About 50 chapters in, 4.25/5. Can't say anything anyone else hasn't, just adding my voice to the others.

I'm getting a bit annoyed with the series-of-stupid-misunderstandings going on though, it's only a minor complaint.

 

The ending lines of the third book were just :awesome.

And FFN reviews.

I lol'ed

 

>.>

Everyone holds their opinion, and I'm not easily swayed by peer pressure, no matter the form. An author never changes his plot, but any and all grammar tips are extremely welcomed. By the way, anyone has any suggestion on good proofreading tools? Words seems to be lacking in regards to the FFnet one, which bodes the question if there's another one that is better in some way.

 

Is this really DLP? If so, why the fuck is this rated so well? It's just so... crude, rough, full of inconsistencies and forced confusion. It's not enjoyable to read, the finesse necessary to enjoy the complicated plot is just not here. The final product is just so strange, and I kept reading thinking that it must become somewhat enjoyable in light of the glowing reviews of some members of this forum. But god, I am at chapter 25 and nothing makes sense or not enough sense at least. And saying that it's because it's mystery really doesn't cut it. I can accept being somewhat confuse in a story, but there is a moment where it's just too much and I say fuck it it's just not going anywhere. There are other things that annoyed me but they were already addressed so there is no point in repeating them.

 

I would like to meet the person who posted the review. Too bad it's an anonymous one.

Just because this is DLP forum doesn't mean we can't appreciate well written pieces of literature. As for the confusing parts, carry on reading. Almost every question is answered as you go forward.

I liked this story because Harry becomes 'kick-ass' systematically, unlike shooting AK's out of his arse.

But isn't Merlin, I dunno, supposed to be older than the founders, or did I get it wrong?

Also, the latest chapter sounds promising. I like the title of 'King's Men'. It sounds way cooler than 'Death Eaters'.

 

Merlin's age isn't actually explained in the Wiki.
There is the problem of deeming him the 'real world' Merlin (Making him younger than the founders) or 'canon' Merlin (who was sorted into Slytherin, and to be sorted you have to be eleven years old)

That's the Leeway I used for one of the most important points:

Spoiler

Merlin as the secret son of Salazar and Rowena.

 

Considering the nature of this fic I don't think we can really comment on the plot unless it is finished, though I am liking what we have so far. I just posted that quote because I found it funny.

I can see where you are coming from. In an alternate universe I have posted the same thing on this thread. But in this one I decided to read some more and really started loving this story. Although it could just be that this isn't your cup of tea, if you can/want, try reading up-till mid book 3, a lot of shit comes to light in there IIRC.

He should be. But according to Pottermore/Rowling, Merlin was sorted into Slytherin. So in Harry Potter's world Merlin came after the founders.

I had been reading this fic at around 25 chapters/day and now we drop down to 1 chapter/day. I feel like a junkie coming off a high.

 

I learned a long time ago that you can't just make everyone happy. Sometimes you have to choose. That's why writing is always considered something personal. In the end the author writes for himself first and foremost. He might find people who truly enjoy his books from chapter one to finish, just like he might find people who hate some parts, or who hate them completely.

I write what I like, so worse to worse I know that at the very least my stories will always have at least one reader: me.

Sorry for dropping you down from the 25 chapters a day: my maximum was of a single inspired day where I wrote off two fifteen thousands chapters in the same day. Now I'm just relax-writing.

 

My eyebrows are touching my hairline.

 

I think this is a pretty cliche fic, super wand, Dumbledore is pretty unrealistic, and the WW2 references start to annoy. I'll admit that there are some interesting ideas but I hate way it's executed 1/5 from me.

 

I'm glad I pushed through the first few chapters with this because there's just something so damn intriguing about this story. The way Harry rises is paced well, even though he has a lot of the usual cliches (Heir to blah, blah and blah, special ghosts helping him, etc.) they are well written.

Also, refer to one of Blaise's, I think, posts about wanting a new Potter Law that stated if a cliche is written well, it doesn't follow the usual Potter Law. I think.

I liked the journey Harry makes to becoming stronger as an individual and magically. I can suspend my disbelief enough to accept that someone could potentially make it through all these horrible events, and that's the sign of a good writer IMHO.

I'm just at the second half of the story, where you see the hero rise (as the author stated) and I'm eager to read more.

4/5 atm for me.

 

From what I have read so far it is decent. I concur that the plot is intriguing, however, I don't think it is library material. There are too many errors. It has an abundance of excess that needs to be trimmed as they add nothing to the story.

I will give it a 3/5. It has potential. Once he finishes the story, assuming he does it well. Goes back and revises, giving it a more streamlined consistency and for the love of god grammar checks. Then put it up for review again.

But as it is now, I don't think it is library worthy.

 

The real story starts from like the 16 or 17th chapter. The ones before that are just for building up the intrigue. The first year as a whole isn't that attractive to read as it has quite a few cliches. The second book ups the ante and the third book is where the shit storm starts.

 

Maybe one has to re-read the story but my impression is that it is somewhat inconsistent in its style:
Some parts of the storyline are written in a "normal style" where one understands what is going on - and it's fun. This includes the beginning, the interaction with Grindelwald, Harry's actions both at Hogwarts and at Durmstrang etc.
On the other hand, the "mystery" elements are very confusing - in my opinion, too much so. For example, the story is supposed to (I guess?) reflect Harry's "rise" - and some scenes really drive this point home, like Draco calling him his "king". On the other hand, the author always emphasizes that nothing is as it seems. So it would totally not surprise me if all the gold at Gringotts were somehow useless to him, the "staff or Merlin" some "evil" tool or maybe he just wakes up at home, in front of his computer, playing games.

After hundreds of thousands of words one would I would really like to know at least a bit about what is going on - or at least, to know a bit about the main character! But since there are always new relevations, possessions, manipulations, we don't really know how Harry "truly" ticks at all - in fact, we know all the other characters much better than we know the protagonist.
I certainly to enjoy complicated plots, manipulations, machinations etc etc - but a story also needs character development, characterization! Hopefully, Harry's mind is truly his own now so that we will see, how he develops, makes his choices, plots.. etc

Still, from me: 4/5

 

Yes, it is. Mind you, when I was twelve years old my idea was to write a wonderful story about how the power of flowers could burn down cities. It was cringeworthy and idiotic too, but at the moment the idea was sound.

Harry going from bad-ass to scared cat and vice-versa is a trend that, if noticed, happens all the time he realizes he's over-reached. While it's easy to be a king of children or kids, it's not the same thing with a death eater who has Voldemort nearby.
And the Dark Lord ordered no Obliviate on Harry. There was no word on the Crucio.

The mysteries are resolved along the way, at least those of Book 2 concerning the Basilisk and the culprit. The one of Book 1 is important and left for the end, while the one in Book 3 deals with Grindelwald and perspective as a moral viewpoint.

Concerning the lack of visible backslash, I probably admit I didn't simply get around to adding a view-point on the matter.

And the Why is a question that Harry does ask, but, and here's the problem, he's a twelve years old. A normal twelve years old. Whereas Canon Harry was a Gryffindor bravely charging head on, Ravenclaw Harry isn't. Ravenclaws are the guys who read books and learn stuff, their heads busy. This isn't to say they can't be brave, or that they need to act like cunning mad-men.

Only that a twelve year old canon Ravenclaw would not charge head-on in the chamber of secrets to slay a basilisk, but would rather find a way out of a mess of Crucio and the likes, grasping onto whatever chance or possibility to get out of there that didn't involve worse.

Harry isn't a hero, not yet. He outright snaps rather than hold a consistent line of thought because while broken, he still isn't broken enough.

And once he does break, he breaks completely. He goes from being the child of chapter one, the scared child who asks the world why did he have to be chosen in chapter two, to the resigned child soldier of chapter three and towards the end of chapter three he starts to become what he fears.

He stops being a child. He stops running.

The problem is that there are things that should not be met face on, and whereas it's amusing and entertaining to read about a Harry fighting a Basilisk in canon, a twelve years old does not fight every day as if norm a giant snake. The child screams, cries, and runs away.

At least, that was the message I tried to convey.

However I did get the Beta-application accepted, so I'll start sending them over the first chapters and we'll see it from there I suppose.

 

Hey Shadenight - I just want to add that although some of us readers are somehow frustrated with the mystery etc - we obviously are reading the story, thinking about it, getting annoyed about it etc - so please don't let criticism stop you from continuing you fic!

Still I have one question: Most of the story is written in a normal style. But some scenes are written in a more "poetic"/"epic" style - like p.e. the interactions with Merlin etc.. here the reader (or at least I) don't really understand what's happening. Which is weird, since these scenes are obviously important, but the story more or less skips over them, they are done and over with after very few, confusing paragraphs, and suddenly Harry is the heir of Merlin etc pp. Why? Is this to make it sound "epic" (Wastelands of time - like) or what?

Cheers

 

Ah I'm not going to stop writing it, no matter the criticism. (Albeit it wasn't a criticism what Sree said. She/He was just expressing her own opinion, in an extremely constructive manner that I will find a way to answer to in the fic, because that's just the way I am)

That said, the difference between Normal and Epic style? The problem is probably in the fact that since English isn't my principal language, I have a vocabulary of terms I tend to use and 'recycle'. So when I reach a scene I know I can write in 'Epic style' I tend to do so, whereas for the majority of interactions I lax off knowing what vocabulary I have wouldn't make it 'epic' in the slightest.

Now, Merlin's interaction wasn't made to make sense. He's a madman nearing his end who wishes to be killed. Completely different from what he was shown to be in the history, and thus warranting the question of Why he became like that.

Currently, I am writing the entirety of the 'time-travel' plot in advance, something I generally don't do, because Time-Travelling will make it harder, extremely so, to understand just what goes on in this particular book. (I have headaches just trying to read how Method of Rationality uses it)

I'll try and get the style 'more equal' around the next chapters. Thanks for the cheers!

 

This. I was loving it, but after the first thirty chapters or so the fic just goes downhill. A lot of stuff comes out of the blue, and not in a good way, a million things happening at once for just the sake of being epic etc etc. And I skipped over all the navy warfare, wasn't interested in it when they were flying in Marquis Black or whatever his name was and not interested now.

The first thirty or so chapters of this fic? Good, and it was really picking up. Then it just lost the plot mainly. The writing is sound, the ideas are interesting but to many ideas come out at once, within a small period of time. To hard and fast whilst trying to remain mysterious just makes for a lot of confused reading.

Plus, as Sree said, the characterisation just goes awol as well.

I did say 4/5, but I'm putting that down to 3/5 cause of the later chapters. A decent read, but it had a lot more potential then shown in later chapters..

 

Seriously, time-travel?

Here I was thinking this couldn't get any more complicated than it already is.

Oh and the super moderator Sree is a HE.