I read the story and I think it's worth a read. I agree with Duke of Rothwood about Ron and Hermione, but if you change it to some made up event it's ok. On the other hand, why would Dumbledore make this up? To create a hero for Hogwarts? OK, but why Hermione or Ron. Ron is a brainless idiot and without Harry he wouldn't even be friends with Hermione. And Hermione isn't that popular. If you want to create a hero, someone popular and halfway intelligent would be the best choice. Maybe Cedric. Other than that this story is good. For now I'll give it 3/5 stars, but I won't vote right now to see if it gets better.

 

Decent Fic, thats worth seeing how it goes. Harry seems very powerful for his age and to young to be as skilled assassin as he is. Dumbledore also seems a little dumber then usual. The wizard oath the he mad him take was very open and even he must surely have seen that. He could have got a lot more because he has no other alternative other then jail. I hope Dumbledore has deep pockets if he wants to get Harry/Nikolai to off Voldemort because thats still gonna be one hell of a job.

 

Just posted chapter three. It has not been beta'd yet so there is bound to be mistakes. Again I would like suggestions on what I can do better etc.

Hope you guys like it.

 

You might want to fix that, for I am not sure what it is supposed to be.

The conversation between the two felt kind of cheesy, for I don't think even Dumbledore would be that leaniant.

Overall, it was a decent chapter, but I may stop reading, simply for the fact that I don't like this Harry.

I think it started before when he actually torments Hermione about killing her parents, which seemed incredibly cruel.

I don't like Evil Harry, so will probably not continue to read this.

This Harry reminds me of cannons Malfoy, and I have a strong hatred cannons Malfoy.

 

The new chapter is OK, but smoking Harry annoys me somehow. I know you wrote he doesn't usually smoke, but this was a downside for me in this chapter. Not much else to say, except that I'll continue reading.

 

Why do you keep describing Harry's clothes? Are they important, or is it filler? I really like your story, and I can see you are working hard, but the writing style and some of the stuff Harry does is a little Stained. His Master Assassin fic was quite similar. I know you can do better, and you write well enough that I still want to read, but you need to work on the cliches.

Cut down on describing his clothes, and at 14 I doubt he can do five miles, 250 pushups, 250 sit-ups, and weights for a whole hour.

You have to realize that your Harry is 14, he isn't going to be slaughtering, destroying people, tricking adults, doing training some athletes would awe at. Yes, he should be better, but not at the capability he is at now. Maybe at 16 or 17, but not now.

I still like it a lot though. Oh, and kill Hermione. Stupid bitch, she stared defiantly back, slaughter the little fuck.

EDIT: One more thing, will this be Independent Harry, because then I would like to add it to the C2. Oh, and what the fuck, don't sell out all the Death Eaters just for a few lessons in Battle Transfiguration. Harry could have easily asked, and he would have had to said yes.

 

It was an alright chapter I agree with DLR about selling out the death eaters. If you want to turn Harry into some sort of traitor create a better plot for it then Dumbeldore helping him study. I also agree about the work out, its excessive, I can buy the five miles but 250 situps and pushups, I dunno, SOCOM has lower standards.

Smoking Harry did't bother me, something like a third of the world smokes so why not Harry?

My problem was with the electronic devices that run on magic, it just seems like an easy way out of having to create magical communication methods, weapon, etc. I'm wary of how you said muggle weaponry is supperior to its magical counter parts. In cannon we never actually was a magical army, the aurors are a police/SWAT type unit. So we don't actually know how magical wars between countries are fought. Having Harry simply destory the death eaters by introducing the Kalashnikov to his followers would make this fic go from good to terriable really fast.

 

JJ- Thanks for pointing that mistake out.

CGB- I know. I don't like smoking Harry either. I was just trying to think up ways of pissing Snape off, and using mugg;e things seemed like a good idea. I'll change it to him asking if sape wanted one when I get a chance.

DLR- Yes it will be an Independent! Dark! Harry fic so you can add it to your c2 if you want. I will cut down on the clothing description. Oh and he is 16 yrs old. Don't know where you got the idea he was 14. Hermione will die don't worry.

Brooklyn- The muggle army won't be used much in this fic. I forgot to mention it above, but Harry will be getting more from selling out the DE than just lessons. The electronic device didn't run on magic it just had a ward around it that cancled all magic surrounding it.

 

Good, added. He is 16, huh, I have no idea why I thought he was 14. I think I looked at your age when typing and thought he was too. Sorry.

 

Dumbledore smoking? Seems a little farfetched. Dumbledore still seems to dumb for what he should be. I think more then one Harry has to be put in his place good and hard at least once. Then he needs to finish of granger and rape the bitch while her body's still warm. Whoops might have gone a little far oh well nice chapter by the way, going to keep reading

 

You're right I could actually see Dumbledore smoking a pipe, not a cigarette like I was picturing him smoking before

 

Lol the pipe thing is an awesome idea. Maybe I should have him walk into the great hall with one or something to that effect. Thanks for all the feedback, I appreciate it.

 

Im really liking this story so far, especialy with your editing. His workout routine seems a little farfetched but i suppose if you had been doing it your whole life you could do all that. Also i could deffinitley see dumbledoor smoking the cig if only to try and make harry think he got a one up on him, and to get harry to relax more.

On the topic of selling out the DE, i think thats about right, he will get something and a threat will be removed. Remember that Lucius now wants to give him over to voldy, so for harry this is like killing 2 birds with one stone.

keep up the good work

 

Yes, but he isn't just selling one DE. He is selling out ever single Inner Circle member. I thought assassins never sell out their employers.

 

I never said he was selling out every single Inner circle member. On another note, I wont be updating very quickly now that school started up. What with that and football, I wont be getting home until 6. Then homework

 

Cool I like how Harry is using everyone to get what he wants I like this story I havn't read many like.

 

"I, Harry, hereby swear on my magic that I will not physically or magicly harm a student or commit illegal activities while on Hogwarts school grounds. I will not run away from Hogwarts until I have finished my Sixth Year education or I receive permission from Albus Dumbledore.”
So he can hurt anyone that isnt a student? Nice....
Oh Does that man he cant defend himself if a student atacks him? Maybe he could use legimancy to hurt student since that would be more mentaly that magicly...