Title:We Are Not Evil
Author: kylev
Rating: K
DLP Category: General
Pairing: None
Status: Complete, Oneshot
Summary: Harry is sorted into Slytherin. Harry thinks his worst nightmare has come through but Daphne Greengrass makes him realise how wrong his views of Slytherins are. One shot.
Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11293889/1/We-Are-Not-Evil

My first try at fan fiction. What do you think?


Alexx apparently deleted this story.

 

Ok, so on reflection I managed to discover the positive that at only 783 words, it didn't take long to reach a conclusion. And it's your first piece, which shows. I'm hoping the reason you posted this in review board is for help with writing rather than to submit it for the library - in any case, WbA is the place for the former.

On to the fic itself:

- So the hat decides to ignore his wishes and place him in Slytherin for banter which I can honestly imagine working well in a crackfic.

Dunno why the 'no' is there. If that's Harry's thought then there's better ways of writing it.

C in Cunning shouldn't be a capital. Also refer to the post in ff discussion about writing dialogue.

So Harry says something, and at the end of his sentence whips out a colt .44 and takes a shot at her. 'to' has a 't' in it.

*twitch*

Then Daphne proceeds to slag off Hagrid (the super friendly giant who saved Harry from the Dursleys, introduced him to the wizarding world and bought him Hedwig)...and Harry has an epiphany, suddenly agreeing with her. "Thanks Greengreass." He then makes friends with all the Slytherins and loves his new house.

Your fic suffers from spelling mistakes, poor grammar and punctuation and the dialogue has a ways to go. It's very short, and the plot doesn't even really make sense. I was almost hoping the ending would be Harry waking up in his bed in the Gryffindor common room after experiencing that nightmare. You're not new to DLP judging by your account, which makes me conclude you posted this here for banter. Either way, -73/5.

 

Tracey is Harry's wife? When did that happen? Isn't that too early to be married?

TMD said it all. Bad grammar. Some spelling mistakes. Also, dialogues felt forced and 'unnatural', so to speak. 1/5, but if author wants to get better, just keep writing. I am sure that it will be better next time.

 

I think you should spend more time in WBA before you consider putting another story up for Review. This was not close to DLP Library caliber and it's lacking several basic things that your peers would have clued you in on more gently than you'll get here (little things like commas, organic dialogue, characterization, and the importance of actually having a point to one's story.)

As for a rating, this is pretty much the definition of a 1/5 fic.

 

Eager to see if Alexx had posted any more of his wonderful work on his ff.net account, I did a quick search. To my dismay, it appears that he has deleted all of his stories, and robbed the world of his unique talents.

 

As the story doesn't exist any longer I close the thread and move it to the trash bin.