What spare bodies?

 

Spare bodies are still spare bodies-blanks. If you made it a simple matter to download himself into a new body, then one, why isn't everybody doing it, and two, it loses a deal of its 'HPness'.

And if you do make it a simple matter and have everyone do it (just reread the original prompt), Riddle didn't become violent because it was the only way to immortality, he became violent because he was a megalomaniac dick.

 

Everyone goes away for the summer after third year; when they come back it turns out that Hagrid has been extremely busy with experimental breeding over the break. It might even be said that he got dangerously carried away. The Forbidden Forest is overrun... by dinosaurs.

 

Jurassic Park / Harry Potter crossover? Be still my heart.

 

That concept deserves a highlight reel, for sure.

- - o - -

JURASSIC POTTER.

- - o - -

A girlish scream pierced the air. Harry looked at Ron, not screaming, and then Hermione, whose scream was far more manly than that for reasons he'd not deciphered but was curious enough to make Ron check. The screams petered out and a metallic tang filled their nostrils. The forest was alive with the spilled blood, pumping and thumping like a tree-filled heart. And the vines were veins and those bushes were the lungs, maybe? Harry did not possess the proper biology education to make such deductions, but he did have something else: a saving people complex.

That complex spurned him to dash through the trees, Ron and Hermione hot on his trail. There was a person to save from certain death, and maybe even a girl person. Harry was especially hoping that it was Susan Bones, who had sprouted some truly epic tits over the last few months and not doing everything in his power to prevent the death of such potential just wasn't cricket.

The trail led them to a seemingly empty clearing, but the crunch of leaves under invisible raptor foot soon dispelled that notion. The trio hid behind a particularly thick-trunked tree that was probably the kind to be sensitive to being called thick-trunked, and watched in morbid fascination.

Blood covered and made visible the raptor's snout as it was dragging the mangled corpse out into the clearing to be devouring. A sigh of relief left the group when they noticed who it was. After the first one to die had been Dean Thomas, screaming all the while that of course he'd been the first to go, the trio didn't want to face another friend's death. Lucky them.

"Clever girl," Harry murmured as the raptor started munching on Draco Malfoy's intestines. Without another word, he turned to Ron and Hermione and signalled them to head back the way they came. After all, Susan and her tits were still out there, and they wouldn't save themselves.

- - -

Minerva McGonagall had faced a lot of adversity in her twenty years as Deputy Headmistress, and being that her Headmaster was a chaotic sweets addict that was more beard and nitwit, oddment, blubber and tweak than administrator and caretaker for a school of hundreds of impressionably magical children, it said a lot about this latest incident that it was what broke the camel's back. Then the camel was eaten by invisible raptors.

"This is beyond reprehensible!" McGonagall snapped at him. "We cannot just engineer a scenario wherein our students are eaten. It is not the 1980s and we do not have Russian exchange students that need to be sacrificed in order to stop the Russian Ministry from annexing another disco club."

When Dumbledore didn't respond, McGonagall stopped pacing the trail in the carpet so deep the Mariana Trench would soon become jealous of it. She glared at her Headmaster, sitting at his desk without a care in the world.

It was time to play dirty. "It strikes me as odd, Albus, that you would throw away your investment in Harry Potter. I don't need to read your daily diary entires to know he is important in some way to you and your vague notions of You-Know-Who coming back from the dead."

That got Albus to at least peer up at her through his half-moon spectacles. He steepled his fingers together, his eyes twinkling like Christmas lights still left up in July without any irony. "Minerva please, I am not some manipulative fiend who would leave Harry Potter to his death so carelessly. However, I do believe that he will face challenges in his future far more dangerous than a pack of invisible velociraptors -"

"- and a fire-breathing T-Rex," McGonagall interjected.

"- and that as well, yes. But Mr Potter shall prevail. Miss Granger too. Mr Weasley could go either way, but his family has plenty of spares. Mr Longbottom is the real wild card here. I want to be pleasantly surprised by his performance."

McGonagall didn't know what to say to that. To her, it just wasn't cricket. Or its magical equivalent: cricket. She just stood stock still, glaring at the Headmaster. The paperwork ahead of her was going to be immense.

"Have faith in one thing, above all else." Albus leaned back in his chair as a roguish grin quirked his lips. "Life, uh, finds a way."

The Deputy Headmistress's glare became as unyielding as a statue's then, but much unlike a statue she turned on the spot and walked away, inventing curse words to fully illustrate her frustration as she did.

"Maybe we should've had a Triwizard Tournament instead," Albus murmured to himself.

- - -

Night had fallen in the forest when the trio started to cautiously unwind. Dinner was slightly burnt raptor steak, courtesy of a feisty raptor that put up a hell of fight when Ron accidentally kicked it while it was napping. It hadn't surprised Harry much that they were able to sneak by the raptor eating Malfoy much easier than any other; it would take the worst raptor ever to kill the worst human ever, that's for sure.

"It all makes so much sense, doesn't it," said Ron, eyes alight in reflecting the cackling fire at his feet. "Merlin creates dinosaurs. Merlin destroys dinosaurs. Merlin creates wizards. Wizards destroy Merlin. Wizards create dinosaurs."

"Well first of all, a drunk half-Giant created these dinosaurs," Harry pointed out. "And secondly, wasn't Merlin just a student in Hogwarts centuries back? Slytherin, right?"

Ron waved a dismissive hand. "That's just part of the smear campaign. Like I said, wizards destroy Merlin."

"That's… Hermione back me up here."

Harry and Ron both turned to their much smarter friend, who swallowed her meat carefully. "Dinosaurs eat wizards. Witches inherit the earth," she said sagely, a scary look in her eye.

- - - -

"Hold on to your butts," Harry whispered to Ron and Hermione, before leaving them hiding behind a fallen log. As quietly and as quickly as he could, ignoring the frantic beating of his heart, Harry approached the sleeping raptor in the clearing. It had been spotted thanks to a load of tree sap drenched over its head and back like the aftermath of a brown sticky bukkake incident, and Harry hoped that meant it was one of the less intelligent stock. Or one that just enjoyed a good time.

Either way, it was time to try an alternative method of dealing with these things.

"Hello," Harry said within hearing distance but not eating distance. "Hey you. You awake?"

If the raptor had understood and spoke the Parseltongue Harry was speaking at that moment, it would've probably said something like, "Well I am now you asshole." But it did not, so it did not.

See, the theory was Hermione's, because she believed that Hagrid must've used snake deeennayy - whatever that was - to help create the dinosaurs. Ron had called her theory baseless and her hair stupid, but Hermione was immune to hearing that after four on and off years of friendship. Harry, meanwhile, had chosen to believe Hermione if only because Susan had taught him that great breasts could appear at anytime, and Hermione was a girl, after all. He thinks so, anyway.

The theory was falling apart in front of Harry's eyes, but he tried one more time with a spirited, "Oi! Can you understand me or not?"

A sap-covered eyelid blinked open. Turns out Hermione's theory was baseless, just as her hair was stupid.

Half an hour later the trio had retreated to their base camp to figuratively lick their wounds and literally heal their wounds. The rudely-awoken raptor had been left impaled on a tree branch like a bizarre ornament some ways a way, and would be appropriately divvied up for dinner later on. But for now they had to deal with their medical emergency, as Hermione made makeshift bandages out of her robes while Ron moaned in agony.

"I did say hold on to your butts," Harry chastised him, gazing at the fleshy hole where his left buttock used to be. Eager as Harry was to divert attention away from the failure of the recent plan, he also added, "You silly bitch."

Nailed it, he thought.

- - - -

"So let me get this straight," Susan Bones started, crossing her arms over her chest. It was a new enough development that she had trouble doing so in one smooth movement, and Harry watched appreciatively. "So in the end you found Professor Moody and Peter Pettigrew - who died, didn't he? - trying to bring back You-Know-Who from the dead and put him in a raptor body. And you beat him, revealed Moody as an impostor, and Pettigrew got away to try again another day."

"Sounds about right," Harry said, scratching his injured arm. Volderaptor's bite would leave a scar for his collection, but he was eager to show it off on the off chance Susan was a scar fetishist.

"But… I mean, it's You-Know-Who. And you want me to believe you beat him that easily?"

"Well, we had a lot of practice with fighting the other raptors. And he really couldn't wave a wand in that form." Harry mimed the action of particularly small arms at chest level trying and failing to swish and flick. "It was kind of funny, actually."

"Uh huh."

Harry could practically drown in the skepticism coming off of her in waves. "Okay, which part doesn't make sense?"

"Moody was a Death Eater in disguise."

"Yeah, plot twist or what."

"A Death Eater that's also supposed to be dead but actually isn't."

"They do that a lot."

"And they needed your blood to put You-Know-Who into the raptor body."

"Yeah and they found some I lost after fighting off those three raptors barehanded." He couldn't help but grin enticingly. "Did I tell you about those three raptors? Might've even been four."

"So why didn't Moody just steal your blood earlier in the year?" Susan wondered. "He had, like, a lot of opportunities."

Harry had to pause at that. "Well… he didn't know about the raptors 'til last month when Hagrid had to explain where Sally-Anne Perks had ended up."

"Why bother putting You-Know-Who in a raptor body, then?"

"Dark Lords, am I right?" Harry said with a shrug.

If Susan hadn't already crossed her arms, she would've done so at that point. She silently regarded him for an awkwardly heavy moment before saying, "Why are you telling me all this?"

"Dumbledore said it's possible Peter'll try to do this again. Maybe not a raptor next time, if he's smart. A Lord Voldemort that can't even open doors might not be a worthy opponent. Sooooo… maybe I'm warning you."

"Uh huh."

"And maybe the pain potion Pomfrey gave me for my arm is affecting me."

"Yep. There it is."

"And also that other potion she gave me to stop me laughing at the fact Ron's other buttock was eaten by the Raptormort."

Susan didn't even giggle at that. "So you don't remember you started this conversation by thanking Merlin that my breasts survived the entire incident?"

Harry did vaguely remember something like that, come to think about it. Whoops. "Honesty's a good policy to have," he pointed out.

It didn't work. Susan half-turned as if to leave, but before she went, she sighed. "Harry, you're a nice guy. But I just don't believe your story. It sounds a bit contrived, honestly, and I find it suspicious that you made a point to come tell me it only after Neville Longbottom came out of the forest riding the fire-breathing T-Rex with another five raptors he tamed trailing behind him."

"Poser," Harry murmured spitefully.

She sighed again, the final sigh of a weary soul. "I'm just going to… go. Go find Neville. I'll see you, Harry."

At Susan's retreating back, Harry could only say, "It's chaos theory, isn't it? Moody's a Death Eater, Voldemort coming back, Ron almost dying. And nobody could've predicted you suddenly walking away. Another example." She was far out of earshot by now, her steps quickening in an attempt to get away from him. Women. "See, here I'm now sitting by myself, uh, talking to myself. That's, that's, chaos theory."

With a tired sigh of his own, tired not with grief over lost friends in the forest or even with teenager-y frustration of being shot down by the bustiest girl in their year, Harry ventured over to where he could see the Forbidden Forest out the window. He would soon go join Hermione and Ron in the Hospital Wing and try not to laugh at Ron's injuries again, but first he had to just look and behold the mess he left behind. A song filled his heart, a gentle hum of a familiar tune that promised adventure and majesty before turning into a dinosaur buffet calamity. Dumbledore said that the Forest was empty of raptors now, but somehow, just somehow, Harry knew otherwise.

"There's going to be sequels," Harry muttered, realising that's where his tiredness was coming from. "And they're going to suck, aren't they."

- - o - -

I just know Dumbledore dreams of Jeff Goldblum's chest, same as me. Mmmmmm. Delicious.

 

Take ALL of the thumbs up for that, please.

Highlights for me:

10/10, high five, gold star, etc.

 

Yes! This should be an extended one shot. The battle between Harry and Raptormort must be seen.

EDIT: Oddly enough, I was asked to do a "t-rex animagus" Harry for Secret Santa, and now I feel like I'd just be riding your success.

 

Fire-breathing dino? Will that fic contain Godzilla elements?

 

Ghosts are pale imitations of the resurrection stones power made by a wizard who lost it/got it stole from him- not sure where this would go

 

HP fic inspired by Batman. A masked wizard vigilante with a secret identity fights dark wizards, sometimes only just toeing the line of morality to get the job done, but never breaking his code. Said wizard has no special powers, he is simply highly skilled and has resources.

By night, the caped crusader. By day, playwizard worth millions of galleons.

That's right: we're talking Sirius Black centric.

And why? Well, mostly for this gag:

 

Gimme an hour or so. Watch this space. Blackman Begins, The Black Knight, and The Black Knight Rises incoming.

 

Blackman v Severman: Dawn of Justice?

 

Those had me howling. Sister is watching GoT, she came in and screamed at me to stop laughing because she could hear me through the wall and over the dialogue. Wearing headphones. Bless you, Matt.

 

Sequel for another time. Maybe not Severman. He's got a use in this trilogy.

But for now, an update: I will be taking more hours. It's growing rather larger. Trilogy of crack and all. But it'll be well worth it. Here, have a rough excerpt from one scene to tide you all over:

(It'll probably get its own thread. 'Cause whatever.)

 

You know, I could get used to this.

 

Bloody hilarious. Please give us more of this!

 

There are some stories when one of the Triwizard champions is killed during the Third or Second Task. How about the story that startw with Cedric Diggory, 'The True Hogwarts Champion', dying in the FIRST Task because he wasn't warned about the Dragons (while Harry Potter, just like in canon, finished the task with the fastest time).
Could Cedric's demise change the story sompletely? I had several scenarios, including Gryffindor/Hufflepuff Cold war, with the rest of the students forced to choose sides, and the Hogwarts staff trying without success to contain the unrest.

 

I'm not sure how Cedric dying would make people view Harry worse. The performances are not connected. If anything, they'd latch on to Harry as Hogwarts' remaining hope in the competition, encouraging him to do well "For Cedric".

 

The students are so fickle and easily influence,d a bit of rumormongering and they'll easily blame the "cheater" for killing Cedric.

 

My point exactly. They already believed that Harry is a 'Heir of Slytherin' without an ounce of a proof in CoS, and branded him as a cheater in GoF. And with Rita Skeeter pouring oil on the fire things could turn very messy.