Oh yeah, and we can't forget that Goblins are always so infinitely polite in all their dealings with Harry, because he's the only one in the universe to ever remember a Goblin's name and to address them with some manners.

The Goblins are such misunderstood creatures. Really, they're nature's pacifists, what with the lovely sulfur breath, jagged sharp teeth, beady black eyes and the perfectly manicured talons.

I still don't understand to this day why people fanwank Griphook in fanfics.

 

Dude, that's not badly written smut, that's flat out anatomy!fail.

 

Really? I hadn't noticed.

Thank you for clarifying that the example I gave of the worst smut I've ever read is not just badly written, but impossible as well. I'd never figure that out myself.

Although you never know with half-breeds...

 

Okay, pardon my ignorance of things I know nothing about, but...

Why is that an anatomy fail?

 

Because if you're stretching your clit when fucking, you're probably doing something wrong.

 

Because the clitoris doesn't work the same way a vagina does, i.e. the tightness... why the fuck would it matter? You don't fuck the clit, there's nothing in it that could loosen it up, no hole (like the vaginal one) to be stretched and so on.

The author, whoever it might be, was equating the clit with the vagina itself.

 

Seems pretty stretched.

 

Ancient Chinese cartoons don't count.

 

He might have intended to write 'slit,' which would make far more sense in that context. But it remains hilarious, nevertheless.

 

More like recent american ones. South Park, no bells? One of the classic episodes, or was it the movie? Can't remember.

 

'May your gold always flow!' and these other so-called goblin greetings.

These things annoy me.

 

I'm still waiting for a goblin to reply: "Well, that's kind of impossible when you wizards keep it locked up in vaults, now isn't it?"

Anyone actually know which fic started the whole will-reading thing at Gringotts?

 

Do you know what's worse than reading about Harry telling off Dumbledore and every other seemingly capable adult off, revealing their 'elementary' mistakes with his child-forced-to-mature-prematurely perspective?

A whipped Harry. A Harry who gets shit on and accepts it meekly. He gets fucked over and he takes it all with resignation. When he accepts things that other have done with an odd numbness to the whole thing, and even the story goes along with it to support how he should accept such treatment.

Today's pet peeve has been prompted by a shitty HP/Smallville crossover fic that I regret ever coming across.

 

Cross your fingers and hope Constantine gets hit by a train.

The Potter train.

Though, not necessarily railroaded like the Hogwarts Express.

 

Let's not forget the slabs of Azkabait, and the physics of how a Bludger might get stuffed into a Quaffle, but still resemble sexual intercourse.

I really loved McLaggen in that fic. And Romilda too, strange though it is.

And nah, Constantine doesn't deserve a train. Merely make him incapable of smoking ever again, but still having the desire to do so. That ought to be a cruel and unusual punishment enough.

 

I see your whipped!Harry and raise you a CAPSLOCK!Harry, who is apparently completely without self control or any kind of restraint. Whenever someone says pretty much anything he FLIES OFF THE HANDLE AND FUCKING GOES BONKERS!!!1!!

Handle it, Potter!

 

Harry Fuckin' Potter.

 

This.

Also, when Harry is competent, smart etc. but keeps making dumb mistakes, usually to add 'tension' to the story or when he's these things but lets people walk all over him anyway.

When Dumbledore lets himself be berated by Harry for all his mistakes (Dursleys etc.) instead of smacking him down and pointing out that he's an ungrateful little bastard who's alive because of him.

 

I don't follow.

How is Harry alive because of Dumbledore?

Why couldn't have Dumbledore asked one of his Order-related friends to keep a watch on Harry?

And no, Figg doesn't count for shit, because she never stepped into the Dursley abode.

Look, I'm with you on the whole thing that Harry berating Dumbledore for every mistake, which the old man wasn't aware he was making, is pure shit.

But as far as the Dursleys are concerned, Harry does have a right to shitfling at Dumbledore. What kind of a fucking insane idiot leaves a baby in a basket on a doorstep with nothing more than a letter?

 

I like to think it is Dumbledore's belief in his own magic, and that he warded Harry to the shithouse when he left him on the doorstep without visible protection. Completely made up, but it is the only way I can sleep at night when I consider that part of the story.