Bored and tired of the "Determine Whether this is a Real Slash Story" game in IRC today, I flicked on the tube and caught a Man Law Commercial and got an idea.

Man Law, for those who either haven't seen it or don't own a TV, is an advertisement by the Miller Beer Company depicting several well-known "manly men" around a square table shooting the breeze and determining whether or not something is manly or permissable for those of the male sex to do.

Throwing caution to the wind, I started the Potter Law gag that went on in IRC for the next few hours, with quite a few people - men and women - getting involved. What Potter Law boils down to is a skewed rule-system that only DLP Members would probably adhere to. It's arrogance at it's finest and can incorporate much of what is found in the cliche thread and bad story thread, except in rule form.

Raven encouraged me to post a thread on the forum, and so I have. You'll find ten below, examples if you will, of how they should probably be written. Rebukes are of course allowed, and new rules are what this thread is designed for so I hope it's as easy-going as it was in IRC. Only the best will be put on this master list and those you find bad - if more than one find it bad - will be taken off.

​

Potter Law
Created and kept by the Sacred Order of Dark Lord Potter​

I. Harry Potter. That’s all. If you don’t understand then you’re hopeless. Give up. Leave the fandom. And just incase you still don’t understand, Harry Potter is everything in this fandom. Treat him well (by mistreating him). Make him shine (by sticking him in the darkest, most woe-begotten situations you can imagine). Keep the Harry Potter, Harry Potter.

II. If Potters based their romantic interests on skin color alone, you’d hate them. It’s the same with hair color. The Potters don’t have a trend for marrying redheads unless you like being called a hack as an author.

Far-Reaching Rule: You’re not excluded either, Rowling.​

III. Mary Sue Unoriginal had long sweeping hair and beautiful sapphire blue eyes which were also opulent pools that Harry could get lost in if he had a gym membership. And the reader’s mouse-button clicked on the big red ‘x’ button. You like imagery – we like some plausibility. Every characters must have flaws and a reasonable personality.

IV. Fleur Delacour is the only canon-proven "babe" in the Harry Potter Universe; it should be noted, however, that her mom does that thing with her tongue.

V. If you think you have an excellent and original idea in FanFiction, step back and meditate.

VI. Merlin, Godric Gryffindor, Rowena Ravenclaw, Salazar Slytherin, Helga Hufflepuff and Pharoah Ramses the Second are dead. It may seem difficult to find a way for Harry to have amazing powers. It may. But that’s because it is. Suck it up, tiger. I’m sure there’s still those amazing books that vest ultimate power around… well at least until Potter Law VII.

VII. Unless the story is a parody, a Dark Arts Book (or any book for that matter) shall not equate to sixty years of combat experience, nor fifty, or even one; it shall, however, serve as a warning sign to readers that the author's story probably utilises Knockturn Alley as a source for said book, and should be discarded.

VIII. The wand is a tool capable of bringing either chaos or order to any situation. A weapon of powerful magnitude, it is the signature of any witch or wizard – a symbol, if you will. See if you can’t have Ollivander (or the other Wandmaker you created for this special occasion) spend more than five minutes building it.

IX. Harry Potter characters and settings should be inherently magical, with Muggle Technology and Weaponry playing a minimal role in a war comprised of prejudiced magic-users and fought in a technology-inhibiting setting. If you find Harry becoming Dirty Harry, you have failed (or you are Rorschach's Blot).

Rorschach Clarification: He failed too.​

X. Let it be known that magic can do almost anything if the will is there, except get Harry Potter pregnant. That requires a mind more fucked up than Demon God of Chaos’s.

Clarification on Homosexuals: Male and gay characters are allowed, so long as they are relegated to being secondary characters and are never Harry Potter; he has never showed signs of being homosexual - ditch that shit, suicide girls.​

Cupdentarding the Clarification: Changing the hero to a girl to get around this ruling is stictly forbidden. The main character has a penis and it will only be permitted to enter the opening on a female's body. Aforementioned female must be one-hundred percent female and not a polyjuiced Draco Malfoy, curious as to how the opposite sex lives.​

XI. Harry can't talk to fish, no matter how much you'd like him to. He is not an elemental, nor can he fly unless safely seated in an airplane, maneuvering his broom, or jumping from a cliff... and whether you like it or not, Harry is not an enchanter, a natural Occlumens, or even a mime. Basically put, Harry does not have superpowers, if he did Voldemort would be dead already.

XII. Harry can't sing. Probably. I wikipedia’d it again and didn’t find anything. But I’m going to go out on a limb here and say he can’t sing because he joins bands that didn’t exist in 1996 (Linkin Park, Good Charlotte, random Emo Band). So no singing. I’m looking at you slitsherwrists666.

XIII. Neither Sirius nor the Potters wrote a letter to Harry to arrive on his sixteenth birthday detailing their deaths, and relaying crucial information to current problems that would have required prophetic abilities on their part.

XIV. Under no circumstances will anyone care about Harry's trunk unless it is used to bludgeon Voldemort to death.

XV. Usage of the character Dobby will be minimal. When he is used, his part will be limited to three paragraphs and must end in a gruesome but still NC-17 rated death.

XVI. What goes through the veil stays through the veil.

XVII. No one had (or will have) sex with Severus Snape.

XVIII. Hedwig is an owl. She is not a Phoenix in disguise, nor will she be reincarnated as one. If Hedwig dies, Harry should do the sensible thing and buy another owl, as they are quite useful.

XIX. The time during which Hogwarts is not in session will not be used to make Harry Potter a world-class athlete, a brilliant magical scholar or a battle-mage of the "my touch brings death" variety; it is not plausible.

DragonBall Zzzz: If the time spent in a training room is disproportionate to time in the rest of the world, please remember to change every "Harry" to "Goku".​

XX. Goblins will have nothing to do with wizards and witches save for the counting and management of their money. There are no wills filed at Gringotts.

Murderous Goblins: Are permitted.​

XXI. Ron Weasley is not an army commander or battle tactician. He is a chess player with little to no other visible skills.

XXII. The Dursleys are irredeemable. Dudley will not apologize; Vernon will not call Harry 'son'; Petunia will never worry about Harry's health or wellbeing. Violations of these inalienable facts are, of course, thinly veiled tricks to lull Harry into complacency.

XXIII. If your main character has the same history as Harry Potter, but you have collectively changed his name, bloodline, abilities, friends, outlook, appearance, and have radically altered the socio-political setting of the Harry Potter universe as well as shifting the geographical focus across an ocean, you are not writing a Harry Potter story, no matter how many actual HP characters you have walk on and off the stage.

XXIV. The wards surrounding Hogwarts are both ancient and powerful – the Darkest Dark Lord in a century (and whoever was better) couldn’t breech them. And Harry’s an equal. That means it’s impossible for Harry, even if he ran for five miles every day and read 1001 Ways to Break Hogwarts which was conveniently stashed in the first store he came across. I used a dictionary on this one, so trust me.

XXV. There won’t be any mysterious American Exchange Students who have been taught the Dark Arts and sure as hell won't understand that it is really just a misunderstood branch of magic. They won’t be powerful enough to beat Voldemort’s Inner Circle without breaking a sweat nor will they force Harry into complacency, drooling over their Mary-Sueish asses all year. If for some reason – like being under the age of thirteen or mentally challenged – you do add Exchange Students, they won’t have your names, nor your friends’ names.

XXVI. If Harry Potter uses something other than magic to kill people, be it guns, swords, lightsabers, kitchenware or thermonuclear devices ‘borrowed’ from ex-Soviet facilities, they will be treated just as they are: instruments used by Harry to inflict death and destruction upon his enemies. If they become the focus of the story, you’re taking the Harry Potter out of Harry Potter and are instead putting in Tridentwatch.

XXVII. Due to the increasing influence of Japanese anime on western society, many fanfiction writer's have displayed a tendency to incorporate Asian influences into their stories. However, in a realistic post-World War 2 society, it is the Japanese who incorporate Western influences into their society. Japan, also, does not hold the key to every long lost magical secret. Lord Voldemort did not hide a Horcrux in Japan and Harry will not find powerful magical artifact’s that hold the key to destroying the aforementioned Dark Lord.

Prohibited Japanese Anime Inclusions:
- Sweat Drops
- Falling over when something embarrassing is said
- Honorary Japanese suffixes, such as -san, -chan,
- Japanese or Asian style clothing
- Cat-people
- Chopsticks
- Anything Else. That’s pretty all-encompassing, isn’t it?​

XXIX. The Wizarding World of England has been around for at least a thousand years. Therefore, foreign nations, most which are much younger that England, are not superior to England and do not impact heavily onto modern Wizarding Society within England.

XXX. Seven year olds (and all young children) have a very short attention span and as such will not be dedicated to studying the intricacies of magic day in day out. In this way, unless time traveling has been involved, an 11 year old entering Hogwarts cannot know more magic than Albus Dumbledore.

XXXI. Fire always makes it better.

XXXII. Harry Potter has never had a trademark 'lopsided grin'. He has made lopsided grins in the past, but that has never given an excuse for authors to give him a disfigured facial structure from the embouchoure muscle overgrowth on one side of his face, which would therefore make him unable to correctly pronounce various spells.

Example: "Arvardar Kedarghrar!!!"​

XXXIII. No Harry Potter character shall under any circumstances use any of the following names when refering to the Dark Lord Voldemort: Voldie-Shorts, Moldie-Shorts, Tommy-boy, Voldie-Woldy, Moldy Woldy, Dark Thing(y), sans ad infinitum.

Luna Lovegood Exemption: It’s ok for Luna to do it. Because she’s weird. Weird and hot.​

XXXIV. Lily Potter did not have Downs Syndrome - she was fully capable of seeing that Severus Snape is, in fact, an ugly man and therefore unshaggable. She was also at least 80% faithful to James Potter.

XXXV. Let it be known that not every Auror answers to, or follows, Moody's concept of 'CONTANT VIGILENCE!’

XXXVI. The Unforgivable Curses are only unforgivable if used against another human. It is not against the law to practice them on animals or Malfoy's. I checked Wikipedia for that one. Although I must admit I edited the article prior to checking.

XXXVII. Not one of Harry's former muggle school mates can remember his face, name, or favorite place on the playground. This rule especially applies to gorgeous teenage girls who claim to have been intimidated by Dudley during grade school.

XXXVIII. Harry's canon acts of accidental magic were normal for his age and magical ability. Changing hair color and length are simple enough charms to be considered "pranks" in the magical world, and apparating is simple enough that nearly every witch or wizard can do it by there eighteenth birthday. (This is comparable to obtaining a driver's license in the USA).

XXXIX. It was stated in canon that there are very few registered Animagi this century, but we know of four unregistered animagi within the limited range of canon characters. If James, Sirius, and Peter can figure it out, then it doesn't take a Wizard Buddhist Priest (Jesus Christ was busy) from a Himalayan Monastary to teach Harry how to do it.

Making it Plausible: It should also be noted that no book, potion, talisman, trick, nor shortcut exists which can speed this process up to a matter of weeks let alone days or hours. If it did, everyone would be an animagus. It's a cool trick after all.​

XL. Harry's life has been less than pleasant. One kiss, act of love or realization of love is not enough to change this. More importantly, one such thing is not enough to fuel intense emotions resulting in the before unheard of event of a golden patronus (I even used the font color gold for emphasis) capable of destroying dementors.

XLI. Knockturn Alley is a branch off the main shopping district in Magical Britain that has a slightly dodgy reputation. It is not your One-Stop-Shop for illegal magical books, forbidden potions ingredients, spare wands of prodigious power or other bargain-basement magical items. It may, however, include whores, but if it does then they're cheap, ugly and probably have the magical equivalent of VD.

XLII. Luna is a slightly unhinged girl. She is not a seeress, a prophetess, a visionary or anything similar. Even if she should somehow develop some magical ability, this is not the reason for her quirkiness; the ability to predict the future does not make raddishes and butterbeer caps appear designer chic.

XLIII. Hermione does not love Ron, he's just the only male aside from Harry who ever talks to her. Luna does not love Ron, she just enjoys messing with his head. No one will ever love Ron; even his mother is only mildly concerned with his wellbeing, and she prefers Harry anyway (He always gets a cooler sweater).

XLIV. An angry Harry should not be soothed after one absent-minded note from any of his acquaintances, friends, dead family members or enemies. If Harry is angry, he should stay angry until some form of retaliation or violence has occurred (Ginny-Beating is preferable). Want Canon-proof? Look at Dumbledore’s office. Heck, look at Dumbledore. That's Harry's fault isn't it? Well, it will be in those Angst stories anyway. And those are all that matters. Right?

XLV. Hermione shall inherit no libraries from anybody, ever. Not because it’s cliché or dumb. It is cliché and dumb. I just like being mean. And maybe I wanted a library when my friend’s godfather died.

 

Giovanni's Corrollary to #4

#4 is null and void if your name is nonjon

 

Righteous Law-Makers unite.

 

#1 doesn't make sense in canon or fanon, seeing as how Dumbledore had no idea that it was a basillisk petrifying students, yet Hermione fucking Granger figured it out, just like Harry figured out where the chamber of secrets was, when Dumbledore had no idea. Not to mention the whole Malfoy being a death eater thing in HBP, Sirius being innocent, Someone trying to steal the SS, Snape being a death eater, etc.

Face it, Dumbledore is a fucking dumbass in Canon.

 

Ok, so we need a rule one, then - it can be anything; propose away but since it is the first, it should be one of the bigger and more important "laws" of fanfiction.

 

Giovanni's Corrollary to #8: This law is null and void if your name is Lord Voldemort.

 

Harry and draco are enemies not lovers.

 

(raises hand)
As it is Potter's Law. I think the first rule should be that Harry Potter is the main character, or at least one of the main characters.

Someone might want to word it better, I'm not good at making rules.

Litha

P.s unless it's historical I suppose such as Terrible but great.

 

Giovanni's Corrollary to XIV: The period at the end of the sentence is to be removed and the words " *insert rare magical creature hide* battle robes, rare non-wand artifacts, or secret hideouts in the chamber of secrets" are to be added.

 

Damn I had some good ones in the IRC but I only had it logging back 1,500 lines and lost them. Oh well, this will give me a chance to think up some new ones...

what number are we on again... I suck at Roman Numerals...

- Draco Malfoy is not, nor will he ever be a Veela. Every author knows that Lucius is Voldemort's shitbaby and Narcissa is a dirty whorish relation of Sirius, neither of which hold any Veela genes.

- Let it henceforth be known that the basilisk Harry slayed in Chamber of Secrets was in fact, not older than Christ. Let it also be known that every set of basilisk hide battle robes does not require a matching wand holster. Matching accessories is something that women and gay people do, not cold hearted killers.

- What goes through the veil stays through the veil. Harry is not immune to this rule. If he is either stupid enough to jump through and attempt to save a man he barely knew or emo enough to try and commit suicide, then he deserves to die anyway.

(The only exception to this rule is an eternity of hellish torture.)​

- Every seer knows that elbows in butter dishes can only foretell a future filled with dirty whores and pain inducing fluff. Unless the problem is taken care of quickly, chaos will ensue.

That's all I can remember at the moment, especially since I have a pounding headache... thank Raven for spellcheck. ...yeah...

Edit, I wasn't supposed to number them yet, I blame the meds I took for my head...

 

-[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]Running for two weeks will not make you strong, nor will it give you a six-pack. Let it be noted, Quidditch will also have no effect on how strong you are; he holds a broom for a few hours, that's it. He's not going to be Arnold Schwarzenegger.

 

Harry Potter characters and settings should be inherently magical, with Muggle technology and weaponry playing a minimal role in a war of predjudiced magic-users fought in a technology-inhibiting setting, especially in the final battle between two wizards.

Two months is not enough time to become a world-class athlete, genius magical scholar, or battle-mage of the "walking killing machine" variety.

15 years of being short, nearsighted, and skinny cannot be corrected in one summer of decent meals.

Being a Seeker entails sitting on a broom and catching small objects. Nowhere in this description is there justification for hard, toned muscles or an athletic physique. Sitting on your ass does not make you buff.

Lily Evans was a muggle-born witch, whose parents were not the Squib heirs to obscure and powerful magical bloodlines with the potential to upset Wizarding politics on a continental scale.

Hedwig is an owl. She is not a pheonix in disguise, nor will she be reincarnated as such. If Hedwig dies, Harry should do the sensible thing and buy another owl, as they are quite useful.

Harry is not a pheonix Animagus or multi-animagus, nor should you create entirely new magical animals specifically for the honor of being his animal form.

Neither Sirius nor the Potters wrote a letter to Harry to arrive on his sixteenth birthday detailing their deaths, and relaying crucial information to current problems that would have required prophetic abilities on their part.

Eh, that's all for me for now.

EDIT: I almost forgot some of the most important ones.

Severus Snape is not secretly a nice, if misunderstood, guy. He is not secretly in love with Hermione Granger or Harry Potter. Draco Malfoy, of course, is fair game so long as the relationship is made extremely and graphically public and results in massive ridicule and scorn for both parties, perhaps ending in a murder/suicide

Ron Weasley is not an army commander or battle tactician. He is a chess player with little to no other visible skills.

 

You don't grow up in a cupboard, being called a freak every day, and turn out emotionally capable of understanding love. Fluff should not be allowed.

 

I ahve to disagree with the 'Lily's parents being squibs' idea. There is NO other way to make Harry a pureblood.

Admittedly, this is because my fic features Harry as a pureblood, but regardless. Lily either has to be the adopted daughter of the Evans family, or their parents need to ahve been Squibs. Of course, Petunia needs to be related to Lily, otherwise the blood wards thing doesn't work.

 

I think rule one should be one of the fundamentals of DLP lore.

Let it be known by all, that Harry Potter does not indulge in any for of Homosexual activities.

Anyone work found that is not contravenes said law will be subject to trial by Kitchenware

 

I may get killed with this one, but:

- A story that has killed Voldemort, the Weasleys, The Grangers, Minerva, Dumbledore, Sirius, Remus, Tonks and luna. A Story wich has destroyed hogwart, beauxbatons, and dumstrang. Such a story will not be a "Harry Potter" fic. it may, however be a good original fiction. Minus points if Severus Snape or Draco fucking Malfoy live.

Same thing with "Harry is a muggle" fics, or "Films" fics.

 

I disagree with that homosexual remark, as long as Harry's not gay I don't see why we should be totally homophobic.


If that rule applied some of the authors on this very site would stop writing girl/girl scenes. There would also be no more Harem's for Harry because they have girl on girl scenes.

You can't have it both ways.

I just think if your going to have any kind of slash in a fic it should be labeled as such.

I mean I think one rule should be;
Herman is an arrogant anal retentive bitch, therefore should be killed of at the earliest opportunity.

But people would complain because not everyone hates Herman.

-I still think that Harry should be the main character or one of them, unless the fic is depicting events before his birth.

-Also that the responsibility for whooping Voldemorts ass belongs to Harry.

I can't really think of more because I'm no good at making rules.

Litha

 

Proposed amendment to above rule. Harry Potter has never given the inclination of crying at anytime in canon though moments of sadness were present. I here by propose the rule be amended to:

"V: Harry Potter will under no circumstances cry, sob, lie in anguish or angst or any action to that effect. He may grieve in silence and may shed a tear or two. Crying during or after the death of any member of the Weasley Family or his owl is prohibited."

Proposed new rules:

- Harry Potter will not be the heir in any way or form of Ravenclaw, Huffelpuff, Gryffindore, Slytherin, Merlin or 20 other families, all of who are ultimate wizards or witches.

- Harry Potter will not inherit 10 bazillion galleons and 55 million Krunts from his ancestors and/or Black, making him the 3 richest wizard in the universe.

- Reading a book only make you magically powerful in PC games not fiction.

- Any attempts at Snape is a "nice guy" should be shot before it starts.

- Harry Potter should not be lead blindly around by one Hermione Ganger, the proclaimed smartest witch in their year.

- Sword usage and fighting is in the past. Deal with it.

 

Hermione/Ron/Ginny do not possess god-like powers.