The New 45

Revamped forty-five. Include a lot of the submissions in this thread. Thanks ^_^.

Potter Law
Created and kept by the Sacred Order of Dark Lord Potter​

I. Harry Potter. That’s all. If you don’t understand then you’re hopeless. Give up. Leave the fandom. And just incase you still don’t understand, Harry Potter is everything in this fandom. Treat him well (by mistreating him). Make him shine (by sticking him in the darkest, most woe-begotten situations you can imagine). Keep the Harry Potter, Harry Potter.

II. If Potters based their romantic interests on skin color alone, you’d hate them. It’s the same with hair color. The Potters don’t have a trend for marrying redheads unless you like being called a hack as an author.

Far-Reaching Rule: You’re not excluded either, Rowling.​

III. Mary Sue Unoriginal had long sweeping hair and beautiful sapphire blue eyes which were also opulent pools that Harry could get lost in if he had a gym membership. And the reader’s mouse-button clicked on the big red ‘x’ button. You like imagery – we like some plausibility. Every characters must have flaws and a reasonable personality.

IV. Fleur Delacour is the only canon-proven "babe" in the Harry Potter Universe; it should be noted, however, that her mom does that thing with her tongue.

V. If you think you have an excellent and original idea in FanFiction, step back and meditate.

VI. Merlin, Godric Gryffindor, Rowena Ravenclaw, Salazar Slytherin, Helga Hufflepuff and Pharoah Ramses the Second are dead. It may seem difficult to find a way for Harry to have amazing powers. It may. But that’s because it is. Suck it up, tiger. I’m sure there’s still those amazing books that vest ultimate power around… well at least until Potter Law VII.

VII. Unless the story is a parody, a Dark Arts Book (or any book for that matter) shall not equate to sixty years of combat experience, nor fifty, or even one; it shall, however, serve as a warning sign to readers that the author's story probably utilises Knockturn Alley as a source for said book, and should be discarded.

VIII. The wand is a tool capable of bringing either chaos or order to any situation. A weapon of powerful magnitude, it is the signature of any witch or wizard – a symbol, if you will. See if you can’t have Ollivander (or the other Wandmaker you created for this special occasion) spend more than five minutes building it.

IX. Harry Potter characters and settings should be inherently magical, with Muggle Technology and Weaponry playing a minimal role in a war comprised of prejudiced magic-users and fought in a technology-inhibiting setting. If you find Harry becoming Dirty Harry, you have failed (or you are Rorschach's Blot).

Rorschach Clarification: He failed too.​

X. Let it be known that magic can do almost anything if the will is there, except get Harry Potter pregnant. That requires a mind more fucked up than Demon God of Chaos’s.

Clarification on Homosexuals: Male and gay characters are allowed, so long as they are relegated to being secondary characters and are never Harry Potter; he has never showed signs of being homosexual - ditch that shit, suicide girls.​

Cupdentarding the Clarification: Changing the hero to a girl to get around this ruling is stictly forbidden. The main character has a penis and it will only be permitted to enter the opening on a female's body. Aforementioned female must be one-hundred percent female and not a polyjuiced Draco Malfoy, curious as to how the opposite sex lives.​

XI. Harry can't talk to fish, no matter how much you'd like him to. He is not an elemental, nor can he fly unless safely seated in an airplane, maneuvering his broom, or jumping from a cliff... and whether you like it or not, Harry is not an enchanter, a natural Occlumens, or even a mime. Basically put, Harry does not have superpowers, if he did Voldemort would be dead already.

XII. Harry can't sing. Probably. I wikipedia’d it again and didn’t find anything. But I’m going to go out on a limb here and say he can’t sing because he joins bands that didn’t exist in 1996 (Linkin Park, Good Charlotte, random Emo Band). So no singing. I’m looking at you slitsherwrists666.

XIII. Neither Sirius nor the Potters wrote a letter to Harry to arrive on his sixteenth birthday detailing their deaths, and relaying crucial information to current problems that would have required prophetic abilities on their part.

XIV. Under no circumstances will anyone care about Harry's trunk unless it is used to bludgeon Voldemort to death.

XV. Usage of the character Dobby will be minimal. When he is used, his part will be limited to three paragraphs and must end in a gruesome but still NC-17 rated death.

XVI. What goes through the veil stays through the veil.

XVII. No one had (or will have) sex with Severus Snape.

XVIII. Hedwig is an owl. She is not a Phoenix in disguise, nor will she be reincarnated as one. If Hedwig dies, Harry should do the sensible thing and buy another owl, as they are quite useful.

XIX. The time during which Hogwarts is not in session will not be used to make Harry Potter a world-class athlete, a brilliant magical scholar or a battle-mage of the "my touch brings death" variety; it is not plausible.

DragonBall Zzzz: If the time spent in a training room is disproportionate to time in the rest of the world, please remember to change every "Harry" to "Goku".​

XX. Goblins will have nothing to do with wizards and witches save for the counting and management of their money. There are no wills filed at Gringotts.

Murderous Goblins: Are permitted.​

XXI. Ron Weasley is not an army commander or battle tactician. He is a chess player with little to no other visible skills.

XXII. The Dursleys are irredeemable. Dudley will not apologize; Vernon will not call Harry 'son'; Petunia will never worry about Harry's health or wellbeing. Violations of these inalienable facts are, of course, thinly veiled tricks to lull Harry into complacency.

XXIII. If your main character has the same history as Harry Potter, but you have collectively changed his name, bloodline, abilities, friends, outlook, appearance, and have radically altered the socio-political setting of the Harry Potter universe as well as shifting the geographical focus across an ocean, you are not writing a Harry Potter story, no matter how many actual HP characters you have walk on and off the stage.

XXIV. The wards surrounding Hogwarts are both ancient and powerful – the Darkest Dark Lord in a century (and whoever was better) couldn’t breech them. And Harry’s an equal. That means it’s impossible for Harry, even if he ran for five miles every day and read 1001 Ways to Break Hogwarts which was conveniently stashed in the first store he came across. I used a dictionary on this one, so trust me.

XXV. There won’t be any mysterious American Exchange Students who have been taught the Dark Arts and sure as hell won't understand that it is really just a misunderstood branch of magic. They won’t be powerful enough to beat Voldemort’s Inner Circle without breaking a sweat nor will they force Harry into complacency, drooling over their Mary-Sueish asses all year. If for some reason – like being under the age of thirteen or mentally challenged – you do add Exchange Students, they won’t have your names, nor your friends’ names.

XXVI. If Harry Potter uses something other than magic to kill people, be it guns, swords, lightsabers, kitchenware or thermonuclear devices ‘borrowed’ from ex-Soviet facilities, they will be treated just as they are: instruments used by Harry to inflict death and destruction upon his enemies. If they become the focus of the story, you’re taking the Harry Potter out of Harry Potter and are instead putting in Tridentwatch.

XXVII. Due to the increasing influence of Japanese anime on western society, many fanfiction writer's have displayed a tendency to incorporate Asian influences into their stories. However, in a realistic post-World War 2 society, it is the Japanese who incorporate Western influences into their society. Japan, also, does not hold the key to every long lost magical secret. Lord Voldemort did not hide a Horcrux in Japan and Harry will not find powerful magical artifact’s that hold the key to destroying the aforementioned Dark Lord.

Prohibited Japanese Anime Inclusions:
- Sweat Drops
- Falling over when something embarrassing is said
- Honorary Japanese suffixes, such as -san, -chan,
- Japanese or Asian style clothing
- Cat-people
- Chopsticks
- Anything Else. That’s pretty all-encompassing, isn’t it?​

XXIX. The Wizarding World of England has been around for at least a thousand years. Therefore, foreign nations, most which are much younger that England, are not superior to England and do not impact heavily onto modern Wizarding Society within England.

XXX. Seven year olds (and all young children) have a very short attention span and as such will not be dedicated to studying the intricacies of magic day in day out. In this way, unless time traveling has been involved, an 11 year old entering Hogwarts cannot know more magic than Albus Dumbledore.

XXXI. Fire always makes it better.

XXXII. Harry Potter has never had a trademark 'lopsided grin'. He has made lopsided grins in the past, but that has never given an excuse for authors to give him a disfigured facial structure from the embouchoure muscle overgrowth on one side of his face, which would therefore make him unable to correctly pronounce various spells.

Example: "Arvardar Kedarghrar!!!"​

XXXIII. No Harry Potter character shall under any circumstances use any of the following names when refering to the Dark Lord Voldemort: Voldie-Shorts, Moldie-Shorts, Tommy-boy, Voldie-Woldy, Moldy Woldy, Dark Thing(y), sans ad infinitum.

Luna Lovegood Exemption: It’s ok for Luna to do it. Because she’s weird. Weird and hot.​

XXXIV. Lily Potter did not have Downs Syndrome - she was fully capable of seeing that Severus Snape is, in fact, an ugly man and therefore unshaggable. She was also at least 80% faithful to James Potter.

XXXV. Let it be known that not every Auror answers to, or follows, Moody's concept of 'CONTANT VIGILENCE!’

XXXVI. The Unforgivable Curses are only unforgivable if used against another human. It is not against the law to practice them on animals or Malfoy's. I checked Wikipedia for that one. Although I must admit I edited the article prior to checking.

XXXVII. Not one of Harry's former muggle school mates can remember his face, name, or favorite place on the playground. This rule especially applies to gorgeous teenage girls who claim to have been intimidated by Dudley during grade school.

XXXVIII. Harry's canon acts of accidental magic were normal for his age and magical ability. Changing hair color and length are simple enough charms to be considered "pranks" in the magical world, and apparating is simple enough that nearly every witch or wizard can do it by there eighteenth birthday. (This is comparable to obtaining a driver's license in the USA).

XXXIX. It was stated in canon that there are very few registered Animagi this century, but we know of four unregistered animagi within the limited range of canon characters. If James, Sirius, and Peter can figure it out, then it doesn't take a Wizard Buddhist Priest (Jesus Christ was busy) from a Himalayan Monastary to teach Harry how to do it.

Making it Plausible:[/b] It should also be noted that no book, potion, talisman, trick, nor shortcut exists which can speed this process up to a matter of weeks let alone days or hours. If it did, everyone would be an animagus. It's a cool trick after all.

XL. Harry's life has been less than pleasant. One kiss, act of love or realization of love is not enough to change this. More importantly, one such thing is not enough to fuel intense emotions resulting in the before unheard of event of a golden patronus (I even used the font color gold for emphasis) capable of destroying dementors.

XLI. Knockturn Alley is a branch off the main shopping district in Magical Britain that has a slightly dodgy reputation. It is not your One-Stop-Shop for illegal magical books, forbidden potions ingredients, spare wands of prodigious power or other bargain-basement magical items. It may, however, include whores, but if it does then they're cheap, ugly and probably have the magical equivalent of VD.

XLII. Luna is a slightly unhinged girl. She is not a seeress, a prophetess, a visionary or anything similar. Even if she should somehow develop some magical ability, this is not the reason for her quirkiness; the ability to predict the future does not make raddishes and butterbeer caps appear designer chic.

XLIII. Hermione does not love Ron, he's just the only male aside from Harry who ever talks to her. Luna does not love Ron, she just enjoys messing with his head. No one will ever love Ron; even his mother is only mildly concerned with his wellbeing, and she prefers Harry anyway (He always gets a cooler sweater).

XLIV. An angry Harry should not be soothed after one absent-minded note from any of his acquaintances, friends, dead family members or enemies. If Harry is angry, he should stay angry until some form of retaliation or violence has occurred (Ginny-Beating is preferable). Want Canon-proof? Look at Dumbledore’s office. Heck, look at Dumbledore. That's Harry's fault isn't it? Well, it will be in those Angst stories anyway. And those are all that matters. Right?

XLV. Hermione shall inherit no libraries from anybody, ever. Not because it’s cliché or dumb. It is cliché and dumb. I just like being mean. And maybe I wanted a library when my friend’s godfather died.​

​

 

I've got one to add.

Naked Female Veela Always Make It Better Too.

 

I would like to retract my earlier statement and agree with Surarrin.

 

Parseltongue

- Parseltongue is a oral language. How many snakes do you know that can manipulate writing implements in sufficient manner to produce recognizable symbols? Moving pictures on parchment/in books/on walls etc. do not a language make.

 

The chamber of secrets was a cage for Sal's pet, it is not the greatest library/potions lab/private apartment in existance. Even if it were, a thousand years worth of silverfish, rats, moths, mold, mildew, and wood rot would have erased all traces of such things. Oh, and it's full of snake shit.

 

Rule XIII should be changed to something along the lines of "the offensive/defensive capabilities of a material are what matters, not how cool it looks hanging up next to a Linkin Park T-Shirt"

• Any shopping involving clothing that is not strictly necessary for battle will be condensed into one line. Tonks, Hermione, and Ginny won't take Harry on a 5 day shopping trip across the world where he buys a bunch of clothes that make him omgsohawt!!!
• Getting a piercing, tattoos, and wearing all black doesn't make you a rebel. It makes you a drone.
• Harry was born in 1980, HBP ended in 1997. He doesn't have an Ipod, a magical laptop, or listen to Linkin Park.
• An addendum to LR's "The Potters do not have a trend of marrying redheads. They do not need them to 'temper' them.": If all the Potter males always married redheads then they'd be redheads, and wouldn't have pitch black hair
• Ginny doesn't love Harry because they are soulmates and she knows everything about him. She only wants him because he's the rich and famous Harry Potter and she's sick of being dirty and poor.
• Any story over a certain wordcount can't be considered a oneshot. Not sure what the limit should be, but oneshots with a 50,000 wordcount shouldn't exist.

 

Since we seem to be using this thread to make rules about cliche's that we don't want to see, this reminded me of soemthing.

Veela - there are no canon male Veela. The Malfoys are certainly not the exception. I repeat, Draco and Lucius Malfoy are NOT male Veela. As an extension, Harry Potter is not Draco's Veela Mate, and they will NOT be forced to get together. Harry Potter will never be getting together like that with Draco Malfoy because Draco's an incompetant, arrogant little prick. and it would technically be slash. As a sidenote, Draco will not be declaring Hermione or Ginny as his Veela-mate that he can't live without. If he tried, Hermione and Harry would be perfectly content to watch his arrogant, predjudiced little self die. Ginny might marry him because - jerk or not - he does have money, and the Weasley's are purebloods (depending on how she's being written in this story).

There aren't any canon mentions of male veela's. So, does that mean 1) Veela mate with humans, with the male offspring being human and the fmeales being veela? 2) the Veela are hiding their menfolk away somewhere that humans don't/can't go? 3) the menfolk are as plain as the women are attractive, and humans just can't figure out that they're the same species 4) There are no Veela-males, veela reproduce asexually (where's the fun in that?) or after naughty lesbian mating rituals with lots of magic.

 

Anyone want to write that?

Anyone?

:::

Number ?: Should Harry ever encounter Bellatrix Lestrange claiming that she's really actually good and that she wants to meet him via a portkey to his house, he must do the sensible thing and throw the letter, including the portkey away. No one is that stupid.

Number ? + 1: Death Eaters, while not on the class of Dark Lords and wizened headmasters, are not totally incompetent. It is entirely possible that their years of experience in the art of Dark Magic make them formidable oppenents that cannot be taken down by some upstart brat who has been running for a couple of weeks.

Subrule to + 1: Similarly, Aurors, with years of magical training in an intense school that lets out only one auror every year, are exceptionally powerful. While not Dark Lord or wizened Headmasters, they are able to defeat simple spells and make a fool out of inexperienced teenagers.

 

No Draco/Anyone not in Slytherin. I've said it in other threads/forums and I'll say it here:

Draco's family are like KKK members. Halfbloods and Muggles are African Americans. The word "Mudblood" is the equivalent of "Nigger". If a young member of the KKK called you a "nigger" and then decided years later that he didn't really hate black people, would you suddenly fall in love with him?

 

You skipped mine. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Oh well. Nice sig, Amerison. And nice avatar, BioPlague. By the way, who's slitsherwrists666? I've searched fanfiction.net and this site, but he's nowhere.

 

Great job. Like to add one more.

- Bellitrix Lestrade is an evil, powerful witch, who fanatically believes in Voldemort. She is not under Imperious or Imperious like potion (is there such a think?). Nor is she a really nice person underneath it all. She is and will always be an sadistic bitch.

 

Death eaters and aurors must not be incompetent, (but ron hermione and ginny must be) it's pointless to have voldie and harry to powerful so that when either shows up the battle is over because then it's just Harry verse Voldie and everyone else just runs around and cries, Harry must not win by the power of love (not sure if those were their already)

 

I think he was talking about XXXbloodyrists666XXX (that's right, she spelled "wrists" wrong in her own Pen Name), also known as Tara, author of the famous My Immortal, a pile of crap with 3000+ flames. If you want more information, go the the "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v3.0, there are 10 posts just for this fic.

Read at your own risk.

 

Assuming those spells aren't as easy to cast as a stupefy then the aurors could apparate away and not get hit but the death eaters would because they wouldn't leave if voldie was still there. Or just build up powerful shields, because instant mass destruction spells make combat, well there would be no combat, AK is an unforgivable if there were mass destruction spells they would be too.

 

Perhaps the "mass destruction" spells invariably kill their caster as well, making them unforgivable would be pointless. Imagine a spell that not only consumes your magic completely but your body as well. A spell that used einstein's e=mc^2 to totally convert your body into explosive energy. Suddenly your 80 kilo wizard becomes a nuke. Can you punish him after he is dead? Is anyone crazy enough to use it? A dark lord wouldn't use it, he wouldn't be around to rule. A hero wouldn't use it, too much collateral damage.

Such spells may exist, but I doubt they've been used more than a very few times in history. Unless the heroes convinced the Dark Lords to duel in a remote place. Oooo... Maybe some of those south pacific "bomb" tests were dark lords getting eliminated. Puts a new spin on Krakatoa. Eastern Cultures are a bit more understanding about dieing for the cause.

 

If you have a first person story don't ever use omnipresence as a way to get insight to other characters.

Dumbledore is always evil in any Independent Fic. No ifs ands or buts

Harry is not Voldemort's son, brother or "lover" ......EVER!

 

Dumbledore is not evil in any independant fic. Sure he has to be manipulative or truly believe he's doing it for the greater good, but he does not have to be in any way, shape or form. By the way nice idea on the mass destruction spells Caitiff. Or maybe you cast it on someone else and depending on how strong magically they are it makes a bigger explosion, like it causes all the victims magic to backlash.