Three cowboys are camped out under the starlight in the old west.



While waiting for their dinner pot of beans to heat up, the first cowboy, a young upstart still looking to make a name for himself, decides to test his mettle against the others. He says, "Why, I bet I'm the manliest of the three of us, and I've a tale to prove it! Just last week while walking my new mustang through the bush a rattlesnake snapped out and took me in the ankle! I kicked it off, squatted down, and sucked that venom right out in two hard pulls, and here I am today none the worse for it!"


The second cowboy, a few years older and wiser, decides to play along. "Oh, that's nothing," he says. "Do you remember that wild bull that had been ravaging all the wild stock between here and New Mexico? Big as a grizzly, horns as long as your leg there, and meaner than old Wyatt Earp himself on a good day! Well, I went out there and wrangled it up with the finest lassoing I've ever made, brought it down and knotted it up good. M' folks back home have been feasting fine on jerky ever since!"


The third cowboy, the oldest of the three with gray in his beard, simply kept his silence, stirring the coals with his penis.

 

An Asian dude walks into a bar. “Pour me a jigger, nigger,” he says to the black bartender.

“Come on, man,” the bartender responds, “that’s not cool.”

The Asian ain’t havin’ it. “Oh, fuck off,” he says indignantly, motioning for his drink.

The bartender continues, “No, seriously, how would you like it if you worked here and people spoke to you like that?”

The Asian laughs and says, “I wouldn’t give a shit.”

The bartender is getting angry now. “Oh, yeah?” he says. “Why don’t you put on this apron and try it?”

The Asian says, “I’d love to,” and happily marches behind the bar where he dons the apron as the bartender heads outside to return as a patron.

Immediately after, the black bartender struts into the bar exactly as his friend just did and cheerily calls out, “Pour me a drink, Chink!”

The Asian bartender has his head down as he scrubs the counter with a bar towel.

“Ahem,” the black bartender says, raising his voice, “I said, pour me a drink, Chink!”

The Asian appears surprised as he looks up. “Oh, sorry. We don’t serve niggers in here.”

 

omg soooooo edgy

 

My current favourite:

What breed of dog would a magician have?

Spoiler

A Labracadabrador

 

Q: What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?
A: Usain Bolt can finish a race.

 

A racist walks into a bar and looks around. Theres a black guy sitting in the corner but everyone else is caucasian. He walks to the bartender and says loudly, "Everyone! Drinks are on me, except for that nigger!"

Everyone's exited and thanks him while the bartender serves drinks. The black guy gives him thumbs up though.

"What's up with him?" the racist asks the bartender.

"He's the owner."

 

You guys are fucking amateurs.

How do you get a Jewish girl's number?

You check her arm tattoo.

 

The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please, rotate your phone by 90 degrees and try again.

 

Not a joke per se, but a true story:

The moment I learnt about the Boston Marathon bombings, I thought to myself,

The 2016 Paralympics is going to see a record number of participants.

And this is the reason why I am the reigning world champion at Cards Against Humanity.

 

How do you pick up a Jewish girl?

With a dustpan.

 

What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?

Spoiler

Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.

 

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Andy, the class crawler, gets up and says,

"Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Andy" says the teacher, "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says," My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Johnny jumps up and says, "Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a two-inch brush and me Dad says it will take the contagious."

 

You cunts think you're edgy?

What's red and sits in a corner?

Spoiler

A naughty strawberry

 

What do you call a flying Jew?
Smoke.

How many Jews can you fit in a car?
Two in the front, three in the back, and 20 in the ashtray.

Why did Hitler kill himself?
The Jews sent him his gas bill.

Spoiler

How do you make a little girl cry twice?
Wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear.

How do Ethiopians celebrate their child's first birthday?
They put flowers on their grave.




I'm really a nice, well adjusted guy, honest.

 

Jesus fuck, I didn't know this thread existed.

Three guys are stuck on an island, they find a magic lamp with a genie who says he will give each one of them a wish. First guy says
"I wish to go home"
second guy says
" I ask for the same wish"
Last guy looks around and says
"I want my friends back"

 

- I was raping a woman the other night and she said "Please, think of my children!" Kinky bitch.

- Who is going to complain about rape jokes? Rape victims? They barely report rape!

- My wife was gang raped by a troupe of mime artists. They performed unspeakable acts on her.

- 5 out of 6 people enjoy gang rape

- I called the rape advice line earlier, unfortunately it's only for victims.

- Who here wants to play the rape game? No? That's the spirit!

 

That singular fixation might have you on a list somewhere, now.

 

Not entirely sure what to make of this one.

 

A chinaman and a jew are drinking at a bar when the jew gets nasty.

"You motherfuckers ought to be ashamed of yourselves for Pearl Harbor. Sneaky little shits, bombing all of those innocent sailors, fuck you."

The chink replied, "Hey! Wait a minute, that wasn't us! I'm Chinese. Pearl Harbor was done by Japanese."

The jew said, "Ahh, Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?"

So the chink says, "Well, what about your people? Sinking the Titanic and killing all those helpless women and children, I should fuck you up right here."

The kike exclaimed, "What the hell are you yapping about? Jews didn't sink the Titanic, it hit an iceberg, you jackass!"

The chink said, "Ahh, iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

 

On one particularly average evening of no consequence, a Chinese gentleman is drinking in a bar when he notices the head of lettuce sitting on the bar beside his drink. Somehow slighted, he finds himself getting particularly disagreeable and ornery.

"Hey! Wait a minute, that wasn't us!" he cries out. "I'm Chinese. Pearl Harbour was bombed by the Japanese."

The lettuce says nothing. It is a lettuce, and is not capable of speech.

So the Chinese gentleman says, "Well, what about you people? Sinking the Titanic and killing all those helpless women and children, I should fuck you up right here!"

Again, the lettuce remains silent. Perhaps it is embarrassed for the Chinese gentleman's particularly loud voice or the insulting language being thrown around; a bar may not be a family establishment, but it's only five thirty p.m. and it seems rude to yell before seven, especially if there's no televised sporting events playing.

The Chinese gentleman finishes his drink. "Ahh, iceberg, iceberg, what's the difference?"

By now, the patrons of the bar are growing concerned. Bernie, the owner of this fine establishment since the late eighties but who brought with him sixties sensibilities, shares a look with Bernice, his college-aged daughter who is visiting for once, and was in fact the one to bring the offending lettuce with her, to passive agressively demonstrate its existence in the vain hope her father will acknowledge the possibility of going on a diet before his family history of heart disease catches up and kills him, as she cannot go through losing another parent, even five years on from losing her mother to lung cancer in what could be considered a defining moment of inception for her crippling anxiety and depression issues that will forever haunt her without the proper medication and life partner to aid her in her journey. The inebriated Chinese gentleman's reaction to the poor lettuce shocks Bernice to the point of vowing never to bring a vegetable to her father again, and, as such, he never goes on that diet.

Bernie dies a month later, choking on a cheesed steak of Philadelphia origin - if the name is to be believed - and the Chinese gentleman's severe drinking problem causes him to lose his job, drive away his family, and crash his prized Honda Civic as he drives to check himself into rehabilitation services and turn his life around. He does turn his life around, in such the way that he in fact dies of his wounds, after being pinned against his steering wheel for a highly painful ten minutes as he bled internally, and then the more pleasant final two minutes, as all of his senses went numb, yet while he still bled internally. Bernice, meanwhile, does in fact get her medications and begins combatting her life's problems, to the point of swallowing the entire bottle's contents and being found four days later by her landlady, who had come to investigate that putrid smell lingering in apartment 3C.

The lettuce does not mourn for any of them. It cannot. It is a lettuce.