that this is really only half of the story, and I will probably have to wait another few years for closure. The good news is, the half of the story that I read was really quite good.

First of all, the fic's take on Naruto is reasonably interesting. Unlike the "I believe in truth and goodness and hard work" Naruto from canon, the main character in this is a lot more of a pragmatic, somewhat morally gray character. This sort of main character archetype is somewhat popular and usually pretty interesting, but is quite hard to pull off, in my opinion. A lot of the time it just feels like the new and improved "smart" version of the main character goes and breaks everything by gaming the system too hard, leading to a ramp up in power level that feels way too over the top. Other times, the author eventually fails to find interesting challenges for the main character to tackle, and while the next obstacle may seem great, you just know in the back of your head that something dumb is going to happen and that plot armor will save the day once again.

This fic avoids these problems, for the most part. And that in my opinion is one of its biggest strengths. Naruto feels like he's progressing well, like a typical prodigy, but he gains power at a realistic pace for the story. It also still feels like he struggles a lot, despite him being "better" than the canon version of himself. The actual powerful ninja of the story feel like the actual Kings and Queens of the game, while Naruto is more like a particularly resilient Bishop or something. You don't see Naruto constantly save the day through the power of being the main character. He sometimes wins fights, but he also comes up short other times or needs to avoid more powerful enemies or handle them in a roundabout way. And for the most part he's still caught up in all of the machinations of stronger ninja, both good and bad.

This is really, I think, the essence of what makes a well written epic adventure. The fact that you can see the main character developing at a rate you're happy with, and yet the challenges they have to face are realistic, and feel just barely out of reach at every turn.

Now as for things that I didn't like, the biggest plot relevant thing was the characterization in the story. Naruto feels like a very well rounded character, which is really good (considering he is the main character after all). And a lot of the power players in the story, people like Jiraya and Orochimaru and even Sarutobi are interesting and well written because you can see their goals, see what they're doing to try and accomplish those goals, and possibly even sympathize with their situation. But compared to Naruto and the other better developed characters, a lot of younger characters don't really hold up. This might be mostly due to the fact that they don't get much screen time compared to Naruto, but the rest of the genin feel like sort of like they had their character traits copy-pasted directly from canon without any changes. Most of the genin don't really go through much of the same character development, and we just have to assume that their desires and attitudes are the same as in canon because we are never informed otherwise. Chouji is the fat guy who is friendly with Naruto, and that is about the extent of his character. Shikamaru is lazy, Sakura is useless, etc. Even Kiba, who is Naruto's teammate and therefore should be easier to put into situations for character development, feels like he's just the typical canon cocky bastard. Now I understand that there is definitely nowhere near enough time to flesh out every character, but I would have liked the story to have given at least a little bit more time to one or two of the other genin.

Spoiler

Ino is probably the most developed out of the rest of the Konoha 11, and even her development feels like it could have been stronger. (This is just an idea right now, but a well developed Ino would also aid in an interesting avenue that the sequel could take, which involves a split story between traitor-Naruto's POV and Konoha's POV). Sasuke also stands out to me as a character that could have used some more love. He goes through the typical cycle of falling into hatred and his desire to get stronger as in canon, but unlike in canon we don't really see any of it. Naruto (and consequently, the viewer) doesn't really get to see his gradual descent into madness because Sasuke isn't around super often, and we just sort of have to accept that it happens similar to in canon. Seeing the same Sasuke progression through this new and interesting Naruto's point of view would be cool, in my opinion, since the dynamic between the two characters is much different than in canon given Naruto's increased ability to sympathize with Sasuke's plight. This would also add more weight to Sasuke's betrayal at the very end.

There were also some minor technical issues that I noticed here and there, but they were relatively uncommon and given that I read this whole thing in a few days without keeping notes, I can't really point out specific occurrences at the moment. Also, the story follows canon a bit too close for my liking, given the changes that have happened. Naruto still somehow ends up in Wave and the arc plays out very much the same (though the twist at the end was definitely unexpected). And despite this story's version of Konoha being much more informed, the invasion arc and the events immediately after happen mostly like in canon as well. You would think that with Konoha's knowledge of the attack they would have implemented precautions that would have changed the flow of events. It's a bit like the story being put on rails, even though the events were slightly different, they never caused any major deviations, and the marching of the plot eventually guides the major points back to mirror canon. Hopefully this changes in the sequel though, because its hard for me to imagine how the story could ever get back to mirroring canon given the ending.

4.5/5 rounded up, this story is really quite good. Please quit whatever job you are currently doing and work on the sequel instead.