So... EDI is under the command of Admiral Ahern.

I cannot, with words, properly express how much this pleases me. I was going to make a post about how I'm a fan of canon EDI with Cerberus ideals being present in her programming, and how that can introduce some nice conflict, but fuck it. The premiseverse's version of the SA is at least as bad as canon Cerberus anyway.

Plus a delicious Horizon spoiler... at this point I expect that the fuckin Collectors will anticipate the illiusive man finding about about it and glassing the entire fuckin solar system.

Also, the Reapers are aware that the Catalyst is awakened in this cycle... I'm interested in one the Old Ones are to reapers. Can't be Leviathans?

As a last, my hype for the Collectors has reached a zenith. The disappoint will be strong if they don't end up harvesting dozens of worlds in retaliation to Shepard's insult and the godpowers usage. Plus it's easy to see a gained advantage when, if, Shepard destroys them W.R.T. technology. Also, this talk about defenses around the alpha relay. Don't know what to think, enjoy it a lot. What in the purple fuck are the batarians messing around with? The Broker is also made significant here, by the reapers, and I'm left wondering. Unless The Broker is just another reaper and not related to the yahg, at this point.

Corruptions and perversions and tiers; sculptor galaxies and prime citadel galaxies... at least the Harbinger continues the assumption of incompetence.

Three-quarter chub already.

Also, faded Tali supplying the turian-quarian porno. Aight lol

 

So, EDI became GLaDOS' perverted, non homicidal daughter? I can run with that, although I do hope she is up for some experiments with deadly neurotoxin some way along the line. For science, of course.

Not sure how to feel about the Native American soul doctor, it seemed a bit like the Native American version of the black-face, having him be concerned about the wholeness of the soul and like, then again, what do I know? Especially since they don't really seem to be a thing in the ME universe. Like, Star Wars probably has souls, ME most likely doesn't, otherwise the whole bringing Shepard back to life wouldn't have worked, if they had to recover the soul as well.

Although, I guess it would be a fun one-shot, that a Cerberus strike team would have to storm Hades/Hell to get Shepard's soul back.

Ahern is such a joy to experience, whenever he shows up.

Windsor is still in the game, huh. Have to say, don't really get why the whole having a daughter out of wedlock thing is still that big of a deal when you have aliens running around, you would think some traditional views would go the way of the dodo, even among the reinstated noble class. I get that it was just one of several things that caused his fall but it was still a big part, if I understood things correctly. Seems like something that shouldn't be a big deal any more.

That said, I do fear for Susan, ever since Logical Premise's comment, probably going to learn what happened with her, once Shepard meets up with Windsor. Hope she isn't suffering too hard...or she is EDI. Probably not, but if she was injured too much, could have saved her consciousness, maybe. Unlikely, but not exactly impossible. She doesn't show much resemblance to Susan, but then again, we only met her in highly professional circumstances, who knows how she might behave once she doesn't give a fuck any more.

Not sure I am too clear on the Old Ones / High Ones distinction. For a second, I thought the collectors here were working against the Reapers but that doesn't seem to be the case. Old Ones could be the plant things, but really, should reread the chapter once I am less tired.

So yeah, cool update.

 

If I remember my Premiverse lore correctly, then: Old Ones - Leviathans aka Low Ascended

High Ones - Reapers aka Ascended.

Then we had the High Ascended which were the leviathan precursor race - full on godpower fuckery. That's so far in the past they are older than sin. Old Ones are all that's left of the High Ascended but they are but pale imitations.

More to come later when I have time.

I'll just say I wasn't very impressed with the witch doctor medicine man and would have cheerfully punched him. His diagram reminded me of Rukia from Bleach... :/

 

There will be some more details about why this was so bad when Shepard talks to Windsor, but the long and short of it was that Windsor was being basically blackmailed by a woman that he may or may not have been a bit drunk around and may or may not have coerced into sex. His father covered it all up and had the woman pretty brutally killed.

Certain elements wanted Windsor gone, and in the aftermath of Shepard's death and the collapse of the New Coleman Administration they had the tools to make that happen. As to why Huerta got the pick, again, it will made a lot more clear later, but Miranda and her sister were not the only testbed for NOVENSILES technology.

Himuradono pretty much has it on target.

The High Ascended were the original Leviathans, a long time ago. When the Catalyst lost his fucking mind and had the Reaper Idea, and the Reapers took them out, the Reapers started calling themselves the Ascended. (Arrogant cuttlefish, yo)

The "Old Ones" are the Reaper name for the survivors of the Leviathan purge. The Influence is indoctrination. Godpower is the Leviathan/Reaper ability to hax the physical laws of the universe, every use of which makes ... noise, or smells, for lack of better terms. Anything too 'loud' or 'smelly' basically draws the attention of the Darkness.

Hint: Orz

 

So this bad boy updated a few days ago.

It's good to see Vega and the lunatic DACT back... also, Jacob's dad. Isn't his name Ronald, not Roland, though?

The conversation with the thorian was fascinating. I'm glad Mordin's in the tale now. I also liked the reminder that the Salarians are some scary fucks.

"You will serve, or you will be chipped, mentally adjusted, and then serve anyway"

Also, a new STG Report is up on Lieutenant Bastard Kai Leng and Theo Pellham.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11513705/1/STG-Investigative-Report-The-Odd-Couple

Heh that snippet.

"Leng also utilizes throwing knives, some with explosives in the hilt, others dipped in contact poisons, and two with mass effect slugs of astatine in stasis. (This is not a typo, although certifiably insane. There are no safe handling procedures or instructions for even viewing astatine. If there were, it would just be the word, "NO," scrawled over and over in charred blood.)"

 

So I gave this a shot, seeing as it is wildly popular (as far as ME fanfic is concerned). I didn't read the whole thing, but I didn't stop after one chapter either. Those early introductory chapters suffer from one major disadvantage - nothing happens.

Okay, that's not entirely fair. On the surface, it seems like a lot happens, but no, not really. The first chapter is filler (some suits debating who to make a Spectre) that tries to inform the reader that Shep is really fucked up. She's also a badass soldier. And she's weird. Okay, that's like three things about her already, right? Fine, but the whole scene is dressed in words in such a way that it seems like it drags, even though the chapter isn't very long.

Then some rather boring chapters that attempt to show different characters' POVs, bu the writing isn't strong enough to carry that. Wrex's character voice felt completely off. Liara's... doing some science stuff. And angsting, I think. Saren and Benezia - bland. The Admiral, meh.

All of that stuff is boring. And it's kind of pointless. I also got the feeling of the "wrong" kind of wordiness in places, the kind that instead of enhancing the writing just seems like wordcount padding.

The first seven chapters, let's guess maybe 4k words each - 28k words of boring stuff. Shep's battle chapter stood out from this bunch, because it did something I personally don't like - it's an entire chapter of fighting and not the most interestingly written action. I skimmed through most of it and I guess I lost nothing. Let's see - Shep fucks up some pirates, loses some of her own men, confronts the pirate leader with whom she has personal history. I think I got all the important parts. Also, long paragraphs of exposition in the middle of a battle completely ruin the pacing here.

It's obvious that the author tries to give depth to every aspect of the ME-verse, but not every aspect needs fleshing out. And the setup of the angst to come did not encourage me to read on.

Very negative here, but I understand that this fic is 3 years old by now and I'm guessing if the author hadn't improved over time, DLPrs wouldn't have bothered still reading. 7 chapters out of 123 is a small sample size, so I'll read on for a bit and see how this develops. I'll rate when I have done so.

 

I am not really interested in 'fair' -- I come here for the work to be improved upon. You certainly won't find me defending the earlier chapters -- and that is already after one rewrite, you should have seen them before.

That being said ... while I'm not in any way disliking when people tell me what they find wrong with my work, I really would appreciate equal amounts of time on how exactly to fix it. The Spacebattles people have let me know that indeed it is deriviative, over-angsted lengthy crap with zero value.

But I would argue that my work improved over time based on people saying "Do this instead of that" instead of simply "I don't like that." Some things are out of place due to the high level of AU'ness, and that's not eveyrone's cup of tea.

But if the characters are coming off as flat and empty, how do you suggest I bring them 'to life' so to speak? (Shepard's emoness is deliberate, as is her woe-is-me bullshiat, mostly to irritate the reader so that when she turns around and becomes less fail the results are visible and a sense of relief happens.)

Some of the choices I made were experiments in perspective or writing that did not work out so well. If there are specific segements that feel like they are word padded can you please point them out and I can see about rewriting them? (and identifying the pattern elsewhere)

I would suggest that you ignore the review count and expecations of others, I am not a very good writer, and I am honestly continually surprised people read this more than the work of Aberron or Progman.

 

So, this got an update again, in which an old crewmember returns, Shepard gains a new weapon, we gain some new insight into Alliance politics and we see how no one on either side is truly sane.

 

Lol. The Systems Alliance are such cunts. Pity everyone else are also cunts.

 

You know, after this whole Reaper thing is over, and if Shepard is alive, she really needs to go on a long, long execution spree, just putting every single one of these demented monsters to the sword, in all factions, and scrap their projects.

Not exactly possible, I know, but man, a lot of people in this universe need killing. Or therapy.

 

Now that's just not true. I'm almost sure the raloi aren't doing anything morally revolting or sickening. Yet. Mainly because I haven't figured out how to have them do anything like that yet, but still.

The upcoming chapters are going to have some insight into the sort of crap the turians and asari get up to. Additionally, I've decided to restructure the Cerberus Files a bit. I'm going to trim out the batarians and complete the current one for the Big Three (asari, salarians, turians), move the batarians to a secondary doc (with batarians, krogan and quarians) and start a new one about the black projects (Deathwatch, Nightwind, Group of Zero) so that we can all see that when it comes down to atrocity humans are once again at the back of the bus.

EDIT: The opening chapters of the horror are ready for your viewing. I hope this allievates concerns I'm not covering the atrocities of the other races enough, lol

 

I don't know which demented science experiment allowed LogicalPremise to write 12k words in a day, but honestly, I don't care how many atrocities it committed, I want to be part of that.

When the opening of the chapter talked about TIM being seen as too nice and how he had to fix that incorrect view, I honestly expected something worse. What does it say about this story, and me, that the plans and ideas discussed here didn't rate that high on the fucked-up-o-meter?

Vigil, as always, is a delight.

I am sad we didn't get to see the conversation between Miranda and Pressley. Really wanted to know what was said between the two.

Also, pity Eliza is not joining the team any time soon, although I still think she might be EDI (or part of it).

I really like Kuril in this, sure, he is not exactly a nice person, but at least he has some moral parameters, which, in this universe, puts him rather close to being a Saint. It's funny, he is probably in the top 20 most moral characters in the story and he is part of a ruthless mercenary band and is keeping a prison for profit, dealing with their lives not unlike slavery, selling and buying.

Still, glad to see this friendship work and I kinda hoping that he won't die in the next chapter. Then again, fleshing him out as a character only to kill him off now would be a waste anyway.

I like Miranda in this, but I am not sure if she is a bit ...softer/nicer/younger than game Miranda or if she is the same and she just comes across that way because everyone and everything else is worse?

So yeah, liked the chapter.

 

Heh that glorious update. Nemrut, can you teach the rest of us your arcane make-LogicalPremise-write powers?

I still think that emphasizing the Volus' breathing is heavy handed though.

Also, I really want to read Matriarch Benezia's 'No Single Raindrop Blames Itself For the Flood'. Even if I acknowledge the fact that it is more cutting in excerpts. I want it

Also... I'm kinda waiting for Vigil to decide he can handle this shit better than Citadel Space can and just fuckin try to take over...

Heh. I think she's basically canon Miranda at this point.

It really, really speaks to the Premisevserse that canon!Miranda seems softer here.

Of course it could also just be that Premise Revived Shepard is tantamount to a walking warcrime waiting to happen and Miranda is treading on eggshells so she doesn't get converted to her constituent atoms via warpfire.

 

It involves Batarians and the Cerberus Science Laboratories, that's all I am able to say =P

Yeah, sure, there is that, but like in this chapter, she was hurt when Shepard insulted her (or she pretended that she did but her POV chapters does seem to indicate that she isn't playing in that regard, she does like Shepard), and that's not handling the unstable mass murderer with a trigger shorter than a tortured Krogan but putting value in their thoughts and sayings and wanting their respect.

I guess, when every single thing is worse, that doesn't automatically make everyone colder. She probably sees more parallels between herself and Shepard here, in that they were both (re)created to suit certain parameters of perfection, the nebulous concept that it is. With the expectations placed on Shepard and on herself, while not the same in scope, but the same in nature.

Really hoping we will see a big camaraderie and true friendship between Miranda and Shep.

 

I'm five thousand words into the Jack chapter, so far in her POV.

What critical concepts do I need to cover with Jack? I am very interested in your take on her.

 

Motivations behind her actions.
What pushed her to join a corsair outfit? What's her take on being a biotic? Is she resentful that's she's different or does she like her blue glow?

Is she a mercenary looking for a quick profit? Or do her actions have a deeper meaning and she treats Shepard, her former corsair gig as means towards some nebulous end(training, gathering experience, making connections and getting to know people that could be useful to her objectives...)?

 

Once the Editing Gang finishes up with the chapter in a few minutes, we'll see if my take on Jack is worthy of analysis or snickering.

I'm seriously giving though to taking a stab at writing up the entirety of Benezia's book.

 

I'd recommend utilizing the Misc. Work by Authors forum here. Your works have few enough grammar mistakes, so your editing gang seems to be competent... but anything for more eyes? And you'd get quite a bit more.

Man I can't wait to delve into Purgatory station, tho.

 

It's neat, and Jack doesn't evoke roll-eyes-anger in me so far... so, obviously better than canon.

 

Yeah, really like Jack here, and the way she looks up to Shepard. I am almost tempted to make "senpai notice me" jokes, and honestly, I kinda hope it goes that way. Shep and Jack bonding via fucked up backstories did work.

And damn, Kuril is a stone cold bastard, really like him, for whatever reason.

Honestly, my favourite parts are Miranda and Shepard bonding, too bad that Liara Shep is the endgame.