Thread one. Continue.

 

Harry Potter dies in the Graveyard.

However, because of the Horcrux, he's only almost dead. Voldemort's plan went off without a hitch, and now Harry has to stop the dark lord even though he's "less than spirit, less than the meanest ghost".

Apparently he can possess animals and willing humans. Not quite sure where to go from there really.

 

Neville and Hagrid take him to Miracle Max, of course.

 

Hmmm. He needs a holocaust cloak and a wheelbarrow as well.

 

I went a little nuts...

Robert Dread

(a silly crossover of HP and the Princess Bride, without a princess)

Voldemort killed Harry in the graveyard. Circumstances led to the bodies of the two dead champions being sent back to Hogwarts.

Much chaos erupted. During the insanity, Neville noted that Harry's eyes still had a sheen to them. On closer inspection, he became certain that Harry was still there somehow, only he couldn't control his lifeless body. Neville decided that he needed to get help, preferably from a teacher, and one that might agree to some dodgy notions.

"Hagrid."

"What ye want, Nev?"

"Pick him up."

"Whassat?"

"Pick Harry up. I have an idea, but it'll take some help and we have to leave the school."

"I dunno."

"If I'm right, we can save Harry's life."

"Well, why din't ya say so?!"

They escaped through the throng and Neville led the way into Hogsmeade, ending up at the Hog's Head Inn.

Neville immediately walked up to Aberforth. "You owe me for curing Gertrude's incontinence," (a goat in the back paddock could be heard bleating, 'Mbaahh!') Neville continued, "...and I know you know things the headmaster wouldn't like. I need you to take a look at Harry's body."

The crotchety barkeep sniffed in dismissal at the body in Hagrid's arms. "Boy's dead."

Neville gave him a wink and a confident look. "Not... entirely."

Aberforth spat on the floor. "Why should I?"

Luna piped up from behind them, "Because it'll annoy your brother."

The barman gave Luna a long, grudging look and then replied, "Bring him 'round back."

~o~

The three, along with help from Luna (who just happened to show up because she and Aberforth are Absinthe buddies) effectively find a solution to animate Harry, allowing his living spirit to operate his preserved body- he's a revenant. He can leave his body to take a look around and do ghost-y things, but needs to get back to the animate corpse within an hour or so or it'll start to decay rapidly.

Voldemort takes control of the Ministry, but the small band of allies effectively follow Albus' (much clearer this time, dammit) instructions on how to kill Voldemort permanently. Along the way, they freak out Voldemort with Harry-sightings (his body was... never found!), though Harry's raids on Death Eater enclaves are perpetrated under the guise of Robert Dread, the ghostly Marauder. He is later equipped with a Weasley Squib Wubbie- a fake wand that will create illusions of real spell effects.

~o~

At a late stage, they sneak their way into Malfoy Manor by having Hagrid distract the majority of those present. He tears down the front gate and goes on a rampage, disguised as a Balrog.

"Oi am tha' terrible beast known as Balrock! M'ere to destroy yooouuuu! And take yer souls an' stuff. RRaahhh!"

~o~

Towards the end, Neville confronts Bellatrix using the Sword of Gryffindor.

"I want my parents back, you unrepentant bitch!" (impales Bella)

As she died, Bellatrix gasped out, "Why do you sound Spanish?"

~o~

At the final confrontation, Harry and Voldemort face off, initiating a flurry of spellwork that impresses the masses, since most of the spells seem to be ineffective against Harry, not that his 'spells' are doing anything, either. At a critical moment, Voldemort casts the Killing Curse and it strikes Harry right in the chest.

Harry's spirit gets knocked out of the body by about four yards. He clutches his ghostly shirt. "Aighh! Oh noes! I'm... I'm... totally already DEAD, you dolt!"

Neville then cleaves Riddle's head from his neck from behind.

~o~

Nev sat down next to Luna, taking her hand in his. After sharing a smile with her, he turned to their undying friend. "What do you want to do now, Harry?"

Harry replied, "Well, settling down with an attractive witch is out of the picture. Y'wanna keep robbing people with me?"

Nev said, "Sure."

Hagrid added, "I'm up for tha'."

Luna smiled and nodded with an enthusiastic, "Okeedokee!"

Abe grumbled, "One of these days they're going to catch up to us."

Harry thought for a moment. "Mmmmaybe. What are they gonna do- arrest me? We should encourage them to think of it as a random, enforced tithing."

Nev smacked the ground next to him in emphasis. "Exactly!"

Luna added, "It's God's work, we do."

Abe appended, "After covering for our expenses, of course."

~[]~

 

I approve.

 

This.This.This.

 

Somebody put this in For Review; it's already better than half the shit being dumped there lately...

 

Theres a bigger issue here. I think we need more Balrog!Hagrid. And while we're at it, Gollum!Dobby.

 

Slight aside--I can say this with authority: Fatal Attraction? Worst first date movie ever.

So here's a slightly random plot bunny idea I've been kicking around: Story set post Deathly Hallows. Remember this guy Croaker, the Unspeakable? Turns out he's been around for awhile, though he's always been known as Croaker. You might have heard of him.

There's a new big bad on the loose, one who makes Voldemort look like an amateur. After lying in thrall for aeons, the Lady's eye turns back toward the world she once ruled. Croaker has seen the signs--the portents say she is making a return. They are never wrong.

Only one force is nasty enough to oppose her, as they have done many times in the past. Unfortunately, the Black Company has been bound in transdimensional stasis beyond the reach of death. However, things have changed. The Hallows are reunited and the Black Company's erstwhile captain must enlist Destiny's son, wearied by war, to act before all is lost.

I've not seen a Black Company/Harry Potter crossover, though it seems the free form magical systems may be more compatible than most (e.g. HP/Dresden).

 

I call your 'Fatal Attraction' and raise you with 'Dead Ringers'

[David Cronenberg is... not right. In the head.]

Also- excellent idea, but requires an epic writer to succeed. You aren't busy, are you?

---------- Post automerged at 06:37 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:20 PM ----------

Sorry for the double, but I had another 'Robert Dread' moment.

Wormtail turned to face Voldemort with an apologetic bow. "The Portkey isth linked to the original travelersth. We can't usthe it to invade Hogwartsth, Masther."

"Wormtail. If you say 'Masthter' one more time, I'll have you inserted into Lucius' rectum for a week."

"Yesth, Mas-- I mean, acknowledged, my Lord."

(and later...)

Wormtail sidled up to face Harry with a smirk. "Jamesth? Sthiriusth? Remusth?"

"Yes?"

"Moronsth. I was the true geniusth. I'll have you out-thought justht as easthily!"

Harry squinted and pinched his eyes with one hand. "I'm sorry. You'll what?"

Peter then snorted, "Outwitting you will be childsthplay."

 

I was more quoting the meaning of the term bunny boiler, than the actual movie from where it originated.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bunny_Boiler

• Narcissistic personality disorder
• Borderline personality disorder

These are also linked to the phrase, apparently.

I should of been more clear in my meaning, methinks.

 

Worst first date movie ever? 500 days of summer. Fucking fact. >_<

Anyway; Vernon Dursely, father of the year. I've always wondered how a well written, decent Vernon would impact on Harry's childhood.

 

This is a fantastic idea. You could have Dudley be the White Rose! :awesome

Seriously though, there needs to be more Black Company Fanfiction. What would be interesting is if the Unspeakables were actually built from the Black Company, and Croaker has been running the show from behind the scenes since... forever. The Lady and The Dominator are entombed, but Voldemort is slowly working out the secret of Taking people, and delving into their tombs for secrets best forgotten.

Now there were some Dark Lords, The Dominator and his Lady. They make Voldemort look like a four year-old, throwing a tantrum.

 

My guess based on what I can remember from canon backgrounds and characters?

Petunia would still be a bitch due to history. It'd cause trouble in her and Vernon's marriage. If Petunia got over her long suffered issues, however...

Harry wouldn't be sleeping in that little shithole of his under the stairs, and he wouldn't be used like a house-elf. Much, at least.

Dudley, depending on the home situation, might not be a spoiled asshat; then again, Harry may become something like Dudley2, but the whole 'love' power thing would ensure that he wouldn't be such an asshole like how Dudley was before Harry's fifth year.

Now, if the Dursley family and Harry somehow encountered a dementor during Harry's childhood, it's possible that they may have a turn-a-round like Dudley did in Harry's fifth year.

 

A Father-of-the-year!Vernon sounds fun to explore, but it isn't nearly enough to build a plot. Unless you're going for a canon rehash, of course. But I don't think anyone wants that.

Possible spin offs...

When the letters for Hogwarts start arriving, Vernon is as puzzled as Harry. Petunia had never revealed what her sister was, and what Harry was likely to be, too. So Petunia starts acting up, trying similar strategies Vernon tries in canon. Of course, none work, so eventually the rabbit is out of the bag and Petunia has some explaining to do.

Now Vernon, being the awesomesauce he is in this fic, he definitely wants Harry to go to Hogwarts. Magic sounds like a load of fun, and he can definitely understand what being a part of his parents' world would mean to Harry. But Petunia is dead set against it. Marriage gets a little tricky. Dudley and Harry, who get along as any two normal brothers do, start spending more time outside the house.

One day Harry returns home to find his and Vernon's bags packed. Petunia kicked him out of the house, and the freak has to go with him. Dudley remains behind, as Petunia won't give up her precious without legal action. So Harry leaves the house with Vernon and unknowingly, Dumbledore's awesome wards are left behind as well.

Vernon and Harry are attacked in Aunt Marge's home, who is fairly bitchy in this alternative world, but not enough to be so retarded toward an eleven-year-old kid. Death Eaters show up at the house, more out of curiosity than outright murderous intents, but Marge isn't the kind of woman who takes trespassing lightly. So she pumps her double-barreled shotgun and drops the first DE to walk into her home.

Things quickly get worse. Vernon's life is threatened and Harry unleashes a rather violent piece of accidental magic, which quickly draws the attention of the Ministry. The DE immediately leave. Marge dies (we don't need her). Vernon is taken in by the Aurors on charges of murder (dead DE). Invent some law that condemns Muggles who kill wizards no matter the circumstances.

Boy-Who-Lived makes the front page before even stepping foot in Hogwarts. Vernon is held in preemptive prison, pending a hearing. Harry is royally pissed off. Malfoy's father, incidentally, was the one who got shot down at Marge's, so little Malfoy is a little more loose in the head, too. The purebloods are in uproar. Dumbledore tries to juggle the holy shitball that has young Harry in it. The Sorting Hat doesn't quite think Gryffindor is the proper place for a shocked and irate Harry Potter. Somewhere, a shadow Voldemort is wringing his hands delightedly, thinking more than half the work has been done for him already.

And yeah... someone else can pick it up from here.

 

Sounded logical up to this bit. Shocked and Irate Harry has the tendency to leap before he looks- Book 5 anyone? Hell, even in Book 1 Harry's got that tendency.

 

The only reason Harry was put in Gryffindor was because he asked not to be put in Slytherin so your thinking doesn't make sense.

 

The Sorting Hat said that he would do well in Slytherin. Doesn't necessarily mean that it would've put him in there if he didn't say anything.

 

From the Sorting Hat's wording "Well, if you're sure - better be GRYFFINDOR!" I got the impression that it considered Slytherin to the be the most suitable with Gryffindor being the secondary choice.

Nothing can be said for definite of course, it's speculation really.

And I was merely contesting the fact that IdSayWhyNot believed that Harry was automatically placed in Gryffindor when is was his rejection of Slytherin that tipped the scales. It's unlikely that Harry would have the same experiences on the train journey and then before the Sorting that made him not want to be in Slytherin. Though that can't be said for definite.