I pm'ed the author with a couple of questions, one of them about the Aussie. He says that he's not actually an OC since Vaisey is in HBP, but he might as well be. Also said he was just there to make the Vegemite joke, and he won't be involved in the story much.

His profile says he's a yank by the way.

 

I'm not sure Gillard was trying to sound folksy, I think she was just a bogan.

 

I was thinking about Abbott actually.

 

I didn't actually mind the OC, a minor blot on an otherwise good new story.

 

You sold me on trying it out, sir.

 

Don't get excited yet, the story starts in year 1.

 

What?! Are you saying there isn't any hot preteen action in this fic? Well I'm sorry but then this fic just isn't for me.

 

Well I won't rule it out yet, it looks like he's going to be besties with Cho and Cedric.

 

I thought it was a decent start to a story, in the upper quartile of fanfiction. It's too early to rate but I could see it becoming Library-worthy if the author exercises some care.

I do like that he had the good judgment to leave out Harry's home life, alluding back to it when necessary and not belaboring the issue.

 

I already sacrificed ale and goat to Odin that this one will turn out decent...

Also this for the Aussie part of the conversation!

 

Author here. I'm aware of the problem, as a bunch of reviews pointed it out as well. I've been flying solo writing this, and I don't know much about the Harry Potter community, so I admit I don't have a perfect handle on the various cliches and tripwires that are part of the fabric.

On Vaisey: He's from canon, though all we know about him is that he's a Slytherin Chaser in Cho's year. The Aussie thing was honestly just a way to make jokes about Vegemite; I was unaware that "foreign OC rips on canon" was a red flag. Rest assured that Vaisey is a very minor character and he certainly won't be popping up every thousand words to bash canon.

Those worried about the "starting in first year" thing, I intend to move pretty quickly. This won't be a canon rehash where every year takes 50K words and there's a separate mystery/conflict each time. The motivation to write this is a detailed, slow-building, messy yet hopefully fulfilling Harry/Fleur relationship. So, moving things along to where that can happen is the plan. That being said, I also want to explore how Harry being best friends with Cedric and Cho would change and shape his life at Hogwarts. So it'll be a balance. Without rushing things, I'll try to cover only the most essential details while moving the plot along until ~5th year.

I definitely, truly appreciate the comments. I'm confident in my writing skills, and I'm confident in my knowledge of the Harry Potter books, but I'll be the first to admit that I'm very new to the HP fanfic game. It's entirely possible I'm steering towards some horrible, wince-inducing cliche that I have no idea is a cliche, and I hope you guys can help steer me in the right direction.

 

Welcome to DLP, Newcomb.

If you're not already aware, posting your updates in the Work By Authors section of the site, visible only to members, will give you constructive feedback. A lot of writers here (myself included) have found this to be very useful.

 

Welcome! Glad you're here. The "Work By Author" section is a great way to get feedback from some incredible authors. I haven't read your fic yet so I've got nothing to add.

I clicked on "Soul Within" but honestly the only reason I made it through the first 3 chapters is because it was rec'd here and had a pretty lengthy review, other than that I could barely bring myself to read it. The POV change in the first chapter came out of nowhere and I felt it really disrupted the chapter. Then Harry goes and sneaks out of the castle for the first time after blackmailing some older Slytherin and I couldn't suspend disbelief anymore and skimmed until I saw Harry had returned to Hogwarts only to be caught by Wayne.

Gotta give the author some credit for making a conscious effort to put an original twist on things, but it's just not working, IMO.

 

Huh. It's probably a relative experience level thing, but I can't say I've ever been bothered enough by a single element of a story to put it down - maybe as someone who's pretty new to the whole HP fanfic world, I'm still finding out what I like and don't like, and perhaps when you've been around the block, you can tell based off small details fairly quickly?

When I wrote Vaisey (and, again, he's not an OC, he's an actual canon character) that way, it wasn't with the expectation that he'd be liked - I mean, he enters the story with Zacharias Smith and Cormac McLaggen, which is a hint that he's not going to win any friendship awards. Still, I didn't mean for him to be utterly repulsive and annoying, which means I've got some work to do.

And his whole reason for existence wasn't to make a joke, his reason for being Australian was to make a joke. It truly seemed like a throwaway gag when I wrote it.

Regarding Harry being erratic: Yeah, that's intentional and related to his memory problems. It is a little jarring, though, you're right. I can probably make it more obvious when he's having an "out of character moment" if he reacts internally to it more noticeably; I just don't like to bog down the story with a lot of interior monologue.

Anyway, your comments are very much appreciated. I've had a lot of fun with this project so far, and it'll only keep being fun if I feel like I'm getting better, and critiques like this are a big help.

 

I really agree with Sesc here. I lost interest in the chapter once Vaisey came in and started talking about Voldemort and Potter. I dislike when authors start using characters to disagree with canon. Just go ahead and change canon, characters don't need to discuss the changes in the story.

That said, I think the story could be pretty good. The first chapter was great, and I thought the conclusion of the second, with the hidden memories, was good.

 

Most likely - for example I read nearly all good and completed stories. Now 99% of stories that I try reading is simply really bad, so quickly discarding stories (even at cost ignoring some good ones) is necessary to even consider still reading fanfiction.

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First chapter is really promising, second was also quite good. This OC was a red flag, but not bad enough to drop story.

 

Any comments on The Gunman?